# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 27,757 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006 "2002-12-11T14:52:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/181 "2002-12-12T06:50:42Z")
Apparently I’ll be the sole purchaser of Rifts merchandise that **Ethilrist** stocks. While I’m not standing on a street corner trying to convert people to the Palladium system, you can find me running the Doperville Internet Cafe. While I naturally don’t see a lot of business for simple connection, seeing as everyone in town is supplied with cable for free, the LAN competitions can’t be beat. We have the best games with the latest hardware, and the friendly spirit of comraderie lasts through even the most brutal shellacking, after which everybody heads down to **iconoplast** ’s coffee shop. I can also be seen at night on the hills outside of town, lugging a telescope and blowing my nose repeatedly. ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/182 "2002-12-12T07:32:32Z")
For some reason, the system won’t let me have acess to edit my previous post of here is a little addendum: I am also good-natured and quirky. Because I trust everyone, I occasionally become a pawn to the villians in the Rival Town. I’d also be happy do a weekend show on one of our radio stations if I can play old Jazz, Swing and Big Band. ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/183 "2002-12-12T08:35:23Z")
Grand Opening! **Dopeville Kuk Sool Won** Sign for 3 months and get a free Uniform! Kids classes, and Kick-Robics! Strong Heart! Stong Mind! Strong Body! I’m also hoping to place radio ads and run 2 column 3 inch ad in the local paper. I will be the Owner-Head Instructor, unless a ranking KSW person jumps in here… hehehehe ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/184 "2002-12-12T12:01:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hardygrrl \* > \*\*By day, I work at the Dopesville Bank. Preventing fraud and making sure all Doper funds are safe from Bad People. > > By night, I coach the amateur hockey league.\*\* Dang! I was hoping it would go: By day, I work at the Dopesville Bank. By night, I fight crime. I’m **Hardygrrl**! (duh duh duuuuuuh!) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tikki \* > **I’ve just moved here and would like to work at the post office with Rue DeDay.** Before I say “yes” I have to see how you look in short pants. Nothing personal, it’s just a rule I have. You work in my Post Office, it’s shorts bay-bee! (Or my sporting goods store. It’s all about the shorts.) (And you can’t edit your posts. You just have to add another one. Or ask the Mods to fix your boo-boo. Usually it’s just tack on one more.) -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/185 "2002-12-12T12:48:55Z")
I’m the town cat, the stray who always eludes the straycatcher’s net, who always steals its food from kitchens and rummages in the trash (incidentally knocking over the trash cans), and is a general “Rum Tum Tugger” Rawr! _Skips off to do some extra rummaging in Eve’s trashcan_ ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/186 "2002-12-12T13:02:56Z")
**Town Character #1** _Walks out of the diner and sits on the curb, drinking something from a brown paper bag, waiting to start work at Knyckers Lingerie Shoppe_ ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/187 "2002-12-12T13:19:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Persephone \* > \*\*Hey…what’s this? The TV station is hiring? > > :::fixes makeup, arranges hair::: > > Hm. Wonder if they’ll let me read the news for them. My kids’ need shoes… \*\* You’re hired, **Persephone**. If you know of a male anchor to balance you out, let me know. Oh, on WSD tonight…we’re beginning a MST marathon. Our Top Ten Worst Movies of All Time (as voted on by our viewers) will air over the next five nights. Don’t watch these alone. Get a friend, some popcorn, and soft stuff to throw at the tv. ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/188 "2002-12-12T13:19:59Z")
**BraheSilver** , what, are you some sick, twisted Gamer version of Socrates? “Listen to me, people! What good will your measly weapons do against Mega-damage armor???” And I would like all of you who do not already know me (unfathomable as that may seem) that I do indeed wear a fedora. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/189 "2002-12-12T13:31:44Z")
Hey, do we have a gym yet? How about a spa and hair salon? And who do I call for plumbing or electrical work? Computer support? ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/190 "2002-12-12T13:32:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blackeyes \* > \*\*Coming this January you may hope to see me using the town jail. \*\* Hopefully with me in it! Locked up for being a public nuisance.😛 ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/191 "2002-12-12T13:35:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by widdershins \* > \*\*I live in a basement apartment on the edge of town, but am thinking of joining the forces of Evil in the Rival Town since I just can’t make a good impression here. > > ::wipes away tears and broods darkly:: \*\* …and… > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Tikki_ > **I occasionally become a pawn to the villians in the Rival Town.** **Widdershins** , you’re more than welcome to join up with us here in Rival Town, but you’ll have to leave those tears at home. Real villains and adversaries must, by the power of cliche, have dry eyes. (If they get too dry, you’re more the welcome to use, say, Visine, but that better be the only moisture I see welling up around yer gelatinous bouncy balls.) The brooding, definitely, if you do it much (and well) will get you automatically promoted to a leader of a faction here. Ya’ wanna be the star quarterback of our football team? The one who sneers at the thought of Dopeville High having “athletes”? (They’ll win come championship game time, of course, but until then you’ll get all the perks–free booze, good grades ya’ don’t deserve, chicks [or roosters if you don’t like chicks], and fast cars.) **Tikki** , you’re not a pawn! You’re valued over here in Rival Town! We don’t _use_ you per se, we just occasionally find that you help us out in ways of which you aren’t aware. I don’t see “pawn” anywhere in that last sentence. Now, heck, I’d be extremely grateful if you’d deliver this package marked “Troll” to **Rue** at the post office. I mean, after all, you’re going there anyway to model some shorts… right? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/192 "2002-12-12T13:47:07Z")
