# Using a "safe word" if you have friends or acquaintances picking up your kids from school **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 6, 2017, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468 "2017-01-06T18:57:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/1 "2017-01-06T18:57:52Z")
I head someone describing a scenario where they told their daughters not to get in anyone’s car (picking them up from school or other pick up and drop off scenarios) who is not immediate family unless they use a pre-agreed “safe word”. These are middle/upper middle class people not gazillionaires. Is this using “safe words” with kids for transportation pick ups a thing now? ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/2 "2017-01-06T18:59:52Z")
I didn’t do it generally, but one time I had a friend pick up my kids and I told them he would say a particular word so they would know it was him. These days, I guess I could just text them his photo. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/3 "2017-01-06T19:02:17Z")
I’ve heard of it, don’t know if it’s a thing but it’s been around for a while. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/4 "2017-01-06T19:07:54Z")
That would normally be called a password. The most common usage of “[safeword](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safeword)” is in the context of S&M/bondage, which makes it kind of creepy to use for picking up kids. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/5 "2017-01-06T19:19:24Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > That would normally be called a password. The most common usage of “[safeword](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safeword)” is in the context of S&M/bondage, which makes it kind of creepy to use for picking up kids. Yeah I know, but they and their kids are using the term “safe word” unironically and I can see how this might happen as “safe word” has entered the general lexicon as a term for a spoken password beyond it’s S&M & rough sex origins. “Safe word” is no longer a sex term exclusively. ---
**Author:** ![Alan\_Smithee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2acd7d/32.png) [@Alan\_Smithee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alan_Smithee)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/6 "2017-01-06T19:39:36Z")
I’m about to turn forty, and it was a thing when I was a kid. I think we had one, though I can’t member what it was. I don’t think we ever needed someone I didn’t know to pick me up. We did not call it a safe word. ---
**Author:** ![Maurie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@Maurie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maurie)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/7 "2017-01-06T19:55:33Z")
I’m also 40, and it was super common advice when I was a kid. It seems outdated to me - most parents I know would never send someone else to pick up their kid. Pretty sure we called it a “secret” word. ---
**Author:** ![AlsoNamedBort](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alsonamedbort/32/3213_2.png) [@AlsoNamedBort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AlsoNamedBort)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/8 "2017-01-06T20:18:53Z")
Also remember the advice as a kid, but we never set it up. If my mom needed someone else to pick me up, she would let the school know, who would let me know. Seems like a smarter, easier, and safer option. (I think nowadays a lot of schools require it). ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/9 "2017-01-06T20:23:38Z")
We had a secret word for our kid when he was in the first few years of elementary school during the 90s. The secret word was “parkerfarker.” ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/10 "2017-01-06T20:37:22Z")
Our pass-phrase was, “Don’t worry, I know your mommy and daddy.” ---
**Author:** ![Maurie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@Maurie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maurie)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/11 "2017-01-06T20:41:33Z")
> [@AlsoNamedBort](#): > > Also remember the advice as a kid, but we never set it up. If my mom needed someone else to pick me up, she would let the school know, who would let me know. Seems like a smarter, easier, and safer option. (I think nowadays a lot of schools require it). It wasn’t so much about being picked up at school, though - the idea was more that you would be walking home from school (or out and about on your bike or whatever, like kids used to do) and someone would pull up beside you and say, “I’m a friend of your mom. There’s been an emergency and she sent me to pick you up - come on, get in the car and I’ll take you there.” And then you, savvy kid that you were, would know that it was a scam if they weren’t then able to say “picklemasher” to confirm their legitimacy. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/12 "2017-01-06T20:48:57Z")
I don’t think I had a code word as a kid - but then, nobody who wasn’t my parent or the parent of a friend ever picked me up from school (or tried to). I _do_ remember that nobody seemed to notice or give a damn whose car I got into at the end of the day, or if I walked home. I have had occasion to pick my friend’s kids up from school now and then and I’ve never had to use a password, however my friend would have to call them in advance, and I have been asked to show identification (which I have always been happy to do). Of course, every damn time I’ve done it, nobody pulled the kid out of class to say it wasn’t Mom coming to get them, and I’ve always wondered if someday I’m going to get arrested because the kids are surprised to see me. ---
**Author:** ![pendgwen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3da27b/32.png) [@pendgwen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pendgwen)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/13 "2017-01-06T22:24:23Z")
Yeah, this was a thing when I was a kid almost 30 years ago. I think we called it a code-word It was presented as a way to prevent abductions and could be used by either as proof that a family friend had been sent to pick you up in an emergency or a distress signal from the child in the event that you could make a phone call but couldn’t speak freely. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2017, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/14 "2017-01-06T23:40:12Z")
It was getting to be a thing when I was a teenager (late 80’s). We didn’t have one, but I knew a girl who did. They didn’t call it a safeword, though. I think it was “secret phrase” and it was something silly like, “We love tacos.” ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2017, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/15 "2017-01-07T00:08:04Z")
Yes, this has been around for decades. I remember it being called a password, twenty years ago. It wouldn’t have com up for school pick ups because my school had a list of approved adults that a kid could be released to. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2017, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/16 "2017-01-07T00:10:19Z")
Its less about getting kidnapped for money and more about getting kidnapped in a custody dispute. The hospital had an access safeword when my daughter was born. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2017, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/17 "2017-01-07T00:32:37Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Yeah I know, but they and their kids are using the term “safe word” unironically and I can see how this might happen as “safe word” has entered the general lexicon as a term for a spoken password beyond it’s S&M & rough sex origins. “Safe word” is no longer a sex term exclusively. Sure, but the situation can be ripe for confusion. Such as the time my partner asked me to pick up her kids who didn’t know me by face. When I got to the school I said to them: **“Justin Bieber’s Balls.”** They ran away screaming. And that’s when I realized my mistake. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2017, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/18 "2017-01-07T00:32:54Z")
It’s been around a long time. My sons, who are old enough to run for President, used the word “pepperoni.” It actually came into play once, when there was a snowstorm and the school closed. My husband, who was a professional driver, was 100 miles away and I was at work about 20 miles away, so one of my husband’s coworkers went to get the kids at school (which was two blocks from our house). The safe word (we used some other term, maybe “secret word”? I can’t remember) got passed from husband to dispatcher to coworker and by the time he got to the school all he could remember was “something to do with pizza,” and they were the last two kids at the school so the principal let them go, and they knew the coworker, so they went. But really it was just to let the kids know it was okay to get in the car with that person and the school to know it was okay to let them, even if the person wasn’t on their approved list. ---
**Author:** ![aktep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f0a364/32.png) [@aktep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aktep)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2017, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/19 "2017-01-07T01:00:50Z")
Yeah, we called it a “password” back in the mid-80s. I once sent away my _grandmother_ for not knowing it (but then she drove to my house and I happily got in her car after I walked home). ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2017, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/20 "2017-01-07T21:12:34Z")
When my daughter was in elementary school, we had to list two or three people that had our permission to pick her up. I think it only happened once, but I recall calling the school to say, “so and so is picking her up, she’s on file to do so.” There was another time I think her grandmom was picking her up for an early dismissal. She wasn’t on the designated list because she doesn’t live close enough in case of an emergency. Again, I called or sent a note, she signed her out. Now I know ID is required. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468.md?page=2)