# Was I wrong to ask for my money back?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [July 22, 2022, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374 "2022-07-22T12:44:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/1 "2022-07-22T12:44:00Z")
The family and I just spent a couple of weeks with my brother in the US. With kids, there were eight of us total (more when our parents were visiting), and we ate out a lot and did lots of activities. My brother and I had kind of an unspoken agreement that we would take turns paying for things, which we did.
As it happens, my brother was having some small construction job done one day at his place, and two workmen were there about half a day. As the workmen were leaving, my brother fumbled in his wallet to give a cash tip to the guys, and came up empty. My wife was nearby and he asked her if she had $40 for the workers. My wife gave it to him.
A few days later when we were about to leave, I asked my brother if he had the money for me. He seemed genuinely surprised that I asked, and when I reminded him a bit later, he said that he wasn’t aware that we were keeping track of who was paying for what.
In the end, I let it go in the spirit of family peace, but am still wondering, was I wrong to ask for the $40? Although the other expenses of the week dwarfed the cost of the tip, to me it seemed to be strange. On the other hand, he did offer us his hospitality for two weeks….
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### Author:  [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/2 "2022-07-22T12:48:16Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#):
>
> On the other hand, he did offer us his hospitality for two weeks….
Does seem odd to worry about $40 at that point. I would say wrong the first time, but asking a second time does.
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### Author:  [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/3 "2022-07-22T13:10:40Z")
Granted tipping the workers isn’t your responsibility but it was a nice gesture that might have helped offset other expenses from hosting another family for two weeks. I’m assuming you also picked up groceries to help feed the crowd. Drinks, snacks, light meal fixings?
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### Author:  [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/4 "2022-07-22T13:12:57Z")
Attitudes with money are just weird. Years ago a friend and I were both serious racing bettors. Back then in Australia the only bookmakers (well, legal ones) were on course. So we went to probably 150 meetings a year. Often we would take shares of each others bets as insurance and, at the end of the day we would scrupulously settle up, exactly to the dollar. But, in all the years of doing this we never once paid any attention to who paid what for admission, food or drinks during the day. Like I say, weird.
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### Author:  [@Keeve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Keeve)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/5 "2022-07-22T13:19:33Z")
I’d say there was nothing wrong with _asking_, though I don’t know what anyone’s tone of voice was.
Having asked, though, letting the matter drop was absolutely the right thing.
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### Author:  [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/6 "2022-07-22T13:51:41Z")
You stayed at his house for 2 weeks, then shared expenses with them during that time? Yeah, in that case I think asking for $40 back was a little much. He literally saved you thousands of dollars in hotel and food costs, you could spot him $40 because he didn’t have any cash on hand.
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### Author:  [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/7 "2022-07-22T13:52:21Z")
If he let you stay at his place for two weeks with no payment from you for that, then what you saved by not having to pay for a hotel is **substantially** more than $40.
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### Author:  [@tofor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tofor)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/8 "2022-07-22T14:00:52Z")
Your brother specifically asked your wife to spot him a tip for work done on his house, and didn’t pay you back for it? I consider that weird.
Sure, if you’re staying at his place you can pitch in for groceries or whatever, but this was an expense not related to your stay and regardless of whether it was significant in relation to the other expenses is irrelevant.
So you weren’t wrong, but letting it go is certainly the right thing to do at this point.
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### Author:  [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/9 "2022-07-22T14:07:58Z")
> [@tofor](#):
>
> but this was an expense not related to your stay
Everything is an expense related to his stay when he’s not paying for the accommodation. Being generous with people who are being more than generous to you should be easy to do - but it can sometimes be difficult to associate seemingly separate things like that.
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### Author:  [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/10 "2022-07-22T14:16:49Z")
I pretty much agree with @tofor: if I go to pay for something of my own, discover I don’t have cash on me, and ask you for money, my assumption would be that I’m asking you to spot me some cash and that I would pay you back as soon as I can.
If you then said, “Nah, that’s okay, keep it,” I might or might not accept your offer, but I certainly wouldn’t expect it.
I wouldn’t want there to be even a suspicion that I was pulling the cheapskate slimeball move of ordering something and then “forgetting” my wallet/cash in hopes that someone else would pay for me.
What complicates the situation a bit is that _your wife_ forked over the $40, but then _you_ asked for the repayment. This only makes sense if you and your wife think of your money collectively as “our money,” not “her money” and “my money.” But that makes it more reasonable to consider your and your brother’s money collectively, in a limited sense, while you’re staying with him.
