# Useless magic items **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 8, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225 "2003-04-08T02:57:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/41 "2003-04-09T02:01:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by milo minderbinder \* > **I use the keyboard of accurate linkage and the sobriety potion for [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=173713) result.** Ah – a thread about small wieners! Well, why didn’tcha say so? In fact, I’ve just made a contribution to that thread, in which I tell everybody what a pathetic inexperienced geek I am. (I mean, I’m participating in a thread about _magic item jokes_, fer cryin’ out loud!) Speaking of which: How about a _wand of obvious door detection_ ? ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/42 "2003-04-09T05:06:42Z")
Here are a few: _Cloak of Misplacement_–This cloak appears to be a normal article of clothing, but can never be found when the owner wants it. _Circlet of Basting_–Causes the wearer’s hair to form a topknot suitable for use in spreading sauce on meat during grilling. Provides no protection from mundane or magical fire. _Tube of Controlling Vacuum Elementals_–This strangely light, clear glass object confers total control over one vacuum elemental at a time…if you can find one. _Dust of Dustiness_–Any object over which this magical dust is sprinkled will become dusty. _“Fairy Dust”_–Actually powdered mica, this dust has no effect whatsoever on anything except to make it sparkle slightly, but it seems to cause players to develop the delusion that their characters should be able to fly with its aid. (Actual item from one of my campaigns–a female goblin used the stuff as a cosmetic before getting gakked by the party.) _Eyes of Myopia_–These items are made of special crystal and fit over the eyes of the wearer, causing fuzzy vision and a -5 penalty to spot checks. Wearing only one of the pair causes the character to become dizzy and, in effect, stunned for 1 round. Thereafter, the wearer can use the single lens without being stunned as long as she cover the eye bearing the lens. Of course, she can remove the lens and see normally at any time, or wear both lenses to avoid the dizziness. _Figurine of Wondrous Power: Pewter Miniature_–When activated, the Pewter Miniature acts in all ways like a tiny metal statuette of a character. _Metal Bands of Bilarro_–When the proper command word is spoken and the square metal device is thrown at an opponent, it will summon all of the still-living members of all the failed garage bands Bilarro started before giving up heavy metal in favor of magic. Any persons conjured will be normal 0-level stock clerks, accountants, and middle managers. Of course, since the last band folded when Bilarro was a teenager, and he’s been dead for centuries… _Manual of Painful Exercise_–This thick tome contains descriptions of exercises which, if undertaken, will prove excruciatingly painful and provide no health or fitness benefits whatsoever. _Mirror of Apposition_–This mirror may be affixed to a wall and activated or deactivated by use of a command word. While the mirror is activated, any being which looks directly into it from less than three feet away will be instantly transported to a position directly before the mirror and no more than three feet distant from it. _Pluckstone_–When roughly applied directly to the skin of a feathered creature, it will cause the feathers sprouting from the touched area to tear free from the skin and fall away. ---
**Author:** ![Catalyst](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@Catalyst](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catalyst)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/43 "2003-04-09T05:10:19Z")
Vorpal sword of backbiting - More cursed than specifically useless. Scroll of Read Magic - Only readable by means of Read Magic. Candle of burning - Burns when lit. Bag of Holding - Appears to be a normal sack, but can actually hold up to the bag’s volume in material before becoming full. Potion of thirst-quenching - Counteracts dehydration as though it were a flask of water. Knife of clean-shaving - +4 vs. facial hair. Staff of infinite charges - its only magical ability is an unlimited number of charges. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/44 "2003-04-09T05:36:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Catalyst \* > **Scroll of Read Magic - Only readable by means of Read Magic.** In the D&D-like computer game _Nethack_, reading a scroll while you’re confused causes you to mispronounce the magic words. Hilarity ensues. F’rinstance, if you read a scroll of _identify_ while you’re confused, the game says: “You identify this to be a scroll of identify.” ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/45 "2003-04-09T05:41:34Z")
_ **The Teeth of Dahlver Ned** _ - Belonged to Dahlver Nar’s brother. If you remove one of your own teeth and then push one of the _Teeth of Dahlver Ned_ into your gums in its place, it will graft itself into place and allow you to chew food _just as though it were a real tooth!_ ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/46 "2003-04-09T05:43:32Z")
Oh yeah – and before I forget: _ **ring of nebukinesis** _ - Allows you to pick up and move kings of ancient Babylon, _with your mind!_ ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/47 "2003-04-09T05:59:30Z")
_Backinadae’s Ring of Nostalgia_ Once per day, this item allows the wearer to perform an action just like he would have when he was 18 years old. Not like he thinks he could have, peering back through the mists of time, with all the benefits of hindsight, but _exactly_ like he would have at age 18. Backinadae was a bitter, bitter old man when he crafted this ring. ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/48 "2003-04-09T13:01:31Z")
