# Warnings that products should have but don’t. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 17, 2006, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764 "2006-10-17T12:46:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/61 "2006-10-19T10:52:17Z")
[QUOTE=Raguleader] You… don’t like Hershey’s chocolate? You realize, the War of 1812 was fought over lesser insults than this! 😃 [/QUOTE] And you know [who won that one](http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mwar1812.htm)…[sup]\*[/sup] [sub]\*In the sense of continuing to exist, that is.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![shizaru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@shizaru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shizaru)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/62 "2006-10-19T11:31:12Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] **Grape-Nuts Cereal:** Do not try to pour the same size bowl of this that you do of your usual cereal. You won’t finish it, and if you do, you won’t shit for a week. [/QUOTE] Oh, man…that made me laugh. 'Cuz I’ve been through that. **Budweiser Select-** -Yes, this is the shit that wasn’t good enough to be called regular budweiser. It will taste like it was brewed in a yak’s ass. Do not drink if you have hemorrhoids…you’ll be sorry in the morning. **Any of the Oktoberfest beers I drank in the Munich Oktoberfest** - Warning: You will be ridiculously drunk after one. Don’t expect to be functioning for at least 36 hours after you wake up. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/63 "2006-10-19T14:04:30Z")
Shouldn’t that just be the general warning label on Oktoberfests, period, **shizaru**? Speaking of which, all you upper Eastern Dopers should go check out the Oktoberfest in Kitchener/Waterloo area of Ontario - apparently, the biggest Oktoberfest outside of Germany (Kitchener’s original name was Berlin. Got changed during WWII for some reason.) You can get some decent Canadian chocolate while you’re there. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![shizaru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@shizaru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shizaru)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/64 "2006-10-19T14:44:05Z")
[QUOTE=featherlou] Shouldn’t that just be the general warning label on Oktoberfests, period, **shizaru**? Yeah, you’re right. I even took my wife and two of her female friends to the Canstatter Volksfest in Stuttgart a week after Oktoberfest. That should come with the warning that its not as much fun as it seems to be with three supremely drunken women, and even if you’re married to one of ‘em, you ain’t gettin’ laid after they indulge in a few liters of German Brewing Goodness. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/65 "2006-10-19T16:21:13Z")
My ISP: Warning: Service will be withdrawn without warning when you are two days away from finishing a major contract. When it comes back online four days later, you will no longer be able to access any secured site. ---
**Author:** ![Runestar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@Runestar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runestar)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/66 "2006-10-19T18:29:26Z")
On all home improvement books, videos, and television shows: **Warning** Do not attempt any of the projects you see here. All of the projects illustrated here assume best-possible-case scenarios, and are performed by people who know what they’re doing. Attempting to follow the steps shown will result in incredible frustration, vast expenditure of time and money, and possible loss of blood and/or body parts. Unlike the homes shown, [i[your\* particular dwelling will turn out to have one or more of the following: (1) Framing designed and installed by Salvidor Dali. (2) Walls that are not perpendicular or parallel to any other wall in your house. (3) An electrical system that does **not** consist of white, black and ground wires, but instead is composed of wires in various shades of dirty grey, none of which are identifiable. (4) Plumbing that is almost, but not quite, equal to what the ancient Romans enjoyed. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/67 "2006-10-19T19:56:03Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] On the subject of pants, for those baggy-ass jeans the kids (who should get the hell off my lawn) are wearing: Warning: These pants will give you the appearance of being in dire need of a diaper change resulting in a net effect of people pointing and laughing – upwind and at a safe distance. [/QUOTE] Side note to prove this- Chatting with some friends on their porch, a kid walked by us with his pants down past his boxers. We just stared as he walked past. And stared, and stared… About 5 yards later, the lasers must’ve entered his brain. He looked -terminally- embarrassed, and pulled his pants up to his waist. We toasted our social experiment’s success. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/68 "2006-10-19T22:02:57Z")
[QUOTE=Raguleader] You… don’t like Hershey’s chocolate? You realize, the War of 1812 was fought over lesser insults than this! 😃 [/QUOTE] You think it’s _good?_ I demand you eat some British chocolate! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2006, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/69 "2006-10-19T22:36:34Z")
