# Welcome To Cynical Hell **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 28, 2000, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490 "2000-12-28T07:56:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2000, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/1 "2000-12-28T07:56:23Z")
Alrighty then, let’s see what we can do to make sure that **Mr. Cynical** doesn’t become bored. I ask that you post long glurge-like tales of scandal and lunacy for our dear pal to pore over before he then proclaims your pennance or punishment. My Sin: Starting up a lengthy recipe thread that has so cemented the perception of me as a food freak that I now have the further duties of posting a new recipe each week and collating the active index for that same thread. My **Cynical** Punishment: I now have a dozen people waiting in the wings of [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=52684) thread to be paired off with the hundred or more recipes in some sort of humorous or suggestive way. [sup]PS: THANKS _NARILE_![/SUP] ---
**Author:** ![Narile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Narile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Narile)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/2 "2000-12-29T06:24:47Z")
_bumps it up to see if MrCynical is up to the task._ Me, I’m guiltless. ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/3 "2000-12-29T08:05:45Z")
[Scandal and lunacy?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=53063) :hangs head: I posted it there before seeing this thread, and I think it qualifies . . . Tisiphone ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/4 "2000-12-29T19:16:05Z")
I put “scandal lunacy” into Google and it obligingly came up with the following marvelous pieces of glurge. [http://www.intlsa.com/5.html](http://www.intlsa.com/5.html) [http://www.emperors-clothes.com/analysis/humanita.htm](http://www.emperors-clothes.com/analysis/humanita.htm) [http://www.capitolalert.com/voices/schnur/schnur.080999.html](http://www.capitolalert.com/voices/schnur/schnur.080999.html) [http://www.geocities.com/Pentagon/Battery/8894/confed.html](http://www.geocities.com/Pentagon/Battery/8894/confed.html) [http://bss.sfsu.edu/tygiel/hist790/790quesswindle90600.html](http://bss.sfsu.edu/tygiel/hist790/790quesswindle90600.html) [This one is the best, IMHO.](http://www.parliament.the-stationery-office.co.uk/pa/cm198889/cmhansrd/1989-07-27/Debate-8.html) I sentence **Mr.Cynical** to pick one of these and read the WHOLE THING and then tell us what the guy is talking about. One paragraph, single spaced, and neatness counts. ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/5 "2000-12-29T19:41:04Z")
Uhm, **Zenster** , I don’t get it. And I’m not sure you do, either. The purpose of these threads isn’t to torture people just to “get even” or be mean or tie them up for endless hours. These are supposed to be FUN and participants are supposed to be able to come away with something “personalized” for them, like their own Patron Saint or their own disease or their own personal ad, or recipe, etc. I have no clue what this thread even wants Mr. C to do, let alone what I, as a participant, needs to do in order for him to do whatever it is you’re asking of him. I’m just scratching my head here. Care to explain this a little better or pick something else? IMNSHO, personalized haikus would have been fun _and_ accomplished your goal of making him “work” as hard as you seem to think you have in simply naming recipes for people. It would have given people something to post in their sigs, as often happens with these sorts of threads, and it would be **funny**. What you’ve posted just doesn’t make sense, as far as I can tell. But maybe I’m missing something. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/6 "2000-12-29T20:32:32Z")
**tisiphone** ’s tale of “Scandal and Lunacy” is a perfect example. **Mr. Cynical** can now decide who should receive what punishment. Should it be the Elvis impersonator who gets his licks or **tis** for even bringing it to our attention? I tried to get **tis** ’ permission to crosspost the entire sordid tale here, but I wasn’t able to get through. **Duck Duck Goose** , let’s see if we can bring a personal element into this. I have a hard time faulting you for such a rich trove of glurge, but let’s try and maintain some focus on the task at hand. \ Let’s see if **Mr. Cynical** has the nerve to step up to bat. ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/7 "2000-12-29T20:44:26Z")
I don’t get it either. 😕 But I’m not too sharp today because I _still_ have a bit of a migraine. ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/8 "2000-12-29T20:44:57Z")
'Course you can. Sorry, I’m posting from home this week. 😃 Tisiphone ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/9 "2000-12-29T20:52:51Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Zenster_ > \*\*but let’s try and maintain some focus on the task at hand. \*\* **Zenster** , can’t you tell by the ratio of hits to participation that **we don’t know what the hell the task at hand is?** And for the record, Mr. C would be happy to step up to bat **if he got it, either**. He doesn’t. I asked him. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/10 "2000-12-29T22:21:00Z")
