# wedding or kids dance recital **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 28, 2012, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259 "2012-04-28T19:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![geddylee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/45deac/32.png) [@geddylee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/geddylee)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/1 "2012-04-28T19:10:36Z")
hi there, I know this might have been asked before and maybe i am over thinking this. My girls, ages 6 and 9, have a dance recital the same saturday every year since they were toddlers. My cousin (out of state) is getting married next year (no kids invited) and has picked this day. She was only going to have a maid of honor but has now asked my sister and I to be in her wedding party. My husband is asking me why i feel so bad! I love my cousin but i spend the whole year taking my girls back and forth to dance 3, 4 times a week for the end product of seeing them on stage for one day. i know there will be more dance recitals and I know i have to go to the wedding. my husband will stay back and take them to the recital. just wondering if you would do the same! ---
**Author:** ![Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58956e/32.png) [@Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emtar_KronJonDerSohn)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/2 "2012-04-28T19:14:04Z")
I’d go to the recital. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/3 "2012-04-28T19:21:56Z")
Didn’t Dear Prudence address this very issue last year? ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/4 "2012-04-28T19:29:02Z")
I would probably go to the wedding, only to see aunts and uncles and grandparents who may not bethere for the next family wedding. However, I would be miserable doing it! Not at the wedding, however, I’d be fine. But going to and from … And if I chose the recital, and there were people I didn’t see again, I’d wonder why I chose the recital when I knew there would be many more. So really, like many of my decisions, I would second-guess myself forever. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/5 "2012-04-28T19:31:14Z")
We had a thread awhile back with an IDENTICAL dilemma! ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/6 "2012-04-28T19:44:53Z")
Wedding. Sorry kids, but you will [probably] be around next year, but weddings are a [mostly] once in a life event that you can also see aging relatives one last time before they [possibly] die. ---
**Author:** ![geddylee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/45deac/32.png) [@geddylee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/geddylee)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/7 "2012-04-28T19:58:40Z")
I saw that post but that was about a grandmother not going to her granddaughters recital. These are my kids. Its different.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/8 "2012-04-28T20:10:44Z")
In this case, if it were my kids and my cousin, recital. Had my kids been invited, it might be different, because we wouldn’t do the recital and I’d watch them dance at the wedding. But I have lots of cousins, none of whom I’m close to any longer at 40. And lots of extended relatives, again, at this point, I really don’t care too much if I don’t see aunts and uncles I don’t make an effort to see who don’t make an effort to see me. There will be fewer recitals than you think there will be. And each one is precious (says the mother of a twelve and thirteen year old who are starting to outgrow all that sort of stuff - I still get at least one more year of band and choir concerts, and I think I’ll get baseball games through high school, but baseball games are twenty a year, not one. ) Kids grow up so fast. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/9 "2012-04-28T20:16:10Z")
I voted wedding. The fact that you’ve been asked to be in the bridal party cinched it for me. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/10 "2012-04-28T20:27:01Z")
Personally i hate weddings and would thrilled to have such a perfect excuse. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/11 "2012-04-28T20:34:19Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > We had a thread awhile back with an IDENTICAL dilemma! [If it’s the same one I’m thinking of, it’s close](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=609707): > [@Which event would you choose in this family situation?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/1): > > I have two family members basically at war with each other right now over this. I am only tangentially involved but am wondering if there’s a general consensus about who is right. > > I am going to lay out the situation in pretty basic terms but will provide as much clarifying info as people need to make the choice. > > OK: You have been invited to two events that occur on the same day, within an hour or two of each other. One is your 3-year-old granddaughter’s annual dance recital. The other is your nephew’s wedding. > > Which do you choose to go to? and then a bit later… > [@Which event would you choose in this family situation?