# Using a "safe word" if you have friends or acquaintances picking up your kids from school **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 6, 2017, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468 "2017-01-06T18:57:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Orville\_mogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/aeb1de/32.png) [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/41 "2017-01-10T14:51:31Z")
My 6yo takes after me in the common sense department, so I’m afraid an exchange with her might go like this: Stranger: Wanna come in my windowless van? Your daddy said it would be fine. Daughter: What is the password? Stranger: Dunno. What do you think it is? Daughter: It’s ‘pasta fasule’. Stranger: OK. Pasta fasule. Daughter: Great, let’s go. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/42 "2017-01-10T17:35:17Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > I wouldn’t say “bogeyman.” It is something to look out for. Your example is certainly more common, but abductions by strangers and attempted abductions do happen around here [often enough.](http://chicago.cbslocal.com/tag/attempted-child-abduction/) Linky doesnt work. \*“Stranger Danger,” a phrase once believed to save children has most certainly done more harm than good. The daunting expression was first spoken with the best of intentions over 30 years ago when cases like that of Adam Walsh were in the media and parents were terrified that their children could be abducted at any moment. Over three decades of teaching children to try to understand “stranger danger” has yet to curb the problem yet parents continue to instill what may be unnecessary….even damaging fear in their children. The whole concept of trying to protect children by making them afraid of the world around them is nothing short of a national tragedy.According to the Center for Disease Control, 93% of children who are victimized actually know their abuser\*! [http://childrescuenetwork.org/the-stranger-danger-message-must-go/](http://childrescuenetwork.org/the-stranger-danger-message-must-go/) But yes, that does mean 7% is from strangers, which does mean a modicum of caution is advised. [http://www.kidsmartz.org/StrangerDanger](http://www.kidsmartz.org/StrangerDanger) _A NEW MESSAGE Although “stranger danger” seems like an easy way to teach our children basic personal safety, it actually puts them at a disadvantage. Children who are taught stranger danger may: Be afraid to ask helpful strangers for assistance when they need it Not know how to recognize and avoid risky situations Instead of teaching “stranger danger,” try the following tips when talking to your child about abduction prevention safety: Don’t say: Never talk to strangers. Say: You should not approach just anyone. If you need help, look for a uniformed police officer, a store clerk with a nametag, or a parent with children. Don’t say: Stay away from people you don’t know. Say: It’s important for you to get my permission before going anywhere with anyone. Don’t say: You can tell someone is bad just by looking at them. Say: Pay attention to what people do. Tell me right away if anyone asks you to keep a secret, makes you feel uncomfortable, or tries to get you to go with them._ ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/43 "2017-01-10T17:48:10Z")
> [@astro](#): > > I head someone describing a scenario where they told their daughters not to get in anyone’s car (picking them up from school or other pick up and drop off scenarios) who is not immediate family unless they use a pre-agreed “safe word”. These are middle/upper middle class people not gazillionaires. > > Is this using “safe words” with kids for transportation pick ups a thing now? We teach kids and parents to do this in our Child Abduction Prevention seminar. We call it a “magic word”, though. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/44 "2017-01-10T17:57:45Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > We teach kids and parents to do this in our Child Abduction Prevention seminar. We call it a “magic word”, though. And you are possibly wrong to do so. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/45 "2017-01-10T18:24:11Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > We teach kids and parents to do this in our Child Abduction Prevention seminar. We call it a “magic word”, though. Is this really a valuable precaution? My understanding is that approximately zero child abductions are perpetrated by a person going to a school and picking up a kid to whom they have no social connection. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/46 "2017-01-10T22:15:26Z")
> [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > Is this really a valuable precaution? My understanding is that approximately zero child abductions are perpetrated by a person going to a school and picking up a kid to whom they have no social connection. Yes, it is. And it’s not just for schools, either. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/47 "2017-01-10T22:35:09Z")
I can see dozens of scenarios where a kid might have to get a ride from someone without “the magic word”. And the chance of a stranger abduction seems smaller. Look at my cites and think about it. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/48 "2017-01-10T22:42:26Z")
When I was a kid, we were smart enough to distinguish assholes from friends and relatives. Although I admit there was some overlap. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/49 "2017-01-10T22:47:21Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Yes, it is. And it’s not just for schools, either. Making sure I understand you: Yes, it is valuable? My understanding of abductions is not correct, or is there some other relevant danger that this practice protects against? ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2017, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/50 "2017-01-10T22:51:32Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > And of course “stranger danger” is a boogeyman. It’s not the weird older guy in the trenchcoat watching the kids from the parkbench. It’s your daughters swimcoach, the sundayschoolteacher, the trusted Uncle- those are the ones you need to watch. Those are the ones you need to watch as far as molesting the kids, but for a kid to actually be abducted for good? That’s more likely a stranger, isn’t it? When I was little I was painfully shy about strangers but I was also an obedient people pleaser. I’m glad I never had to find out which would have won out if a stranger had said my mom was hurt and he needed to take me there. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2017, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/51 "2017-01-11T00:04:50Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Those are the ones you need to watch as far as molesting the kids, but for a kid to actually be abducted for good? That’s more likely a stranger, isn’t it? No. The vast majority of abducted children are abducted by a family member. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2017, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468/52 "2017-01-11T17:45:33Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Those are the ones you need to watch as far as molesting the kids, but for a kid to actually be abducted for good? That’s more likely a stranger, isn’t it? > . More likely a non-custodial parent or grandparent. That is quite common. And of course the kid will go with them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/using-a-safe-word-if-you-have-friends-or-acquaintances-picking-up-your-kids-from-school/776468.md?page=2)