# Ventriloquist's Dummy Breast Problem **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [September 2, 2004, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793 "2004-09-02T16:52:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SentientMeat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SentientMeat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SentientMeat)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/21 "2004-09-03T16:19:14Z")
Jesus, **Chicane** , I just very nearly wet myself. The image of you furiously brandishing an unglossed wooden breast at an apologetic retail clerk could simply not be conceived by even the most creative comic mind. I’d suggest you have half of your routine right here. ---
**Author:** ![Gravity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gravity/32/14322_2.png) [@Gravity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gravity)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/22 "2004-09-03T19:04:00Z")
Simple, you put “wooden breasts, (1) glossy (1) matte” ---
**Author:** ![ltfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@ltfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ltfire)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/23 "2004-09-03T20:16:36Z")
I’d have sworn that unscrewing her breasts would have caused her ass to fall off. Silly me. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/24 "2004-09-03T20:22:07Z")
Can I also just point out that your wife is very lucky to be married to a man whose idea of a mid-life crisis involves wooden women? ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/25 "2004-09-03T20:34:17Z")
So I injured my index finger really bad and couldn’t bend it for like a month. I was bemoaning this to a friend and he said, “It could be a lot worse, you could be a ventriloquist.”. I said, " Like oh yea, because I probably wouldn’t be able to operate the dummies mouth without a trigger finger, right?". He said, “No, it would just really suck to be a ventriloquist.” ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/26 "2004-09-03T21:12:50Z")
> [@Chicane](#): > > Employing this approach will enable me to continue my retraining as a ventriloquist while I wait on tenterhooks for the delivery of a pair of acceptable breasts. I would just like to say, **Chicane** , that this board will be measurably poorer for your absence if you choose not to formally extend your membership at the conclusion of your allotted guest period. _—goes to change underpants—_ ---
**Author:** ![Monkeypants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecd19e/32.png) [@Monkeypants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monkeypants)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/27 "2004-09-03T21:25:35Z")
So even once you get the two shiny breasts and the thing doesn’t smell like Orange-Glo anymore, you still intend to take a nude dummy to your local bar and have it order drinks? I am lost on this part. If I were at a bar and all of a sudden I saw an obviously novice ventriloquist with a shiny nude female dummy trying to order drinks, I would immediately have whatever I was drinking tested for adulterants. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/28 "2004-09-03T21:31:06Z")
> [@Monkeypants](#): > > So even once you get the two shiny breasts and the thing doesn’t smell like Orange-Glo anymore, you still intend to take a nude dummy to your local bar and have it order drinks? I am lost on this part. > > If I were at a bar and all of a sudden I saw an obviously novice ventriloquist with a shiny nude female dummy trying to order drinks, I would immediately have whatever I was drinking tested for adulterants. Huh. If people are having an illicit affair in your drink, and you have to test for that, wooden women are the least of your worries. Oh, adulterANTS. Sorry. 😃 If two ants are having an illicit affair… ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/29 "2004-09-03T21:34:27Z")
I, for one, am quite anxious for the detailed report of **Chicane** ’s first visit to a bar with his voluptuous wooden friend. Particularly in her current state of dishabille! BTW, nice try at inventing a word: “ventriloquially”, but I think you meant “ventriloquous” – of or pertaining to a ventriloquist or ventriloquism. Mrs. danalan might be interested in manufacturing a custom doll’s dress for Ethel. Email me for a link to examples of her handmade dresses. ---
**Author:** ![FruitPie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b9bd4f/32.png) [@FruitPie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FruitPie)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2004, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/30 "2004-09-04T09:55:07Z")
> [@Chicane](#): > > It’s funny you should say that. > > The answer is no, she doesn’t. Her nipples feature vertical slots, to which I have just applied a screwdriver to see what would happen. What happened was that I was able to remove both breasts from the torso with a minimum of effort. > > - I’m sure there must be at least one female doper fitting this description 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2004, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/31 "2004-09-04T10:09:12Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > I would just like to say, **Chicane** , that this board will be measurably poorer for your absence if you choose not to formally extend your membership at the conclusion of your allotted guest period. > > _—goes to change underpants—_ Second. Can I borrow a pair? ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2004, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/32 "2004-09-04T21:37:47Z")
