# Wedding party, Party. (question about modern weddings) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 6, 2026, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613 "2026-10-06T04:35:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/21 "2026-10-06T15:48:24Z")
Tee hee. I asked my daughter, do I need to pack your lunch? That’s when she told me about the rehearsal dinner “cold plate”. I seriously never heard that term in association with a plated dinner. I can see where it’s easier to prep ahead. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/22 "2026-10-06T16:01:07Z")
In my world, the parties are often the evening before the wedding. My fiance joked that his best man was supposed to get him drunk enough that he couldn’t back out. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/23 "2026-10-06T16:12:21Z")
I wonder what the groom and his guys will be doing the night before the wedding? While the sleepover is happening. I can see this getting real silly. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/24 "2026-10-06T16:33:03Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > A sleepover of the bridesmaids the night before? Jeez, I can just hear the bridesmaids now: “Christ what is this? Didn’t we do this shit in middle school? Well, if it makes Janie happy, then okay, but I don’t like it.” > > In other words, the bride is planning a wedding, but she is not planning for a marriage. There’s going to come a day after tomorrow, Janie, and it’s not going to involve you. Planning a wedding and planning for a marriage are two entirely different things. Hell, I don’t know how much you _can_ plan for a marriage, because life can take a lot of twists and turns. What you _can_ do is: do what you can to make sure that your partner is the right person for you to go through those twists and turns with. Do you enjoy each other’s company? Do you trust and respect each other? Do you have shared or compatible values, goals, world view? That’s what gets you through the day after tomorrow. Can’t see how a bridesmaid sleepover before the wedding is gonna mess any of that up. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/25 "2026-10-06T16:37:48Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I was responding to @muldoonthief ‘s contention that @Spoons was blaming his would-be bride and their non-wedding for his own marriage misgivings. As usual, somebody snuck in while I was ~~posting~~ blathering incessantly, so the sequence of back and forth was obscured by others’ post(s). I’m not questioning Spoons personal experience at all. I am suggesting that his own experience has affected his own perceptions - IMHO the jump from “having a sleepover for the bridesmaids” to “she’s not planning for the marriage” is quite a long one. ---
**Author:** ![LavenderMagnolia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/2bfe46/32.png) [@LavenderMagnolia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderMagnolia)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/26 "2026-10-06T17:08:22Z")
About eight or nine years ago, I used to see some maid of honor and bridesmaid “proposal” photos on social media. The bride-to-be “proposes” to the friends who she wants to have in those roles. Sometimes she organizes a lunch/dinner party for it. These seem to be much less popular now - I wonder if many people saw it as silly. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/27 "2026-10-06T18:12:33Z")
Miss Manners has a thoughtful and timely [column today](https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2026/10/06) (second letter) about metastasizing wedding events: > [@](#): > > […] Why do couples even want big, expensive weddings, when the events no longer mark important changes in their lives? > > Time was, weddings changed things dramatically. The newlyweds took up residence together. The bride changed her surname. Any children they had would be recognized by the law. > > Now, one can no longer assume that life is any different for bridal couples after the wedding than it was before. They already live together. She may not change her name. They may already have children. > > And yet weddings are bigger and splashier than ever. > > Miss Manners attributes this, in part, to the almost mandatory casualness of today’s lifestyles. Weddings may be the only occasions when adults can experience the stylistic lavishness they ogle when watching awards shows. > > For once relieved of the general requirement of condemning formality as elitist, they discover that dressing up is actually fun. But they have to cram it all into one occasion, which explains why brides have taken to scheduling dress changes during the course of the day. […] > > But perhaps the biggest reason is the opposite of what Miss Manners had thought. Perhaps it is exactly because there are not such changes in their everyday lives that a major occasion is required to celebrate and to make public the fact that there actually is a difference between being married and not. > > What Miss Manners fails to understand is why anyone would begrudge them that. It’s true that the individual social calendar is no longer such a major feature of life as it used to be (for one thing, the women who used to support and maintain those social calendars for their families are now all out working). People do much less home entertaining, there are fewer regular community social events like dances and bridge clubs, and friend groups tend to be much more geographically fragmented as their individual lives move on. So it’s very understandable that on what the bride may consider possibly the last opportunity to get all her girlfriends together for socializing, she would want to cram in the girlfriend-partying as well as the wedding events. Or, I don’t know, maybe this bride sees her friends all the time anyway and she’s just having a pre-wedding bridesmaid sleepover because she read in a bridal magazine that you’re supposed to. Whatever. Anyway, in general I agree with Miss Manners that for whatever reason, a lot of what used to be considered routine social events are now getting offloaded onto wedding planning. You don’t just host a dinner for your social circle as a regular thing anymore, but you’ll give a rehearsal dinner or a post-wedding brunch or something like that. I’m all for whatever kinds and amounts of wedding-extravaganza fun the hosts want to throw at their guests, but I also love plain old no-occasion home entertaining, and I’m sorry that there’s less of it these days. @Beckdawrek, maybe encourage Lil’wrekker to have grown-up girlfriend sleepovers from time to time for no reason at all except fun, and then she won’t have to try to stuff all her friend socializing into wedding events! 🥰 ---