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-event-would-you-choose-in-this-family-situation/583006/5): > > OK, I’ll provide a bit more info. > > The grandparent in this situation is my mom. My sister is the one whose kid has the dance recital. She actually has two girls, both in dance, but the dance studio is so huge that they break up the recital into different times. My mom is able to make it to the 5-year-old’s recital earlier in the morning, but has opted to skip the 3-year-old’s recital in favor of going to her nephew’s wedding. > > My sister is _insane with rage_ about this. She is claiming that my mom has “chosen her nephew over her grandchild” and is considering disinviting my mom from both girls’ recitals due to what she perceives as a massive slap in the face. I tried calmly explaining to her that a wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime thing and that I’m sure this was a tough choice for our mom to make, and her response was “Yeah, so he wins. surprise.” > > I think I am quietly disengaging from the whole thing at this point. My mom and sister are just going to have to duke it out. I’m sort of glad I’m not involved this time but also sort of wishing that I had a family that didn’t have nuclear meltdowns every six months or so. (ARE there families like that?) I wonder how that one worked out… ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/12 "2012-04-28T20:40:39Z")
I think it really depends on how close you are to your cousin and her immediate family. You don’t have to go, even if you were asked to be a bridesmaid. That said, if I were close enough to ask someone to be a bridesmaid, and they said no because it was their kid’s dance recital, then I would probably be upset and assume that person isn’t as close to me as I thought. On the other other hand, if I absolutely had to have this person at my wedding then I would find a way to invite their kids. If I didn’t invite kids then I wouldn’t be hugely surprised if someone with a 6 and 9 year old in another state told me the logistics just weren’t working out and they couldn’t make it. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/13 "2012-04-28T21:17:14Z")
Wedding, definitely. There will be other dance recitals. If you’re close enough to be asked to be a bridesmaid (assuming you actually are close enough) then you’re close enough to want to celebrate this special day with them, I’d think. Not to mention all the other people you only see at weddings and funerals. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/14 "2012-04-28T21:26:53Z")
> [@Rhythmdvl](#): > > [If it’s the same one I’m thinking of, it’s close](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=609707): > and then a bit later… > I wonder how that one worked out… Thanks for the link! That’s what I was refering to. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/15 "2012-04-28T21:31:22Z")
> [@Rhythmdvl](#): > > I wonder how that one worked out… I _think_ my mom skipped both recitals to go to the wedding (she may have only missed the second one, can’t remember now) and my sister was predictably insane with rage. They currently aren’t speaking, but not because of that specific incident. Their whole relationship is, shall we say, rocky. In the case described by the OP, I’d go with the dance recital unless this were cousin she’s particularly close to. If it’s a distant relative, then no. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/16 "2012-04-28T23:47:47Z")
Since your kids are not invited to the “family” wedding, I say go to the recital. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/17 "2012-04-28T23:50:59Z")
> [@Rhythmdvl](#): > > [If it’s the same one I’m thinking of, it’s close](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=609707): Thanks for that. I guess I’ll stop reading back columns of Dear Prudence trying to find it, then. [sub]Gosh, she gives awful advice sometimes. Take your 15 year old kid to a shrink because you think he’s got a latex fetish because you caught him masturbating with gloves on? [/sub] Carry on! ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2012, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/18 "2012-04-28T23:58:23Z")
I voted “Wedding” in the last thread, for a couple of reasons - A “kids welcome” wedding, vs a 3-year-old’s dance recital… The 3yo is not going to remember who was and wasn’t there at that recital. Plus it was Grandma, mom and dad were still going to her recital. I’d say recital this time for a couple of reasons. One, because kids aren’t invited - so if you do go to the wedding, your kids aren’t welcome there. Which is certainly the wedding party’s privilege to request, but it does mean certain people may not be able to make it and they have to accept that. Two because 6 is definitely old enough to remember who was there or not, but not quite old enough to grasp the logic of why mom missed this recital - especially if it was to go to a party she wasn’t invited to. The 9yo may understand, but I can only imagine she’d be disappointed as well. If you were ultra-close-best-friends and your cousin wanted you to be her maid of honour, then I’d change my mind again, but if she’s just asking for numbers to bolster the wedding party… Eh. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2012, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/19 "2012-04-29T00:00:53Z")
I voted recital. But then I was never all that close with any of my cousins. In fact, even if there was no recital, I’d opt out of the wedding because the kids weren’t invited. If I was very close to this particular cousin, then I’d probably pick wedding over recital, knowing that the recital will probably be recorded by at least one person who would share a copy. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2012, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259/20 "2012-04-29T01:03:27Z")
Recital. Mostly because you the wedding is no kids – seriously, who does that these days? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-or-kids-dance-recital/620259.md?page=2)