# Vegetarian in-law at carnivore family dinner **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 28, 2019, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324 "2019-02-28T02:20:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2019, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/81 "2019-03-24T16:19:40Z")
I like to host meals, and I pride myself in providing food everyone can enjoy. The vegan gluten-free dessert was a challenge. (I made fruit salad.) The only time I bailed on providing a full meal for everyone was when my vegan friend also needed food to be kosher for passover. She offered to bring her own entree, and I said, “yes, thanks.” When I’ve hosted a wedding or bar mitzvah for scores of people, I made sure the vegetarians and vegans were accommodated. Also the people with various food sensitivities. I’m also a picky eater, and I often have to “forage” at parties, and if it’s a potluck, I make sure to bring something I can eat if I don’t like the food there. All that being said: > [@Thylacine](#): > > She is being bloody awful but why are you giving it space in your head? Your brother married her and lives with her and the dinner is at someone else’s house. Let the front line troops deal with her as they wish. Go, eat, be merry, love the ones you love, ignore the rest. Sounds like you need a break and she really isn’t much of your business. This. You know, this really rubbed me the wrong way: > [@steronz](#): > > …On the flip side, the standard in America is that meal = meat, and in 2019 the fact that a family can’t fathom putting together a family gathering without meat as the center attraction is… tiring? I think that’s the right word. Like, pretend you weren’t just doing this to accommodate a single non-blood relative. Could you plan a meat-free meal that would taste good and result in everyone having a good time? The answer is yes, you could, because my family does it all the time. I’m not saying that you have to become vegetarians because of your SIL, but at the same time, planning one meat free gathering shouldn’t stop the earth. It should be in your cooking repertoire by now. > Again, not that I would make a stink if meat was the main course at a family event, but planning a meat-free event shouldn’t feel like you’re making some huge sacrifice either. My husband has decided that vegetarian is healthy, and we probably eat vegan suppers twice a week. (And I rarely eat meat except at supper.) So yeah, I have meat-free foods in my repertoire. But you know what? I like meat. Most of the other people I’m inviting like meat. If I’m serving dinner to 15 and there’s one vegetarian, I am NOT going to shape the whole meal around you. Sorry. > [@kayaker](#): > > …_But_ the last time a FOAF mentioned she was vegan and I told her I could toss a veggie burger on the grill, that wasn’t good enough. She wanted the grill scrubbed and her vegan item cooked solo… This mattered to a kosher friend. He suggested I put some aluminum foil between his item and the contaminated grill. Just a possibility for next time. ---
**Author:** ![Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Springtime_for_Spacers)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2019, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/82 "2019-03-24T16:36:40Z")
> [@steronz](#): > > Presumably she’s also a full time mom of two. I want to know why her husband can’t do any cooking. It’s his family, can he not make something? Hah, yes, I can’t help feeling that some of the problem may lie with the rest of SIL’s family if her part time job doesn’t leave her the time to prepare something. ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2019, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/83 "2019-03-24T23:15:45Z")
> [@PoppaSan](#): > > I’m not registering and paying to read the article. Paraphrase or sample quotes? You can right-click and open in incognito/private window if you want to read article or comments. But here it is > [@](#): > > Dear Carolyn: The family matriarch is having a big dinner for the entire family. She is preparing meat main dishes and has asked everyone else to bring a dish to share. One of the sons’ wives (“SIL”) is vegetarian (pescatarian to be specific). The host does not eat or prepare fish and has requested that SIL either bring her own protein or eat from the other, nonmeat dishes. > > SIL refuses to cook anything for herself or anyone else and feels slighted that she has been asked to do so. > > Is it the hosts’ responsibility to accommodate everyone equally, or do people with special dietary preferences need to take care of themselves? I feel like SIL has been adequately accommodated, but I’m usually wrong about this sort of thing. > > — Usually Wrong > > Usually Wrong: Since everyone was asked to bring a dish to share, SIL is being a pill. > > If SIL were being singled out, then I’d say otherwise. It’s a two-part dance: Hosts try, guests respect the effort. > > And, for the record, ixnay on the “special” and “preferences,” and go with “dietary needs.” I’m a dontjudgatarian. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2019, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/84 "2019-03-25T01:44:04Z")
Heh. That’s why I love Carolyn Hax so much. Nice answer. ---