Gee **Shayna** , you don’t have an email address posted so it’s kind of hard to let you know about certain aspects of your not-so-humble-opinion. What part of the following is unclear? (I’ve included the body of **tisiphone** ’s post for clarity. Somehow, **tis** got the idea perfectly.) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zenster \* > **_tisiphone_’s tale of “Scandal and Lunacy” is a perfect example. Mr. Cynical can now decide who should receive what punishment. Should it be the Elvis impersonator who gets his licks or _tis_ for even bringing it to our attention?..** If **Mr. Cynical** can’t come up with some sort of punishment for a whacko Elvis impersonator, not to mention someone who would inflict the entire lurid tale upon us, then I hereby say that \*\* Mr. Cynical\*\* is losing his edge. [sup]YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST![/sup] > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tisiphone \* > ahemm. > > :tap, tap: This thing on? > > 'kay. > > This is gonna be a long story, but it’s a good one. Here, have a beer, a smoke of your choice, and hear the True Story of Tagish Elvis, the only man I know of to ever get an apology from _Larry Flynt_. Yep, that Larry Flynt. > > Now, back before Elvis was Elvis, his name was Gilbert Nelles. He was a strapping red-headed man in his late thirties. > > Gilly was a nice man. A self-employed artist, who made money in the souvenir trade, and did pretty good oil paintings. He was, however, a few cards short a full deck. He was prone to long stories about MIBs and other such conpiracies, all aimed at him for reasons he would never specify, just hint darkly at. However, somehow, all his business ideas seemed to pretty much work out. > > The uhmm, random tendancies were not helped when he moved into his new house, which he had built out of old telephone poles. A cosy little one-room cabin, with a big-ass airtight stove in it. For those not already cringing, let me tell you the creosote fumes in there when that stove was going were thick enough to choke on. We his friends feel this had bearing on what happened after that. Creosote poisoning. > > The transformation into Elvis was gradual, gradual enough that the inhabitants of Carcross and Tagish didn’t realize what was happening. Gilly liked to come into the bar in Carcross now and again, and play piano and sing Elvis tunes. About as well as you might imagine. Then, the 'Boo (Caribou Hotel) got a karaoke machine. Well, now Gilly was fascinated. Technogadgets and music! He started coming in even more regularly, to karaoke to Elvis. > > Gilly liked the karaoke machine so much, he had a brilliant new business scheme - he’d set up an tourist kiosk where tourists could pan for gold, and he could entertain them with his karaoke act! Without further ado, in true Gilly fashion, he put said plan into action. > > Yes, about five years ago or so, there was indeed a kiosk in Carcross, Yukon Territory where you could pan for gold and be serenaded by a bad Elvis “tribute performer”. I wouldn’t lie to you nice people, I think somebody’s got pictures . . . > > The next phase was during that winter season, during one of Gilly’s “business trips”. We have never been entirely sure what he does on these trips, since the MIB’s are always interfering, but he gets his souvenirs from somewhere. Anyways, this trip was to Nevada. And according to Gilly, what happened next belongs right up there with Roswell. > > Gilly and a friend were out driving in the desert and they got lost. All of a sudden, there it was! A bright light that immobilized the car! I have little details on what happened next, (Gilly’s a little sensitive about the matter), but in the process of being sampled and whatever else aliens do to someone they kidnap, they recognized his true quality. Realizing that only Gilbert Nelles embodied the True Spirit™ of the King, the aliens injected him with Elvis Presley’s DNA! Ever since, he has been slowly turning into Elvis. > > He then got his name legally changed, to, you guessed it, “Elvis Aron Presley”. > > Now, he would’ve been nothing but a local “Colorful 5%” celebrity, driving his blue suede caddy with the plaster cherubs glued to the top and serenading tourists, were it not for the next series of events. > > One of your stereotypical neighborhood feuds flared up with Elvis in the middle of it. His neighbor decided that Elvis had made threats, and was going to lay charges. Everything would’ve been fine, except that in his report, the officer in charge of his case called Elvis “crazy”. He might have his synapses wired funny, but he is not stupid. He read it and went ballistic. > > He sued the RCMP to the tune of four million dollars, for defamation of character and loss of earnings. Plus an apology. > > We the residents were mightily amused by the whole thing. Elvis enlivened an extremely dull winter with this one, it was the talk of the town for weeks. How’d he do? A dollar, an apology, and a get-the-hell-out-of-my-court. > > However, Larry Flynt, the king of sleaze, heard about the lawsuit, and decided it was perfect fodder for one of his “Asshole of the month” columns. Elvis would’t have cared but Larry made rude remarks about Elvis’ mother. He was having none of that. > > Next lawsuit, Larry Flynt vs Elvis Aron Presley, for libel. At first, Larry and the Hustler hierarchy thought this was pretty funny - some little nobody from nowhere (and loopy to boot) was daring to challenge them, but as the countdown went on, tension rose. All Elvis wanted was an apology, but if it went to court, Larry and Hustler could be looking at some serious cash outlay if they lost, and it wasn’t looking good for them. > > Finally, just before things went to court, a teeny, back-handed three-line apology was printed as one of the column asides. Elvis retired from the fray, triumphant. > > How’s Elvis doing now? Pretty good, I still see him around now and again, in his jumpsuits and black sideburns. Looks kinda interesting when he forgets to redye his eyebrows, though. He’s recorded a couple of tapes that I’ve never listened to, though other people tell me he’s passable, but definitely NOT Elvis. The blue suede Caddy packed it in, so he got himself a custom pink Caddy convertible. Even had the pink paint custom blended. Too bad it faded to white the next summer - now he won’t drive it. The aliens still visit him at his cabin (I’ll bet!). And he’s still in the souvenir trade. > > Oh yeah, and don’t call him Gilbert anymore. He’s Elvis! > > A little long - OK, a LOT long, but I felt that the community here might like to know the REAL story. > > Tisiphone > > (hey **Odieman** , mentor ol’ buddy, how’s my first thread?) \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/11 "2000-12-29T22:43:53Z")
