# Was this a rude/ignorant thing to say or am I being to sensitive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 8, 2013, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307 "2013-09-08T03:56:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/41 "2013-09-08T17:15:10Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > Now I realize your daughter was not acting in the exact manner as this, however, many people would feel like a child by eight yrs old should be taught to help out by putting a few items on the belt, instead of playing on a nook as you do all the work I agree that this is probably what the cashier was thinking. She probably thought that the kid was just playing a game on the Nook while dad was doing all the work, and a lot of people would consider that to be a bad thing. I imagine she thought she was “helping” by pointing out to dad that the kid could be doing some of the work. Honestly? If I saw a kid playing Angry Birds while the dad was unloading all the groceries? No, I wouldn’t SAY anything, but I would be THINKING, “Man, that is one spoiled kid. Why doesn’t the parent teach that kid how to help out?” ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/42 "2013-09-08T17:16:51Z")
> [@turtlescanfly](#): > > Funny addendum: My daughter said if she was thinking faster when the lady asked if her Mom collected the stamps she would have said “She WAS” and then burst into tears. Yes, this is the child I’ve raised…:rolleyes: BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, she’ll be fine. And a Doper before you know it! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/43 "2013-09-08T17:44:12Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/44 "2013-09-08T17:47:47Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Both of her remarks were somewhat out of line and probably poorly-stated, but the cashier may well have been under the gun to say _something,_ and that’s what she came up with. So, instead of saying something like, “Your daughter is very well behaved, sir,” or “Would you like these stamps for our promotional give away of some celebrity-endorsed crapware?” she makes an openly critical accusation and dismissively ignores the actual customer who is paying her and addresses an eight year old? I suck at making conversation that doesn’t revolve around quantum mechanics or why on Earth Hollywood keeps paying Jason Statham to make the exact same movie over and over again, and I could make better customer-appropriate small talk than that. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/45 "2013-09-08T17:53:37Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > Alot of kids are allowed to play with their phones or nooks , ipads, etc in social settings where to many people its considered to be indulgent parenting and lazy, spoiled kids. older people have admittedly more social expectations of children. A few months ago, I saw a girl of about 12 in a coffee shop walk up to the hostess, as the hostess was talking to her, the girl was not even looking at the hostess, instead she was looking at her phone, mumbling replies back. The girls grandfather came over and angrily grabbed the phone away and told her to look at the hostess and speak like a civilized human. The girl ran and tattled to helicopter mom who came over and told the grandpa to give back spoiled Sue her stupid phone. The grandpa imo was trying to instill some basic decency into that spoiled kid, but by helicopter moms response, it was easy to see why the kid acted the way she did and didnt even at 12 know something as basic as how to talk to a hostess. Now I realize your daughter was not acting in the exact manner as this, however, many people would feel like a child by eight yrs old should be taught to help out by putting a few items on the belt, instead of playing on a nook as you do all the work A lot of people are allowed to post on their iPhones, Nooks, iPads, et cetera in writing settings where to many people it is acceptable to post with broken grammar and punctuation. I once saw a poster…et cetera, et cetera. Being judgmental about the behavior of other people’s children when you have zero context or knowledge is kind of jerkish in the same way as pedantically correcting someone’s grammar, especially in the passive agressive way you apply it to the o.p. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/46 "2013-09-08T18:33:39Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > Alot of kids are allowed to play with their phones or nooks , ipads, etc in social settings where to many people its considered to be indulgent parenting and lazy, spoiled kids. older people have admittedly more social expectations of children. A few months ago, I saw a girl of about 12 in a coffee shop walk up to the hostess, as the hostess was talking to her, the girl was not even looking at the hostess, instead she was looking at her phone, mumbling replies back. The girls grandfather came over and angrily grabbed the phone away and told her to look at the hostess and speak like a civilized human. The girl ran and tattled to helicopter mom who came over and told the grandpa to give back spoiled Sue her stupid phone. The grandpa imo was trying to instill some basic decency into that spoiled kid, but by helicopter moms response, it was easy to see why the kid acted the way she did and didnt even at 12 know something as basic as how to talk to a hostess. Now I realize your daughter was not acting in the exact manner as this, however, many people would feel like a child by eight yrs old should be taught to help out by putting a few items on the belt, instead of playing on a nook as you do all the work This. I also would guess that the cashier was an older lady & less tech orientated. I also would realize that my daughter would be the 1 in 10,000 exception of all the other same situations they have seen or experienced. I would used it as way to brag on my daughter & be proud that I was a better parent than the other 10,000 people that cashier had seen that day. You & yours are not special little snow flakes. I do not believe in any perfect 8 year old. I do not believe in any perfect parent. I do not believe in any perfect cashier. I do believe a lot of people are spring loaded to several other positions… :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Phil\_CostaMesa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Phil\_CostaMesa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phil_CostaMesa)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/47 "2013-09-08T18:35:42Z")
