# Was I a jerk in this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 6, 2010, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379 "2010-08-06T07:09:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/121 "2010-08-06T18:27:37Z")
Yes, **Shot From Guns** it _is_ rude to not answer a question you have no intention of answering by not answering. All you have to say is that it’s a question you’re not going to answer. And how rude is **madmonk**? Here we all are, chatting away and he’s fucked off to read a book. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/122 "2010-08-06T18:28:09Z")
> [@](#): > > But since you asked, it was obviously on your mind. Frankly if it were me, next time I saw said co-worker I’d probably offer a minor apology for any perceived rudeness, but with an explanation about how you really feel the need to get some space from the claustrophobia of the job on your day off. Just make sure they know it wasn’t personal per se. Just what in the hell do you think you’re trying to do here, **Tamerlane**? I’m trying to be all passive/aggressive over here, and you have to drop a steaming load of reasonableness in the thread. How rude. ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/123 "2010-08-06T18:31:41Z")
I’m faced with the same situation every day at work. When I go eat my lunch, I don’t want to speak to anyone. I’m reading the newspaper, trying to do the crossword puzzle (which I am still pathetic at solving), or reading a book. I have to go out of my way to find places where I won’t run into co-workers. When I sit in the common lunch area in the office, I sit facing the wall instead of near the window where I would prefer so that there is less chance that people will join me. However, when people see me reading and sit at my table (either in the office, or outside at one of the nearby restaurants), I’ll stop reading and talk to them. If people ask me “Can I join you”, I’ll stop reading and say “sure”. In my mind, that is the polite behaviour. Most people that do this are trying to be friendly. The general assumption in society today is that people need other people, and that someone who is alone will want company. I think this is biologically determined because _Homo sapiens_ evolved as a social animal. If we were tigers then ity would be different and you could eat in piece. It’s just something you have to live with. If you want to tell the person “no, go sit somewhere else”, or “no, I don’t want to talk to you”, then you have to be aware that many people will think it’s rude. I don’t think it’s a great crime but you’ll have to live with the fact that there’s a good chance you will offend the other person. To the OP: I won’t say you are being a jerk, but you are engaging in behaviour that many people will think is rude. If you’re willing to live with that, that’s fine. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/124 "2010-08-06T18:34:12Z")
**Doubly** rude, **Ogre** since I suggested what Tamerlane so articulately states I-don’t-know _how_ many puppets ago… ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/125 "2010-08-06T18:36:19Z")
This thread should be a book on book rudeness. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/126 "2010-08-06T18:38:47Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > **Doubly** rude, **Ogre** since I suggested what Tamerlane so articulately states I-don’t-know _how_ many puppets ago.. Yeah, but you’re a rude jerkface, so you don’t count. Now go away. I’m trying to read. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/127 "2010-08-06T18:41:17Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Whatever answer is “right” depends on the what **madmonk28** values. If asserting his personal time is more important, then (b). If developing the relationship is more important, then (a). As much as you’d like to think you’re not “assigning any sort of blame or accusations,” I think it’s pretty clear what you think here: that people have an obligation to acquiesce to rude behavior. And we don’t. And you know what? _Embarassment that someone feels as a result of their own rude behavior is a great teaching tool._ I’m damned certain that the next time this coworker wants to join someone at a meal, he’s going to ask first instead of just inviting himself. The best way to help people learn polite behavior is to lead them to realize where they screwed up so they can be embarassed and not do it again–not by explicitly pointing it out to them, but by refusing to play along. > [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > Yes, **Shot From Guns** it _is_ rude to not answer a question you have no intention of answering by not answering. I was thinking more along the lines of an icy, “Excuse me?” The OP did not ignore the coworker, any more than refusing to answer a question is ignoring it–he acknowledged him, and politely informed him that he was going to continue doing what he had been doing. \*Had \*he simply ignored the other man completely, \*that \*would have been rude. Rudeness shouldn’t be answered with rudeness, but \*refusing to accomodate an interruption \*is not rude. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/128 "2010-08-06T18:43:14Z")
I _ **DO** _ count **Ogre**. _One_…_two_…THREE puppets; _one_ tinfoil hat; zero pants. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/129 "2010-08-06T18:44:44Z")
> [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > The general assumption in society today is that people need other people, and that someone who is alone will want company. I think this is biologically determined because _Homo sapiens_ evolved as a social animal. Actually, I think part of it’s because extroverts have been allowed to set the rules, by virtue of talking more and louder. No one listens to introverts. Of course, it might help if we _said something_. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/130 "2010-08-06T18:50:32Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > > [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > > > The general assumption in society today is that people need other people, and that someone who is alone will want company. I think this is biologically determined because _Homo sapiens_ evolved as a social animal. > > Actually, I think part of it’s because extroverts have been allowed to set the rules, by virtue of talking more and louder. No one listens to introverts. > > Of course, it might help if we _said something_. 😉 But then we wouldn’t be intr…and then WE’D set the rul…but then we wouldn’t be posting h…wait. I think I just had an aneurysm. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/131 "2010-08-06T18:52:10Z")
