# Welcome, New Teenaged Dopers! Don't make me kill you. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 19, 2001, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073 "2001-07-19T17:23:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/1 "2001-07-19T17:23:54Z")
Hello, New Teenaged Dopers. How are you? Good? I’m glad. Welcome to the Straight Dope Message Board. It’s a nice place, if you don’t screw up. I understand, though, that knowing how to not screw up can be hard sometimes, and because of that, I have opened up this thread. What can I say, I’m just a nice guy. First, I will offer my credentials: My name is **Jester** , and though I am not exactly a _new_ Doper, I am most definitely a _teenaged_ one. What’s that, you say? You’ve seen my posts on the board, and I am obviously too intelligent, witty, and cool to be a teenager? Well, I’m flattered, but if you don’t believe me, all I can say is: _Lance listens to BSB at midnight_. Yes, as you can see, I know the secret teenage catchphrase. I also know the handshake. There is no denying my age, so I will now continue with the thread. This post is meant just to give you a few basic pointers on how not to get shitcanned at the SDMB. If you follow them, and prove your intelligence, you may even find this board to be a warm, safe home. -This is not AOL. You are not speaking on an Instant Messaging program, so please refrain from talking like you are. Punctuation, capitalization, and grammar are your friends, and will help people think that you aren’t such an ignorant assfuck, after all. DO NOT put “@stupidwebprovider.net” at the end of your username when registering, for nothing good will come of it. -If my use of the words “puctuation,” “capitalization” and “grammar” have confused you, I suggest keeping a dictionary next to you whenever you post. -Knowing a few intelligent-sounding words like “plethora” does not immediately make you intelligent. Intelligent posting is what makes you intelligent. Hell, _I_ know what plethora means. -You are allowed to rail against your parents, teachers, and other authority figures in your life while here. Hell, those poor saps are stuck with you, so you can rebel against them all you want. The mods, however, are NOT stuck with you, so excercising your teenage freedom by calling them facist nazi pig-dogs will not help your cause. -Yes, he/she said “sex/tit/cock/ass”. Stop giggling, and get over it. -The Chicago Reader does not sell drugs, except for the euphoric sense of enlightenment offered by Cecil. Therefore, it is not reasonable to assume that a message board sponsered by the Chicago Reader would be involved in the drug trade. Just assume that no one here knows where to get or how to use drugs and move along. It’s safer that way. -TyPiNg LiKe ThIs WiLl NoT ImPrEsS PeOpLe. -NEITHER WILL THIS!!! LOL!!! - **OR THI…** I think you get the idea. -Being able to swear does not mean that you should swear at every opportunity. Unless you are in the Pit, you will be looked down upon for doing so. If you ARE in the Pit, you will most likely have swear words that you never even heard of before directed at you in return. -“La la la I can’t hear you” is not a valid argument in debate. Therefore, do not treat it that way. -Randomly throwing things like “hahahahah” and “lol” and the like into your sentences will break up continuity, and make people think that you are an asshole. -Sock Puppets are not the cute, fuzzy learning tools that you may remember from “Lambchop’s Playalong.” Here, they are actually rather unpopular. Just to let you know. In short, New Teenaged Dopers, do not fuck up. Myself and a number of much funnier, more intelligent teenage dopers than I have managed to find a place here on these boards, and we don’t want to be grouped in with a bunch of asshole high school students who decided to troll a Message Board just because they’re board on Summer Vacation. If you try to get something out of this board, you will be benefited greatly. If you don’t, I will track you down and shove a broomstick up your ass. Sideways. Thank you, and welcome. _Note: This is in the Pit because I just wanted to do a rant against high-school vacation trolls on the MB. I don’t have many specific examples at the moment, except for **Nothing But Net** , but was hoping that it could just be a general reference point. If it is more MPSIMS-ish in nature, feel free to move it accordingly. Thank ye._ -Walt ---
**Author:** ![schief2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cab0a1/32.png) [@schief2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/schief2)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/2 "2001-07-19T17:59:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jester \* > -If my use of the words **“puctuation,”** “capitalization” and “grammar” have confused you, **I suggest keeping a dictionary next to you whenever you post**. _cough_ 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kamandi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5daacb/32.png) [@Kamandi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamandi)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/3 "2001-07-19T18:13:10Z")
Amen, brother. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/4 "2001-07-19T18:28:41Z")
Man I was all set to name my band ass elf, and then Jester hits me with sextitcockass don’t make me choose. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Blackclaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e68b1a/32.png) [@Blackclaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackclaw)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/5 "2001-07-19T18:39:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by schief2 \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Jester \* > > -If my use of the words **“puctuation,”** “capitalization” and “grammar” have confused you, **I suggest keeping a dictionary next to you whenever you post**. > > _cough_ 😉 \*\* Ok, so he missed an “n.” 🙂 No big deal. My “c” key doesn’t always fire off when I tap it. But overall, he made a very solid post. I don’t want our new arrivals to think we ompletely anal about spelling and puntuation. (Someone hand me a hammer. I gotta fix my keyboard.) ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/6 "2001-07-19T18:39:29Z")
