# Wedding ettiquette question **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 3, 2008, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205 "2008-07-03T17:12:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/1 "2008-07-03T17:12:43Z")
Is a groomsman expected to give a gift? It’s my son, and he’s pretty broke. He paid for his share of the bachelor party, which was an all day offshore fishing trip. And he has to travel to the wedding in another town and get a hotel room, as well as pay for his tux. (I think it’s a rental, but it was tailored and cost him over $150.) All of his expenses make me wonder if that is his “gift.” (Also, he knows he will receive a gift because he’s in the wedding party. I don’t know if that means anything to what is expected from him.) Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/2 "2008-07-03T17:21:33Z")
Do you mean “give a gift” as in, “Bring a present to the wedding for the newly married couple to give them a start on their new lives together and signify his approval and acceptance of their union, just like everybody else?” I’d say, “Yeah”. ETA: Doesn’t have to be, like, a toaster oven or something. A Target gift card for $20 in a nice card will be just fine for an impoverished groomsman. It’s the thought that counts. The expenses he went through in order to participate in the wedding itself don’t count as a “gift”, IMO. ETA: And of course, bearing in mind that I’m old-fashioned… ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/3 "2008-07-03T17:30:16Z")
I’ll be even more old fashioned. A person is never obligated to bring a gift. However, it is traditional for guests to bring gifts for weddings. In this case, he should consider doing something “free” - i.e. a “I know you guys are going to build a deck - here is a gift certificate for a weekend of another pair of hands.” Homecooked meal. Dog sitting while they vacation. Moving help. Painting. For our wedding a good friend of ours took us to his family cabin - it was one of the nicest (and most valuable) gifts we got - and cost him nothing. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/4 "2008-07-03T17:30:56Z")
I think he has to give them at least a card, wishing the couple well and expressing his pleasure that he was part of their special day. If he could swing a gift card as **DDG** mentioned, that would be nice. But the letter of the law (as it were) is that gifts aren’t to be _expected_ from anyone. Any gifts should certainly be within reasonable means for the giver. If “reasonable means” is simply a thoughtful card from your son … that’s fine as well. Edit – I agree with **Dangerosa** that “reasonable means” might also be a service he provides to them. I think this is separate from the costs of being a member of the wedding party. That isn’t a gift. I’m sure it _feels_ that way to your son when he looks at his bank balance, but it’s not a gift. ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/5 "2008-07-03T17:37:24Z")
Ok. Sounds reasonable! They’re in another town, so a “service” might not be feasible, but some gesture is the norm. That’s what I meant by “expected,” what is traditional. A gift card and a nice greeting card will be fine, I’m sure. ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/6 "2008-07-03T17:37:40Z")
Yes, he should bring a gift. Something thoughtful and heartfelt doesn’t necessarily have to be expensive. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/7 "2008-07-03T17:39:00Z")
[QUOTE=Dangerosa] In this case, he should consider doing something “free” - i.e. a “I know you guys are going to build a deck - here is a gift certificate for a weekend of another pair of hands.” Homecooked meal. Dog sitting while they vacation. Moving help. Painting. For our wedding a good friend of ours took us to his family cabin - it was one of the nicest (and most valuable) gifts we got - and cost him nothing. [/QUOTE] I think this is a great suggestion. And truthfully I wish we hadn’t gotten so much stuff for our wedding anyway. Lots of it is still down in the basement. Something like this would have been much more welcome than, say, the wooden tray we got that needs to be oiled every time you use it or the brass rooster (what am I supposed to do with that, anyway?). But to the OP, yeah, even the wedding party are usually expected to give gifts. Okay, they shouldn’t be expected to as Dangerosa noted, but it’s traditional that they do, so it will probably be a surprise if something isn’t offered as a token. Something free seems ideal (heck, maybe he can help them figure out where to putt all their new stuff while they’re gone?). ---
**Author:** ![burundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@burundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burundi)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/8 "2008-07-03T17:40:05Z")
No one _has_ to give a gift. But it would be thoughtful for him to give the couple a gift within his means. Thoughts: a book he loves that he thinks they would both enjoy; a framed picture of the three of them hanging out; a bottle of wine; a donation to a charity they like in their honor. I seriously doubt the friends are going be upset or even notice if he doesn’t get them anything, but it would be a nice thing for him to do. ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/9 "2008-07-03T17:48:58Z")
One of the things I cherish most from our wedding were the pictures my guests took and passed on to us. It’s a whole different perspective than what a professional photographer would provide (and in our case, ours sucked, and missed a LOT of pictures that, thank goodness our friends managed to get). So perhaps he could take a bunch of pictures and then put them in a photo album. He could dress them up with those comment bubble stickers, which are so funny! I guarantee the couple would love that. ---
**Author:** ![yellowval](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/919ad9/32.png) [@yellowval](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowval)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/10 "2008-07-03T18:21:39Z")
Is he friends with any of the other groomsmen? I was in a wedding a few years ago and pretty strapped for cash because of all the expenses but didn’t want to get a “cheap” gift. Another bridesmaid and I pooled our resources and were able to get a nicer item off the couple’s registry. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/11 "2008-07-03T22:10:23Z")
Other gifts we got that didn’t cost an arm and a leg: Picture frames (after the wedding, apparently everyone needs picture frames!) Bottles of wine (I think we got seven bottles of wine for our wedding - none of them really expensive bottles) and my favorite Nerf guns - with a very nice note that said “we hope your marriage is always happy and you never fight, but when you do, we recommend using these.” ETA: We also got action figures, and a very rare Magic: The Gathering card. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2008, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/12 "2008-07-03T22:15:18Z")
[QUOTE=Shayna] One of the things I cherish most from our wedding were the pictures my guests took and passed on to us. It’s a whole different perspective than what a professional photographer would provide (and in our case, ours sucked, and missed a LOT of pictures that, thank goodness our friends managed to get). So perhaps he could take a bunch of pictures and then put them in a photo album. He could dress them up with those comment bubble stickers, which are so funny! I guarantee the couple would love that. [/QUOTE] We did something similar for a friend of ours - we “staged” a bunch of pictures of his friends (her friends, willing relatives) - “groomsmen taking a leak in the bathroom” (wedding party in front of urinals). “Bridesmaids passed on our 18th green” (wedding was at a country club). “Nephew trying to peek under guests dress” ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/13 "2008-07-04T12:21:51Z")
Thanks for all the suggestions. Since he was leaving to go to the wedding yesterday, we went the easy route and went to Wally World and got a gift card, that will be from me and him. I’ve known the kid forever, too. It had a picture of two wedding rings on it. And a real pretty card. At least he won’t be empty handed and feel awkward! I’ve never been in a wedding, and only ever attended one (besides my own.) What do I know of etiquette? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tabula\_Rasa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9adbd/32.png) [@Tabula\_Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabula_Rasa)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-ettiquette-question/455205/14 "2008-07-04T17:36:13Z")
[QUOTE=Shayna] He could dress them up with those comment bubble stickers, which are so funny! I guarantee the couple would love that. [/QUOTE] Eww.