I hereby sentence punishment for tisiphone to be as such: You will never be allowed to eat peanut butter again, save for when you are sitting on the toilet with your pants around your ankles. After each delicious bite of the savory paste, you shall be forced to mutter, “Mmmmmmmm, baby. That’s the good stuff. Thangyaverymuch.” ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2000, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/12 "2000-12-29T23:41:59Z")
More than **me** not getting it, I’m truly sorry that **you** don’t get it, **Zenster**. No offense was meant by either of my posts. It was unclear to me whether you didn’t understand how these threads are supposed to work, or if you were merely trying to make **Mr. Cynical’s** life “Hell”. I was trying to help you out. This thread could have been a helluva lot of fun - especially with **Mr. Cynical** at the helm. As it is, no one’s lining up with the usual “Do Me! Do Me!'s” (what weird punctuation 😕 ) For some examples of what I’m talking about, check out these threads: [Hey EVERYBODY! Naughty love letters from Cheffie](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=21348) - 183 replies [Custom Profiles By UncleBeer!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=21242) - 115 replies [Custom Written Songs By Sealemon!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=26294) - 70 replies [Cocktails Named After You! Ask the Uke Guy!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=21393) - 184 replies [Your Patron Saint Designation by . . . Swimming Riddles](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=21381) - 276 replies (I _know_ you know about this one - you _have_ one!) [Get your Personal Add by MoosieGirl!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=27362) - 34 replies And then of course there’s the most recent but also popular, [Get a Recipe named for you by Zenster!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=52684) - 72 replies (and counting). Read through those and see if it starts to make a bit more sense to you. ---
**Author:** ![Fairy\_Princess\_Kitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Fairy\_Princess\_Kitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fairy_Princess_Kitty)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2000, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/13 "2000-12-30T00:00:55Z")
Shayna I think the world at large is just confused because we don’t just say “Do me too!” well at least Zenster’s asking for a little more. You’re supposed to give him something long and pointless for Mr. Cynical to go through so that he can determine your punishment. You don’t just chime in. Well for my punishment you just try to get through [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=51724](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=51724) Just try it. Kitty ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2000, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/14 "2000-12-30T02:51:14Z")
Thank you very much **FPK** , you have said it perfectly. I’m grateful that someone else was able to restate my words so clearly. ---
**Author:** ![Fairy\_Princess\_Kitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Fairy\_Princess\_Kitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fairy_Princess_Kitty)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2000, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/15 "2000-12-30T02:54:49Z")
No problem Zenster buddy, now have Mr Cynical get his butt in here to punish me. I’ve been a naughty kitty haven’t I? Although there’s really only one way to punish a masochist but… Kitty ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2000, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/16 "2000-12-30T04:13:30Z")
And sheesh, what about **Mr. Cynical** , he’s positively slacking on us. The obvious answer as to who to punish goes beyond the messenger (poor **tis** ), it should, nay, _must_ be both. _Karaoke_, while running a _gold panning tourist trap_, dressed as _Elvis_ and driving _Cadillacs_? We’re talking about a target of literally _Titanic_ proportions. How someone could _not_ fire a torpedo at that one is beyond me. Like I said, you heard it here first. ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2000, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/17 "2000-12-30T08:17:02Z")
[sub]well now . . . how am I going to explain to my sons why Mom is eating lunch in the bathroom?[/sub] Sigh. I’m sorry. The story seemed appropriate for the venue, though. Certainly mundane and pointless, and something to read when bored, no? However, it was really really long, and I gracefully, humbly accept the designated penance. [sub]someday it’ll be my turn, in about a bajillion years, when I reach 2500 posts…[/sub] And I mean, come on. Gilbert got an _apology_ from _Larry Flynt_, who is unashamedly unapologetic about anything. Surely he deserves some sort of commemoration of this feat, other than nostalgia felt by the locals for all the entertainment. He’s been relatively low-profile since, except for the UFO conference. People are so interesting! 😃 Tisiphone ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2000, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/18 "2000-12-30T21:49:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tisiphone \* > \*\*…Sigh. I’m sorry. The story seemed appropriate for the venue, though. Certainly mundane and pointless, and something to read when bored, no?.. > > Tisiphone \*\* It was _perfect_, **tis** , too bad **Mr. Cyn** copped out and killed the messenger. I tell you, the guy’s losing his edge. Pretty soon he’s gonna change his screen name to **Mr. Sweetie Pie**. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2000, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/19 "2000-12-30T21:58:52Z")
