# Wedding annoyance--people who don't or won't RSVP **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 11, 2010, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397 "2010-09-11T13:11:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/81 "2010-09-15T17:46:32Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > > [@CandidGamera](#): > > > > That said, as much as people who don’t RSVP are annoying, there is a way to avoid the problem entirely. And that’s to hold events that don’t require RSVPing. > > I’m not trying to give you a hard time, I’m really trying to understand where you are coming from. > > Let’s set the matter of weddings aside for a second. Let’s say I want to hold a Super Bowl party, and I decide to invite 50 people. I follow your advice and I don’t ask guests to RSVP. How am I to determine how much beer and brats I should buy to feed my guests? Or could you be suggesting that I ask my guests to bring whatever food and drink they wish to consume for themselves? > > I’m just really not understanding your suggestion to hold events that “don’t require” RSVPing. Even without RSVPs, there needs to be some kind of planning for how to accommodate one’s guests. You hold a Super Bowl party for six people instead. By deciding to invite 50, you’ve failed to keep it informally manageable. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/82 "2010-09-15T18:13:27Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > You hold a Super Bowl party for six people instead. By deciding to invite 50, you’ve failed to keep it informally manageable. Why do you hate fun? ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/83 "2010-09-15T19:26:19Z")
# You said: Wedding annoyance–people who don’t or won’t RSVP Put a cutoff date on the RSVP. If they haven’t gotten it to you by then, then they are a no-show. And if they show up, they are a gatecrasher and shouldn’t expect to chow down with everyone else. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/84 "2010-09-15T19:57:39Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > > [@CandidGamera](#): > > > > You hold a Super Bowl party for six people instead. By deciding to invite 50, you’ve failed to keep it informally manageable. > > Why do you hate fun? So you were being disingenuous here : [QUOTE=Ravenman] I’m not trying to give you a hard time, I’m really trying to understand where you are coming from. [/quote] Good to know. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/85 "2010-09-15T21:45:27Z")
I was asking serious questions before. Later, I cracked a joke. I fully understand that the occasional use of humor may count against me on my permanent record. I’m a rebel that way, and it’s a risk I’m willing to take. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/86 "2010-09-15T21:57:07Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > > [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > > > This is correct. If you are invited, send a gift. > > Incorrect. Gifts are not obligatory at a wedding, whether you attend or not. No shit, you mean they aren’t going to throw me in prison if I don’t send a present?:rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/87 "2010-09-15T22:08:44Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > > [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > > > This is correct. If you are invited, send a gift. > > I’m getting married soon\*. Please send me your address, so I may send you an invite, because then you are obligated to send a gift. > > \*No I’m not. And you are obligated to provide a place for me at your wedding and reception. If anyone would like to google “Wedding present etiquette” and notice what virtually every published source in the subject has to say, feel free. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/88 "2010-09-15T22:10:31Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > > [@Hello\_Again](#): > > > > Incorrect. Gifts are not obligatory at a wedding, whether you attend or not. > > No shit, you mean they aren’t going to throw me in prison if I don’t send a present?:rolleyes: Oh for heaven’s sake. All we’re telling you is that it’s not expected, nor is it considered “proper etiquette” to send one for if you’re not going to attend. I thought you’d be glad to know that, frankly, but whatever. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/89 "2010-09-15T22:16:06Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > If anyone would like to google Wedding present etiquette" and notice whT virtually every published source in the subject has to say, feel free. From [Miss Manners](http://www.newsnet5.com/dpp/lifestyle/relationships/don%E2%80%99t-know-what-to-do%3F-miss-manners-tackles-wedding-gift-etiquette,-early-party-arrivers1273755954846), second reply: > [@](#): > > GENTLE READER – Those among whom you grew up were generous but misinformed. If you find this disillusioning, Miss Manners notes that at least it will save you money. > > Getting married does not grant people license to distribute bills to those who are minding their business. A wedding invitation is merely an offer of hospitality. > > As such, it must be answered, one way or the other, and it should also prompt a letter wishing the couple happiness. > > There is nothing wrong with also sending a present, but that is certainly not required. [Dear Abby](http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20080713), last reply: > [@](#): > > DEAR SEEKING: An invitation is not an obligation. Buying wedding gifts for many couples every year could take a serious bite out of someone’s income. That’s why you should attend only the weddings of students to whom you feel a closeness, and base your gift on how much you can afford. > > For those couples whose weddings you choose not to attend, send a lovely card with a note of congratulations along with your regrets. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/90 "2010-09-15T22:21:45Z")
> [@Beadalin](#): > > > [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > > > No shit, you mean they aren’t going to throw me in prison if I don’t send a present?:rolleyes: > > Oh for heaven’s sake. All we’re telling you is that it’s not expected, nor is it considered “proper etiquette” to send one for if you’re not going to attend. I thought you’d be glad to know that, frankly, but whatever. Glad to know that you’re as wrong as you could possibly be? [Cite](http://www.smartmoney.com/spending/deals/the-wedding-gift-etiquette-guide-23264/) [Cite](http://www.weddingclipart.com/guide/wedding-gifts/Wedding-Gift-Etiquette.html) [Cite](http://www.weddingbasics.com/blog/article.asp?SUBJ=Wedding+Guest+and+Gift+Etiquette&Key=793) [Cite](http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/weddinggifteti_sifa.htm) [Cite](http://www.beau-coup.com/gift_giving_etiquette.htm) It is considered proper etiquette to send a gift, even if unable to attend the ceremony. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/91 "2010-09-15T22:22:17Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > > [@Eva\_Luna](#): > > > > Do you seriously think it’s OK just never to let people who have invited you to something, whatever the event, know what’s going on? Remind me never to invite you to anything. > > I’m going to have to assume you’re not reading my posts. I clearly and repeatedly have said to RSVP. I’m reading your posts just fine. You are basically telling me that I should just lower my already not terribly high expectations for the close family members and friends who I considered important enough to me to invite to my wedding (or whatever other event I happen to be planning). Sorry, not gonna happen. Without basic courtesies like responding to a sincere invitation, society becomes even more dysfunctional, and I don’t plan to enable that. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/92 "2010-09-15T22:25:57Z")
