# Weeds. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 3, 2004, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806 "2004-12-03T00:15:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/1 "2004-12-03T00:15:26Z")
GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING GOAT FELTCHING SHIT LICKING PISS SWILLING PUSS SUCKING DONKEY HUMPING PIECE OF CRAP NO GOOD DISGUSTING PARASITE WEEDS!!! pISS SHIT FUCKfFUfU CK fUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I hate weeds I am so sick of fucking weeds! I am sick of pulling out of the ground of the thousands of new ones that sprout for every old one pulled.! I hate that it takes forever to pull them and that it feels like you have got nothing done while the grit of dirt on your fingers knaws at you like finger nails on a chalkboard. I say fuck them all. I say drench the fucking garden with round-up then burn it all just burn it all. SO what if the good plants are dead just so lon g as the weeds are taken with them to hell where they berlong. FUCKING FUCK SHIT FUC\ **Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/2 "2004-12-03T00:22:08Z") I’d suggest a Weed-whacker, or something of that sort, but in your current mood… 😉 Why not ask a neighbourhood kid to weed your garden for x amount of dollars? ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/3 "2004-12-03T00:22:49Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > I’d suggest a Weed-whacker, or something of that sort, but in your current mood… 😉 > > Why not ask a neighbourhood kid to weed your garden for x amount of dollars? RIght now I am the neighbor kid doing a favor for one of my moms friends. ---
**Author:** ![Mayfield\_St.Cloud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/67e7ee/32.png) [@Mayfield\_St.Cloud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mayfield_St.Cloud)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/4 "2004-12-03T00:23:38Z")
A _weed_ rant? In December? Well, someones got to say it… Hoe, hoe, hoe. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/5 "2004-12-03T00:24:26Z")
> [@Muad'Dib](#): > > RIght now I am the neighbor kid doing a favor for one of my moms friends. In that case… …how about some lemonade? _offers a glass_ ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/6 "2004-12-03T00:32:48Z")
Well, **Muad’Dib** _is_ a desert creature… …sorry, I just had to say it… ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/7 "2004-12-03T00:35:06Z")
Come stay with me. I guarantee you won’t see anything green for four months. ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/8 "2004-12-03T01:45:41Z")
Don’t hold back, dude, tell us how you really feel. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/9 "2004-12-03T01:57:14Z")
I took care of my weed frustration by becoming an herbalist. Now I just get excited when I see weeds and I pick them and eat them. Of course, my husband won’t go for walks with me anymore because I pick all the neighbors’ weeds to bring home and tincture, which he says is embarrassing, so YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Enginerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bcef8e/32.png) [@Enginerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enginerd)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/10 "2004-12-03T02:07:27Z")
What part of California are you in? Some parts of the state have a huge noxious weed problem - you can clear a spot until there’s nothing but bare soil, and they’ll pop right up as soon as you turn your back. ---
**Author:** ![TheOtherOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@TheOtherOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheOtherOne)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/11 "2004-12-03T05:13:06Z")
I just gotta say that this is a _great_ Pit thread…Haven’t seen anyone really flip out like that in a while. Good to know that there’s still some energy left around here, what with all the rational thought and all that 😃 Oh yeah, and try gasoline on the weeds. And the house. And the mail box. And on whatever else makes you flip out 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/12 "2004-12-03T05:33:24Z")
Some of the weeds that grow like wildfire in my yard (and which my wife orders me to destroy) look better than the plants. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/13 "2004-12-03T05:38:47Z")
> [@Mayfield St. Cloud](#): > > Hoe, hoe, hoe. **Mayfield** , you are my new hero. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Brutus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Brutus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brutus)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/14 "2004-12-03T05:39:25Z")
Dude, I overheard that it’s your neighbor who is spreading weeds to your garden. I think you know what needs to be done… ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/15 "2004-12-03T09:08:15Z")
Depending on the toxicity of the weeds in your locality (mine are chiefly benign - dandelion, plantain, chickweed, sow thistle), a possible solution is the installment of a guinea pig; we bought a couple as pets for the kids and we don’t have a weed problem any more. Of course you can’t just let them have the run of the garden, but the kids pull up the weeds to feed the GPs - it’s got to the point where we actually have to _import_ or cultivate weeds to keep them fed. - they pack away a phenomenal amount of green stuff, considering their diminutive size and they turn it all into little poo pellets that are great for the compost heap. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/16 "2004-12-03T14:11:55Z")
I suggest grabbing a toddler and training them to be your weed monkey. I taught my then-two-year-old nephew to pull weeds with me in his parents garden. Now, four years later, he does it on his own. For fun! ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/17 "2004-12-03T17:37:22Z")
Guys, kidnapping a six year old and/or training one to pull weeds to feed rodentia isn’t much of a universal solution, though I’m sure **Muad’Dib** appreciates the thought. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/18 "2004-12-03T17:52:18Z")
The crab grass weed has evolved to the point where you pull on it, and it breaks off RIGHT AT THE SURFACE. And it’s root goes STRAIGHT DOWN into the earth. I go to pull it and I try to get as far down the stem and I can, and pull as slowly as I can to extract the root and it still breaks right at the surface. It’s lowest point of the stem is weaker than it’s root’s connections to the soil. It has achieved a state of perfect weeddom. As I approach those weeds, I get queasy knowing it will win, and honestly, I’m getting a little tense just typing it up and I haven’t pulled one since August. It has outsmarted me but it’s not just that. . .it has broken my spirit. It has let me know there’s no technique I can use to win with it. That weed actually has a negative effect on my typical peace of mind and every time I try to pull one, it tilts me just a little bit more towards the breaking point. I sympathize with the OP complete. ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/19 "2004-12-03T20:09:02Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Depending on the toxicity of the weeds in your locality (mine are chiefly benign - dandelion, plantain, chickweed, sow thistle), a possible solution is the installment of a guinea pig; we bought a couple as pets for the kids and we don’t have a weed problem any more. I can see it now: Mangetout’s Landscaping Service, now with installed guinea pigs! Folks, do you want a weed free lawn, smooth as a bowling green? Call Mangetout’s Landscaping Service. We guarantee results! A sheep and two guinea pigs are included with each service contract. We shear the sheep, you collect the chips. Offer not valid in any town with animal zoning restriction codes. ---
**Author:** ![Muad\_Dib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/35a633/32.png) [@Muad\_Dib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muad_Dib)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2004, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806/20 "2004-12-03T21:44:16Z")
> [@SpazCat](#): > > I suggest grabbing a toddler and training them to be your weed monkey. I taught my then-two-year-old nephew to pull weeds with me in his parents garden. Now, four years later, he does it on his own. For fun! Don’t be silly. This is a job for a _real_ monkey. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weeds/277806.md?page=2)