> [@Kevbo](#): > > When I think people are rude, I can chuckle at their poor manners. > > When I think they are rude \*\* to me\*\* then I have to get some level of angry. > > The difference is not in their behavior, but in my perception, and my willingness not to attempt to control their behavior and give up my right to a better past. > > Some will say that if I don’t get mad or strike back then the offender has “gotten away with” the behavior. I say that by refusing to be upset, I have denied them victory. Sometimes it is very obviously true…mean people hate to be laughed at. One of the things I do is save helpful little stories or quotes. I posted this one in response to the OP, but just in case you didn’t see it I’m reposting it to you. From what you wrote I think you’ll like it. "One day Socrates was walking down a street with some friends when a nobleman approached. As was customary, Socrates greeted him, but the nobleman walked straight past, declining to return the courtesy. The friends of the philosopher were angry at the nobleman but Socrates used the incident to teach a lesson. ‘Suppose,’ said Socrates, ‘you meet a man on the street with poorer clothing than your own? Would that make you angry? Why then are you angry at a man who has poorer mental habits than you possess?’ The friends of Socrates were enlightened by hearing of this totally new way to respond to a so-called insult." ~~The Daily Guru~~ ---
**Author:** ![Phil\_CostaMesa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Phil\_CostaMesa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phil_CostaMesa)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/48 "2013-09-08T18:44:37Z")
> [@JustinC](#): > > Wow, it took me to post #26 to realise the OP is the father :smack: > > I think it’s safe to say I have nothing further to add. The OP is the FATHER? Geez, I gotta go re-read it too, ha ha btw, I don’t see numbers on the posts. How’d you know it was # 26? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/49 "2013-09-08T18:45:49Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > I agree that this is probably what the cashier was thinking. She probably thought that the kid was just playing a game on the Nook while dad was doing all the work, and a lot of people would consider that to be a bad thing. I imagine she thought she was “helping” by pointing out to dad that the kid could be doing some of the work. > > Honestly? If I saw a kid playing Angry Birds while the dad was unloading all the groceries? > No, I wouldn’t SAY anything, but I would be THINKING, “Man, that is one spoiled kid. Why doesn’t the parent teach that kid how to help out?” I think WhyNot has a good point that a boy playing on a tablet and not helping out may well not have inspired a comment, as there’s still this idea that women do the shopping and men do their best not to chew off their leg and run for the exit. On the other hand, a girl futzing on a tablet while dad worked on the car would get a pass but a boy would not. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/50 "2013-09-08T18:46:44Z")
> [@Phil\_CostaMesa](#): > > The OP is the FATHER? Geez, I gotta go re-read it too, ha ha > > btw, I don’t see numbers on the posts. How’d you know it was # 26? Upper right hand corner of each post. Next to the # 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Phil\_CostaMesa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Phil\_CostaMesa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phil_CostaMesa)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/51 "2013-09-08T18:47:13Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > “She could help” > > “She is, she’s checking the grocery list for me.” > > “Is your mom collecting these.” > > no answer from the daughter > > You: “her mom and I are divorced, but I don’t collect them, no, thanks.” > > The questions were sort of stupid and impertinent, but you could have politely educated her that they were with your answers. As she gets educated, unless her learning curve is flat, she’ll get better at appropriate chit chat (has it rained yet? Is it still hot out there? have you tried these crackers before? I really liked them. Do you want the promotional stamps?) Sounds good. Only problem is, HINDSIGHT is twenty-twenty. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/52 "2013-09-08T18:51:45Z")
> [@](#): > > Funny addendum: My daughter said if she was thinking faster when the lady asked if her Mom collected the stamps she would have said “She WAS” and then burst into tears. Yes, this is the child I’ve raised…:rolleyes: Savor this now. Because in a very few short years, she’s going to be turning that wit on YOU. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Phil\_CostaMesa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Phil\_CostaMesa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phil_CostaMesa)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/53 "2013-09-08T18:55:45Z")
> [@turtlescanfly](#): > > And THIS is why I love the Dope:) > > Thanks for everyone’s responses. Just to clarify one thing… I unfortunately poorly worded my OP… I wasn’t really offended or even upset about either comment, probably would have forgot it completely if my daughter hadn’t mentioned it in the parking lot. The only real reason I was thinking about it at all is because she asked “wasn’t that rude?” and I wasn’t sure what to tell her. I had worked up some mock indignation in my OP that wasn’t really accurate. > > Funny addendum: My daughter said if she was thinking faster when the lady asked if her Mom collected the stamps she would have said “She WAS” and then burst into tears. Yes, this is the child I’ve raised…:rolleyes: Smart/funny child you got there. You musta b doing something right. u gotta b pleased. “And the Oscar goes to,…” ---
