# We have found a witch. May we burn her? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 29, 2000, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974 "2000-06-29T04:41:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/21 "2000-06-29T10:48:04Z")
The Knight of Camelot Song We’re knights of the round table, we dance whene’re we’re able. We do routines, and chorus scenes with footwork imp-e-cable; We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spam alot. We’re knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able But many times, we’re given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able We’re opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a-lot! In war we’re tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable, Between our quests, we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable, It’s a busy life in Camelot: (Bass-Solo): I have to push the pram-a-lot! Arthur: On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/22 "2000-06-29T11:04:42Z")
Galahad: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! Piglet: There’s no grail here… Galahad: I have seen it, I have seen it! (he runs through the curtain into another room.) I have–(suddenly he looks around, and realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their nightclothes. Some are brushing their hair, some are eating various sorts of suggestive fruits… As he passes through them, each one whispers “Hello!”. He runs out of the chamber, into a staircase, where he almost runs into…) Zoot!! Zoot: No, I am Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo. Galahad: Oh. Well, excuse me, I-- (starting to go by her down the stairs) Dingo: (standing in his way) Where are you going? Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here, in this castle! Dingo: (sudden realization) No… oh, no!! Bad, _bad_ Zoot! Galahad: What is it? Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, _naughty_ Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I’ve just remembered, is grail-shaped. It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem… Galahad: (incredibly disappointed) It’s not the real Grail!!! Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, _evil_ Zoot! (leading him back into the room with all the women in it) She is a _naughty_ person… and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and _spank_ her. Others: A spanking, a spanking!!! Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then… spank me! Others: And spank me! And me! And me! And me! Dingo: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!! Others: A spanking, a spanking, there’s going to be a spanking tonight!!! Dingo: …and after the spanking… the Oral Sex!! Others: (amid squeals of delight) The oral sex, the oral sex!!! Galahad: Well, I could stay a _bit_ longer… ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/23 "2000-06-29T12:20:00Z")
“Then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch into the midst of thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.” “Amen” ---
**Author:** ![KCB615](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ea666f/32.png) [@KCB615](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KCB615)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/24 "2000-06-29T12:23:32Z")
B: And that, my leige, is how we know the earth to be bannana shaped. A: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedivere. Explain again how sheeps’ bladders may be used to prevent earthquakes B: Certainly, sir… ---
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/25 "2000-06-29T12:28:29Z")
SisterRiddles and I learned the following with the express purpose of singing it under out breath in church and horrifying MommaRiddles. Bravely rode Sir Robin Rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, No! Brave Sir Robin! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin He was not at afraid to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken! something something something Brave Sir Robin His liver removed and his bowels unflushed… The rest gets fuzzy. Someone help me out. And no fair looking it up. I want straight Python memories here. ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/26 "2000-06-29T12:32:52Z")
Check the other Python thread! (though I shall admit I looked… I’ve only seen it once hardly enough to memorize it yet) ---
**Author:** ![Tally-Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Tally-Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tally-Ho)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/27 "2000-06-29T13:02:43Z")
CART MASTER: Bring out your dead! PEASANT: Here’s one. CART MASTER: Ninepence. DEAD PERSON: I’m not dead! CART MASTER: What? PEASANT: Nothing. Here’s your ninepence. DEAD PERSON: I’m not dead! CART MASTER: 'Ere. He says he’s not dead! PEASANT: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I’m not! CART MASTER: He isn’t? PEASANT: Well, he will be soon. He’s very ill. DEAD PERSON: I’m getting better! PEASANT: No, you’re not. You’ll be stone dead in a moment. CART MASTER: Oh, I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations. DEAD PERSON: I don’t want to go on the cart! PEASANT: Oh, don’t be such a baby. CART MASTER: I can’t take him. DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! PEASANT: Well, do us a favour. CART MASTER: I can’t. PEASANT: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t be long. CART MASTER: No, I’ve got to go to the Robinsons’. They’ve lost nine today. PEASANT: Well, when’s your next round? CART MASTER: Thursday. DEAD PERSON: I think I’ll go for a walk. PEASANT: You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn’t there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy. [BONK] PEASANT: Ah, thanks very much. CART MASTER: Not at all. See you on Thursday. PEASANT: Right. All right. [horse trots by] Who’s that, then? CART MASTER: I dunno. Must be a king. PEASANT: Why? CART MASTER: He hasn’t got shit all over him. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/28 "2000-06-29T13:10:47Z")
Some call me Tim! How do you know he’s the king? He ain’t got shit on him. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. (or was it the other way round?) ---
