# Venting to my unemployed friend - now she won't talk to me **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2014, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386 "2014-09-13T13:24:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/21 "2014-09-13T17:09:11Z")
Raft: The OP is REMINDING her ex-friend WHY she has free time. A jerkish thing to do! But, yeah don’t give her veto power over who you socialize with. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/22 "2014-09-13T17:10:07Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > :dubious::dubious::dubious: > > What the op did was normal every day griping. I had it happen to me all the time when I was between real jobs. I gently reminded my friends they were barking up the wrong tree at that point in time. They understood. What you don’t want to do is abandon your friends when they’re down even if you think they might be mad at you. Life’s too short. +1 Griping about a job to an unemployed person might have been a mistake, but we all make mistakes. True friends talk about it and get over it. I’m surprised you’ve been friends for 10 years without realizing someone is such an idiot that they can’t deal with something like this. I might say something like this: “I’m sorry I offended you. I enjoyed having you as my friend. Let me know when you’re ready to get over it. If I don’t hear from you again, well, have a nice life, and I’ll miss you.” ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/23 "2014-09-13T17:50:34Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > My view is that most controversies between most people have a pea-sized nugget of legitimacy wrapped up in a boulder-sized ball of outrage. > > The folks who can recognize that and dial back their own outrage are the ones I think are worth dealing with. > > The folks who treat their own outrage as 100% legitimate and always exactly proportional & appropriate to the issue at hand are IMO the problem. > > Two people like me can get along indefinitely. Two people from the \*always 100% justified outrage \*school can also get along indefinitely, albeit noisily & drama-fully. > > But one of each type is a recipe for relationship failure sooner rather than later. Which I suspect is the case with our OP. This +1. Maybe even +2. Maybe your friend will feel better once she has a job, or maybe if she doesn’t have her “dream” job she won’t. It won’t do any harm to apologize for hurting her feelings or saying you should have realized that she wasn’t the one to vent to about employment problems. If that helps resolve the problems between you two, well and good. If not, find new friends at work. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/24 "2014-09-13T18:18:00Z")
Wow, opinions about the OP’s conduct are all over the place—perhaps not surprisingly, since I’d need more context to know whether the OP did anything wrong. OP: have you been generally supportive, sympathetic, and helpful toward this friend through her period of unemployment? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/25 "2014-09-13T18:38:45Z")
Honestly, if she is going to cling to this fantasy that life satisfaction is black and white - that having a job somehow means your troubles disappear - this is not a good friend for you right now, or possibly ever. I can’t imagine not being able to talk to a friend about what’s going on with my life. I’ve been unemployed for long stretches of time and I never once thought it was inappropriate for someone to vent to me about work. Their life is not my life. How can I compare my suffering to another’s? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/26 "2014-09-13T18:42:03Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Wow, opinions about the OP’s conduct are all over the place—perhaps not surprisingly, since I’d need more context to know whether the OP did anything wrong. I guess this is why I said there are no good guys or bad guy in this situation. I should have qualified that with “based on the information provided.” I mean, if the OP’s complaints were something worthy of kvetching about and not a part of a long series of workplace rants, then the OP’s friends behavior is not acceptable. However, I can totally see how it would be understandable if those two conditions were not met. It sucks that people can’t be how we want them to be, but a frayed nerve is still a frayed nerve. The OP says the friend is a “lend an ear” type of person who likes to listen to other people’s problems. I can’t imagine that someone would like always being in this position. Especially if they are going through their own shit. And it is easy to take advantage of a listener without realizing it. If the friend were here to post her side, would she say that the OP is the “lend an ear” friend that SHE needs. Or would she say that their friendship is one-sided and she’s sick of having to feign sympathy all the time? Since we don’t know, I’m not going to judge either way. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/27 "2014-09-13T19:03:30Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > It’s a little difficult for me to wrap my head around the concept of it being unacceptable to talk about work to an unemployed friend. > > Is it insensitive for me to tell my totally blind wife that I think my glasses are too expensive? Depends. “$200 dollars for frames! You don’t know how lucky you are!” ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/28 "2014-09-13T19:04:05Z")
