# We broke up. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 16, 2008, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611 "2008-04-16T17:27:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/61 "2008-04-18T08:45:53Z")
Just popped in to say chin up and stay strong…ODAT…sounds like you’re already doing a good job of that. Remember that you have folks in the program, on the boards and good IRL friends who are in your corner. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/62 "2008-04-18T16:52:34Z")
You’re meeting with the lawyer today, right? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/63 "2008-04-18T17:19:34Z")
[QUOTE=ivylass] You’re meeting with the lawyer today, right? [/QUOTE] That’s not until next week, unfortunately. My ex’s behavior is really bizarre by the way. She’s being SO incredibly nice. Almost too nice. I find it unnerving and am wondering if there’s an ulterior motive. Hell, there’s got to be. Maybe it’s just guilt. I really just want her out. Even though we stay out of each others way and she’s usually out until bedtime, it sucks not having my space. I try to sit and relax at home but there’s always that anticipation of her showing up and torturing me with the mundane while buzzing on beer and schnapps. Christ, I know I’m being whiney but dammit, I want to get on my with life. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/64 "2008-04-18T17:41:25Z")
I could have sworn your post #23 said it was the 18th. Ah well. I assume you don’t have joint accounts anymore? Your money is going into your very own account, all by its lonesome? Please tell me you don’t have joint credit cards. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/65 "2008-04-18T17:52:26Z")
[QUOTE=ivylass] I could have sworn your post #23 said it was the 18th. Ah well. I assume you don’t have joint accounts anymore? Your money is going into your very own account, all by its lonesome? Please tell me you don’t have joint credit cards. [/QUOTE] I might’ve said the 18th but meant the 25th. I showed up at a doctor appointment a week early last Friday. D’oh. We still have our joint savings account. We both verbally agreed not to touch that until I speak with my lawyer. I know that’s risky and have thought about emptying the account and giving her half. I just don’t know. The last time I actually cohabitated with someone, we had no assets so the split was pretty easy. She and I aren’t fighting about anything currently and so far have been able to agree on who gets certain things. The thing is too, she is so incredibly concerned with her image around town that I don’t think she’d do anything to tarnish it even further. I think that’s partly why she’s being so saccharin right now. ETA: We don’t have any credit cards together. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/66 "2008-04-18T17:55:32Z")
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu] I might’ve said the 18th but meant the 25th. I showed up at a doctor appointment a week early last Friday. D’oh. We still have our joint savings account. We both verbally agreed not to touch that until I speak with my lawyer. I know that’s risky and have thought about emptying the account and giving her half. I just don’t know. The last time I actually cohabitated with someone, we had no assets so the split was pretty easy. She and I aren’t fighting about anything currently and so far have been able to agree on who gets certain things. The thing is too, she is so incredibly concerned with her image around town that I don’t think she’d do anything to tarnish it even further. I think that’s partly why she’s being so saccharin right now. [/QUOTE] Well, take advantage of it and get the attorney to write up what s/he needs to while your ex is in a cooperative mood. I suspect you won’t need to spell this out for the attorney, but you may want to. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/67 "2008-04-18T18:06:27Z")
[QUOTE=Dangerosa] Well, take advantage of it and get the attorney to write up what s/he needs to while your ex is in a cooperative mood. I suspect you won’t need to spell this out for the attorney, but you may want to. [/QUOTE] Will do. I really am champing at the bit to get this in front of my lawyer. I think the ex is not in a well state of mind right now. Let’s put it this way, if you looked up the textbook definition of Histrionic Personality Disorder, you will see my ex. Throw in the possibility of bi-polar disorder. I’ve suspected this for a long time and no, I’m not a psychiatrist but several social worker friends have made mention of this possibility in the past. I’ve seen her, in the past 4 1/2 years go through these hypomanic phases and as frustrating as they were, they didn’t cause too much disruption. She would eventually go the other way and become sort of tired and withdrawn, depressed. This is going to sound selfish and cruel but I really want her out before she crashes. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/68 "2008-04-18T18:17:19Z")
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu] Thank you. And anyone whose occupation is “sheep” is on my radar. 🙂 [/QUOTE] Aww, you noticed. _blush_ ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/69 "2008-04-18T18:46:54Z")