> [@Beadalin](#): > > > [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > > > If anyone would like to google Wedding present etiquette" and notice whT virtually every published source in the subject has to say, feel free. > > From [Miss Manners](http://www.newsnet5.com/dpp/lifestyle/relationships/don%E2%80%99t-know-what-to-do%3F-miss-manners-tackles-wedding-gift-etiquette,-early-party-arrivers1273755954846), second reply: > [Dear Abby](http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20080713), last reply: > > > [@](#): > > > > DEAR SEEKING: An invitation is not an obligation. Buying wedding gifts for many couples every year could take a serious bite out of someone’s income. That’s why you should attend only the weddings of students to whom you feel a closeness, and base your gift on how much you can afford. > > > > For those couples whose weddings you choose not to attend, send a lovely card with a note of congratulations along with your regrets. Abby was responding to someone who asked whether or not they should spend the same amount on every present they send. Nobody is claiming that you will be shot on site if you refuse to send a present. It isn’t “required”, and nobody can force you to send a gift, but it is considered proper etiquette. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/93 "2010-09-15T22:54:43Z")
CITE BATTLE! Pew pew pew! You know, I think I might start a poll about this, to see how other people view this. It’s not really on-topic for this thread, anyway. See you in IMHO at some point, I hope. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/94 "2010-09-15T23:00:34Z")
> [@Beadalin](#): > > > [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > > > No shit, you mean they aren’t going to throw me in prison if I don’t send a present?:rolleyes: > > Oh for heaven’s sake. All we’re telling you is that it’s not expected, nor is it considered “proper etiquette” to send one for if you’re not going to attend. I thought you’d be glad to know that, frankly, but whatever. > [@Beadalin](#): > > CITE BATTLE! Pew pew pew! > > You know, I think I might start a poll about this, to see how other people view this. It’s not really on-topic for this thread, anyway. See you in IMHO at some point, I hope. No biggie. I can agree to disagree on this one. Cheers. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/95 "2010-09-15T23:14:43Z")
I think some were missing the point **CandidGamera** was trying to make …he meant to never send out written invitations that require an RSVP. He felt you should personally call everyone on the list, or talk to them face to face, and get your answer immediately. As as to the gift dilemma? I go by Miss Manners and all the other classic etiquette people…not these newcomers who are trying to rewrite the rules to make greedy brides and stores that make money on gift registries happy! ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/96 "2010-09-16T00:13:50Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > I think some were missing the point **CandidGamera** was trying to make …he meant to never send out written invitations that require an RSVP. He felt you should personally call everyone on the list, or talk to them face to face, and get your answer immediately. That’s not so feasible for something like a wedding; our guest list was a hair short of 100, which isn’t huge, even, and it still spanned a range of 11 time zones and involved a lot of people who are hard to catch up with. And that was without inviting any relatives further out than first cousins, and just a handful of friends. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/97 "2010-09-16T00:53:04Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > I think some were missing the point **CandidGamera** was trying to make …he meant to never send out written invitations that require an RSVP. He felt you should personally call everyone on the list, or talk to them face to face, and get your answer immediately. Might work for some situations- it won’t always. Even if I’m calling my two sisters, my brother and my two sisters-in-law to invite them and their families over for dinner next Saturday, chances are no one will be able to give me an immediate definite answer and there will be a second phone call involved. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/98 "2010-09-16T00:55:38Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > I think some were missing the point **CandidGamera** was trying to make …he meant to never send out written invitations that require an RSVP. He felt you should personally call everyone on the list, or talk to them face to face, and get your answer immediately. > > As as to the gift dilemma? I go by Miss Manners and all the other classic etiquette people…not these newcomers who are trying to rewrite the rules to make greedy brides and stores that make money on gift registries happy! Emily post was born in the 1870s. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/99 "2010-09-16T01:04:58Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > > [@etv78](#): > > > > I thought, even if you didn’t attend, you ARE supposed to send a gift. > > This is correct. If you are invited, send a gift. It’s not exactly that you are supposed to send a gift if you are invited- after all, you might be receive a completely inappropriate invitation and decline. This would not trigger any obligation to send a gift. However, if you would normally attend your niece’s wedding and give her a gift as a token of your love and affection , but cannot attend for some reason , you should still give her the gift. Presumably , you still feel love and affection for her even though you cannot attend, and the gift is not the price of admission to the party. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397/100 "2010-09-16T01:10:20Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > > [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > > > This is correct. If you are invited, send a gift. > > It’s not exactly that you are supposed to send a gift if you are invited- after all, you might be receive a completely inappropriate invitation and decline. This would not trigger any obligation to send a gift. However, if you would normally attend your niece’s wedding and give her a gift as a token of your love and affection , but cannot attend for some reason , you should still give her the gift. Presumably , you still feel love and affection for her even though you cannot attend, and the gift is not the price of admission to the party. Agreed. All etiquette “rules” are just guidelines to follow when typical scenarios arise. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-annoyance-people-who-dont-or-wont-rsvp/553397.md?page=6)