Well said, **Jester**. I can only add that it goes for non-teens as well. Oh, and: > [@](#): > > Knowing a few intelligent-sounding words like “plethora” does not immediately make you intelligent. Macadamia. Gazebo. Blubber. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/7 "2001-07-19T18:58:16Z")
> [@](#): > > -Sock Puppets are not the cute, fuzzy learning tools that you may remember from “Lambchop’s Playalong.” Here, they are actually rather unpopular. Just to let you know. At least there is _one_ of us who isn’t crazy. “ **Sock Puppets!** ” Wha- where!?!?!?!?!?!? mmmmmmmmm, lambchop! ---
**Author:** ![Sterra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Sterra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterra)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/8 "2001-07-19T19:10:57Z")
Don’t forget > [@](#): > > -If my use of the words “puctuation,” “capitalization\*\*,\*\*” and “grammar” have confused you, I suggest keeping a dictionary next to you whenever you post. Try [http://www.teentalk.com](http://www.teentalk.com) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/9 "2001-07-19T19:39:59Z")
> [@](#): > > Macadamia. > Gazebo. > Blubber. Bulbous Bouffant ---
**Author:** ![Abe\_Babe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Abe\_Babe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe_Babe)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/10 "2001-07-19T19:41:38Z")
Does that mean Teenaged Mutant Ninja Dopers too? “Whoa, Dude!!! **RockSilo** and **HeemboP** have **TubaApril** hostage at the MPSIMS Pizza Parlor!!” “To the Doper mobile!! Cowabunga, Dude!” (I would actually LOVE to have a Doper mobile) ---
**Author:** ![Abe\_Babe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Abe\_Babe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe_Babe)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/11 "2001-07-19T19:45:56Z")
> [@](#): > > ## quote: > > Macadamia. > Gazebo. > Blubber. > > * * * > > Bulbous Bouffant a Plethora of Platitudes? Flacid Fleece? ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/12 "2001-07-19T20:34:09Z")
Who is **jester**? Do we know him? Is he a Doper? ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/13 "2001-07-19T20:39:26Z")
Damn you, jarbabyj, that’s like the third time you’ve done that to me today. Stop stealing my fire! [sub]However, it is much funnier coming from you…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/14 "2001-07-19T20:41:03Z")
[heh heh] Dude! You said _Plethora_. [heh heh] ---
**Author:** ![Lady\_Juliet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cc9497/32.png) [@Lady\_Juliet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_Juliet)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/15 "2001-07-19T20:41:08Z")
Well then, being a new teenage doper myself, I’d like to say “thanks” for the tips. My grammar may not always be perfect, and maybe I will sometimes swear too much, but, when on the SDMB, i will try my hardest to keep my ass broomstick-free. ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/16 "2001-07-19T21:23:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lady Juliet \* > \*\*Well then, being a new teenage doper myself, I’d like to say “thanks” for the tips. My grammar may not always be perfect, and maybe I will sometimes swear too much, but, when on the SDMB, i will try my hardest to keep my ass broomstick-free. > \*\* **Lady Juliet** , from what I’ve seen on the boards, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Ya got moxy, kid. 😉 And as for “puctuation,” what can I say? It’s that crazy law again. **Abe Babe** , Teenage Mutant Ninja Dopers are _so_ 1990s. Get with the times, man. ---
**Author:** ![Lady\_Juliet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cc9497/32.png) [@Lady\_Juliet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_Juliet)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/17 "2001-07-19T21:30:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jester \* > \*\*Lady Juliet, from what I’ve seen on the boards, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Ya got moxy, kid. > \*\* Why thank you **Jester**. I’m not _entirely_ sure what moxy is, but I’ll take it as a compliment. Much appreciated. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/18 "2001-07-19T21:42:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jester \* > **You are allowed to rail against your parents, teachers, and other authority figures in your life while here.** But please bear in mind that many of us **are** authority figures who went through the same shit as you (or worse), have teenagers of our own giving us “poor miserable teen” bullshit, and don’t have a lot of patience with you **or** your supposed problems. Do not be surprised if one of us comes along and rips you a new one when you start whining. **Lady Juliet** , moxey = chutzpah. Strength of will balanced by the respect of your collegues so we’re willing to let you get away with it. Without that respect it can be confused with assholish behavior. When you are respected, though, it’s cool. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/19 "2001-07-19T21:54:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jester \* > \*\*-“La la la I can’t hear you” is not a valid argument in debate. Therefore, do not treat it that way. > \*\* Sorry, but this is a valid debating tool…when you’re **five**. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2001, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073/20 "2001-07-19T22:05:14Z")
It’s “moxie.” Sheesh. You kids. Beluga. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-new-teenaged-dopers-dont-make-me-kill-you/73073.md?page=2)