Or, if speaking to Her Majesty: “If One’s Majesty is about to sodomise a pig…” Does that sound better? I do not get much chance to interact with royalty or porkdom.
Surely, this calls for the subjunctive:
“If Her Majesty be sodomizing a pig …”
Ugh, one of the accountants at our CPA firm talks this way. “Well what one could do is make a journal entry to make up for the difference, and then one would call the state and one could then ask the state where the discrepancy came from and then one could etc etc etc” Drives me up the friggen wall. Just tell me what to do, I have a real question and need a real answer and she makes it sound all hypothetical. That and it just sounds weird.
When one stumbles upon a thread like, one might realize why they love the SDBM so much.
On n’utilise pas ce construction terrible.
One loves it when one hears dirty talk! Don’t stop! Go on! One is about to climax!
One can get on with it without one’s assistance, thank one very much. :dubious:
I use “you” when speaking about things in general, but after I started studying foreign language I realized using “one” for people in general is quite common.
These days I’d probably only say “one would think so” in answer to a question that seemingly has an obvious answer but doesn’t.
“Do bananas grow on trees?”
“One would think so, but they actually blah, blah, blah.”
This writer often reviews reports by this writer’s subordinates as part of this writer’s job. This writer has found that some people are fond of using “this writer” instead of “I”. This writer has told them to cease this practice.
Nemo: The only time I’d see “this writer” appropriate in place of “I/me” is in an editorial (not an op-ed or other opinion piece), in a circumstance where expressing the personal view, experience, or whatever of the editorial writer is appropriate. This is because an editorial is supposed to expres the collective view of the paper, i.e., its editorial staff’s consensus stance/ (Hence, the “editorial we”. For example: “The Herald-Informer strongly supports the proposed. new child care program. We feel that in a society where both parents working has become the norm, the county has an obligation to ensure the developmental needs of the children of those who pay it taxes are also met. To do otherwise is to risk serious problems among the young. For example, this writer for years lived next door to a family who depended on unreliable babysitters…” Clearly the writer is in general expressing the paper’s editorial stance, and in support of it giving an example from his/her personal experience. The editorial we in the second sentence and the substitution of “this writer” for a more informal “I” in the last both act to keep the focus on the views of the Herald-Informer’s staff rather than on those of the member of that staff tasked to actually write the editorial.
As with “one” in both the substitute-first and impersonal usages, it’s subject to abuse of the sort you (and the OP) demonstrate – but there is a time and a place for each usage.
A good "ear’ for how the writing flows – tone, style, focus, and audience – will clue most writers in to when to use them and when to eschew them. You can tell by reading it back to yourself. In fact, one can do likewise! 
Like Little Nemo, the other similar case is where writers use “this writer” or "the author’ rather than just saying “I”. It always strikes me as rather pretentious.
That farmer’s an idiot. You don’t do this at all in the artificial insemination process. (If you want more details, google “artificial mare”.)
It’s interesting you should mention that; when I write my articles I prefer to use “The Author” on the few occasions that I need to say something from my own point of view (“The author would like to thank the following people for their assistance with this article…” or “The author is not aware of anyone successfully converting a single-shot RFI .410 shotgun to allow it feed shells from an SMLE magazine”, for example).
Having said that, Martini Enfield has found that referring to oneself in the third person is delightfully Imperious, provided one employs it appropriately. 
“One never knows, do one?” - Fats Waller
Always causes me a moment of confusion when someone says:
The present writer believes this is not the case
Uh? Who?
Oh he’s talking about himself