The fault isn’t in the friend feeling hurt at being “reminded” that she’s unemployed. Obviously the OP having a job wasn’t a secret but clearly he inadvertently poked a sore spot. The OP wasn’t at fault to talking to his close friend about a major portion of his life- his work. That’s what friends do. The fault is the friend being so immature that she can’t tell him it bothered her and give him the chance to make amends. I credit the OP for wanting to reach out and offer an apology for hurting his friend’s feelings, even unintentionally. Sorry if I got the OP gender wrong. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/29 "2014-09-14T02:18:09Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > The fault is the friend being so immature that she can’t tell him it bothered her and give him the chance to make amends. I credit the OP for wanting to reach out and offer an apology for hurting his friend’s feelings, even unintentionally. I agree. Part of being a good friend is being interested in and caring about the life of your friend, no matter what. You can’t hold jealousy for your friends’ situations and stay a true friend. You can’t. Doesn’t mean that one can brag or tease about their perceived-to-be-better situation all over their friends and not expect pushback. But if one is simply venting about an aspect of their situation that is not ideal, it’s just not cool to be all “WELL BE GLAD YOU HAVE THAT SITUATION AT ALL!” People without relationships, kids, jobs, cars, savings accounts, eyesight, living parents, trust funds, stable homes, etc are friends with people who have all those things. It’s a normal way to be part of a society. If you can’t handle discussing something that someone has that you want but don’t have…then that is all on you. I can see where the upset friend is coming from but the right way to deal with it is to say “Hate to cut you off but I’ve been really bummed about being unemployed lately, can we talk about something else?” and then talk about something else. If that happened, we’d be bitching at the OP for pushing the issue on the unemployed friend after she said she didn’t want to discuss the OP’s work. But as far as I can tell that didn’t happen. The friend just freaked out and went as far as to stop all communication. Not cool. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/30 "2014-09-14T02:31:50Z")
Another vote for the friend being overly-sensitive. Horrible to be long-term unemployed, I’m sure, but does that mean the only people she wants to associate with are unemployed people, or employed people who won’t mention their jobs? That seems rather silly. > [@](#): > > People without relationships, kids, jobs, cars, savings accounts, eyesight, living parents, trust funds, stable homes, etc are friends with people who have all those things. It’s a normal way to be part of a society. Exactly. We’d all be walking on eggshells, constantly, if that were the case. I can see why the OP’s friend might get upset and frustrated at times, but if that is her standard M.O., it might give some insight into why the OP is gainfully employed, and the friend is not. Desperation and bitterness are not viewed as positive traits, usually. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/31 "2014-09-14T02:38:34Z")
As an example, my best friend from grad school had trouble getting pregnant. I had two kids in the time she was still trying. I felt awful calling her when I was pregnant the second time, but I wanted to share the news. She was gracious about it and genuinely happy for me, but I also kept it to a minimum. I’d be upset if I couldn’t talk to her about my pregnancies because she was hanging trouble. I would also be mad if her feelings were hurt and she just cut me off. I tried to be sensitive, but she had to communicate her needs with me as well. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/32 "2014-09-14T02:39:24Z")
Barring some dickish way the OP might have talked about work, the OP’s friend sounds like someone I would not want in my life. It’s okay to be sensitive about certain topics and to let your friends know, but to push them out of your life for touching on one? Crazy talk. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Nylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/77aa72/32.png) [@Mr.Nylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Nylock)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/33 "2014-09-14T03:32:18Z")
You just don’t get it man, you’re no longer in the cool I don’t have a job, I ain’t workin for the man no more club. Winning is for losers. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/34 "2014-09-14T03:39:00Z")
