# Was I a jerk in this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 6, 2010, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379 "2010-08-06T07:09:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/81 "2010-08-06T16:53:51Z")
In college, it was convenient to be able to blow people off by saying, “sorry, but I really have to finish this book for a class right now,” (and sometimes that was even true). Of course, that can sound a little dubious if you’re reading _World War Z_, or something, or if you’re no longer in college. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/82 "2010-08-06T16:53:53Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > [And I can tell you, if I ever brought a book to the table, it would have been smacked out of my hands followed by a long lecture about respecting the food and respecting the table and for ‘God’s sake you weren’t born in a barn!!’ Good God **alice** - all that and you left the bloody door open _as well_?!? Waddidya take the place for - a fucking 24-hour-room-service _hotel_? You had it easy. In my house it’d be the terrifying, “Darling, please - you know the rules. No reading at the dinner table. It’s uncouth.” ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/83 "2010-08-06T16:57:09Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > > [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > > > the book was _fucking_ rude. It didn’t even say “Good morning.” > > It [might](http://www.amazon.com/Good-Morning-Positive-Ways-Start/dp/1402212240/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1281113262&sr=8-1) have… Now _there’s_ a book that should be smacked out of its _own_ hands and slammed shut like itself. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/84 "2010-08-06T16:57:58Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > > [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > > > Oh no **alice** - you weren’t alone. Evil Thoughts and Grit Determination were surely your company. > > Not because the man is a coworker and he’s on a work trip and he has an obligation to his company or whatever. More because the man is a human being and taking 15 minutes to be kind to a fellow human even though you would rather be doing something else just seems like a proper way to behave. I’m afraid I’ll have to agree with this as well. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/85 "2010-08-06T16:57:59Z")
> [@](#): > > If you’ve ever spent weeks and weeks in a hotel room, then you know that sometimes it’s nice to get out of the room and sit somewhere else. This room is especially dark, even during the day with all the lights on. I like to read at meals, especially at breakfast. I don’t like to talk to people in the morning, regardless of the person (especially before I have had coffee). Six days a week, I suck it up and participate in morning meetings at breakfast and engage in work talk and small talk. As far as I can tell, I don’t have particularly strong feelings one way or the other about the colleague. Basically, on my day off I want to spend my time my way. And again, it’s boundaries. Nobody gets to decide where another person draws his/her boundaries. If one person does not like to be hugged and kissed, then nobody else has the right to overrule that person’s wishes to be untouched. If someone wishes to spend his TIME OFF reading instead of being forced into a group that MUST socialize damn near constantly for six days a week, that sounds nearly like a mental health issue. I like socializing, but I also enjoy my alone time, and I need some of both. I advise the OP to take a two seater table, and move that extra chair away from it next time. Or say that you’re expecting someone to join you momentarily. Do whatever you need to do. Frankly, if the Clueless Coworker is so lacking in social skills, I am not sure that he’s a good fit for the job of social aid worker. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/86 "2010-08-06T16:59:58Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I’m from a family of nerds and bookworms. Everybody read at the table. _Ah. The sound of chewing, clinking and voracious bookworms. Nerdvana._ ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/87 "2010-08-06T17:00:39Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > But this guy is almost a stranger to you, and you have very little in the way of social obligations towards him. People in _societies_ always have social obligations toward each other, even if they are entirely strangers to one another. > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > This area was a communal one to be shared by all the team workers, right? A hotel dining room! I suppose I could think of some places less suitable for alone time, but not without effort. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/88 "2010-08-06T17:00:45Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > What would you have done in my position? It was rude of him to assume you wanted company, especially when you were obviously occupied. He should have asked if you minded if he sat down; you then could have politely told him (as you did) that you were planning to read through breakfast. Then, it would be his own damn fault for choosing to sit there anyway instead of finding someone who wanted to chat. Would it have been \*nice \*of you to put down your book and talk? Sure. But it \*wasn’t \*rude not to–and it \*was \*rude of him to impose when you clearly weren’t interested in company. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/89 "2010-08-06T17:02:37Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Frankly, if the Clueless Coworker is so lacking in social skills, I am not sure that he’s a good fit for the job of social aid worker. Oh **Lynn Bodoni**! He might have been a social, social aid worker. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/90 "2010-08-06T17:05:30Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > > [@madmonk28](#): > > > > What would you have done in my position? > > It was rude of him to assume you wanted company, especially when you were obviously occupied. He should have asked if you minded if he sat down; you then could have politely told him (as you did) that you were planning to read through breakfast. Then, it would be his own damn fault for choosing to sit there anyway instead of finding someone who wanted to chat. > > Would it have been \*nice \*of you to put down your book and talk? Sure. But it \*wasn’t \*rude not to–and it \*was \*rude of him to impose when you clearly weren’t interested in company. Sure it was. It’s entirely possible for both things to be rude. Sitting down at breakfast was a mild faux pas. Blatantly ignoring the guy was out-and-out rude, warning or no. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/91 "2010-08-06T17:09:23Z")
