# Weekly World News hits a grand slam with their August 22 issue! Get your copy today!

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [August 21, 2000, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163 "2000-08-21T15:02:24Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/1 "2000-08-21T15:02:24Z")

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Oh baby. It’s not often that my favorite check-out line journal gets it SO RIGHT, about once every six months.

Front Page Lead Story (see page 8): Corpse found in _Titanic_ life ring! Woman had floated in North Atlantic for 88 years with a ring still on her finger!

Page 2 and 3: Steering wheel from Noah’s Ark found! (and they’ve got PHOTOS of it)

Page 5: Tickling can cause childhood asthma!

Page 6: Mysterious “Face on Mars” sculpture found in Israeli desert.

In other news on Page 6, Undersea cracks could trigger tidal waves off the East Coast of the U.S.

Page 7: “Pick up homeless people like dogs…then put 'em to sleep if they aren’t adopted,” says conservative group!

Page 8: the _Titanic_ life ring story.

Page 11: Sleeping on the job is good for you–and some companies are beginning to agree! (includes pictures of JFK, Churchill, Edison, and Napoleon, all of whom took naps and were brilliant and famous, so if you take naps, you’ll be brilliant and famous, too)

In other news on Page 11: Popcorn shocker! (Botanists have developed a variety of corn that comes off the stalk already popped!)

Page 15: Lost Continent of Atlantis found 1,200 feet below Antarctica!

The _WWN_ hits a solid double on Page 16: Newest fad pet in Japan: Miniature lions (standing just 10 inches tall, nicknamed “lionettes”), and Giant Ants! (a new breed of Amazon army ants the size of hamsters)

Page 19: California teens smoking cigarettes made from human flesh!

Page 22: Police blame powerful new perfume for 6 rapes! (it has “pheromones” in it, driving the attackers into uncontrollable frenzies of lust)

Page 23, Dear Dottie: Dear Dottie–My lovely bride-to-be blows her nose on our tablecloth!

Page 24 (the big centerfold spread): Lost sermon of Jesus found! (He says, among other things, “I will come again to comfort thee, and again and and yet again.” Evidently it’s like where the elevator doors keep closing on you…)

Page 26: King Arthur’s sword Excalibur found by divers!

Page 27, Ask Serena–America’s Sexiest Psychic: Why do my new shoes walk by themselves?

Page 31: Will your marriage last? (Ask yourself these questions, such as, “When discussing plans for the future, do you say ‘we’ or ‘I’?”)

In other news on page 31: Old West outlaw Jesse James was a sissy-boy cross-dresser!

Page 33: Ever feel like running over somebody? Well, you can mow down pedestrians like flies in Brazil–and not a damn thing will happen to you!

Page 38: Time travelers, NOT space aliens, are abducting human beings!

Page 40: Secret prophecies hidden in White House vault! (Reagan commissioned 200 psychics to predict the future for him back in 1982, and under the Freedom of Information Act these are finally being released to the public. Nuclear disaster in Billings, Montana, Super-twisters and megastorms rake America leaving death and despair in their wake [6,166 dead], aliens will go on TV in 2002, in 2003 the Feds are gonna take all parental rights away and FORCE the kids into day-care, viruses, depression, drought, famines, and last but not least, in 2003 the Earth’s magnetic poles will shift and the whole world will be turned upside-down!)

And for dessert, Page 46: Miracle on the gallows! Pregnant woman hanged–then gives birth at the end of the rope!

[happy sigh]  
I love this stuff.

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**Author:** ![rundogrun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5daacb/32.png) [@rundogrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rundogrun)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/2 "2000-08-21T15:13:10Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \*  
> \*\*
> 
> Page 23, Dear Dottie: Dear Dottie–My lovely bride-to-be blows her nose on our tablecloth!
> 
> \*\*

Ummm…is this a bad thing? Should I not be doing this at the dinner table? Honestly, I just never realized.

I LOVE the Weekly World News!

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**Author:** ![ThisYearsGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThisYearsGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisYearsGirl)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/3 "2000-08-21T15:47:32Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \*  
> \*\*
> 
> Page 27, Ask Serena–America’s Sexiest Psychic: Why do my new shoes walk by themselves?  
> \*\*

This is really bugging me. Why do they?

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**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/4 "2000-08-21T15:53:38Z")

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But what about the IMPORTANT stories, like—

• Has the Amazing Bat Boy ever been captured? and,

• Who is the UFO alien supporting in this year’s election?

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**Author:** ![Narile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Narile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Narile)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/5 "2000-08-21T15:56:46Z")

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Actually, looks to me that they are slipping, they actually put some real information in there.

Page 11…Not the popcorn story…the sleeping on the job story. The naps story.

Mind you that it was news about 5 _years_ ago. But yes, naps are now considered a productivity helper. Not long ones mind you, just 15-30 minutes in length to help refresh.

I don’t know _what_ came over the reporter on this one, he/she/it must have gotten delousions(sp) of actually working for a real paper.