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu] This is going to sound selfish and cruel but I really want her out before she crashes. [/QUOTE] Why on earth is being selfish _in this situation_ something to apologize for? She has chosen to place her own pleasure above your well being. I don’t see anything wrong with hoping she’ll be completely out of your life before she hits the bottom of one of her manic swings. It is not always wrong to be selfish, after all. And let me second **Dangerosa** ’s advice: Get her to sign papers, now, delineating the various property and responsibility splits. It won’t stop someone who changes her mind a few months or years from now from going after what they have convinced themselves they deserve - but it will slow them down, and may protect you. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/70 "2008-04-18T19:16:41Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] Why on earth is being selfish _in this situation_ something to apologize for? She has chosen to place her own pleasure above your well being. I don’t see anything wrong with hoping she’ll be completely out of your life before she hits the bottom of one of her manic swings. It is not always wrong to be selfish, after all. And let me second **Dangerosa** ’s advice: Get her to sign papers, now, delineating the various property and responsibility splits. It won’t stop someone who changes her mind a few months or years from now from going after what they have convinced themselves they deserve - but it will slow them down, and may protect you. [/QUOTE] You’re right. She’s not my responsibility anymore. I plan on taking all the mortgage, equity and bank account info to the lawyer next Friday in hopes that we can figure out what I should fight for and draw up some papers then and there. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/71 "2008-04-18T19:19:26Z")
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu] I might’ve said the 18th but meant the 25th. I showed up at a doctor appointment a week early last Friday. D’oh. We still have our joint savings account. We both verbally agreed not to touch that until I speak with my lawyer. I know that’s risky and have thought about emptying the account and giving her half. I just don’t know. [/QUOTE] I would check it daily, just to make sure it’s staying at its current level. I sure as heck wouldn’t put any additional funds into it. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/72 "2008-04-18T19:25:18Z")
… ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/73 "2008-04-18T19:25:30Z")
[QUOTE=ivylass] I would check it daily, just to make sure it’s staying at its current level. I sure as heck wouldn’t put any additional funds into it. [/QUOTE] Yeah, she hasn’t touched it…I think she, as much of a nutter as she’s being right now, wouldn’t dare. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/74 "2008-04-18T20:36:02Z")
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu] Yeah, she hasn’t touched it…I think she, as much of a nutter as she’s being right now, wouldn’t dare. [/QUOTE] _cringe_ Speaking as a nutter, myself - don’t trust her! Not for any value of “dare” “reasonable” or “sensible!” I may well be doing her a disservice, here. I’ll admit that. But for the love of small cephalopods, the worst that will happen if you put that money into a separate account is some hard feelings, and frustration if she tries to take the money out, and it’s not there. Whereas the worst that could happen if you leave the money there is that she could clean it out. And getting money back from an alcoholic is notoriously difficult. Since you have agreed with her not to touch the account, can you set it up so that any withdrawals would require both of you to be present, or put it into escrow until after you’ve talked to the lawyer? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/75 "2008-04-18T20:42:34Z")
I agree with **OtakuLoki** - this is an unstable alcoholic we’re talking about here - the only thing you can count on is that she can’t be counted on. If I were you, I wouldn’t be sleeping nights knowing that she has access to my bank account. I understand you’re waiting to see your lawyer, but could you call him and ask him if there’s some way to protect your interests NOW? Like **Otaku** said, this is a whole lot easier to prevent than it will be to fix, if she does get a notion to clean you out (or if someone else gives her a notion). ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/76 "2008-04-18T20:46:02Z")
How do I put the money in escrow? ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/77 "2008-04-18T21:55:20Z")
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu] How do I put the money in escrow? [/QUOTE] The simplest thing would be to call your own bank, and explain what the situation is: You’re in the middle of a break-up with someone whom you’d had a joint account. You want to wait to separate the funds until after you’ve discussed things with a lawyer, but you want to protect the funds in the meantime. Then put the ball into their court, and see what they suggest. I suspect what they’ll say is that it will be easier, for your purposes, to make the account only accessible in person with both parties available to confirm the withdrawal than to actually set up one of their formal escrow accounts. I don’t know what sort of institution you have your money in, but my Credit Union would allow that sort of change to be enacted with a five-minute meeting with both parties present. If your bank is open tomorrow morning, try going down with your ex to set that up. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/78 "2008-04-18T22:12:31Z")
And get any documentation of any changes the bank makes in writing. I can see a situation where you get this all taken care of, and a day later a teller lets your ex clean out the account and says, 'I didn’t know!" You want the bank on the hook for that kind of mistake, not you. My mom went through this when she separated from my father; she wanted joint accounts and credit cards closed, and the bank after saying it was done let charges continue to go through. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2008, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/79 "2008-04-18T22:18:33Z")
Excellent points, **featherlou**. I keep forgetting that it’s not axiomatic for all persons to keep documentation of all such changes. How **do** non-paranoid people function? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2008, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611/80 "2008-04-19T16:41:56Z")
Paranoid? Me? It’s not paranoid if they really ARE out to get you. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-broke-up/445611.md?page=5)