I remember a video game that had several cursed items. For example if you wore Dark Armor it would give you +50 defence but would cause you to lose 10 HP’s per turn. There was another simular item, when you wore it you would automatically go to sleep on your first round. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/49 "2003-04-09T13:26:01Z")
_Medallion of ESPN_ – By concentrating for 1 round, the user can become aware of any sporting event in range. Save vs. Wisdom (half Wisdom for male warriors), or the user watches the sports event for the next several hours. _Great Machine of Rube Goldberg_ – This artifact can generate ANY desired effect (short of creating another artifact or granting deity status), but it involves an inconceivably complex series of steps to accomplish the task. A hamster wheel is almost inevitable. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/50 "2003-04-09T13:46:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Peyote Coyote \* > \*\*_Potion of Boredom_ Hell, I would throw this down the gullett of a dragon, or a purple worm. \*\* Uh, do you really want a dragon roaming around looking for something to amuse itself with? ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/51 "2003-04-09T16:38:08Z")
_The magic lantern of Bob_ – Rub it and it says “Bob.” _Wand of infinite woodeness_ – Wave it and it becomes even more wooden than it was before. _Minos’ touch_ – _Anything_ touched will manifest a bull’s head. _Ring of rings_ – When worn, constantly rings like a telephone. _Singing Spoon_ – Like a singing sword only different. _Amulet of Absolute Tastelessness_ – Doesn’t go with _anything_ the user wears. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/52 "2003-04-09T16:48:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by photopat \* > **_Wand of infinite woodeness_ – Wave it and it becomes even more wooden than it was before.** … and gives serious competition to the Viagra industry. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/53 "2003-04-09T20:25:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by 2trew \* > \*\*True Universal Solvent: a fluid which, at the end of the (long, complicated and highly expensive) process to create it is capable of dissolving any matter or force field. > > This means, of course, that it disappears into the earth never to be seen again, no matter what you had it in the moment before you added the final ingredient. \*\* Of course in the hands of a truly Evil DM™ the odds of having some bodily part(leg or foot, or perhaps even lap) underneath the lab table where the mixture is when you add the final ingredient goes way, WAY up. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/54 "2003-04-09T23:16:50Z")
quote: > [@](#): > > * * * > > ## Originally posted by The Peyote Coyote Potion of Boredom Hell, I would throw this down the gullett of a dragon, or a purple worm. > > Uh, do you really want a dragon roaming around looking for something to amuse itself with? If I’m desparate, Shade, you’re damn right. I would be hoping that the dragon would go to sleep or something allowing me to escape. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/55 "2003-04-09T23:38:33Z")
How about: _Spectacles of reverse sight_ – They allow the wearer to see the backs of his/her eyeballs. _Ring of partial invisibility_ – Makes the wearer transparent to varying degrees, so bones, organs, and intestinal contents are still visible. _Xeno’s shoes_ – The wearer will never reach the destination, but will get really, really close. ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/56 "2003-04-09T23:48:12Z")
_Einhorn’s Glove of Embarassment_ - Put it on, it farts. _Potion of Communicate with Corn_ _Omelette of Brevity_ - Enables user to get to the point more quickly. _Amulet of Enhance Perspective_ - Causes parallel lines to _really_ converge towards a single point on the horizon. No, _really_. Lasts 1d6 turns. _Thrashgar’s faded Mighty Mouse underoos_ - Enchanted skivvies. Just take my word for it. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/57 "2003-04-09T23:49:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by photopat \* > **_Ring of partial invisibility_ – Makes the wearer transparent to varying degrees, so bones, organs, and intestinal contents are still visible.** A doctor could put that ring on his patient’s finger and look for tumors. ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/58 "2003-04-10T00:02:38Z")
_Gargle I, II and III_ - A Gargle spell causes the caster to throw back his head and let out a deep, resonant gargle for 1d8 turns. At higher levels, the area of effect is increased up to a 25’ radius. _Scroll of Parsing_ - Enables user to be completely resistant to comma-delimited files. _Milo’s Unpopular Critter_ - Casts a level 2 Wedgie spell on all squirrels within 3 kilometers of user. _Potion of Spontaneous Orgasm_ - Warning: Keep this away from trolls. I’m not kidding here. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/59 "2003-04-10T01:52:30Z")
_Hawaiian shirt +5_ - Adds +5 to the wearer’s save versus poison when eating poi. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/60 "2003-04-10T02:40:21Z")
Scroll of Scrolling: Attempting to read this scroll causes the words to move upwards, too fast to read. If the reader manages to read the scroll by some method, it says, “All work and no play makes Archmage Zandelblau a dull boy”, in various languages. Wand of Teleportation: When the user touches the wand to an object and speaks the command word, the wand teleports itself only to a random location in the same plane. Dust of Ashes: Sprinkling this dust over ashes turns them into Ashes of Dust. Ashes of Dust: Sprinkling this ashes over dust turns them into Dust of Ashes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225.md?page=4)