> [@6impossiblethingsb4breakfast](#): > > i _ **do** _ count **ogre**. _one_.._two_..three puppets; _one_ tinfoil hat; zero pants. Can’t you see I’m trying to READ? _Dragonriders of Pern_, man! Have you no life?! ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/132 "2010-08-06T18:55:23Z")
[quote=“Shot\_From\_Guns, post:127, topic:549379”] > [@msmith537](#): > > > [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > > > Yes, **Shot From Guns** it _is_ rude to not answer a question you have no intention of answering by not answering. > > I was thinking more along the lines of an icy, “Excuse me?” The OP did not ignore the coworker, any more than refusing to answer a question is ignoring it–he acknowledged him, and politely informed him that he was going to continue doing what he had been doing. \*Had \*he simply ignored the other man completely, \*that \*would have been rude. > > Rudeness shouldn’t be answered with rudeness, but \*refusing to accomodate an interruption \*is not rude. In the realms of “Rudeness shouldn’t be answered with rudeness” \*\*SFG, \*\*"an icy, “_Excuse_ me?” is pretty damn rude in my book (that I’m not reading at the table). “I’m sorry - that’s not a question I am obligated to, or prepared to answer” isn’t rude at all; and does not embarrass the questioner. Your idea that embarrassment is a good ‘learning tool’ is not a leaf I’ll take from your book (that you’re reading at the table). Claiming that the co-worker will now \*never \*approach a table uninvited is quite a stretch and simply not true; the most that may be achieved is that he will never approach **madmonk** ’s table again. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/133 "2010-08-06T18:58:49Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > > [@Balance](#): > > > > Actually, I think part of it’s because extroverts have been allowed to set the rules, by virtue of talking more and louder. No one listens to introverts. > > > > Of course, it might help if we _said something_. 😉 > > But then we wouldn’t be intr…and then WE’D set the rul…but then we wouldn’t be posting h…wait. I think I just had an aneurysm. Look. You introverts just don’t \*want \*to set the rules. Unless it’s about not saying anything. So just say something about not saying anything and then shut up. The noise from you lot is making my hat all buzzy. ---
**Author:** ![Baron\_Greenback](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baron_greenback/32/48_2.png) [@Baron\_Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Greenback)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/134 "2010-08-06T19:17:13Z")
It looks like we’ve got ourselves a _reader_. Honestly, if I’m reading a book somewhere, and am perfectly happy doing so, and you just want to dribble on despite all the social signals I’m sending out, then you can can cock of you fucking drooling idiot. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/135 "2010-08-06T19:24:12Z")
> [@Baron\_Greenback](#): > > then you can can cock of you fucking drooling idiot. Is this English?? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/136 "2010-08-06T19:25:23Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > > [@Baron\_Greenback](#): > > > > then you can can cock of you fucking drooling idiot. > > Is this English?? You’ve never been to Scotland, have you? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/137 "2010-08-06T19:26:47Z")
> [@Baron\_Greenback](#): > > ..cock of(sic) you fucking drooling idiot. I think I \*read this in a book about etiquette **BG**. - Not at the table and not at breakfast where my fucking drooling idiot co-workers could see me. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/138 "2010-08-06T19:34:20Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > > [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > > > Is this English?? > > You’ve never been to Scotland, have you? 🙂 I HAVE, actually. After staring for a few moments I believe there may be an extra ‘can’ and a missing ‘f’ causing my confusion. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/139 "2010-08-06T19:35:30Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > If I’m in a hotel dining room 3,000 miles from home and see one of three other people in the entire country that I know, I’m going to sit with him. > > Even if he’s wearing a tin foil hat, wearing puppets on both hands, and no pants. Sure, I’ll ask Elan if I can sit with him. And he’ll probably be glad of the company, but then he’s pretty needy. And he doesn’t just wear puppets, he worships them. > **[80 Replacement Cleric - Giant in the Playground Games](https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0080.html)** > **[81 First Church of Banjo - Giant in the Playground Games](https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0081.html)** > **[85 The Elder Puppet - Giant in the Playground Games](https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0085.html)** There’s a few strips where Elan is nekkid, too, but I don’t feel like digging through the archives any longer. Seriously, though, in the OP’s case, I probably would have put my book down and chatted. But I still believe that the coworker was much ruder than the OP, because he didn’t ask to join, he just assumed he’d be welcome, and when it was clear that the OP wanted to get back to his book, the coworker was rude AGAIN when he tried to guilt him into talking. The coworker should have tried to find someone who wanted company. ---
**Author:** ![mlees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@mlees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mlees)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379/140 "2010-08-06T19:37:40Z")
I don’t think you were rude based on your description. However, the other fella may have thought “Why doesn’t he even want to talk to me? Is it because he doesn’t like me?”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-a-jerk-in-this-situation/549379.md?page=8)