# Vampire to run for Governor **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 13, 2006, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752 "2006-01-13T01:21:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/1 "2006-01-13T01:21:49Z")
[This story](http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,17809999-13762,00.html) reveals that Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey plans to announce his bid for governor on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party. He has strong views on the death penalty: _Sharkey also pledged to execute convicted murders and child molesters personally by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state capitol._ ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/2 "2006-01-13T01:26:20Z")
Well that sucks. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/3 "2006-01-13T01:29:40Z")
It not only sucks, it bites. ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/4 "2006-01-13T01:31:06Z")
I saw this in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune earlier today. Not only is he running for governor, but he’s also filed papers with the Federal Election Commission to be a presidential candidate in 2008. I like the fact that he’s upfront about his evil side. An impalement here, a disembowelment there, I think this guy could really clean up the state legislature, too. ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/5 "2006-01-13T01:33:18Z")
As the .au article was shy on details: [Minneapolis Star-Tribune article](http://www.startribune.com/587/story/178289.html) [Candidate’s website](http://www.jonathonforgovernor.us/) – not sure if it’s SFW or not, as I’m not about to visit it from work to find out. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/6 "2006-01-13T02:12:34Z")
> [@lno](#): > > [Candidate’s website](http://www.jonathonforgovernor.us/) – not sure if it’s SFW or not, as I’m not about to visit it from work to find out. Well, there’s some lovely glurge before the main site. Would you like some quotes? > [@](#): > > Honesty is very seldom heard nowadays, especially > from a politician. So, I am not going to break from > political tradition. My name is Jonathon “The > Impaler” Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D. I am a Satanic Dark > Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch. > My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares. My alignment is Chaotic Neutral. My subrace is Dark Elf. > [@](#): > > Though I have endured 15 knee operations, along with permanent > injuries to my lower back, left wrist and right hip, like Sly Stallone’s > “Rocky Balboa" I am a fighter. Rocky, eh? I wonder why he points him out specifically… > [@](#): > > I do not allow my physical challenges to impede my goals in life. In > 1988, I turned pro as a boxer. In 1989, I decided to start wrestling > professionally. Hence my “stage name” of Rocky Flash. Since the age > of 13, I have been nicknamed after Stallone’s “Rocky,” the fighter who > never quit or gave up. Flash was given to me by Johnny Rodz, after I > started wrestling professionally. Ahhhh. He’s a wrestling vampire! > [@](#): > > In 2002, > NASCAR granted me an NASCAR/Busch Series race license. > Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control, I have not yet > made my NASCAR racing debut. However, it is my plan to do so during > the 2006 racing season. A wrestling NASCAR vampire! > [@](#): > > In August 1988, while visiting a relative, I met a girl who was totally > taken by me and who I was. She was hott and sexy, so I drove her > home that night on my bike, and slept with her. Though I do not regret > sleeping with her, in 1996 I found that she was my half-sister who I > hadn’t seen since 1970. Talk about letting your ego get the best of you. OK, firstly…hott? And he’s a vampyre? He has to be a 15 year old. Oh, and, a wrestling NASCAR incestual vampire! > [@](#): > > Victims, aren’t we all? That’s what terrorists and criminals > want you to think. However, I feel the time has come for > terrorists and criminals to become victims. Victims of > being IMPALED! 15 year old, wrestling, NASCAR incestual vampire. Well, he’s got my vote. Site is SFW if you consider references to Impalement (with capitals!) of enemies to be SFW ( no blood or gore, though). No worse than any Far-Right/Left website. Check it out, it’s fantastically funny. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/7 "2006-01-13T02:22:30Z")
The guy sounds a little batty to me. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/8 "2006-01-13T02:23:08Z")
Hmph. No vampire worth voting for is that ignorant of the proper use of the apostrophe. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/9 "2006-01-13T02:54:14Z")
well, at least he’s admitting _up front_ to being a bloodsucking parasite, most politicians don’t reveal _that_ until they’re elected… yaay truth in advertising! i’d make sure to keep my garlic supply up to date and invest in the garlic growers industry, just in case he comes looking for…donations, if you catch my meaning 😉 ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/10 "2006-01-13T03:23:24Z")
I’m not liking his odds with the Christian right wing, but I’m having trouble articulating why. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/11 "2006-01-13T03:25:42Z")
I wonder if the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party will have a primary this year? Who else is seeking the nomination? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/12 "2006-01-13T04:27:56Z")
Y’know, it’s threads like this that keep me hooked on TSD. Maybe he plans to hypnotize the voters \*en masse \* during a televised debate. But in lieu of that, he should get cracking on a comprehensive platform to stoke public support. He could promise to change the official state song [if there is one] to, say, “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus. (That should give him a spike with Boomers and some Gen-Xers.) The new state bird would be the closest thing MN has to the vampire bat – the mosquito. And under his stewardship, public blood drives would enjoy a higher profile than ever. But I anticipate difficulties in just holding his fringe political coalition together. As a vampyre, he promises execution by impalement; however, the Witches are likely to prefer transmogrification (i.e., turning the condemned into a newt or a mouse), and at least some of the Pagans will probably lobby for immolation-in-a-gigantic-wicker-man as the preferred method (NB: since this method is said to increase crop yields, the Pagan proposal will likely gain some support from Minnesota’s substantial farm lobby). Perhaps he could modify his campaign plank to embrace all three medieval execution styles, with the procedural details concerning method selection in individual cases to be determined later. Gotta keep your core supporters happy… ---
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/13 "2006-01-13T04:56:26Z")
If he’s elected, will his program of execution by impalement be found unconstitutional, or will it be allowed under the doctrine of the unitary executive? ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/14 "2006-01-13T06:19:54Z")
Hates Yahweh, _and_ he supports spilling the blood of criminal scum 'till the steps of the capital run brilliant crimson? _Finally_ a candidate I can support! (Though Trek “Thunder” Kelly wasn’t bad—he got my vote last time, after all.) ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/15 "2006-01-13T07:46:34Z")
This goof is a walking cliche > [@vampYer dork](#): > > Sharkey said he planned to announce his candidacy on Friday ? the 13th ? because that was “my lucky number.” I’ll make sure to give Azrael Abyss, errrrrrrr… The Impaler my support next time I’m at Cinnabon ---
**Author:** ![Mooney252](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7c8e57/32.png) [@Mooney252](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooney252)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/16 "2006-01-13T12:10:32Z")
Why couldn’t he have announced last week, when The New Yorker’s cartoon caption contest had a vampire in the cartoon (contest #34)? It would have been so much more timely – [http://www.newyorker.com/captioncontest/](http://www.newyorker.com/captioncontest/) Best regards, Mooney252 ---
**Author:** ![Max\_the\_Immortal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/17 "2006-01-13T12:57:48Z")
How many nicknames does this guy have? Lord Ares, Rocky Flash, The Impaler… Yeesh. Why can’t he just settle on one nickname, like Lord Viper Scorpion did? ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Lance\_Murdoch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/47e85d/32.png) [@Captain\_Lance\_Murdoch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Lance_Murdoch)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/18 "2006-01-13T16:16:17Z")
Bear in mind that our last Governor said “Until you have hunted man, you haven’t hunted yet.” Of course, it later turned out that The Body never actually “hunted man.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/19 "2006-01-13T16:46:48Z")
I used to be a Fisher of Men, until the bouncer at the gay bar told me to get the hell out, and take my tackle with me. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vampire-to-run-for-governor/339752/20 "2006-01-13T19:25:38Z")
No way could a professional wrestler get elected as governor in my great state. We’re too smart for that.