# Ventriloquist's Dummy Breast Problem **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [September 2, 2004, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793 "2004-09-02T16:52:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/1 "2004-09-02T16:52:30Z")
As a direct result of a recent mid-life crisis I have decided to retrain as a ventriloquist. To this end I ordered, and have received by parcel post, a 30" tall upgraded ventriloquist’s dummy with straight blonde hair, hard hollow body, moving head, trigger action mouth, ball & socket neck, eyelashes and handmade bra & knickers. The dummy’s name is Ethel. I am currently wading through an instruction booklet called _Seven Simple Steps to Ventriloquism_ prior to taking Ethel to my local pub where, all being well, she will order the first round of drinks. However, there is an issue regarding Ethel’s breasts which I wish to resolve before I launch her on an unsuspecting public. Without actually measuring them with great accuracy, experience tells me that Ethel’s mammaries are size 19DD. I consider this on the large side for a 30" dummy but what do I know. Anyway, the problem is not one of proportion. It is that Ethel’s left breast is significantly less shiny than her right breast (probably due to a manufacturing error) such that it is practically a matt finish in comparison to its glossy counterpart. Although ventriloquially irrelevant, clearly this is a situation which cannot be allowed to continue. I have tried polishing the offending breast with a variety of proprietary liquids, including Pledge furniture polish and Orange-Glo wood cleaner, but to no avail. As a last resort I intend to remove the breast surface with a fine sandpaper and reapply woodstain to the bare wood. In the vain hope that I have missed a beat here, and before I embark upon such a drastic solution, I would be pleased to hear from anyone with experience of buffing up a pair of 19DD wooden breasts to a satisfactory standard. Many thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/2 "2004-09-02T16:59:23Z")
If anyone has actually done what the OP is asking, I will personally be impressed. As for the OP, why not clothe Ethel? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/3 "2004-09-02T17:02:26Z")
“What? And leave show business?” :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/4 "2004-09-02T17:31:39Z")
I don’t have any answers, I’m afraid, but I just had to nominate this for “Most Unlikely Thread Title Ever.” ---
**Author:** ![LordVor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90ced4/32.png) [@LordVor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LordVor)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/5 "2004-09-02T17:35:53Z")
Is your heart set on two shiny breasts, or would you be satisfied if the two were equally dull? -lv ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/6 "2004-09-02T17:41:40Z")
All these years lurking among us like a viper. The true depths of your perversity hidden like an underground sewer of corruption now spilling forth into the day. Here [The Dummy Doctor](http://homepage.mac.com/asemok/dummies2.html) ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/7 "2004-09-02T19:24:18Z")
Ah, it’s a 1920s style “RealDoll.” ---
**Author:** ![vetbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5e925/32.png) [@vetbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vetbridge)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/8 "2004-09-02T23:00:22Z")
I have had the chance to inspect many pairs of breasts. Some belonged to intelligent women, some to real dummies. Anyway, I have noticed that _never_ are left and right identical. Any chance the manufacturer is trying to mimic this? ---
**Author:** ![Hyperelastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Hyperelastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hyperelastic)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/9 "2004-09-02T23:41:24Z")
You could try to build your act around it. For instance, “Ethel, I noticed your left tit is really dull.” “Not as dull as your intellect.” or, “Ethel, why is your right tit so shiny?” “I don’t know; why is your scrotum so wrinkly?” or, “Ethel, your tits are of distinctly varying albedo” “Albedo the crap out of you if you don’t stop bringing that up”. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/10 "2004-09-02T23:51:40Z")
> [@Hyperelastic](#): > > “Ethel, your tits are of distinctly varying albedo” > > “Albedo the crap out of you if you don’t stop bringing that up”. _snork_ ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/11 "2004-09-02T23:52:43Z")
If the wood already has a good coat of varnish or laquer on it and is just dull as a surface effect (not due to insufficient coating), you may experience success with cutting compound of the kind used to polish scratches out of car paint and restore shine. ---
**Author:** ![SentientMeat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SentientMeat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SentientMeat)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/12 "2004-09-03T10:49:58Z")
I think this must be the most bizarre genuinely-asked question I have ever seen here! (I hope **Chicane** ’s mid-life crisis did not _start_ when someone found him rubbing Pledge into a ventriloquist’s tit with a look of frustrated annoyance on his face.) ---
**Author:** ![SentientMeat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SentientMeat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SentientMeat)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/13 "2004-09-03T10:51:32Z")
Make that “a ventriloquist’s _dummy’s_ tit”. The mind boggles even more at the situation described by the original typo! ---
**Author:** ![Phnord\_Prephect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/df705f/32.png) [@Phnord\_Prephect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phnord_Prephect)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/14 "2004-09-03T11:21:17Z")
Noooo… sorry, Sentient, but although the mind boggles, it boggles slightly less at the first scenario. I mean, the only question there is “Why pledge?” q;} ---
**Author:** ![ponderer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/2bfe46/32.png) [@ponderer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ponderer)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/15 "2004-09-03T11:38:05Z")
He has to make sure the titties are right in the event of a “wardrobe malfunction”… can’t have another dummy with a dim tit. ---
**Author:** ![Gravity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gravity/32/14322_2.png) [@Gravity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gravity)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/16 "2004-09-03T12:40:36Z")
If dissatisfied, why not send her back for another? It _is_ a manufacturing problem, after all. ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/17 "2004-09-03T12:43:45Z")
Does Ethel have atanomically correct nipples? ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/18 "2004-09-03T14:02:30Z")
> [@Padeye](#): > > Does Ethel have atanomically correct nipples? And can you get sunburst nipple covers for them? ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/19 "2004-09-03T15:04:51Z")
> [@ponderer](#): > > He has to make sure the titties are right in the event of a “wardrobe malfunction”… can’t have another dummy with a dim tit. It hasn’t harmed JJ’s career much! 😃 ::: flees ::: ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/20 "2004-09-03T15:47:51Z")
> [@Padeye](#): > > Does Ethel have atanomically correct nipples? It’s funny you should say that. The answer is no, she doesn’t. Her nipples feature vertical slots, to which I have just applied a screwdriver to see what would happen. What happened was that I was able to remove both breasts from the torso with a minimum of effort. Since Ethel’s body (minus her left breast) is totally glossy, I have decided to return the breasts to the retailer and hang on to the rest of her. My edict to said retailer will demand that he supplies me with a pair of identical glossy breasts as per the correct right one, which I am sending purely as an example of the quality I require. Employing this approach will enable me to continue my retraining as a ventriloquist while I wait on tenterhooks for the delivery of a pair of acceptable breasts. Naturally Ethel will have to remain indoors until the problem is resolved. Incidentally, I cannot clothe Ethel right now because I have yet to persuade Mrs. Chicane that making dresses for a wooden dummy will constitute good use of her valuable time. Meanwhile, thank you for all responses, both jocular and technical. I am now sitting here wondering what to write on the parcel where it says _Description of Contents._ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793.md?page=2)