# Watch as I channel fatherjohn!
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [March 25, 2001, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382 "2001-03-25T03:10:37Z")
**Posts on this page:** 18
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/1 "2001-03-25T03:10:37Z")
_The spirits have enabled me to speak as the voice of **fatherjohn**. No further explanation is necessary._
I saw another SUV today.
The envy stirs within each time I see some lucky person driving one. I need one, you know, to make up for my extremely small penis.
Sadly, looking at my wallet, I see that I cannot afford to have one. What will I do?
I think I shall try to make everyone believe I hate them. That’s what I’ll do. Maybe I can find a message board where I can vent my frustration. Hopefully, it will be full of people who can’t think, so that I can make everyone hate them, too! That way, I won’t have to see as many.
Uh oh. These Straight Dope people seem to be smart. Definitely smarter than me, that’s for sure! What shall I do? They shoot down my arguments as fast as I can make them up!
I know. I’ll find a kjlsadjklasdf
Whoopsie! I forgot that I couldn’t type with my head up my ass! I’ll try to keep it out for the rest of the time I’m typing.
What I’ll do is find a website that’s an abvious parody. Then, I’ll quote it every chance I get! Even though it’s not relevant, if I quote it enough it lksHfkljashf;klasdkhf
Whoops! My sphincter slipped again!
Damn! They’re funnier than I am too. A lot. Maybe I should be like a parrot! I’ll just say what they say right back to them! Fortunately, I won’t have to think if I do that! Thinking’s harder these days, since I don’t get as much oxygen to my brain!
Speaking of brain…brain…fuzzy!
Must…post…new…nonsense!
Gosh, I think that I’ll just continue to post useless things solely designed to stir things up! That’ll make me a very popular board personality, and thenakl;asdfkljhasdfklgfsegsdfgfgdfggsdg
::end channeling::
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### Author:  [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/2 "2001-03-25T03:22:08Z")
For proof that Cyn is really channeling fatherjohn, check out the following website: [http://www.fatherjohnisaposeur.com](http://www.fatherjohnisaposeur.com)
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### Author:  [@JeffB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffB)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/3 "2001-03-25T03:27:19Z")
What’s up with that link, **Coldfire**. You just posted it, but it doesn’t work.
Great post, **Mr. Cynical**.
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### Author:  [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/4 "2001-03-25T03:29:38Z")
He messed up the url, it’s really:
[http://www.geocities.com/fatherjohnisaposeur/](http://www.geocities.com/fatherjohnisaposeur/)
---
### Author:  [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/5 "2001-03-25T03:34:24Z")
Fuck, you’re quick alright 😉
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### Author:  [@JeffB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffB)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/6 "2001-03-25T03:36:24Z")
Ah, thank you. Well worth the effort.
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### Author:  [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/7 "2001-03-25T06:49:54Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by JeffB \*
> \*\*Ah, thank you. Well worth the effort. \*\*
Thank you _soooo_ much for sharing that.
Now do you efficient jokers have any good tips how to wash your brain pan with Drano without losing favorites lines from movies, The Simpsons, Red Dwarf, favorite rock songs and other useful knowledge along the way?
Veb
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### Author:  [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/8 "2001-03-25T07:16:37Z")
[Oh fatherjohn, have I found something for YOU!](http://www.buggyballs.com/order.html)
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### Author:  [@Monster104](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monster104)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/9 "2001-03-25T08:57:23Z")
MrC, you are the master!
And Silo, I nearly coughed up a lung!
