# Was I a jerk in this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 6, 2010, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379 "2010-08-06T07:09:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/41 "2010-08-06T13:57:13Z")
My assumption while on business trips is that my time is not usually my own. Therefore I feel an obligation to be sociable with colleagues even when I would rather read a book. It’s part of the job. “I’d rather read a book than talk to you” is not a message that can be tactufully communicated, except in very special circumstances. It kinda sucks, I understand. I don’t do conversation in the morning either, but unfortunately if you want privacy to read you would have to go somewhere where your colleagues won’t see you. YMMV. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/42 "2010-08-06T14:01:51Z")
But that IS their own time. That is the one day they have been given off. It’s dictated by the higher ups. It’s not as though he’s just going on a business trip and this is one of the days, this is one of the assigned day-offs. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/43 "2010-08-06T14:02:52Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > ETA: But PunditLisa, he’s not even a friend. OP’s never going to see him again. And how is it not rude for the other guy to come over and interrupt his book reading? I used “friend” to distinguish from “complete stranger.” Perhaps “acquaintance” would have been a better word. In any event, I try to resist the impulse to meet rudeness with more rudeness. ---
**Author:** ![Desert\_Nomad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desert_nomad/32/177_2.png) [@Desert\_Nomad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Desert_Nomad)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/44 "2010-08-06T14:08:17Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > Because the driver also has this one day off, we are largely trapped on the hotel grounds for our day off. Is this a requirement of your organization? I’ll assume you are staying at the Sheraton, Taj or Burj Salam if you are in Sana’a. At least at the latter two they are walking distance to the old city and you can at least get out and wander a bit. What is the security situation like there now? A couple years ago when I was there most of the country was fine, but now that might be restricted to Sana’a. I would think with a job like that, you’d want to get out a bit. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/45 "2010-08-06T14:17:19Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > I suspect that a lot of people see a person reading a book and think they are doing that person a favor by engaging in chit-chat. I assure you that you never are brightening someone’s day, but rather burdening them with your company. Now that you have been told, you have no excuse. Didn’t get the responses you were expecting, huh? ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/46 "2010-08-06T14:19:04Z")
I am not staying at any of the places you mention and I don’t want to say where I am staying becuase there is just too much personal info about myself on this board. I like to maintain at least a fig leaf of deniability.Security is a concern for us because of the nature of our work and our freedom of movement is somewhat artificially limited, but the city itself is fine. In general, if one of us wants to go out and do something social, we have to use a project vehicle which means you are obligated to ask if anyone wants to tag along. The only way to really have some time to yourself is dinner in your room (the dreaded club sandwich or soggy ceasar salad). ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/47 "2010-08-06T14:20:04Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > > [@madmonk28](#): > > > > I suspect that a lot of people see a person reading a book and think they are doing that person a favor by engaging in chit-chat. I assure you that you never are brightening someone’s day, but rather burdening them with your company. Now that you have been told, you have no excuse. > > Didn’t get the responses you were expecting, huh? No, I did. I got some people who agreed, some who disagreed and then the HPCF pileon. It’s not my first day on SDMB. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/48 "2010-08-06T14:21:03Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > > [@madmonk28](#): > > > > I suspect that a lot of people see a person reading a book and think they are doing that person a favor by engaging in chit-chat. I assure you that you never are brightening someone’s day, but rather burdening them with your company. Now that you have been told, you have no excuse. > > Didn’t get the responses you were expecting, huh? Why so snippy? I agree with him 100% in this. If you see someone reading, you are not doing a favor by going over and talking to them. ---
**Author:** ![Desert\_Nomad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desert_nomad/32/177_2.png) [@Desert\_Nomad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Desert_Nomad)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/49 "2010-08-06T14:29:14Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > I am not staying at any of the places you mention and I don’t want to say where I am staying becuase there is just too much personal info about myself on this board. I like to maintain at least a fig leaf of deniability.Security is a concern for us because of the nature of our work and our freedom of movement is somewhat artificially limited, but the city itself is fine. In general, if one of us wants to go out and do something social, we have to use a project vehicle which means you are obligated to ask if anyone wants to tag along. The only way to really have some time to yourself is dinner in your room (the dreaded club sandwich or soggy ceasar salad). In that case, I would definitely try to get some time alone. I think if one was reading a newspaper, I might sit down and try to chat, but a book seems like it is a more planned reading activity and I would sit elsewhere. Have fun in Yemen - one of my favorite places. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/50 "2010-08-06T14:30:32Z")
I understand the OPs point, but there may be professional blow-back down the road. I know the OP says he’ll never see this person again, but rarely are our professional fields so vast that that you’ll never interact with him or with someone he knows who might ask his opinion of the OP because they’ll be working with the OP in future. Its the OPs call, as its spilt milk now, but the OP might consider some interaction or explanation before the end of the assignment just to maintain professional courtesy. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/51 "2010-08-06T14:31:21Z")
