# Useless magic items **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 8, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225 "2003-04-08T02:57:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/101 "2003-04-12T17:15:33Z")
You could then, theoretically, find some clothes and get a decent haircut. I’d recommend that. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/102 "2003-04-12T17:24:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jmizzou \* > **_Great Sword of Slaughter_: +999 damage vs. thumb-sized insects. Due to its great size, this sword may only be swung once per minute.** In 1st or 2nd Edition AD&D, a normal character can’t swing **any** weapon more than once per minute. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/103 "2003-04-13T03:34:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mockingbird \* > \*\*Though there were definite uses for the ring, I think the repercussions put it in the realm of useless magical items. \*\* This is anothe of those items I’d class as cursed, rather than useless. Bloody scary, too. Interesting cursed items - either humourous or deathly serious - might be an interesting other thread, actually… ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/104 "2003-04-13T23:46:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tengu \* > **[Mockingbird’s _Ring of Brain Trust_] is anothe of those items I’d class as cursed, rather than useless. Bloody scary, too.** In AD&D, such an item would probably qualify as an \*_artifact_: unique, really old, really powerful, and with really really bad side effects. (Plus, it gets a better saving throw against a _rod of cancellation_ and can still operate inside an _anti-magic shell_.) ---
**Author:** ![HAJI](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e95f7d/32.png) [@HAJI](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HAJI)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/105 "2003-04-14T00:48:25Z")
At the beginning of the campaign, the DM declared to us that there was a +5 item somewhere along the way. Being fairly low level characters (2-3), we thought this was pretty kickass. So a ways into the campaign we cleared out this shack of some pretty tough creatures and someones casts detect magic. We figure there has to be some pretty good loot here, right? Only thing (besides our stuff we already had) that glows blue is the [_clears throat_] butter knife. [_shock & disbelief_] He then says, “Yeah, but its a 1d2”. He finds our facial expressions to be “priceless” in the midst of his laughter, and decides to reveal, “Oh by the way, this IS the +5 item”. One of us picks it up anyways, even thought the appraised value was practically nothing. As it turns out it was our cunning assasin who turned in a more priceless moment when it occured to him that when attempting a backstab, a +5 butter knife is better than a +1 short sword. I lost count of how many times the DM has rued that little joke… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/106 "2003-04-14T01:25:37Z")
**HAJI** wrote: > [@](#): > > As it turns out it was our cunning assasin who turned in a more priceless moment when it occured to him that when attempting a backstab, a +5 butter knife is better than a +1 short sword. See, that’s what the DM gets for not understanding the math. Obviously, a +5 weapon has a 20% greater chance of hitting than the +1 weapon you’d normally give to low-level characters. More importantly, the average damage on 1d6+1 is 4.5, where the average damage on 1d2+5 is 6.5, with a minimum damage of 6. This isn’t rocket science. Hell, I flunked out of rocket science, and I can do this crap. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/107 "2003-04-14T01:35:08Z")
But I thought the +5 butter knife was only supposed to be +5 **vs. butter!** _pout_ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/108 "2003-04-14T01:43:37Z")
Sure, Butter Knife +1, +5 vs. Butter. I can see some mage blowing a point of CON on that, sure. Don’t get me wrong. But that would have made the teaser a bit of a cheat, unless the DM then went on to send butter golems at the party. Butter elementals, perhaps? From the Elemental Plane of Butter, which is just a stone’s throw down the wormhole from the Elemental Plane of Flapjacks and Syrup. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/109 "2003-04-14T01:49:43Z")
Johnny Angel: You never know what substances a depraved DM will make golems out of. I have cannabis golems in my campaign. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/110 "2003-04-14T01:57:11Z")
That’s trouble waiting to happen. Drop a fireball, and the next thing you know all the lembas wafers have been eaten. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/111 "2003-04-14T02:06:19Z")
Fire damages a cannabis golem, Johnny, but it doesn’t destroy them unless they’re low on hit points. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/112 "2003-04-14T02:13:31Z")
Still, it’s got to be a Special Defense of some sort. Use fire on the golem, and everyone in a 15’ radius has to make a CON save or mellow for 1d6 rounds. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/113 "2003-04-14T02:27:31Z")
Hell, Johnny, a cannabis golem can breath out a cone of super-concentrated marijuana smoke (I forget the exact dimensions) once every other round. Players caught within that smoke must save or be intoxicated. If a player is a partier, the save is -4. But thank you for your suggestion. It just gave me a couple of evil ideas. :D:D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/114 "2003-04-14T02:31:46Z")
After all, what’s the first thing your party is liable to try? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/115 "2003-04-14T02:37:17Z")
I never try to predict what a party will try to do, Johnny. Years of experience have taught me that some players will think of stuff I wouldn’t dream of in a 100 years, and others can’t see something as obvious as the nose on Cyrano de Berganac’s face. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/116 "2003-04-14T04:54:44Z")
Cyrano de _Berganac_ ?! ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/117 "2003-04-14T05:43:22Z")
He was the cousin with the REALLY big nose. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/118 "2003-04-14T18:07:59Z")
I’ve had characters try to get stoned on hemp rope. I told them it wasn’t as strong as the regular stuff, so they smoked all 50 feet. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2003, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/119 "2003-04-14T18:38:33Z")
FWIW, the house rules for the campaign I’m currently playing in include a “Knowledge: Illicit Drugs” skill and a “Master of the Kama Sutra” Feat. Our elven rogue is seriously hooked on “krank”, a stimulant the dwarves cooked up specifically to turn the elves into addicts. On the plus side, he gets a major bonus to his speed after a hit. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/120 "2003-04-15T05:18:44Z")
If you want to take a hit of LSD in a D&D game, do you have to **roll** to hit? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225.md?page=7)