# Visit the SDMB Zoo! (animals wanted) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 2, 2001, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549 "2001-03-02T21:46:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/61 "2001-03-03T17:28:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > **decent at the petting soo** This, children, is what happens when you don’t get a proper night’s sleep… ---
**Author:** ![Jet\_Jaguar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jet_jaguar/32/3562_2.png) [@Jet\_Jaguar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jet_Jaguar)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/62 "2001-03-03T17:28:30Z")
Every zoo needs a Jaguar. It’s the largest cat in the Americas, after all. Don’t know how I’d do in a petting zoo. I don’t like being handled a whole lot, and I’m liable to crush someone’s skull if given a chance. ---
**Author:** ![todaystomsawyer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/59ef9b/32.png) [@todaystomsawyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/todaystomsawyer)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/63 "2001-03-03T18:14:42Z")
I don’t like the monkey cage, (I can’t believe they do that to themselves all day, they’re going to pull those things right off!) I think I’ll visit the petting zoo…feelin kinda touchy feely right now after seeing those monkeys… Hey ranger, where do i apply for the assistant’s job? I can shovel crap. (I can sure spread it around) ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/64 "2001-03-03T19:11:51Z")
A tropical hummingbird zips in. Admire my brilliant plumage _sa I ylf sdrawkcab._ Can’t do _that_, Falcon, screech-owl, Duck Dick Goose, Corvus, Tequila Mockingbird, and msrobyn, can ya, hunh? 😛 Hey, where’s brachyrhynchos and Wood Thrush? And before anyone asks, we hum because we can’t remember the words. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/65 "2001-03-03T19:12:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tequila Mockingbird \* > \*\*“Pet pet pet…isn’t anyone into oral sex anymore? Squack” > \*\* ::glances down at sig:: ::whistles innocently:: ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/66 "2001-03-03T19:16:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Colibri \* > \*\* > Can’t do _that_, Falcon, screech-owl, _Duck Dick Goose_, Corvus, Tequila Mockingbird, and msrobyn, can ya, hunh? 😛 > \*\* I’m hoping that was a just typo, and not some sort of strange bird insult. (“Duck dick!” “Emu ass!”) ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/67 "2001-03-03T20:57:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by todaystomsawyer \* > \*\* > > Hey ranger, where do i apply for the assistant’s job? I can shovel crap. (I can sure spread it around) \*\* You’re hired! You’re now the Official SDMB Assistant Zoo Keeper and Sh\*t Shoveler. ---
**Author:** ![DynoSaur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DynoSaur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DynoSaur)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/68 "2001-03-03T21:17:59Z")
Hey, it’s not every zoo that gets to have a real, live DynoSaur. What’s that? No, I had nothing to do with Jurassic Park, I swear… ---
**Author:** ![Spookythecat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@Spookythecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spookythecat)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/69 "2001-03-03T21:51:24Z")
Come see the Amazing Spookythecat! The 9th through 13th wonder of the world! Witness: This Furious Feline try to eat dinner: Without any teeth!! Marvel: As this Marvelous Mammal catnaps… for 2 days straight! Experience: The Wonder as he demands to be let in and out… 30 times in the space of a minute!!! ``` So come one, come all to the Newest, Most Incredible... Wait!! Stay away from the python!! Sigh... ``` ---
**Author:** ![todaystomsawyer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/59ef9b/32.png) [@todaystomsawyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/todaystomsawyer)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/70 "2001-03-03T21:55:43Z")
Cool. I will carry my shovel with pride. I promise to uphold the strictest of crap standards. We have to do something about those damn monkeys, though. They keep throwing their turds at me. Poke one, and they never let you forget it. ---
**Author:** ![Soda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@Soda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soda)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/71 "2001-03-03T22:02:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > \*\*Maybe I could just sell ice cream or something… \*\* You are hired. The pay is $10/hr plus benefits, including dental. You’re gonna need it working here, you can eat all the ice cream you want. I’m a very good boss. Here’s your apron and a nametag. Soda Manager, Zoo Soda Fountain ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/72 "2001-03-03T22:05:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by todaystomsawyer \* > **…We have to do something about those damn monkeys, though. They keep throwing their turds at me…** Just don’t stand underneath the koalas. They’ll pee on you any chance they get. ::hork:: Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/73 "2001-03-03T22:27:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Giraffe \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Colibri \* > > \*\* > > Can’t do _that_, Falcon, screech-owl, _Duck Dick Goose_, Corvus, Tequila Mockingbird, and msrobyn, can ya, hunh? 😛 > > \*\* > > I’m hoping that was a just typo, and not some sort of strange bird insult. (“Duck dick!” “Emu ass!”) \*\* :o So sorry, Duck **Duck**! It was a jsut a tpyo, of cousre. If you want bird insults, how about these: You _Booby!_ You _Tit!_ You . . . you . . ._ **Oxpecker!** _ BTW, I do have in my files the following fascinating article: **McCracken, Kevin G. 2000. The 20-cm Spiny Penis of the Argentine Lake Duck (_Oxyura vittata_). _Auk_ 117:820-825.** Twenty cm of course translates to 8 inches, or approximately half the length of the animal. And man, you do _not_ want to see the illustrations of this thing. ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/74 "2001-03-03T22:34:16Z")
I’ll be the **unicorn**. For reasons that may be obvious to a few of you and not so obvious to the rest. ---
**Author:** ![Spookythecat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@Spookythecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spookythecat)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/75 "2001-03-03T22:49:38Z")
And, of course we need to hire someone to cater to the cats’ every whim, and scratch our tummies on demand. Volunteers? ---
**Author:** ![meek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce73a5/32.png) [@meek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/meek)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/76 "2001-03-03T22:56:25Z")
I’m just here lookin’ for some _tail._ Excuse me, Miss Ranger? Which way to the petting area? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/77 "2001-03-03T23:02:19Z")
We also still need a docent for the petting zoo. The docent is the person who stands there in a crisp uniform that says “SDMS Zoo” on the pocket, and explains facts about the animals to the children, and never never has to make any of the evil children who are feeding candy wrappers to the dairy cow or poking the sheep with a stick stop being evil because she’s only there to do animal demonstrations not be a zoo cop thank you very much it’s their parents job to keep the wretched little monsters under control their parents get it I volunteered for this job even though the pay is literally nonexistent and the hours really suck because I love animals and I love children I really do but sometimes they just drive me up the WALL and I wish it was just me and the animals. you know? ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/78 "2001-03-03T23:13:21Z")
**Colibri** - you forgot “Dickcissel” ::yawn:: ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/79 "2001-03-03T23:30:19Z")
And you forgot loon, screech-owl… Odie stops, scratches his fleas and sniffs his hind quarters before he moves on… ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549/80 "2001-03-03T23:35:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by smug \* > \*\* > Excuse me, Miss Ranger? Which way to the petting area? 😃 \*\* Make a right at the sleeping dragon and then take the left fork at the fountain. Oh, watch out for that Corvous. He’s loose and up to all manner of mischevious, ya know. Then make a left at the unicorn… you have to watch that one. He’s a little twisty. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/visit-the-sdmb-zoo-animals-wanted/56549.md?page=5)