I greatly appreciate the generous remarks. Regarding my time on this board, I have been a member since August 2001 and I am paid up since March of this year. Barring accidents, I hope to continue my membership _ad nauseam._ I did post under the name **Nostradamus** until November 2002 but since then (until recently) I have been lurking, not having anything useful to contribute. I have returned the dummy’s breasts to whence they came, in a parcel marked _Wooden Breasts: Please Do Not Fondle_ and, as an afterthought, _This Way Up._ Thanks are also due to **Danalan** for the tentative offer of a custom dress. When Ethel’s breasts are returned to me perhaps I can have a look at what is on offer. Furthermore, if I eventually summon up the ‘bottle’ to take Ethel to the pub, be she naked, fully clothed or simply _deshabille_, I may return to this thread and advise on the outcome. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2004, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/33 "2004-09-04T21:44:55Z")
> [@Chicane](#): > > I greatly appreciate the generous remarks. > > Regarding my time on this board, I have been a member since August 2001 and I am paid up since March of this year. Barring accidents, I hope to continue my membership _ad nauseam._ > > I did post under the name **Nostradamus** until November 2002 but since then (until recently) I have been lurking, not having anything useful to contribute. > > I have returned the dummy’s breasts to whence they came, in a parcel marked _Wooden Breasts: Please Do Not Fondle_ and, as an afterthought, _This Way Up._ > > Thanks are also due to **Danalan** for the tentative offer of a custom dress. When Ethel’s breasts are returned to me perhaps I can have a look at what is on offer. > > Furthermore, if I eventually summon up the ‘bottle’ to take Ethel to the pub, be she naked, fully clothed or simply _deshabille_, I may return to this thread and advise on the outcome. You’re a man? I though you were a lady. I had this image of you trying to pull off some kind of sister act with Ethel. ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2004, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/34 "2004-09-06T21:50:45Z")
> [@FruitPie](#): > > I’m sure there must be at least one female doper fitting this description 😃 I’d be quite happy to check the ones I can get my hands on. Will report back if I should have any success… I live to serve. ---
**Author:** ![Saltire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saltire/32/553_2.png) [@Saltire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saltire)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2004, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/35 "2004-09-07T01:14:54Z")
> [@Danalan](#): > > BTW, nice try at inventing a word: “ventriloquially”, but I think you meant “ventriloquous” – of or pertaining to a ventriloquist or ventriloquism. You’re offering an adjective to replace the adverb you object to. Perhaps “ventriloquously”? ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2004, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/36 "2004-09-07T13:13:51Z")
Why are you going for shiny breasts? Why not remove the the gloss from one? If you do want shiny just apply a clear coat gloss to the matte finish, you shouldn’t sand it down to the wood. ---
**Author:** ![Alma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecd19e/32.png) [@Alma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alma)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2004, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/37 "2004-09-07T19:03:14Z")
> [@Chicane](#): > > I did post under the name **Nostradamus** until November 2002 but since then (until recently) I have been lurking, not having anything useful to contribute. Please let me say that I certainly remember you as **Nostradamus** and was quite a fan of your posts. I’m glad you’re back. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2004, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/38 "2004-09-07T21:14:35Z")
> [@Alma](#): > > Please let me say that I certainly remember you as **Nostradamus** and was quite a fan of your posts. I’m glad you’re back. I believe I recall you, too. Did you once regale us with your [mis-]adventures in search of a position in the ladies’ undergarments department at Harrod’s? ---
**Author:** ![rjk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2004, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/39 "2004-09-07T22:38:00Z")
> [@Chicane](#): > > \ > Furthermore, if I eventually summon up the ‘bottle’ to take Ethel to the pub, be she naked, fully clothed or simply _deshabille_, I **may return** to this thread and advise on the outcome. “_may_ return”? “_MAY_ return”? Make that “MUST return”! With pictures! Maybe Mrs. C. could go along to the pub with a camera. She would have to agree that _that_ constitutes a good use of her valuable time. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793/40 "2004-09-08T02:36:43Z")
The mind reels. Leave it to a Doper to come up with this level of **Chicane-ery** … I can imagine the Hollywood Reporter headling now, screaming in huge bold font: Mismatched Boobs Sidetrack Mouthpiece. Sawdust Settles, Bottles Emptied. 😃 😃 😃 😃 Cartooniverse [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ventriloquists-dummy-breast-problem/262793.md?page=3)