# velocity of flatulence **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [October 9, 2001, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233 "2001-10-09T01:53:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2001, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/41 "2001-10-11T17:48:36Z")
Gentlemen, gentlemen, must we use the words “fart” and “condensate” in the same sentence? Here’s another possibility… how about if we secure some harmonic device securely to the inquisitor’s anus, a “butt kazoo” if you will, and measure the pitch emitted upon maximum exertion? It can then be measured against a known scale which, upon reflection, should probably be determined prior to the test event. Or maybe NASA could ass this question of an astronaut… Were one to measure the velocity a body of known weight was propelled forward by a space fart at, it seems determining the initiating gas velocity would be elementary. Problem is, in space it would be silent and in a space suit it would be deadly. ---
**Author:** ![purgepro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e68b1a/32.png) [@purgepro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purgepro)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2001, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/42 "2001-10-11T19:14:50Z")
I’ve thought that farts are supersonic at times. Like a spy plane, ya know that they’re there(smell), but ya just don’t know where they came from(farter). ---
**Author:** ![Doctordec](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Doctordec](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctordec)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2001, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/43 "2001-10-11T20:16:38Z")
lieu… Hey that “butt kazoo” idea has some merit but wouldn’t it just measure fart pressure and not velocity. The anus is pretty aerodynamically complex so any such instrument would be tough to calibrate. How about just popping a plain old cork (properly lubed)played back in slow motion. Why, I bet there’s a doper somewhere willing to try it in the name of science. Just remember I’m not a medical doctor. ---
**Author:** ![jack\_ss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jack\_ss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_ss)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2001, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/44 "2001-10-11T23:48:59Z")
It’s really not that hard to do. All you need are a hydrocarbon detector, like heating/AC guys use to test for gas leaks, and a stopwatch. Set the hydrocarbon detector to it’s most sensitive level. Set it up a measured distance form the ass. Drop trou, fart and click the stopwatch at the same time. Then click the stopwatch again when you hear the hydrocarbon detector squawk. You’ll have to do this in an air-tight room so no stray breezes will interfere with accuracy. You’ll also want to repeat this experiment with as many subjects as possible to get a reliable average. I know from experience that the hydrocarbon detector will signal on flatus, but we never thought of timing it. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2001, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/45 "2001-10-12T03:18:26Z")
First off, the title of this thread \*\*The Velocity of Flatulence \*\* sounds like an Indy film title. I like it alot. Secondly, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Blow SUNSHINE up the ass since light travels faster than gas… [quote] I remember this as if it was yesterday… \*\* [quote] I remember this as if it was yesterday \*\* Look, it’s deja poo poo all over again. d&r ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2001, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/46 "2001-10-12T03:22:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lieu \* > \*\*Gentlemen, gentlemen, must we use the words “fart” and “condensate” in the same sentence? > > Here’s another possibility… how about if we secure some harmonic device securely to the inquisitor’s anus, \*a “butt kazoo” . \*\* - This is pure genius. You have found a crack in the market… you could sell this to frat boys across the nation. Bill Gates would be your cabana boy after Rush week. I can see the infomercial now: The Ronco Butt Kazoo. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2001, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/47 "2001-10-12T03:43:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by imthjckaz \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by saudade \* > > \*\*I feel like a fartknocker now… \*\* > > No, now **saudade** , don’t be so hard on yourself. > > It’s just that you used to be a smart feller, now, you’re a fart smeller. > > 😛 \*\* Just don’t be what Chuck Barris liked to call people in his autobiography: an Insufferable Fartbiter. Suave, that Chucky. > [@](#): > > _Posted by **Shirley Ujest:** _ > > I can see the infomercial now: The Ronco Butt Kazoo. Where you see an infomercial, I’m seeing a new Jethro Tull album. No, no…please tell my brain didn’t just produce the title **Aquabung** … ---
**Author:** ![Ded\_Jester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Ded\_Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ded_Jester)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2001, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/48 "2001-10-12T10:34:57Z")
I haven’t laughed like this in years…and sadly, I have a method with I assume would work as well as any, but I need one of to determine the proper formula for the calculation. You either need an underwater camera and a bathtub or a large fish tank with friendly but brave and patient fish in it and a regular camera. Get in the water, and get your anus aligned parallel to the water. If it’s the fishtank, apologize first, and probably afterwards. Release! Measure the maximum distance between the bubble and the source before it reverses direction and heads up. I think that could give you sufficient data to make your measurement, though I don’t remember enough physics to tell you any more. It’s just a measure of how long until the force of your flatulance is counteracted by the different atomospheric pressures of the water and the…umm…yeah. Anyway…I’m not all that smart, any of the smart folks see any way this could work? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2001, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/49 "2001-10-12T11:46:59Z")