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### Author:  [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/10 "2001-03-25T15:47:22Z")
For those of you wondering what prompted **Mr. Cynical** to make the fj site, I’m buessing he’s talking about [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=64817) where fatherjohn once again rants against SUVs. Showing that planarian worms _can_ learn, he realized that anything with “SUV” in the thread title will attract the same voices of reason that thrashed him so soundly in his other two anti-SUV threads and gave him the ammunition he needed to shoot himself in the foot. So
The funniest thing so far is:
> [@](#):
>
> _Posted by fatherjohn_
> It’s interesting that people assume I’m trying to make a broad statement about SUV’s or SUV drivers. I did that (quite convincingly, if i do say so myself) in another thread. See also [http://poseur.4x4.org](http://poseur.4x4.org)
to which **Protesilaus** replied, “You’d have to say so yourself. An objective observer would state that you had no idea what the hell you were talking about.” Referring to fatherjohn’s “be-all, end-all, the Truth will Set You Free” poseur site, P. replies, “Why do I have a feeling that if fatherjohn read _A Modest Proposal_ he’d use it as evidence they eat babies in England?”
Round Three! **Ding!**
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### Author:  [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/11 "2001-03-25T19:47:18Z")
I think the long and short of it is that we ALL have fatherjohn’s number.
That number is ZERO.
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### Author:  [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2001, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/12 "2001-03-25T20:05:11Z")
I note that now he’s trying to play the victim. “I started this as a personal rant!” he says. “Let me rant in peace!” he says. “I have a two-inch dick!” he says. Sheesh!
Who here believes his micro-penised ass? Raise your hands!
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### Author:  [@KP235](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KP235)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2001, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/13 "2001-03-26T00:11:51Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by SPOOFE Bo Diddly \*
> \*\*Who here believes his micro-penised ass? Raise your hands! \*\*
:::looks around, sees no raised hands:::
(sound of crickets chirping in the background)
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### Author:  [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2001, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/14 "2001-03-26T00:54:56Z")
It could just be his impaired power of reasoning. In [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=64852) he uses this power to show that races exist because states exist.
SUV’s are bad because they cut you off in traffic. He saw this happen. Proof positive that SUVs are bad. States exist and they are social constructs so it naturally follows that races have a biological basis.
Yeah, whatever.
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### Author:  [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2001, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/15 "2001-03-26T16:50:21Z")
How could I have missed this thread, fatherjohn channeler?
Oh, I know why - I couldn’t see around the SUV in front of me, which is only relevant if you’re tailgating. The poseur site puts this up there as a big complaint, so I made it work for me. Maybe the poseur site is run by [Tailgaters.org](http://Tailgaters.org), fatherjohn channeler.
Oh mighty fatherjohn channeler, riddle me this: How does fatherjohn notice so much SUV behavior when his head is rammed up his ass?
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### Author:  [@aenea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aenea)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2001, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/16 "2001-03-26T22:07:20Z")
You know how straight-out right fucking on I think you are, but. . .
One small nit to pick if you will, about channelling fatherjohn. (not that we want to pick too many off of the guy - he’s covered with them) 😉
I see no “oommm mani padme hum”'s, or meditational poses, or tunic-like outfits.
Also, last I watched as someone channeled, the channelee was usually dead. The channeller was alive, and had all of those neat-o helpers who passed baskets for donations out.
::Aenea eyes Mr C suspiciously::
Are you sure you aren’t using your physic wonder powers to just pick his thoughts out of his head?
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### Author:  [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2001, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/17 "2001-03-26T22:47:25Z")
A. “Pot? Kettle? Whatever.”
B. “There’s nothing in the world like a sore loser.”
C. “You know you’re in the right when they all pick on you.”
D. Some worthless clip from your little dick-yanking site that you’ve linked about 700 times so far.
These have been the only things I have seen you come back with. From now on, just refer back to this list and save keystrokes by just answering A, B, C, or D. You can’t ever say I’m not here for you, you fuckstick!
This guy is a moron of the highest magnitude. He’s interesting to look at, in the same way it’s interesting to look monkeys in the zoo smear shit on themselves. Enjoy!
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### Author:  [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)
#### Post date: [March 27, 2001, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/watch-as-i-channel-fatherjohn/59382/18 "2001-03-27T00:27:24Z")
> [@](#):
>
> How does fatherjohn notice so much SUV behavior when his head is rammed up his ass?
Maybe he’s inserted an Explorer or two up there, and the stinging they caused his sphincter is what produced his animosity towards large vehicles.