# WANTED: Tutorial in defending yourself against wizards **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 4, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978 "2012-12-04T18:39:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/21 "2012-12-05T02:28:15Z")
“No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.” - Jhereg proverb ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/22 "2012-12-05T03:06:41Z")
No worries. I’m here. I’m a witch. And that sofa is totally mine the second it’s built (and I save up a likely astounding amount of money.) ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/23 "2012-12-05T03:08:38Z")
It depends on their age, but if they are young enough, try shouting “abracadabra” at them while pelting them with a pie. When the pie hits them, they’ll think they are dead. ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/24 "2012-12-05T04:07:51Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > “No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.” - Jhereg proverb \*\*DAMN \*\*you! I came in to this thread to post that very quote. \ ---
**Author:** ![Postariti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Postariti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Postariti)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/25 "2012-12-05T08:30:40Z")
Wizards? Why are you worried about wizards? You need to do something about those bees you’re covered in: [http://fafblog.blogspot.com/2008/05/in-case-of-emergency.html](http://fafblog.blogspot.com/2008/05/in-case-of-emergency.html) ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2012, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/26 "2012-12-05T09:25:14Z")
> [@MacTech](#): > > Not many humanoid life forms can withstand the mighty 12-Gauge loaded with buckshot, I can’t see how the typical Magic-User would be any different… > > Of course, you _could_ just nuke them from orbit… A fifth level magic user has access to the spell Protection from Normal Missiles. Buckshot falls into the category of normal missiles. Nukes, on the other hand, don’t, but if you use nukes then it’s kind of hard to find loot afterwards. Using a Detect Magic spell or item is useless…EVERYTHING is glowing! ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/27 "2012-12-06T19:53:18Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just buy a dozen sofas? What?! This sofa is only fabled to exist and you want me to just run out and buy twelve? I think not! We barely even have photographic evidence of its existence. You sir, are not cut out for the adventurer lifestyle. You may stay in your little ho-hum miscellaneous item shot, but I’ve got great things in store for me. Taking down wizards and acquiring rare and unique items from across the land! ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/28 "2012-12-06T20:11:26Z")
As a Wizard, I take umbrage at the very idea that you would need to defend yourself against us or find reason to hunt us down. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/29 "2012-12-06T21:18:08Z")
Yeah, yeah, that’s what all the wizards say. I’ve never had to track down a wizard. I just use my trusty old Wizard Summoning 101, which consists of one pan of lasagna. Gets 'em every time. Also works well on DMs. ---
**Author:** ![Frodo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frodo/32/302_2.png) [@Frodo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frodo)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/30 "2012-12-06T21:35:43Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > “No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.” - Jhereg proverb “If he can’t breathe, he can’t cast spells” - Dwarven proverb. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/31 "2012-12-06T21:48:39Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > According to Terry Pratchett, wizards (or wizzards) have all the good taste and self restraint of deranged magpies when it comes to The Shiny. So all you have to do is go down to your local dollar store and buy yourself lots of Shiny, and leave it scattered around. . . . I believe that TP also mentions a tendency to move toward strong drink and good food. Perhaps positioning a bar or buffet nearby would at least delay them. As for a permanent defence, let me check my notes. No. Not that. That wouldn’t work at all. No. **sigh** Well, it appears that I have no tutorials on defence against wizards. If you should find that you have a need for safety procedures pertaining to wizardly research, though, I have a few [pamphlets](http://athousandbeginningsnano.blogspot.com/2011/11/magic-safety-procedures.html). I can hook you right up. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978/32 "2012-12-06T22:11:51Z")
Three couches for the Admins on the SDMB Seven for the lurkers in their hidden ID’s Nine for trolls doomed to be banned, And one sofa for the Bee Lord covered in drones. One sofa to rule them all One sofa to lounge on One sofa to host all guests And in the night time sleep on Something wrong with the scansion, but poetry is not my strong suit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wanted-tutorial-in-defending-yourself-against-wizards/642978.md?page=1)