[QUOTE=Runestar] \Unlike the homes shown, [i[your\* particular dwelling will turn out to have one or more of the following: (1) Framing designed and installed by Salvidor Dali. (2) Walls that are not perpendicular or parallel to any other wall in your house.\ [/QUOTE] Hah! We’ve got this effect going on in what we assume was a DIY project of previous owners in the basement (at least, we hope they didn’t pay good money for it). We call it the Dr. Seuss walls, ourselves, but Salvador Dali also would apply. I want [Mike Holmes](http://www.holmesonhomes.com/) to do all my renos. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/70 "2006-10-20T01:37:37Z")
[QUOTE=AngelicGemma] You think it’s _good?_ I demand you eat some British chocolate! [/QUOTE] Hey, Hershey’s Kisses are what I grew up on. Some people seem to think that Spam is good too, but I shy away from it. I tried a German chocolate somethingorother once, decided that, while it was indeed better than the American stuff, it just wasn’t worth the extra cost to me (While one German chocolate may be better than 10 Hershey’s bars, 11 Hersheys bars are always a better value. And you can ALWAYS buy 11 Hershey’s bars! 😃 ) ---
**Author:** ![Quint](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/76d3ee/32.png) [@Quint](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quint)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/71 "2006-10-20T05:37:07Z")
Play Doh- Not compatible with carpeting. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/72 "2006-10-20T23:37:04Z")
[QUOTE=dwc1970] On more than one occasion I have seen guys take their car keys and insert them into their ears to clean out the wax. This just squicks me out. [/QUOTE] 🙂 I knew a guy who did that daily. He looked like he was trying to restart his brain. 😃 The Weather Channel: You may be hoping to see when the big storm is getting near to you, but that’s when the lightning will hit the cable office, and you won’t see anything. Crabgrass Killer: Wear tattered socks and your worst pair of shoes while applying this product. They will be permanently yellow. Massengill Douche Powder: This product is somewhat useful for soaking your feet. It is otherwise useless. Hummer H2: Under the skin, this vehicle is a Chevy Suburban, though it is roughly twice as costly and much less roomy than a Suburban. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2006, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/73 "2006-10-21T00:25:27Z")
[QUOTE=AskNott] 🙂 I knew a guy who did that daily. He looked like he was trying to restart his brain. 😃 The Weather Channel: You may be hoping to see when the big storm is getting near to you, but that’s when the lightning will hit the cable office, and you won’t see anything. Crabgrass Killer: Wear tattered socks and your worst pair of shoes while applying this product. They will be permanently yellow. Massengill Douche Powder: This product is somewhat useful for soaking your feet. It is otherwise useless. Hummer H2: Under the skin, this vehicle is a Chevy Suburban, though it is roughly twice as costly and much less roomy than a Suburban. [/QUOTE] Did he use the same key to pick his nose, or a different one? He must have gotten a lot of ear colds otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Malienation](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Malienation](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malienation)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2006, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/74 "2006-10-21T02:18:09Z")
[QUOTE=Ethilrist] Warning: Captain Crunch, although not nutritious at all, will _fuck_ the roof of your mouth _up._ Especially if you have a second bowl. [/QUOTE] Holy shit, I thought it was just me with that problem! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2006, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/75 "2006-10-21T02:36:24Z")
Cooking appliances. Do not attempt use when intoxicated unless you’d like a dozen police and firemen to kick in your door and laugh at your stupid ass for burning your 0330 snack when you fell asleep on the couch. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2006, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/76 "2006-10-21T02:51:57Z")
**Pixie Stix** - Do NOT try to _inhale_ contents into the mouth! **Bic lighter** - Do NOT use to check fuel level! **Ben Gay** - Men: Wash hands throughly after use and before urinating! ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2006, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764/77 "2006-10-21T03:13:28Z")
[QUOTE=ArrMatey!] Side note to prove this- Chatting with some friends on their porch, a kid walked by us with his pants down past his boxers. We just stared as he walked past. And stared, and stared… About 5 yards later, the lasers must’ve entered his brain. He looked -terminally- embarrassed, and pulled his pants up to his waist. We toasted our social experiment’s success. 🙂 [/QUOTE] I _so_ wish that would work here. Unfortunately they’re absolutely _everywhere_ around here. Walk ten minutes in any direction and you’ll pass several dozen kids looking and walking like their asses are sloughing off. While we’re at it though, on the ball caps and shirts these same kids wear: WARNING: Remember when you were a kid and the other kids would laugh at you when you came into school wearing clothing whose manufacturing stickers and/or tags you forgot to remove? That hasn’t changed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/warnings-that-products-should-have-but-don-t/376764.md?page=3)