> [@Mops](#): > > The basic misunderstanding between extroverts and introverts - extros as a rule don’t just get that intros might _prefer_ to have time alone with themselves. And intros, as a rule, don’t just get that extros might _prefer_ to be with others and perhaps think others feel the same way, too. And I say that as an introvert. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/52 "2010-08-06T14:33:38Z")
Yes, you were rude. You treated a real, live human being like total shit so you could continue reading a book you could pick up any time. I’d think you were an utter waste of time, were I the other guy. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/53 "2010-08-06T14:54:23Z")
Really, like total shit? I said good morning when he said good morning and then I said something like, “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to keep reading.” That’s treating someone like total shit in your book? These threads always escalate like this, it goes from I think you were a little rude, to I treated a fellow human being like total shit. I have to tell you, if you think that is treating someone like total shit, stay off the DC Metro, it will blow your mind. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/54 "2010-08-06T15:04:59Z")
You were both wrong. He should have asked if you minded him sitting with you; but he was probably just trying to be friendly. He had good intentions, although he was a little clueless. You were deliberately rude, and could not spare ten minutes away from your book to talk to another person; and instead, you deliberately made him feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. It wouldn’t have killed you to be nice. Yes you were a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/55 "2010-08-06T15:06:13Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > Yes, you were rude. You treated a real, live human being like total shit so you could continue reading a book you could pick up any time. I’d think you were an utter waste of time, were I the other guy. Oh come on! Is the coworker such a delicate flower that a less than subtle hint is going to damage his self esteem or something? Dude gets one day off a week and is forced to spend every waking hour with Mr. Breakfast Crasher. I’d get pretty sick of that too. It’s not the OP’s fault that the guy didn’t take the hint and sit somewhere else. And anyone who would let that one interaction influence some future job is petty beyond belief. OP, I totally see where you’re coming from. I’d probably try to catch up with the guy later and explain, if only to make sure no feathers are ruffled. But I think only a total dipshit wouldn’t understand and make sure to give you your space in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/56 "2010-08-06T15:10:38Z")
Oh please, you did nothing wrong. Other guy needs to learn some boundaries. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/57 "2010-08-06T15:17:48Z")
I think you were both kind of rude, but neither of you was a total jerk. If I saw someone with their nose in book, sitting alone at breakfast, I would not sit down at their table unless there was no place else to sit. I would also not expect them to engage in conversation. If it were me with the book and someone just sat down, I would probably put my book down, make some small talk to be polite, but finish my breakfast and excuse myself when I was done and then go enjoy my book elsewhere. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/58 "2010-08-06T15:18:51Z")
I think if someone said to me, “…I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to keep reading” it implies that you may _not_ have said that if I’d been someone else. Maybe that’s the part that seems rude: like your internal process was ‘companionable person?- does not compute.’ I guess the way it comes across **madmonk** is that it’s not that the _book_ is so interesting - it’s that you (intruder!) are definitely _not_. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/59 "2010-08-06T15:21:06Z")
As you can tell, I have nothing to do today but sit in my room and surf the net. To be honest, I think this is a much bigger deal on the dope than it was in real life for either of us. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I sincerely wanted to read my book, I admit that I didn’t go out of my way to be friendly either. I was aware that he probably wanted some chit chat, but kept reading. There was some very small chit chat along the lines of “I emailed yout that document last night, yeah I was working on the spreadsheet until two am” then back to my book. Some people are really comfortable in that situation, you can both just hang and read and not talk and it’s fine, we didn’t have that vibe today. But he’s an experienced 50+ year old professional, I doubt he’s locked in his room crying his eyes out. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/60 "2010-08-06T15:27:38Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > Again it seems to break down that some people feel his desire to make small talk trumps my desire to sit and read a book. By making small talk and putting the book down, it means I will not have the opportunity to enjoy my breakfast and book again for another week and if, on my next day off (only one a week) he or someone else decides they want to talk, it once again trumps my desire to sit and read a book at breakfast. Wait - I’m confused - you said you had the entire day off. You spending 15 minutes making small talk with your coworker so he doesn’t feel humiliated by wrongly thinking you would grant him that courtesy now somehow means that you can’t read your book for rest of the day?? That seems like a bit of a stretch, particularly since you said you’re in your room right now surfing the SDMB. Why don’t you read your book now? Or is it that you just really don’t like this guy and want an excuse to think he’s a douche when both of you were actually a bit douchey? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379.md?page=4)