**Author:** ![Kropotkin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kropotkin/32/18045_2.png) [@Kropotkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kropotkin)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/85 "2019-05-14T01:28:12Z")
This thread got much more traction than I had imagined. To respond to a few of the posts, SIL works a max of 12 hours a week, often less… Her husband (my wife’s brother) works a minimum of 40 hours, sometimes much more, and sometimes pulls shift work. He cooks half of the dinners, makes his own lunch for work. Their “kids” are 20 and 21 and going to university. In an earlier thread, I noted that my wife and I are helping with their kids’ university costs, to the tune of about $10K a year. SIL spent nearly $3K on an MRI her doctor said was unnecessary. If it had been deemed necessary, the Medicare system would have covered it. SIL just announced to kids that they would have to pay more of their university costs this year, because she is insisting that her husband also go for private care MRI despite the doctor saying there is no reason for it. SIL also adopted a rescue dog last year without talking to her family and has spent about $4K on dog shrinks, special diets, week long dog day cares because she (SIL) needed a break, and trainers. One of the kids is highly allergic to dogs. It’s pretty clear something is really weird here, and neither my wife nor I have any idea what to do, except do our best to help the kids, both of whom work full time over the summer and part time during the school year. And rant on the SDMB. Thanks, folks, for the space and thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/86 "2019-05-14T01:34:28Z")
This sounds like your BIL’s problem. Have you talked with him about it? ---
**Author:** ![Kropotkin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kropotkin/32/18045_2.png) [@Kropotkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kropotkin)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/87 "2019-05-14T01:46:39Z")
Have tried, delicately. Bit of the “frog in the slowly heating water” for everyone, intensified over the last year or two. BIL has been extremely stressed at work and we have mostly tried to cut all of them some slack as best we could but clearly, that wasn’t of any use. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/88 "2019-05-14T03:49:20Z")
You SIL sounds, um, difficult. It’s good of you to help the kids, but remember that they aren’t really your responsibility. And if she’s hurt by not having other people wait on her for the pot luck, oh well. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/89 "2019-05-14T04:01:59Z")
Wonderful. Sounds like a handful. The poor family. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/90 "2019-05-14T11:38:28Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/91 "2019-05-14T14:09:13Z")
Having something to eat at a family dinner seems like the least of your SIL’s worries. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/92 "2019-05-14T14:15:27Z")
> [@D\_Anconia](#): > > I disagree. > > Being a vegan is a choice, and no one should be _expected_ to accommodate that. > > Also, only 4% of the population has an actual food allergy. > > Your scenario is quite unlikely. No, sometimes being a vegan isn’t a choice - my SCA friend Tibor has one of the genetic things where his body seriously overreacts to fats in food so he is on a no fat diet, and the best way to deal with that is being vegan as he is allergic to shellfish. For him, it is how he stays alive. Me? Omniverous but seriously restricted when I go to random parties … anaphylactically allergic to mushrooms and you really do not want to see my reactions to coconut/palm or bivalves [oysters, mussels, clams, scallops] and what are some of the most common ‘umami’ additives? Mushrooms and fish sauce … and most convenience foods have gone to using tropical oils. Hells bells, I just got bombed by someone substituting palm oil instead of butter combined with olive oil in shrimp scampi “because it is healthier for you” when the ingredient list at the pot luck stated butter and olive oil … For most of the past year I have dealt with extreme nausea [thanks, chemo…] and I have dealt with many cases of going out and having ice water because that was the only thing I could think of that wouldn’t make me vomit … ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/93 "2019-05-14T16:33:54Z")
But if you have an extremely restrictive diet, and you are invited to a pot luck, the sensible thing to do is to bring a contribution that you can eat. I always do that, and I’m just a picky eater. I don’t choke or vomit on other people’s food, I’m just likely to be unhappy about eating it. This meal was a pot luck. SIL could jolly well have brought her own food, even if “she works that day”. There’s plenty of food that can be purchased or made the day prior. I pride myself in accommodating all my guests – everyone will have something they can eat, and it won’t just be lettuce or dry pasta. But if you are going to get pissy or miffed that everyone else doesn’t bring the unusual food that you are willing to eat to a potluck, and you refuse to bring something you can eat, then that’s on you. Not on your host. And certainly not on you BIL who is really just another guest in this story. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/94 "2019-05-14T18:47:06Z")
Having SIL over for dinner sounds like a lot of trouble. Put SIL in the smoker for six hours and then have her for dinner. Problem solved. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/95 "2019-05-14T21:16:40Z")
Oooh, good idea - except she would probably taste bitter… ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324/96 "2019-05-14T22:41:22Z")
N/M - I should really read the whole thread to see if my joke has been used before posting. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vegetarian-in-law-at-carnivore-family-dinner/830324.md?page=4)