# Vladimir Putin is the head of a global conspiracy to fuck me **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 25, 2003, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390 "2003-06-25T22:57:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ben\_Hicks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbce88/32.png) [@Ben\_Hicks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ben_Hicks)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/1 "2003-06-25T22:57:13Z")
Okay, first things first, a title like that deserves some explanation. It is my belief that Vladimir Putin, in collusion with the KGB, MI6, the Mongolians, the International Union of stupid-assed travel agents (a distinct yet densely populated subset of all travel agents) and possibly the Reverse Vampires, are conspiring against me to fuck me in the ass. The conspiracy is hierarchical and is structured thusly. Vlad the Impeder, is the brains of the operation. He has somehow learned of my plans to visit his Great Nation this Summer and has determined that I must be a threat to National Security or ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/2 "2003-06-25T22:58:32Z")
Fella, put the bong down. ---
**Author:** ![Priam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/77aa72/32.png) [@Priam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Priam)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/3 "2003-06-25T22:58:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ben Hicks \* > \*\*Okay, first things first, a title like that deserves some explanation. > > It is my belief that Vladimir Putin, in collusion with the KGB, MI6, the Mongolians, the International Union of stupid-assed travel agents (a distinct yet densely populated subset of all travel agents) and possibly the Reverse Vampires, are conspiring against me to fuck me in the ass.\*\* _hisses_ Damn! We’ve been found out! Quick everyone! Bury the bodies! ---
**Author:** ![Brutus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Brutus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brutus)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/4 "2003-06-25T22:58:46Z")
Muhahahaha! The Conspiracy gets yets another OP! ---
**Author:** ![Ben\_Hicks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbce88/32.png) [@Ben\_Hicks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ben_Hicks)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/5 "2003-06-25T23:09:27Z")
Aww shit. This is the second time today this board’s malfunctioned on me (or my computer illiteracy has been exposed, depends on how you look at it). I promise, a full OP detailing the specifics of the conspiracy is on its way soon. In the meantime I’ll get the mods to close down this one. And no, I won’t put the bong down. If weed smoke is scrambling my brain, they can’t read my thoughts. Duh! :wally ---
**Author:** ![PatriotX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c4cdca/32.png) [@PatriotX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatriotX)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/6 "2003-06-26T00:49:16Z")
I thought it was gonna be “fuck” in a _good_ way ---
**Author:** ![PatriotX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c4cdca/32.png) [@PatriotX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatriotX)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/7 "2003-06-26T00:50:34Z")
Besides pot smoke doesn’t scramble your thoughts it just ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/8 "2003-06-26T01:16:09Z")
What are you smoking and I can get some? ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/9 "2003-06-26T01:58:10Z")
поздравления, товарищи. наши обученные КГБ хомяки OP-еды делают их работу хорошо! ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/10 "2003-06-26T02:23:29Z")
Well, if you’re going to be screwed by a Russian head of state, at least Putin is cuter than, say, good ol’ Lyonya Brezhnev. Plus he even has two eyebrows! ---
**Author:** ![Ennui](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ennui/32/3396_2.png) [@Ennui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ennui)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/11 "2003-06-26T04:04:34Z")
Well I for one have you beat, Norah Jones, Emma Crosby and Christina Ricci are all involved in a global conspiracy to fuck me. And while I do find all the deception, deceit and Machiavellian scheming something of a turn off (not to mention completely unnecessary) I must say that all in all I am flattered. Just remember, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you. (I hope I hope I hope,…🙂 ---
**Author:** ![jovan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/0ea827/32.png) [@jovan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jovan)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/12 "2003-06-26T10:54:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eva Luna \* > \*\*Well, if you’re going to be screwed by a Russian head of state, at least Putin is cuter than, say, good ol’ Lyonya Brezhnev. Plus he even has two eyebrows! \*\* Putin has eyebrows? ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/13 "2003-06-26T13:59:35Z")
Aww **Ben** , it was much better when you rant was cut off in mid-sentence. It made it seem like they must have kicked in your door and you had to hit submit to get the ‘truth’ out. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/14 "2003-06-26T14:51:58Z")
“Áóäüòå òèõàÿ, Àìåðèêàíñêàÿ øëþõà çàäíèöû! Âû äîëæíû áûòü áëàãîäàðíû, ÷òî ÿ âûáèðàþ Âàñ äëÿ ìîåãî àíàëüíîãî ñåêñóàëüíîãî ðàáà.” - Putin ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/15 "2003-06-26T14:55:14Z")
Áóäüòå òèõàÿ, Àìåðèêàíñêàÿ øëþõà çàäíèöû! Âû äîëæíû áûòü áëàãîäàðíû, ÷òî ÿ âûáèðàþ Âàñ äëÿ ìîåãî àíàëüíîãî ñåêñóàëüíîãî ðàáà. - Putin ---
**Author:** ![grimpixie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@grimpixie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grimpixie)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/16 "2003-06-26T14:55:34Z")
Somehow > [@](#): > > “Áóäüòå òèõàÿ, Àìåðèêàíñêàÿ øëþõà çàäíèöû! Âû äîëæíû áûòü áëàãîäàðíû, ÷òî ÿ âûáèðàþ Âàñ äëÿ ìîåãî àíàëüíîãî ñåêñóàëüíîãî ðàáà.” - Putin doesn’t roll off the tongue in the same way that > [@](#): > > поздравления, товарищи. наши обученные КГБ хомяки OP-еды делают их работу хорошо! does 🙂 Grim ---
**Author:** ![CRorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CRorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CRorex)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/17 "2003-06-26T20:12:46Z")
\ ---
**Author:** ![tramp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@tramp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tramp)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/18 "2003-06-27T00:57:48Z")
Whoa! I thought I was the only one Putin had it out for. ---
**Author:** ![Dissonance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85f322/32.png) [@Dissonance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dissonance)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/19 "2003-06-27T01:28:58Z")
C’mon, Putin’s a whore. I thought everyone knew that. ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390/20 "2003-06-27T02:33:06Z")
> [@](#): > > Somehow > > > [@](#): > > > > “Áóäüòå òèõàÿ, Àìåðèêàíñêàÿ øëþõà çàäíèöû! Âû äîëæíû áûòü áëàãîäàðíû, ÷òî ÿ âûáèðàþ Âàñ äëÿ ìîåãî àíàëüíîãî ñåêñóàëüíîãî ðàáà.” - Putin > > doesn’t roll off the tongue in the same way that > > > [@](#): > > > > поздравления, товарищи. наши обученные КГБ хомяки OP-еды делают их работу хорошо! > > does > > 🙂 Grim Well, Putin never was that fluent in Mordvinian! 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/vladimir-putin-is-the-head-of-a-global-conspiracy-to-fuck-me/184390.md?page=2)