# Was this compliment inappropriate? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 19, 2023, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817 "2023-12-19T08:18:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Tan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/charlie_tan/32/12582_2.png) [@Charlie\_Tan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Tan)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/101 "2023-12-21T00:07:53Z")
> [@pkbites](#): > > Sylvia is white of apparent European decent, and approximately 4’10. She is not a “Little Person” and doesn’t have Dwarfism. In other words, there is no real explaination for her stature. She’s just a very small, slim lady. She looks like she’s in her late teens even though she is in her late 30’s. > [@pkbites](#): > > But I want to reiterate that Sylvia looks like she is 17 Am I to understand that you think a typical female 17 year old is 4’10" and that’s the basis for your description? Because average height for a 17 y.o. is about 5’3" or so says Google. > [@pkbites](#): > > Sylvia is white of apparent European decent, And why is this relevant? ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/102 "2023-12-21T00:28:16Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Because it _keeps on happening_, your level of cumulative frustration and annoyance is very likely to be greater in magnitude than the actual offence level of any individual incident where it happens, so if you react and respond naturally, it is likely to seem out of proportion with the incident. > > And yet, because it keeps on happening, your irritation and grievance continues to escalate. ‘Let it go’ or ‘just ignore it’ just adds injury to insult - not only are you subject to abuse, but you, the victim, are also the person who must go to extra lengths to cope with it. Honestly, I don’t think there is anything special about suffering the annoyance of being, for example, so tall that people comment on it. Sure, people ought not to say anything. But there are LOTS of annoying things people should not do, and yet, being human, they continue to do them. As victimhood goes, this seems pretty trivial. It’s up to all human beings to learn to take life’s petty annoyances in stride. You don’t get special dispensation to act like a grouch just because you have a physical characteristic that people tend to remark upon, any more than I am entitled to act like a jerk because I was born with pathological myopia. If you MUST respond, perhaps the next time someone says, “how’s the weather up there, hyuck, hyuck,” (or whatever typical remark fits your notable characteristic), look at them in astonishment and say, with as much sincerity as you can muster, “gosh, you are the first person to ever say that to me!” Then let it go, maybe with a slight chuckle. That doesn’t seem too disproportionate, and who knows, maybe the offender will learn to do better next time. Probably not, but at least you will have done your part to educate them. (Full disclosure: the person who replaced me as executive director is _exceedingly_ tall. She’s maybe … 6’2" or 6’3" … something like that, maybe taller. It’s especially striking in a woman. I have never said a word about her height and I don’t intend to. But every time I see her, I notice it.) ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/103 "2023-12-21T00:49:14Z")
> [@vbob](#): > > As it happens, the beard has some medical AND spiritual significance. Forgive me if this is presumptuous, but could you trim your beard short enough that the jolly elf comments were greatly diminished? ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/104 "2023-12-21T04:24:03Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Closest I came was in the day when my daughter, adopted from China, was still a preschooler, and we were on vacation on a beach in Florida gulf coast. A women came up and asked where she’s from. I was getting tired of people asking and she was old enough to understand she was being talked about. I answered “Chicago.” Same situation. One time, I answered “Mars.” My daughters loved it. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/105 "2023-12-21T04:38:35Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > It’s up to all human beings to learn to take life’s petty annoyances in stride. No, it’s not. You might feel that way, but there’s no moral or ethical reason to do so. It’s how bad stuff gets changed. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/106 "2023-12-21T05:09:56Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > No, it’s not. You might feel that way, but there’s no moral or ethical reason to do so. It’s how bad stuff gets changed Agreed. I have a woman friend who’s very tall, and was mocked mercilessly and callously for it growing up, to the point where it still makes her feel bad. She should not have to put up with thoughtless comments from thoughtless adults. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/107 "2023-12-21T05:25:18Z")
