# WANTED: Tutorial in defending yourself against wizards **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 4, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978 "2012-12-04T18:39:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/1 "2012-12-04T18:39:16Z")
Over in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=674406), no less than four wizards have revealed themselves to me and their desire to wrench my precious sofa away from me once I go through great pains and sacrifices to acquire it. I am looking for an individual or even a group of people skilled in the craft of defending yourself against wizards. Multiple years of experience are welcome, but even if you only have beginner-level tips and tricks, I’ll take 'em. The defense need not be purely passive. Sometimes the best defense is a good offense (that is how the saying goes, right?). If you are skilled in any offensive techniques that are highly effective against wizards, your services are also in high demand. Also, I expect my journey to acquire this precious sofa will be wrought with dangers other than the aforementioned wizards. Should anyone be willing to provide personal defense for me during my adventure, contact me as well. Compensation will be discussed on a case-by-case basis suited to experience. Also, when I am successful in acquiring and defending my prize, you will be one of the few allowed to enjoy a good sit upon the fabled sofa. People will ask you for years to come, “Did you actually get to touch or even sit on the sofa?” You will enjoy a guttural laugh and say, “Kid, not only was I allowed to touch it, I was allowed to sleep on it!” And then you’ll procure photographic proof and soon your name and legacy will spread like wildfire. Serious inquiries only and should be kept to private message, lest you reveal yourself to the wizards, for they are watching my every move. We must act quickly! Will you answer the call? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/2 "2012-12-04T18:43:36Z")
Too late. You have revealed your presence to us and now we’re onto you. Your sofa is now safely in our lair. Would you like a receipt for that? ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/3 "2012-12-04T18:50:22Z")
Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just buy a dozen sofas? ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/4 "2012-12-04T18:52:27Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just buy a dozen sofas? I think he’s referring to the One Sofa. > [@tdn](#): > > Too late. You have revealed your presence to us and now we’re onto you. > > Your sofa is now safely in our lair. > > Would you like a receipt for that? All your sofa are belong to us? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/5 "2012-12-04T18:52:38Z")
I read that as “WANTED: Tutorial in defending yourself against wizards covered in bees” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/6 "2012-12-04T18:57:26Z")
They’re 1-13; I’m pretty sure you just have to show up. Wait-- wrong [Wizards](http://www.nba.com/wizards/). ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/7 "2012-12-04T19:17:30Z")
No problems with the defending vs wizards issue you’ve got, but my reward better not be sleeping on that couch - LOOK at the thing! I’d never get that crick out of my spine! ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/8 "2012-12-04T20:03:11Z")
According to Terry Pratchett, wizards (or wizzards) have all the good taste and self restraint of deranged magpies when it comes to The Shiny. So all you have to do is go down to your local dollar store and buy yourself lots of Shiny, and leave it scattered around. I do not fear to reveal this plan in public, as wizards are helpless to resist bright glittering objects, even with the very best of intentions. And you’re in luck. Tis the season to decorate with Shiny. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/9 "2012-12-04T20:18:56Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > wizards are helpless to resist bright glittering objects, even with the very best of intentions. As a wizard, I must object to that mischaracteriza BEADS! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/10 "2012-12-04T20:24:09Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > According to Terry Pratchett, wizards (or wizzards) have all the good taste and self restraint of deranged magpies when it comes to The Shiny. So all you have to do is go down to your local dollar store and buy yourself lots of Shiny, and leave it scattered around. I do not fear to reveal this plan in public, as wizards are helpless to resist bright glittering objects, even with the very best of intentions. > > And you’re in luck. Tis the season to decorate with Shiny. You might be on to something, there. Wizards love the shiny. Love of shiny = ADD. AD&D (Advanced Dungeons and Dragons) is published by… Wizards of the Coast. It comes full circle. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/11 "2012-12-04T20:25:31Z")
Fact 1: Only a wizard can easily defend against or beat a wizard. Fact 2: All wizards are untrustworthy. So you’re probably SOL. I should know, I am a wizard. ---
**Author:** ![Shark\_Sandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Shark\_Sandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shark_Sandwich)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/12 "2012-12-04T20:26:20Z")
I’m not allowed to reveal too much but I can add this: 1 part sofa + 12 parts canned ale + 1 part pizza = 1 spell of lethargy ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/13 "2012-12-04T20:33:19Z")
_That_ sofa can defend itself. It has many multiple transformations only one of which is iterated in the illustration. Fear not. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/14 "2012-12-04T21:09:50Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > As a wizard, I must object to that mischaracteriza BEADS! 😃 Allow me to demonstrate: [http://www.firemountaingems.com/](http://www.firemountaingems.com/) [http://www.firemountaingems.com/swarovski-rhinestones.asp](http://www.firemountaingems.com/swarovski-rhinestones.asp) There. I have successfully enthralled all wizards who have wandered into the thread, because not only can wizards not resist The Shiny, “What is merely a hypothesis to anyone else is an _overwhelming temptation_ to a wizard.” (Barbara Hambly) so wizards cannot resist clicking on links. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/15 "2012-12-04T21:18:17Z")
pretty ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/16 "2012-12-04T21:28:28Z")
Wizards are pretty powerful, but they don’t have too many hit points. And they wear crappy armor. So you need to bash them a few times. Since they are likely to be able to teleport and move around - or hold you in place, its best to bring a couple of people to do the bashing so you can corner them and maybe a few projectile weapons. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/17 "2012-12-04T22:57:11Z")
The main weapon against wizards is SURPRISE! Surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to penetrating through their head or chest with a piece of metal. Amongst the main weapons against wizards are such diverse elements as… Brief answer: if they’re prepared, you’re screwed. If you shoot or stab them in the back when they’re not expecting it, they’re screwed. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/18 "2012-12-05T00:29:18Z")
Not many humanoid life forms can withstand the mighty 12-Gauge loaded with buckshot, I can’t see how the typical Magic-User would be any different… Of course, you _could_ just nuke them from orbit… ---
**Author:** ![Rubixcube](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Rubixcube](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubixcube)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/19 "2012-12-05T01:24:04Z")
From my reading of Conan stories. 1. Keep a stunning and mostly naked woman near you at all times. Wizards seem unable to pick up chicks, and their efforts to capture yours may give you sufficient time to prepare and react. Plus you might get some if you somehow manage to both survive and rescue her. 2. Wizards are cheap, they tend to employ guards and servants who are either totally incompetent or are constantly plotting grisly revenge against their master, use this to your advantage. 3. Wizards like to keep large monsters and dangerous labyrinths on their premises. Often they will lock you up in there as a method of execution. Assuming your limbs have been hardened by the grim lands of Cimmeria you should have little difficulty escaping your shackles, slaying the eldritch abominations within, and finding the exit, often leading to the inner sanctum against all logic. 4. On direct confrontation wizards often have some difficulty in using their immense magical abilities on you. Likely because they are distracted by your shimmering pecs. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/20 "2012-12-05T01:48:34Z")
It depends, if the wizard’s mum loved him there is really very little you can do. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978.md?page=2)