Personally, I don’t think you’re a jerk because I myself would much rather read than engage with 99% of the people I know and usually do, with no intention of rudeness or making the other person feel rejected. Empirically, I think we should all be careful who we ignore in this fashion because it can very often be considered a personal rejection or very rude. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/92 "2010-08-06T17:10:31Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > > [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > > > But this guy is almost a stranger to you, and you have very little in the way of social obligations towards him. > > People in _societies_ always have social obligations toward each other, even if they are entirely strangers to one another. And one of those obligations is to ASK if one is intruding. And if one is informed that one IS intruding, then one goes away, one does NOT keep on intruding simply because one is bored. The OP greeted the coworker and said that he wanted to spend his time reading. The coworker ignored this. Seems to me that the coworker failed to meet his obligations moreso than the OP did. > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > This area was a communal one to be shared by all the team workers, right? > [@](#): > > A hotel dining room! I suppose I could think of some places less suitable for alone time, but not without effort. The OP had exactly one place to get breakfast, if I’m reading things right. Do you think that he should have just skipped breakfast, then? Or should he have carried his breakfast up into his room? Is he obliged to ALWAYS let other people violate his boundaries? What if the coworker was feeling especially lonely, and wanted some cuddles? What if he was horny, and wanted more than cuddles? Who gets to draw the line, and where? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/93 "2010-08-06T17:13:39Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > The OP had exactly one place to get breakfast, if I’m reading things right. Do you think that he should have just skipped breakfast, then? Or should he have carried his breakfast up into his room? Is he obliged to ALWAYS let other people violate his boundaries? What if the coworker was feeling especially lonely, and wanted some cuddles? What if he was horny, and wanted more than cuddles? Who gets to draw the line, and where? Oh for God’s sake, **Lynn**. You know I like ya, and you KNOW I’m prone to my own use of hyperbole, but this is no slippery slope. It’s a mild social short-circuit over breakfast. Let’s not make it quite such a Federal case. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/94 "2010-08-06T17:17:29Z")
I see nothing remotely rude in the OP’s behavior. It’s not like he told the guy to piss off, or ignored him completely. He politely acknowledged a coworker, then went back to what he was doing. That’s not treating him like shit or otherwise insulting him. Now, if the guy had clearly been in some distress, or had said (in a polite way) that he really wanted or needed to talk to someone, it would be a bit different. I’m not sure what circumstance would result in him needing to talk to a casual acquaintance that badly, but if something did, it would be up to him to make that clear. If he’s just so desperately needy that he can’t handle eating breakfast alone after spending 13 hours a day with other people for 6 days , he probably needs more help than anyone could supply over breakfast. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/95 "2010-08-06T17:20:49Z")
I understand the desire for alone-time with a book, but 15 minutes of chit-chat with a co-worker isn’t going to kill you. Yes, it was rude of him to interrupt your reading - for the record I hate it when people assume reading=boredom - but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to be rude back. I don’t even understand why the OP posted this when it’s obvious he’s already made up his mind about the whole situation. SOP for the Dope I suppose. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/96 "2010-08-06T17:22:45Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > If he’s just so desperately needy that he can’t handle eating breakfast alone after spending 13 hours a day with other people for 6 days , he probably needs more help than anyone could supply over breakfast. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: Good grief. Perhaps he was just being friendish. Nice to know that acknowledging your coworkers out of work times means that you’re desperately needy with some sort of psychiatric intervention required. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/97 "2010-08-06T17:22:54Z")
I don’t think you did anything wrong and would likely have done something similar. If you put your book down every time someone wanted to join you for a meal, you’d never get to do something you enjoy on your one day off. It’s not your responsibility to entertain your coworkers on their day off. I think a reasonable person who is told “Good morning! Hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to keep reading my book.” would think you’d just treated them like “total shit”. This whole “freak the fuck out on someone posting something pretty mundane” thing is something I’ve come to dread on the SDMB. It has stopped me, and I imagine countless others, from asking questions or telling anecdotes or looking for a bit of advice. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/98 "2010-08-06T17:24:17Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > Let’s not make it quite such a Federal case. Especially not at the breakfast table. For God’s sake, there’s no place for one book; let alone a whole Federal book case. ---
**Author:** ![Meyer6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@Meyer6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meyer6)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/99 "2010-08-06T17:24:56Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > I suspect that a lot of people see a person reading a book and think they are doing that person a favor by engaging in chit-chat. I assure you that you never are brightening someone’s day, but rather burdening them with your company. Now that you have been told, you have no excuse. The problem is that this isn’t a hard and fast rule. Sue, some people love to read while they eat. But other people just read to pass the time until they go back to their room/out/etc. I really don’t think everyone reads a book thinking “Oh God, I hope nobody tries to speak to me while I’m doing this”. I know nobody on the SDMB is going to admit to reading fluffy literature just to fill time, but I assure you it happens. Having said that, he was kind of rude to assume you wanted his company, but you were also kind of rude to keep reading. The message to him may well have been “I’d rather do anything else than talk to you” rather than “I’d rather read this book than do anything else”. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/100 "2010-08-06T17:27:51Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > ..acknowledging your coworkers out of work times means that you’re desperately needy with some sort of psychiatric intervention required. I think that was the book **madmonk** was reading, **alice**. So no wonder the co-worker so desperately wanted to talk.. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379.md?page=6)