> [@Charlie\_Tan](#): > > > [@pkbites](#): > > > > But I want to reiterate that Sylvia looks like she is 17 > > > [@Charlie\_Tan](#): > > > > Am I to understand that you think a typical female 17 year old is 4’10" and that’s the basis for your description? Because average height for a 17 y.o. is about 5’3" or so says Google. > > No. My description includes that she doesn’t look as old as she is, including everything like facial features, etc… She just looks very young. > > > [@pkbites](#): > > > > Sylvia is white of apparent European decent, > > And why is this relevant? For the same reason pointing out that she doesn’t have dwarfism and isn’t a little person. I was just showing there is no explanation for Sylvias size other than she’s just quite small. Some ethnicities include large portions of their population who are smaller in stature. You’re obviously looking for something to be offended by. But I already gave you that (the comments made by Lisa). Let that suffice. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/108 "2023-12-21T05:54:49Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > > [@Telemark](#): > > > > No, it’s not. You might feel that way, but there’s no moral or ethical reason to do so. It’s how bad stuff gets changed > > Agreed. Also agreed. People ought to learn some manners; and one of the important things to learn is that it’s under most circumstances rude to comment on others’ bodies. > [@pkbites](#): > > I was just showing there is no explanation for Sylvias size other than she’s just quite small. I don’t actually see how that’s relevant either. It’s equally rude to call her tiny and cute whatever the reason is for her size. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/109 "2023-12-21T06:41:39Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > They’re always new people saying it, so there’s nothing you can do to preclude or forestall it. > > Even if you do correct the foot-in-mouth syndrome of the current case, it doesn’t help, because fresh idiots will come tomorrow. That’s the key problem, isn’t it? Even if you do come up with a brilliant riposte that makes the speaker realize their foolishness and lack of manners, it works only retrospectively on that one person, and it will by definition have no effect on the next person. _That said,_ when I’m in the mood to respond to a stranger’s thoughtless rudeness, I do have something I do that’s very effective at puncturing their oblivious bubble. Usually I ignore it, but occasionally the other person is insistent at getting me to acknowledge their dumb comment, so I kind of snap. The technique is similar to that Monty Python clip above, where the guy with the funny name has never heard the jokes before and realizes only now that it’s funny. But instead, I just keep playing ignorant, like I don’t understand why the person is saying what they’re saying, and make them explain themselves more and more laboriously. Like, “I don’t get it, what do you mean, the weather ‘up here’? The climate is the same. … Yes, I know I’m tall, but how would that affect the weather?” etc etc. Not in an angry way, just with a totally blank and clueless affect that causes the person to go into a spiral of trying to illuminate the basis for their dumb statement and increasingly realizing how worthless it was. The most common example, for me, was when my kids were younger and I had them out and about on common errands, like at the grocery store. Frequently, some moron with a sunny expression, often but not always an older woman, would come up to me and tell me what a good father I was. Clearly the intent was to compliment me for, they assumed, my having given my wife a break on her role as primary caregiver, taking the kids out to babysit them for a little while. They weren’t considering the possibility that this isn’t anything special, that a real father takes an equal share of the parenting responsibility, and that I would be insulted by the implication that I’m a stupid sexist man who has agreed to watch the kids now because mom is exhausted and needs a rest. It was amusing to feign ignorance as to their intent and get them to tie themselves into knots revealing and then recognizing their own outdated cultural biases, and to click into the fact that you shouldn’t compliment someone for achieving the baseline of what should be minimum acceptable behavior, you should criticize men who _don’t_ achieve that minimum. But, like you said, however satisfying that one interaction might be, it does nothing at all to educate and interrupt the next bumbling numpty the following day. I don’t think there is a solution. Many, many people are just breathtakingly stupid. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/110 "2023-12-21T07:27:02Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > It’s how bad stuff gets changed. A petty annoyance is by definition not “bad stuff” in any true sense of the word (I’m assuming “bad stuff” is things that really matter, like driving drunk, hitting your child, allowing dangerous effluents to be discharged into drinking water, etc.). By “petty” I mean “minor,” if that is not clear. Look, I agreed that one could respond with a comment designed to make the idiot interlocutor learn from their stupid remark. But are tall people “victims” because they are tall and some people can’t keep their mouths shut? That’s a stretch in my book. People who suffer child abuse, racism, rape, the violence of war, and so forth - they are most certainly victims. Someone who has to hear the same lame joke over and over is not a victim in any meaningful sense. Respond with a baleful start or a joke if you must - I have no problem with trying to educate people. But I really do object to the idea of victimhood or allowing oneself to respond in a disproportionate manner. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/111 "2023-12-21T07:45:00Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > I don’t actually see how that’s relevant either. It’s equally rude to call her tiny and cute whatever the reason is for her size. I disagree. I think saying that to someone who obviously had dwarfism would not just be rude but would be outrageous. What Lisa said to Sylvia was thoughtless but I wouldn’t say it was outrageous. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/112 "2023-12-21T08:50:14Z")