I sentence this thread to die quickly for being retarded. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2000, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490/20 "2000-12-30T22:58:39Z")
Sheesh, **Mr. Sweetie Pie** , if that’s as cynical as you can get, you _have_ lost your edge. Whassamatta? You can dish it out but can’t take it? Didn’t have the energy to figure out a suitable punishment for **FPK**? Or is it an attention span problem? Maybe you can cut a new set of teeth on the following; Jim and Jake were sitting around on the front stoop of their Washington, DC tenement one day trying to decide which orphanage they should burn down. When, lo and behold, from different directions on the sidewalk along come a little old lady carrying some groceries and a kid with a puppy on a leash. Jim and Jake were awestruck. What to do? What to do? Jake wanted to push the old lady down first, but Jake thought the highest priority was to beat up the kid, they argued about it briefly and couldn’t come to any agreement. Finally Jim had enough of this indecision and ran over to the kid, fists clenched. But before he could land a single blow Jake had kicked the puppy instead. The kid bent over his puppy, narrowly missing the roundhouse that Jake had just swung. As Jake followed through he managed to connect with the little old lady’s chin as she walked up to the scene. This sent her groceries spilling across the sidewalk and out into the street. A burly doorman from the hotel a few doors down came running over to see what was going on and in his haste didn’t see the bunch of bananas laying on the sidewalk that had scattered from the old ladies groceries. Slipping on the bananas he landed squarely on the puppy who had finally had enough of this abuse and bit the doorman on the hand. Trying to shake off the puppy, the doorman only managed to launch it out into the street in front of a passing school bus. The bus driver locked up his wheels braking too hard and, missing the puppy by inches, sideswiped a yuppie driving in the oncoming lane. The e-trading yuppie’s double mocha decaf skim milk grande latte flew out of his hands and squarely hit his back-seat-driving mother-in-law, who coincidentally, was in the back seat. All of this commotion caused the yuppie to drop his cell phone and its impact onto the gearshift entered an unintended sell order for his shares in a new startup specializing in the rehabilitation of defrocked nuns. This caused the company’s stock to plummet in a frenzy of collateral selloffs. The defrocked nuns were immediately thrust out on the street due to underfunding of their shelter now that the start up company’s stock had tanked. They immediately resumed their original nasty business of recruiting underage boys to service the aging Catholic School students that they had followed up on from their teaching days. They managed to persuade the kid with the puppy that a certain old geezer up on Park Avenue would treat him and his little doggie better than Jim and Jake were and promptly sold the child into white slavery to a retired republican stock dealer with a toe fetish. All the while Jim and Jake were kicking the doorman while he was down and the little old lady could only look on in despair as her groceries were snatched up by some street urchins who had come across the scene in progress. One of the urchins ran over to the yuppie’s spun out car, snatched the cell phone from the unconscious driver’s hand and began dialing up his long lost relatives in Eastern Europe. The relatives calmly advised the little wretch to divert more buy orders from the yuppie’s trading account into their own front companies that focused on transshipping illegal arms to terrorist networks on the subcontinent. This last influx of badly needed dollars was all that was needed to put them over the top so that they could finally purchase a briefcase nuke from a retired Soviet Strategic Forces Commander they had contact with. The briefcase nuke was snuck into the inaugural day ceremonies for George W. Bush. Just before they could detonate the bomb, a careening school bus plowed through the crowd and snagged the briefcase device on its front bumper. As the crown scattered wildly, the out of control school bus slammed into the inaugural platform and released only enough radiation to kill the entire swearing-in party and a few secret service men. Jim and Jake finished up their assault on the now unconscious doorman and wandered back inside to watch the now frantic newscasts appearing on all channels. They got into a fight arguing over the line of succession, knocked over some candles and burned down the entire building leaving dozens of people homeless, including five crack dealers upstairs. OK, **Mr. Cynical** , which character gets punished for what? [sup]NO CHILDREN, ANIMALS _OR_ POLITICIANS (SIGH) WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS THREAD.[/sup] [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-cynical-hell/47490.md?page=2)