**Author:** ![Phil\_CostaMesa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Phil\_CostaMesa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phil_CostaMesa)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/54 "2013-09-08T18:59:27Z")
> [@minor7flat5](#): > > I vote for “no big deal” depending on the tone and delivery. > > My wife and I have raised four different kids who aren’t ours in a “living with Aunt and Uncle” kind of way, so I am quite used to odd small-talk comments like that when I’m out with the little kids. I often joke about how nobody who sees us would ever make the correct assumption about our family. But a world without such small talk would be a sad one, IMHO. > > Since I am always out in public alone with the two little kids, I know everyone just assumes I must be a divorced dad with the kids for the weekend. > > I just smile and get on with my day. Not me. I assume you’re the man who kidnapped these kids and they haven’t seen their real parents for years, but if I look at you unpleasantly you’ll notice and wait until I get off and kill me,… Oh, sorry, too much TV. ---
**Author:** ![Phil\_CostaMesa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Phil\_CostaMesa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phil_CostaMesa)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/55 "2013-09-08T19:03:51Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > Alot of kids are allowed to play with their phones or nooks , ipads, etc in social settings where to many people its considered to be indulgent parenting and lazy, spoiled kids. older people have admittedly more social expectations of children. A few months ago, I saw a girl of about 12 in a coffee shop walk up to the hostess, as the hostess was talking to her, the girl was not even looking at the hostess, instead she was looking at her phone, mumbling replies back. The girls grandfather came over and angrily grabbed the phone away and told her to look at the hostess and speak like a civilized human. The girl ran and tattled to helicopter mom who came over and told the grandpa to give back spoiled Sue her stupid phone. The grandpa imo was trying to instill some basic decency into that spoiled kid, but by helicopter moms response, it was easy to see why the kid acted the way she did and didnt even at 12 know something as basic as how to talk to a hostess. Now I realize your daughter was not acting in the exact manner as this, however, many people would feel like a child by eight yrs old should be taught to help out by putting a few items on the belt, instead of playing on a nook as you do all the work “Helicopter Mom.” I guess I don’t get out much. Hadn’t heard that b4. Have to add it to my internal dictionary. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Phil\_CostaMesa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Phil\_CostaMesa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phil_CostaMesa)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/56 "2013-09-08T19:12:43Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Upper right hand corner of each post. > Next to the # 😉 Ah, yes. thank you ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/57 "2013-09-08T20:01:02Z")
> [@turtlescanfly](#): > > Funny addendum: My daughter said if she was thinking faster when the lady asked if her Mom collected the stamps she would have said “She WAS” and then burst into tears. Yes, this is the child I’ve raised…:rolleyes: I think it was \*\*Hal Briston \*_who was buying formula and got some kind of comment about it from the cashier. And responded "Her mother died in childbirth_ and can’t supply any breastmilk." \*Her mother didn’t die in childbirth. ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/58 "2013-09-08T20:43:12Z")
I’d be annoyed with the first remark in particular. I don’t care what anyone thinks about the way I parent my children, I do not need judgmental comments, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation for why my child might be using a Nook in a grocery store line. My kids are polite and I insist that they make eye contact and interact appropriately when someone speaks to them, but in the circumstances you described, your daughter’s behavior was not out of line. If cashiers are required to make small talk (and I know some of them are), “How are you folks doing today?” is really not a difficult starting place. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/59 "2013-09-08T20:45:41Z")
I don’t like any personal comments or questions by a cashier. I especially dislike comments or questions about items I’m buying, like asking me “Are these any good?” or “Are you buying these for your wife?” (I don’t have a wife, and it would still be rude if I had one.) The worst was when a pharmacy cashier commented that she hadn’t seen my mother in a while. My mother had passed away. ---
**Author:** ![Accidental\_Martyr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ce7236/32.png) [@Accidental\_Martyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Accidental_Martyr)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2013, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307/60 "2013-09-08T20:56:37Z")
> [@papergirl](#): > > If cashiers are required to make small talk (and I know some of them are), “How are you folks doing today?” is really not a difficult starting place. Exactly. The cashiers where I do most of my grocery shopping usually say, “How are you doing?” or some variation. This is usually followed by “Did you find everything you needed today?” How hard is that? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-a-rude-ignorant-thing-to-say-or-am-i-being-to-sensitive/668307.md?page=4)