I think there are a couple of possible fallacies here; firstly, you’re classing the problem as ‘petty’ by isolating and considering individual events; this is in fact exactly the problem; the individual events are indeed small - that is explicitly stated in the problem, but the cumulative effect of many of them, relentlessly, over a span of time, adds up to a pattern that would probably qualify as abuse if it all came from one source rather than many. The individuals doing it are generally unaware of the fact that they are participating in, what may seem at the receiving end, as a campaign of insult. Fractions add up to whole numbers. The other thing here is the argument that X is not bad, because Y is much, much worse. I think this may be arising from the problem above where you’re focusing on measuring one component as ‘minor’, rather than considering the sum effect of many of those components. If it helps, dispense with ‘what’s the weather like up there’ and substitute some other careless remarks such as ‘wow your eyes are really crooked!’; ‘What’s up with your feet?’, "your voice is really scratchy - it’s quite annoying’, ‘have you put on weight recently?’, ‘You should get a hair implant’ etc ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/113 "2023-12-21T09:18:09Z")
I think in all this I’m just surprised that someone in Sylvia’s position - a police officer of considerable experience - isn’t better trained or attuned to be more sensitive around people. I mean, she’ll have had to deal with tricky situations and vulnerable people her whole career. Hasn’t any of that rubbed off? Isn’t ‘be guarded in what you say’ rule 101? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/114 "2023-12-21T09:46:11Z")
Enough torches and pitchforks here. Lisa made a mistake. She said something inappropriate, annoying, but actually harmless. If you never did that you may continue to berate Lisa. The OP related the story and doesn’t deserve any scorn for doing so. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/115 "2023-12-21T09:59:31Z")
The OP opened this thread to invite opinion. So you’re saying we aren’t allowed to give it? I also don’t see how we’re giving the OP any scorn. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/116 "2023-12-21T10:34:33Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > The OP opened this thread to invite opinion. So you’re saying we aren’t allowed to give it? Give your opinion. Also admit any hypocrisy on your own part. There’s no reason to think this was any more than a mistake of the kind everybody has made. Lisa at least thought better of it later on. More than one poster has questioned the motives of the OP for relating details about Sylvia’s appearance that they thought were irrelevant. They aren’t irrelevant, simply unnecessary, but it’s not uncommon to add unnecessary detail to show that other factors have been considered. It’s similar to including extra digits to the right of a decimal point to indicate a level of precision. ETA: I see your post immediately preceded mine. I wasn’t referring to yours really. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/117 "2023-12-21T11:00:35Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > I think in all this I’m just surprised that someone in Sylvia’s position - a police officer of considerable experience - I think in all this I’m just surprised that some people on the SDMB aren’t better at reading OP’s and comprehending who is who. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/118 "2023-12-21T11:05:36Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > The OP opened this thread to invite opinion. This. But more to qualify my own thought that she shouldn’t have said it. But as I opened with, had Sylvia not made a sour face I wouldn’t have thought about it. Lisa is a warm, folksy person and probably thought she was giving a compliment. If Sylvia were to complain about it I can assure you in this case the worst that would happen is a Sergeant would tell Lisa “don’t say that anymore” and that would be the end of it unless she did it again. The comment was insensitive but not egregious. ---
**Author:** ![vbob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vbob/32/4439_2.png) [@vbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vbob)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/119 "2023-12-21T11:44:41Z")
> [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > Forgive me if this is presumptuous, but could you trim your beard short enough that the jolly elf comments were greatly diminished? Yes, presumptuous. No, not forgiven. No, not trimming. Nice cat avatar you’ve got there. ---
**Author:** ![vbob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vbob/32/4439_2.png) [@vbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vbob)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817/120 "2023-12-21T11:57:50Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > a police officer of considerable experience - isn’t better trained or attuned to be more sensitive around people This exactly! I was triggered to begin my participation in this discussion by an experience earlier in the week wherein a person with police insignia made a Santa remark clearly directed at me - I replied firmly but politely ‘Sir, it’s not appropriate to call people names relating to their appearance’, at which point he doubled down on his ‘humorous’ remarks. I introduced myself by name - he covered up his badge number… it was clearly time to move on. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/was-this-compliment-inappropriate/994817.md?page=7)