# VERY Important News Flash **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 28, 2001, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438 "2001-06-28T07:05:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/101 "2001-07-02T02:40:26Z")
I’m not wearing any pants… _film at 11_ ---
**Author:** ![Zappo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b3f665/32.png) [@Zappo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zappo)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/102 "2001-07-02T02:55:35Z")
Here’s a few late scores from the West. . . Guam Prep 28, Marshall Islands 15; Honolulu Tech 21, Manila University 5; Marianas Trench 6, Jakarta College 2. And the weather: Tonight’s forecast: Dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered light around morning. I’ve just been handed an important bulletin: Your fly is ope. . .uh, over to you at the desk, Bob. . . ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/103 "2001-07-02T03:04:20Z")
and now to back to Baboon… I had chinese chicken salad for dinner. it was swell! A news 4 special investigation: My Dog is a Boston Terrier. he is neither a terrier nor from boston. ( I got him in Houston) what gives? and now, back to Tony… ---
**Author:** ![sailor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@sailor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sailor)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/104 "2001-07-02T03:19:10Z")
And today in our nation’s Capital, the American Confederation of Associations (ACA), joined the North American Federation of Institutions (NAFI) and the Canadian League of Alliances (CLA) in denouncing the causes of the present situation and demanding that urgent measures be implemented to correct it. And now from our weather desk: Tomorrow it may be cold, hot, rainy, sunny… or not. Back to you Bob. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/105 "2001-07-02T12:51:25Z")
In our farm report, **Bunny** states that the black cherries are in at her Dad’s. She personally claims to have picked approximately 10 lbs this weekend, risking life and limb on the stepladder, in preparation for making **Black Cherry Cordial**. Broccoli is down, plums are on the rise, and the radishes finished the day in the refrigerator. In Entertainment news, our intrepid reporter claims her sources have pictures of **thinksnow** posting without pants. **thinksnow’s** people are denying this allegation, stating, “Our client would never post without pa…[sub]what’s that? He did?[/sub]…Our client would never allow pictures to be taken of himself posting without pants.” ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/106 "2001-07-02T12:54:37Z")
However, private viewings may be arranged. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/107 "2001-07-02T16:06:40Z")
And now in Employment, this just in: a new focus group is being formed. the P.R firm of ThinkSnowandthenSleet, inc is trying to decide: should their client put pants back on or keep them removed. It’s like the pepsi challenge, only this time it’s IMPORANT and URGENT that everyone participate. There are lives at stake here, people!!! and in other news: the Indepth investigation continues. We here at SDNews are relentless! my dog, the famous boston terrier, does not even bark with a boston accent. another scam being perpetrated on the innocent public. ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/108 "2001-07-02T21:23:12Z")
This just in . . . . . . An 8 state manhunt is on for thinksnow’s pants. It is currently believed that the pants in question are responsible for the kidnapping of Mr. Left Flip flop and the two of them are on their way to Vegas for illicit purposes. It is also believed Bob the newscaster has a video of a menage a trois between himself, Mr. Flip flop, and thinksnow’s pants. The child born of that disgusting copulation was none other than … … … … . ---
**Author:** ![Spavined\_Gelding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@Spavined\_Gelding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spavined_Gelding)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2001, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/109 "2001-07-02T22:28:14Z")
In an interview on the courthouse steps, the Defendant’s friends and relations said that the Defendant was an innocent man who had been wrongly prosecuted and convicted and that the system was corrupt and could offer the Defendant no fair access to justice. Further, they said, the victim and all the State’s witnesses were big fat liars, and had bad haircuts, too. In the meantime, at a press conference, the victim, his friends and relations reported that justice had triumphed, but that they resented that the authorities would not allow them to strangle the Defendant, which would be none too good for him. The Defendant’s counsel, in a press release, vowed that he would appeal the conviction to the highest court and that he would pursue the case until this terrible injustice had been righted. In another press release the Prosecutor announced that the system had worked and that he would shortly announce himself as a candidate for Governor. The sun then set. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/110 "2001-07-03T10:32:12Z")
And from our legal department: screech-owl has jury duty on the 12th of July, as per the notice delivered in yesterday’s mail. [This post sponsored by the United States Postal Service - “Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor dark or night shall keep us from getting the mail to you whenever we feel like it.”] ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/111 "2001-07-03T10:47:09Z")
Red Hot News Flash from out Hot Stories Department!!! I’ve got ants under my desk. They’re little and black. They must die - I’m none too keen on little things skittering underfoot. Steps will be taken. Call the exterminator, Bob. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/112 "2001-07-03T12:32:30Z")
Back to our main story of the hour: **thinksnow’s** pants have reportedly been spotted in Vegas, wine-ing and dining various showgirls of questionable reputation. The police have stated that Mr. Left flip-flop has not been seen in the pant’s company and questions have begun to arise if Mr. Left flip-flop has left the pants for the carefree embrace of Bob the newscaster. According to Bob’s supervisor, he has not reported into the office in the last few days and phone calls to the E-Z Sleazy Motel, a known hang-out for Bob, have yielded nothing. Mrs. Right flip-flop has sent out an impassioned plea for her husband to return and states that all would be forgiven. More updates as events warrant…back to your regularly scheduled show, _When Lawnmowers Go Bad…Live on Video_ here on Fox. ---
**Author:** ![Gamelan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d07c76/32.png) [@Gamelan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gamelan)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/113 "2001-07-03T13:28:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by thinksnow \* > \*\*Moscow in flames, > Missles headed toward New York. > > Film at 11.\*\* how about… The popcorn your eating has been pissed in… Film at 11 ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/114 "2001-07-03T17:03:23Z")
And now…to our man on the street interview: Thank you, I’m here with Tiffany Doublewide for her thoughts on the alleged kidnapping of Mr. Left Flip Flop. Tiffany takes a drag of her cigarette, sets down her bear, and scratches herself, and says: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN??? WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN??? Back to you at the studio. ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/115 "2001-07-03T17:05:18Z")
It’s a BEER! She does not have a bear to set down, although that would be news! ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/116 "2001-07-03T19:13:47Z")
[Click here](http://www.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou/page-170.htm). 2nd picture. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Spavined\_Gelding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@Spavined\_Gelding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spavined_Gelding)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/117 "2001-07-03T20:06:04Z")
In the Middle East, Israeli tanks shelled Palestinian villages in an attempt to suppress jay walking while a 1958 Crosley car bomb exploded in central TelAviv. Both Israeli and Palestinian spokesmen announced that everything bad that had happened since the fall of the Roman Empire was the other side’s fault. ---
**Author:** ![tevya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@tevya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tevya)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/118 "2001-07-03T22:04:03Z")
In Sports News, famous heavyweight boxer My Dad says that there is no doubt he will win tonight’s match against Your Dad. Your Dad’s manager responded at a press conference, “Nuh-Uh!” ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2001, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/119 "2001-07-03T23:04:40Z")
And now for our warm-n-fuzzy-puppy story - my warm and fuzzy puppy - OK, so she’s a year old dalmatian - had a growth removed from her left hind leg today. She’s still kinda doped up and she’s pretty much been dozing since coming home. The prognosis is good. Back to Bob, you. ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2001, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438/120 "2001-07-04T01:37:15Z")
And now, in late-breaking entertainment news, Christina Aguilera finally admits she’s Dee Snyder in drag…wait a second…Dee Snyder in DRAG?! Isn’t that a bit redundant?! You to back, Bob. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/very-important-news-flash/70438.md?page=7)