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### Author:  [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/11 "2022-07-22T14:33:33Z")
Putting myself in the OP’s shoes, I’d expect my brother to pay me back, but if he forgot I wouldn’t ask. My brother would likely remember at some future date and grab a check at a restaurant or something to make up for it.
We went to some major dinner party at a seafood place with my gf’s family recently, around twelve people total. When the check came, my gf should have grabbed it, but she was a bit drunk and having a great time. I ended up giving the waiter my credit card. She will realize what happened one day, probably when her credit card bill arrives.
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### Author:  [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/12 "2022-07-22T16:09:35Z")
> [@Munch](#):
>
> Everything is an expense related to his stay when he’s not paying for the accommodation.
Nonsense. I am not required (nor expected) to pay any bill that happens to come in at a family member’s home at the time I am there.
But, as has been said, people are often weird about money in their own idiosyncratic ways. My take on the OP:
1. It was appropriate to ask for the money- paying for each others’ personal expenses does not sound like part of the expectations of this arrangement
2. I understand how your brother might have felt that it was just part of the whole fluid nature of financial responsibility that you were operating under
3. The relative small dollar amount of $40 compared to what I assume was much larger joint expenses of feeding and entertaining 8+ people at a time probably added to the sense that this money was inconsequential
4. The fact that you had an “unspoken understanding” about money makes it even more likely that the two of you might end up with a difference of perspective on what that understanding actually means
5. Regardless, the fact that your brother seems resistant to paying you back is . . . well, people are weird about money, but it’s inappropriate. This was a fixed expense he had that had nothing to do with your visit. Whether or not he thinks the money should have been freely given, his response should have been: “oh, of course!”
6. Assuming the money is more symbolic than practically important, you were right to just let it go
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### Author:  [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/13 "2022-07-22T16:14:11Z")
> [@Eonwe](#):
>
> This was a fixed expense he had that had nothing to do with your visit.
Yup. [Discourse characters.]
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### Author:  [@D\_Anconia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Anconia)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/14 "2022-07-22T16:23:37Z")
Agreed. If the HVAC system went out and required repair/replacement, it would be odd for the homeowner to expect his guests to chip in. He’d have to pay that anyway, guests or not.
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### Author:  [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/15 "2022-07-22T16:35:49Z")
I’m with those who are saying that the OP was not wrong in asking for the $40. But is is possible that the brother didn’t realize you were asking for a refund of the tip for the workmen, but thought it was for some other mutual expense?
The only other possible circumstance I can think of that would make the brother’s refusal more understandable (if not entirely excusable) would be if the OP were unable to reciprocate the hospitality if/when the brother and his family visited him. In that case the issue of hotel costs would be more unequal, and the brother would be more justified in factoring that into the equation.
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### Author:  [@SacFly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SacFly)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/16 "2022-07-22T17:22:33Z")
Since the tip was an unusual event, it’s possible that it just slipped his mind and he was caught off guard when you asked.
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### Author:  [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/17 "2022-07-22T17:33:45Z")
My brother and I were going to a work function at a Seattle hotel last week. I drove. We parked at the hotel valet stand. I said, “you got $5 for the valet?” He gave me $5. I never thought of it again, until this thread. If it was $40 would it be different? Probably not. Maybe I would say “I’ll get some cash and pay you back.” But, like what the OP’s brother said, we don’t keep track. On the other hand, if it was one of my kids (who don’t have as much money as my brother) I probably would make an effort to pay them back.
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### Author:  [@tofor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tofor)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/18 "2022-07-22T17:36:37Z")
That’s different, because the expense was specifically related to a thing both of you were doing.
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### Author:  [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/19 "2022-07-22T17:39:29Z")
> [@tofor](#):
>
> That’s different, because the expense was specifically related to a thing both of you were doing .
Fair point. Although I think if would play out for us the same in the OP’s scenario. Perhaps it depends on what $40 represents. Is it the same as “you got a dollar on you?” or is it more like “I need $500, can you loan it to me?”
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### Author:  [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2022, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-i-wrong-to-ask-for-my-money-back/968374/20 "2022-07-22T17:51:09Z")
“Would you pick up this mutual expense and we’ll generally alternate?” vs. “Would you pick up this non-mutual expense?”
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