> [@](#): > > **Tikki:** > Also, I train animals in my off hours. Swampbear isn’t gonna see me naked, but if he learns well, he’ll get a cookie. Are you a big burly hairy sweaty man? I’ll do anything for one of them. 😃 I don’t need training however. I just stagger round town eating cookies and drinking beer. I’m a friendly bear and everybody adores me. I behave because I am afraid that **Eve** will peer over her lorgnette at me and say " **Well,** _Really!_! ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/193 "2002-12-12T14:14:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by swampbear \* > \*\*I’m a friendly bear and everybody adores me. \*\* Well, _almost_ everybody, you scruffy cookie-stealer. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/194 "2002-12-12T14:28:31Z")
**Skerri** , dear, that might confloict with my Tuesday night salons, in my Mansion on the Hill—would **Rebound Guy** consider taking another night? ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/195 "2002-12-12T14:31:17Z")
Ok, things are shaping up for the _Gazette_! Current Staff: **JC** , publisher. **Eve** , Society columnist and disapprover **Gorgon Heap** , Master of pix **bristlesage** , crossword puzzles and distractions **juniper200** , Editor (you got promoted) **anya marie** , beat reporter **Jester** , copyboy and cub reporter. **Eve**! See if you can cover that pyjama party, will you? Take **Gorgon** along for some pix. You know the sort I mean. There’s a bonus for the right pix, **Gorgon**. What’s that **Firefly** guy upset about this time? Caterpillars? F’God’s sake! **Jester** , get me some coffee! And stop calling me chief! **anya** , I hear there’s some craziness down at the mill! Go check it out! **bristlesage** , ‘frblug’ is not a word. And we’ve got ads! Best positioning to _Knyckers Lingerie Shoppe_ for being first! Cover 4 for you! Cover 2 goes to **mkl12’s** brewery. Drink it and get plotzed! (don’t like it? Hire a better designer!) **Skerri’s Place** , bringing you all you can drink PJ party! PJ tops tradeable for Martinis! **Dopeville Kuk Sool Won** now accepting students! Learn to…‘beat…people…up’. Classifieds: All around anchor needed for broadcast firm. Contact **ivylass** at Dopeville-9 3456. Local watering hole needs publican and DJ. No ‘beautiful music’ lovers need apply. Must have Toughskins[sup]TM[/sup] brand PJs and ‘Can Do’ attitude. Call Dopeville-6 6666 Astrologer Wanted. Must have own sextant and astrolabe. Apply in person at the _Dopeville Gazette_. Weird Al need not apply. We’ve heard your stuff before. The Dopeville library is concerned about the number of overdue books. A list of citizens with overdue books will be published next issue. Be warned. Wanted: Qualified pool technician. Additional duties as required. Must have own Speedo and skimmer. Room and board provided. Pleasant work environment. No heavy lifting. Call Dopeville-8 WHOA to arrange interview. **Articles** : _Local Kid Ruins Yard_ _Dopeville Turkeys win 3rd straight!_ _Poolboy industry grows_ _Local Theatre Holds Auditions for stage remake of ‘Ishtar’_ _Mill goes under. Owner lynched!_ _Local Missile Silo on UN Inspectors List. Local man annoyed._ _Local woman double posts! More inside!_ _Local librarian in ‘stacks waxing’ scandal!_ _Clearchannel executive visits town_ _Dopeville Community College beset by slackers!_ _Police eye local rafter_ ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/196 "2002-12-12T14:37:39Z")
I’m the ageing hippie/cat lady. You’ll hear music by Cream, Pink Floyd, CSN&Y, Janis, The Beatles, et al, when you walk past my house. There are kitties on the roof and in the yard, and usually one sleeping in my lap. Occasionally, you can catch me peering out through the blinds to see what’s going on out there. I have sunflowers and herbs growing in my garden. I wear pachouli oil and bake Alice B. Toklas brownies. My house is multi-colored, both inside and out, and I ride a bicycle when I can. ---
**Author:** ![Biba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Biba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biba)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/197 "2002-12-12T15:03:23Z")
Official Town Lurker de-lurking…can I apply for a job at the local watering hole? I’d be the English barmaid, with the accent nobody understands, and a habit of singing bawdy rugby songs at the end of an evening. ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/198 "2002-12-12T15:21:55Z")
Attention all citizens of Doperville: Announcing the opening of Doperpower, a staffing agency that can find a job for you at one of the many fine workplaces throughout our lovely town. Doperpower workers are well paid, enjoy excellent benefits and flexibility and are most definitely part of a great team. We’re now hiring for part-time, full-time, temporary and permanent positions. _(Ahem.)_) If you’re one of Doperville’s fine entrepreneurs or business managers, turn to Doperpower when you need temporary or permanent employees to round out your staff. We offer a wide range of staffing solutions for all situations. Remember our number, 555-JOBS, that’s 555-5627. Also, watch for our _many, many ads_ in the classified section of the _Doperville Gazette_! ---
**Author:** ![Go\_alien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9d8465/32.png) [@Go\_alien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Go_alien)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/199 "2002-12-12T15:22:59Z")
Saw the job advert in the Gazette for astrologer. Since nobody wants me in the museum or zoo, can I do that job? I know where stars are, I’ve even visited a few, so it sounds easy… ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/200 "2002-12-12T15:28:42Z")
A big-city refugee, I write, direct and choreograph the musicals that **Velma** performs in at the local community theatre. (See _Waiting for Guffman_.) **Eonwe** ’s my rehearsal pianist. By day, I run the local gay pub/strip joint. Ironically, I’m also the chairperson of the local chapter of AA. We’re working on getting **ryan\_liam** , the town drunk, into the program… with little luck. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=11)