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**Author:** ![Rock-n-Rolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/22d042/32.png) [@Rock-n-Rolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rock-n-Rolga)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/6 "2000-08-21T15:56:52Z")

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The idea about the homeless people on pg. 7 sounds like it came from good ol’ Ed Anger’s ran- I mean- column. I’d love to know who that guy really is…

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**Author:** ![Montfort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Montfort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Montfort)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/7 "2000-08-21T16:03:53Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \*  
> **In other news on Page 6, Undersea cracks could trigger tidal waves off the East Coast of the U.S.**

Actually, this one’s [true](http://cbsnews.cbs.com/now/story/0,1597,191003-412,00.shtml) (also, [this link](http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/158/science/East_Coast_tsunami_watch_is_prematureP.shtml)).

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**Author:** ![Gr8Kat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gr8kat/32/18668_2.png) [@Gr8Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gr8Kat)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/8 "2000-08-21T16:08:43Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> But what about the IMPORTANT stories, like—
> 
> • Has the Amazing Bat Boy ever been captured?

And does he still like DiGiorno’s rising crust pizza??

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**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/9 "2000-08-21T16:51:06Z")

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I saw what I consider the penultimate tabloid headline in the WWN about 10 years ago:  
**GIANT STATUE OF ELVIS FOUND ON MARS!**  
I’m telling you, it dosen’t get any better than that!

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**Author:** ![tradesilicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/439d5e/32.png) [@tradesilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tradesilicon)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/10 "2000-08-21T17:02:13Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> GIANT STATUE OF ELVIS FOUND ON MARS!

Was that in the same area as the likeness of Dolly Parton’s breasts?

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**Author:** ![dragonlady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@dragonlady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dragonlady)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/11 "2000-08-21T17:08:13Z")

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And Noahs Ark was found on MOUNT SHASTA!!!  
Imagine the surprise for those of us who live here!!  
Those poor archeologists, keeping the secret from the locals and letting it slip to reporters!!

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**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/12 "2000-08-21T17:15:58Z")

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\>\> GIANT STATUE OF ELVIS FOUND ON MARS! \<\<

Have you ever noticed how much the Great Sphinx of Giza looks like RRlkwVVwc7ms, the famed Martian pop singer? It’s even more amazing when you consider that early in his career he sang with a trio of pyramids as his backup group.

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**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/13 "2000-08-21T21:19:43Z")

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Weirddave wrote:

I saw what I consider the penultimate tabloid headline in the WWN about 10 years ago:

## **GIANT STATUE OF ELVIS FOUND ON MARS!**

Naw, the best story was:

Richard Burton speaks to Liz Taylor from beyond the grave and reveals his 8 day diet plan.

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**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/14 "2000-08-21T21:37:26Z")

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The WWN still has yet to top the saga of the “Brazilian Bat Boy Found Alive In Cave!!!”.

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**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\
**Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/15 "2000-08-21T23:12:30Z")

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Is to work for the [http://www](http://www). I love their stories, and I read it every chance I get and it never fails to crack me up. If you want to liven up a dull day, go to [http://www.weeklyworldnews.com](http://www.weeklyworldnews.com) and read some of the wackiness on-line. Pay particular attention to the “Dear Dottie” column. I could write that!!

Zette

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**Author:** ![Archer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@Archer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Archer)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2000, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/16 "2000-08-22T01:48:10Z")

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The rag is a hoot! The comedy never stops!

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**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2000, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/17 "2000-08-22T02:48:30Z")

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One of my favorites was “Satan’s Face Appears Over Chicago” some years ago. They had a picture, so you know it was true. Because it looked _exactly_ like Satan’s face as it appeared over a couple other places later on, right down to the curls of smog. Someone ought to tell the Dark Lord that if he keeps making that face, it’ll freeze that way.

I want to get my hands on one of the hats they sell-- “Weekly World News Press.” _That’s_ credibility!

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**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2000, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/18 "2000-08-22T03:08:12Z")

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This week’s headline is even better.

“Letter from Elvis to his fans found in his coffin”

Subtitled: “Letter answers questions- including did he fake his own death.” \<----paraphrase, but real close.

Lets look in on the news conference, shall we?

" We have discovered this letter from the king to his fans when we opened his cofin. In it he reveals weather or not he faked his own death. Does anyone have any questions?"  
Reporter #1" so you opened Elvis’s coffin and found this letter, right?"“yes, that’s correct”“And this letter reveals weather or not Elvis faked his death, right?”“yes, all the details are in the letter.”" Well, wouldnt that question be better answered by _looking in the coffin when you had it open to see if his body was there???_"“uhhh…”

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**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2000, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/19 "2000-08-22T05:02:41Z")

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\>\> We have discovered this letter from the king to his fans when we opened his cofin. In it he reveals weather or not he faked his own death. \<\<

I’d really be impressed if Elvis’s coffin contained the following letter:

Hi Fans,

Just wanted to drop all of you a quick note to tell you I didn’t fake my death. I really was dead when I wrote this.

Love,  
Elvis

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**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2000, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163/20 "2000-08-22T17:55:01Z")

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\*\*“Letter from Elvis to his fans found in his coffin” \*\*

There were fans found in Elvis’ coffin? Now that’s what I call dedicated. All those Deadheads got nothin’ on that.

[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/weekly-world-news-hits-a-grand-slam-with-their-august-22-issue-get-your-copy-today/30163.md?page=2)