**Author:** ![Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/q.q.switcheroo/32/5713_2.png) [@Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.Q.Switcheroo)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/28 "2026-10-06T18:29:14Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > [quoting Miss Manners] Perhaps it is exactly because there are not such changes in their everyday lives that a major occasion is required to celebrate and to make public the fact that there actually is a difference between being married and not. This has been true of Bar and Bat Mitzvah parties for about 80 years. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/29 "2026-10-06T18:44:28Z")
I have a friend who threw a big destination wedding at a near-to-her destination. She said she had a blast, and the only part that was really stressful was the wedding itself. So she’s been throwing a destination party for all her friends at the same place every year since. Most of us pay what it costs to attend. We have access to a small kitchen, and “guests” cook breakfast to key the costs down. Some of the meals are takeout, also organized by guests through a big spreadsheet where you can volunteer for stuff. Friends bring games and model rockets. The venue provides a lake, boats, a pool, and a hot tub. It’s a weekend off hanging out with “friends of friend”. I usually attend, it’s a lot of fun. The original wedding was… Maybe 15 years ago? ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/30 "2026-10-06T20:03:51Z")
I will thank Miss Manners, I don’t begrudge the bride and her choices. Heck, it’s her choice. I just never heard of it around here. I fully prepared to say I’m way outta the loop on modern weddings. Just wanted to hear funny stories about weddings they’ve seen. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/31 "2026-10-06T20:18:09Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Just wanted to hear funny stories about weddings they’ve seen. Coulda mentioned that in the O.P. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/32 "2026-10-06T20:43:21Z")
> [@Q.Q.Switcheroo](#): > > This has been true of Bar and Bat Mitzvah parties for about 80 years. Good point, there’s not a hell of a lot of actual transition to adulthood happening at the traditional Bat/Bar Mitzvah age of 12 or 13, in most cases. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/33 "2026-10-06T21:13:47Z")
I feel safe in assuming everyone knows about my posting style. My rules are a lot looser than the Dope overall. I expect every one to be civil and everyone has heard of a weird wedding thing, they might wanna offer. If not. Well why did you open the thread? But I will try and amend my OPs from this moment forward. TyFYO. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/34 "2026-10-06T21:36:20Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > If not. Well why did you open the thread? Because you asked a few questions in your OP. Thought maybe you wanted answers. My bad. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/35 "2026-10-06T22:15:17Z")
My wife’s best friend and maid of honor stayed at our place the night before the wedding. We wanted to spend the night apart, so I got the bedroom while the two of them camped out in the living room and watched chick flicks. Does that count as a sleepover? ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2026, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/36 "2026-10-06T23:55:12Z")
@Kimstu , she has plenty of funzies with girlfriends. I just think it’s me. I don’t think spending the night with bride before the wedding day was common practice a few years ago. Eh. Maybe I’m wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2026, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/37 "2026-10-07T02:59:17Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I don’t think spending the night with bride before the wedding day was common practice a few years ago. Not a few years ago, maybe, but a while before that. In the days before bridal parties routinely got blocks of hotel rooms and brides tended to be married from their own homes at their own local church, odds are that if a bride had a married sister or far-flung friend coming to be a bridesmaid, she’d share the bride’s bedroom under her parental roof just like on any other visit. (And other local bridesmaids would often do the same for other non-local bridesmaids.) Not specifically advertised as a girlfriends’ sleepover party with all of the bride’s party in the same room, but a lot of staying up too late talking and giggling nonetheless got done. If modern bridal couples are trying to bring back some of that traditional experience of sharing wedding preparation and anticipation with their friends, even if it’s only for one night in a hotel room (and even if the traditional wistful excitement/trepidation about the prospect of the bride very soon cohabiting with her bridegroom instead of her girlfriends has completely disappeared), I say more power to them. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2026, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/38 "2026-10-07T04:23:05Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Good point, there’s not a hell of a lot of actual transition to adulthood happening at the traditional Bat/Bar Mitzvah age of 12 or 13, in most cases. I dunno. It snowed during my daughter’s bat mitzvah. We drive home and she said, “i guess it’s my responsibility to help clear the driveway, not that I’m an adult”. We treated it as a transition. That’s when we stopped telling the kids what to wear to events, and instead just told them what was expected. Things like that. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2026, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/39 "2026-10-07T04:33:31Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > she said, “i guess it’s my responsibility to help clear the driveway, **not** that I’m an adult”. Emphasis added. Looks like you maybe got a [Printer’s Error](https://allpoetry.com/Printer's-Error-) there? 😉 Anyway, I hear what you’re saying and it’s nice, but of course that sort of shift in family dynamic has little impact at the legal or otherwise societal level. I guess it can be interpreted as **starting** the long transition to adulthood, rather than actually achieving it, but originally ISTM it was a far more life-altering milestone. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2026, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613/40 "2026-10-07T04:34:29Z")
Yeah, she said, “now”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/wedding-party-party-question-about-modern-weddings/1033613.md?page=1)