Jack@ss (two s’s or three?), a hydrocarbon detector? You’ve likely stumbled upon a satisfactory method of determining whether or not women fart. I will promptly purchase said device and mount it under my secretary, Ms. Gutrumble’s desk and patiently await the squelch of death. I am still curious if, because of the tighter diameter of their chocolate starfish, the pitch will, like women’s voices, be higher. And yakboy, thanks for the link above. The bioflatus guide made it clear that the stinkfactor is an indicator of the amount of deadly H2S being purged, another insidious compound for which a lifesaving monitor device exists. We now have a velociflatus back-up tool. A strange thing happened on the way to this forum… I was watching the weather channel and saw a stormlackey on a beach measuring tropical windstorm velocity with a hand-held propeller device. Maybe Jim Cantore would be willing to stand behind me in a rainsuit and measure my gusts. Well, here’s to the advancement of science. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherScrim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@BrotherScrim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherScrim)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2001, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/50 "2001-10-12T12:27:14Z")
Chocolate starfish…do you write for the Penthouse Forum? ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2001, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/51 "2001-10-12T13:02:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*Originally posted by lieu \*\* > \*Jack@ss (two s’s or three?), a hydrocarbon detector? You’ve likely stumbled upon a satisfactory method of determining whether or not women fart. I will promptly purchase said device and mount it under my secretary, Ms. Gutrumble’s desk and patiently await the squelch of death. I am still curious if, because of the tighter diameter of their chocolate starfish, the pitch will, like women’s voices, be higher. > > And yakboy, thanks for the link above. The bioflatus guide made it clear that the stinkfactor is an indicator of the amount of deadly H2S being purged, another insidious compound for which a lifesaving monitor device exists. We now have a velociflatus back-up tool.\* The admirably informative link given by **yakboy** provides anecdotal evidence that women fart as much as do men. The main difference in the Farting Strategy employed by women as opposed to men is that the female of the species farts less often, but emits more Unpleasantness with each Expulsion, making the average daily total for both men and women about the same at half a litre of gas. Whilst I agree that fart _pitch_ has not been fully investigated by Scientific Boffin People, this is a completely separate subject which may be better suited to _Cafe Society_, a forum which, if I have read the description correctly, was established specifically for the purpose of discussing Music and The Farts. Having said that, I do not think it will ever be possible for one man to play a recognisable ‘tune’ using Unaccompanied Anal Emissions. The average male discharge rate of 14 farts per day does not seem to offer enough scope for anything approaching a symphony, and even a short concerto would seem to be beyond the ambitions of most of us. I sincerely hope that my prediction, in this respect if in no other, proves to be correct. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2001, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/52 "2001-10-12T18:14:47Z")
\*Originally posted by Nostradamus \* **…and even a short concerto would seem to be beyond the ambitions of most of us.** [/QUOTE] \*\* Admittedly, most of mine qualify as little more than a staccoto’d jingle. I’m curious though about how the laws of physics are working here. I mean doesn’t a body once set in motion tend to remain in motion? And wouldn’t a fart so set perfectly display the characteristics of Brownian Motion? Two farts walk into a bar… which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first one do it. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/53 "2001-10-17T01:15:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nostradamus \* > \*\*Having said that, I do not think it will ever be possible for one man to play a recognisable ‘tune’ using Unaccompanied Anal Emissions. The average male discharge rate of 14 farts per day does not seem to offer enough scope for anything approaching a symphony, and even a short concerto would seem to be beyond the ambitions of most of us. > > I sincerely hope that my prediction, in this respect if in no other, proves to be correct. \*\* [Le Petomaine](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_394.html). Sorry to do that to you. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/54 "2001-10-17T05:43:05Z")
Interesting link **Dijon**. Without wishing to underestimate _Le Petomaine_’s sound Anal Achievments, he _could_ only produce 4 notes without accompaniment. I do hope that he didn’t get his ocarina mixed up with anyone else’s instrument. For their sake. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/55 "2001-10-17T07:22:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nostradamus \* > \*\*Interesting link **Dijon**. > > Without wishing to underestimate _Le Petomaine_’s sound Anal Achievments, he _could_ only produce 4 notes without accompaniment.\*\* True, but he could have built up a serious repertoire of Phillip Glass tunes. > [@](#): > > \*\*I do hope that he didn’t get his ocarina mixed up with anyone else’s instrument. > > For their sake. 🙂 \*\* That’s why I stick to guitar. ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2001, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/56 "2001-10-17T19:13:32Z")
I had heard of Le Petomane even before reading Cecil’s column. And, brother, that is a piece of information I could have lived without. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/57 "2001-11-02T20:02:56Z")
Is there any evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, to suggest that a horse which farts immediately the starting stalls open gains an advantage over the rest of the field? I am not interested in the velocity of the fart in this scenario, I am merely curious as to whether a well-timed equine anal emission can make the difference between defeat and victory. Especially in sprint races. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/58 "2001-11-02T20:21:23Z")
Hmmm… you mean like the JATO (Jet Assisted TakeOff) used by out military to help propel a large object (plane) off a short runway? :rubbing chin:: Hadn’t considered that before. You know, with a reverse thruster mounted behind, a couple of good alfalfa farts could probably help slow the spirited beast down too. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/59 "2001-11-02T20:38:00Z")
Quite. And who is to know whether or not _JATO_ or _RTMB_ (Reverse Thruster Mounted Behind) have been fitted to a racehorse’s Nether Regions? At the start of a race you can see the stalls handlers checking for just about everything except jet propulsion aids. I think this calls for a strongly worded letter to the Jockey Club. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2001, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233/60 "2001-11-02T20:52:53Z")
It’s a little known fact that horses don’t have any twitch muscles in their tails. What’s swinging them vigorously from side to side are _equipoots._ Properly harnessed, you’d think they’d really benefit the mudder. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/velocity-of-flatulence/86233.md?page=4)