**Author:** ![hflathead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecb155/32.png) [@hflathead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hflathead)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/29 "2000-06-29T13:13:38Z")
Spam spam Spam SPAM Spam spam Spam SPAM Spam spam Spam SPAM And now something completely different… ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/30 "2000-06-29T13:15:07Z")
I don’t want to get married. I just want to SING! ---
**Author:** ![Redwing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dfb087/32.png) [@Redwing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Redwing)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/31 "2000-06-29T13:23:33Z")
“You killed the father of the bride” “I didn’t mean to.” “Didn’t mean to! You stuck your sword right into him” “Terribly sorry.” ---
**Author:** ![corvidae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@corvidae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corvidae)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/32 "2000-06-29T13:25:52Z")
Someone has to say it… Oh, I’m a lumberjack and I’m ok I sleep all night and I work all day I cut down trees I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra! I wish I’d been a girly, just like my dear papa! ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/33 "2000-06-29T13:37:28Z")
“This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It has gone to meet its Maker. It has rung down the final curtain and joined the bleedin’ Choir Invisible. If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch, it’d be pushin’ up the daisies by now. This is an EX-parrot!” ---
**Author:** ![Edwardina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Edwardina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edwardina)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/34 "2000-06-29T13:52:23Z")
“I fart in your general direction!” “Leave, or I will taunt you a second time!” “Run away, run away!” “Don’t you have anything without any Spam in it at all?” “Well, there’s the Spam, Spam, Spam, Eggs, Ham and Spam. That hasn’t got _much_ Spam in it . . .” ---
**Author:** ![Edwardina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Edwardina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edwardina)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/35 "2000-06-29T13:52:27Z")
“I fart in your general direction!” “Leave, or I will taunt you a second time!” “Run away, run away!” “Don’t you have anything without any Spam in it at all?” “Well, there’s the Spam, Spam, Spam, Eggs, Ham and Spam. That hasn’t got _much_ Spam in it . . .” ---
**Author:** ![Edwardina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Edwardina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edwardina)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/36 "2000-06-29T13:54:02Z")
Ooops . . . _lies down and covers her head in a gesture of self-abasement_ ---
**Author:** ![ReservoirDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8edcca/32.png) [@ReservoirDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReservoirDog)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/37 "2000-06-29T14:00:58Z")
“Someday son, all of this will be yours.” “What? The curtains?” “Now lets not bicker and argue over who killed who…” ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/38 "2000-06-29T14:20:09Z")
One… Two… Five Three, Sir! Three! ---
**Author:** ![Eggs\_a\_la\_Ted](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c68b51/32.png) [@Eggs\_a\_la\_Ted](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eggs_a_la_Ted)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/39 "2000-06-29T15:07:37Z")
**Ximinez** : Right! If that’s the way you want it – Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! Confess! Confess! Confess! **Biggles** : It doesn’t seem to be hurting her, lord. **Ximinez** : Have you got all the stuffing up one end? **Biggles** : Yes, lord. **Ximinez** : Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch…THE COMFY CHAIR! ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974/40 "2000-06-29T15:21:24Z")
“Now, you’re not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!” “O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take y-- Oh, I’m terribly sorry.” “You got my note!” “Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.” “You’ve come to rescue me!” “Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn’t–” “I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there…” [music] “Well, I–” “…there must be… someone…” “Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?” “I’m your son!” “No, not you.” “Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir.” “He’s come to rescue me, Father.” “Well, let’s not jump to conclusions.” “Did you kill all those guards?” “Uh… Oh, yes. Sorry.” “They cost fifty pounds each!” “Well, I’m awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.” “Don’t be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I’ve got a rope all ready.” “You killed eight wedding guests in all!” “Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.” “I can understand that.” “Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!” “Shut up! You only killed the bride’s father, that’s all!” “Well, I really didn’t mean to…” “Didn’t mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!” “Oh, dear. Is he all right?” “You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!” “Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see–” "Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? " “Hurry, Sir Launcelot!” “Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.” “Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country.” “Is it?” “Hurry! I’m ready!” “Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?” “Well, that-- that’s, uh, awfully nice of you,…” “I am ready!” “…um, I mean to be so understanding.” [thonk] “Um,…” [woosh] “Oooh!” “…I’m afraid when I’m in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.” "Oh, don’t worry about that. " “Oooh!” [splat] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/we-have-found-a-witch-may-we-burn-her/23974.md?page=3)