> [@WeAimToPlease](#): > > I had a work disagreement with a colleague and I ‘lost’ the argument which I wasn’t happy about. I decided to vent to my unemployed friend over text. At which point they got really mad about my salary and how I should basically put up with it for the amount I earn. > > Said friend hasn’t spoken to me since and that was 2 months ago. Also have no longer been invited to group gatherings. I have been on holiday for part of that time and reached out once but no response. > > This friend is my best friend of 10 years and we both graduated during tough economic times. She’s been looking for her dream job for at least a year now but no such luck. She’s only known about my salary for a few months of our friendship though and I told her in confidence because of our friendship. > > Regardless of my obvious apparent insensitivity, how can I make this right? Don’t you dare apologize for a ‘lack of sensitivity’. Wait till she has something that you want, and see if \*she’s \*apologizing for anything she says. This is no good friend. You P’d & M’d, about something that she doesn’t have, and she \*completely \*cuts you off?? This is not a friend. This is a fucking baby that you will need to nuture for the rest of your lives. The appropriate response on her part would have been ‘WTF, WATP, quit your fuckin’ complainin’." But, no, she broke off all communication. There is something more than your complaining that is at play. Perhaps her psychosis. You are well rid of her. If it does get ‘made right’ you are going to have to hook her back up to a lifelong umbilical cord, attached to Mama **WeAimToPlease.** Let her fuck herself. That would make it all ‘right’. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/35 "2014-09-14T04:30:28Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > … a fucking baby that you will need to nuture for the rest of your lives. That would, of course, be ‘nurture’. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/36 "2014-09-14T05:17:21Z")
One thing we seem to be glossing over is the “no longer being invited to group gatherings”. So is everyone in the group going along with ms overly sensitive? Are they all unemployed too or what? How many friends have actually been lost here? ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/37 "2014-09-14T06:23:25Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Magiver: Your real “friends” should’ve been sensitive enough to your situation not gripe. It’s like saying,“See, at least I HAVE a job to gripe about.” People shouldn’t have to put up with that from alleged “friends”. My real friends took care of me in all ways possible. Some called me almost daily to check on me. You may not understand this kind of relationship but my friends go back to grade school and I’m in my 50’s. You’re reading way too much into what transpired. ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/38 "2014-09-14T06:53:24Z")
A few brief paragraphs giving a bare-bones outline of one person’s side of a story, and so many people are sure they know exactly what is happening, and who is in the the right and who is in the wrong. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/39 "2014-09-14T10:47:58Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Don’t you dare apologize for a ‘lack of sensitivity’. Wait till she has something that you want, and see if \*she’s \*apologizing for anything she says. > This is no good friend. You P’d & M’d, about something that she doesn’t have, and she \*completely \*cuts you off?? This is not a friend. This is a fucking baby that you will need to nuture for the rest of your lives. The appropriate response on her part would have been ‘WTF, WATP, quit your fuckin’ complainin’." But, no, she broke off all communication. There is something more than your complaining that is at play. Perhaps her psychosis. > You are well rid of her. If it does get ‘made right’ you are going to have to hook her back up to a lifelong umbilical cord, attached to Mama **WeAimToPlease.** > Let her fuck herself. That would make it all ‘right’. Now I disagree. Being unemployed and another person talking about their great job can be very tough on a person. Maybe her friend felt like the OP was bragging? My wife went thru something similar to that when a friend of hers got a job in a field she wanted and seemingly, wouldnt stop talking about it. Yeah, maybe she was behaving a little like a spoiled baby but otoh, sometimes we dont truly think about what we say? ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2014, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386/40 "2014-09-14T16:55:26Z")
Does this mean you shouldn’t talk about, or bitch about your job to others that are in a worse position. Can I not try to commiserate and try to console? Share stories? If for no other reason than to show that you understand? If someone complains to me about their position, I may do the same. Nothing is perfect. I have a good job, but frankly, it really, really sucks sometimes. Strikes and gutter balls. To hell with that. I can also share the tough times in my job. There are plenty of things that keep me up at night. The biggest being my job. What can I say, a big part of my life is my job. But when my friend constantly complained about how worthless government employees are, I took offense. I’ve worked for the gov for 22 years. He knows that. And the next time I saw him he went into the same diatribe that all government employees are on the take and don’t work hard. That was pretty much it for me. Friendship. Over. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/venting-to-my-unemployed-friend-now-she-wont-talk-to-me/698386.md?page=3)