# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 27,757 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006 "2002-12-11T14:52:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![Mr.Wrong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@Mr.Wrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Wrong)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/221 "2002-12-12T17:00:45Z")
> [@](#): > > _Police Eye Local Rafter_ Geez, I didn’t know there were actual **cops** in this town! I moved here because I thought there would be a more, um, _enlightened_ attitude about such things. **JC** , Do you have an opening for a sports columnist? I promise to completely ignore ungrateful, spoiled multi-millionaire jocks and focus on things like Co-Gender Nude Twister tournaments and Full-Contact Chess. **LucChiq** , Why doncha meet me by the river, little darlin’? I might just let you see my bad tatoo. And you can bring your roomie.😉 **Kalhoun** , any brownies left? ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/222 "2002-12-12T17:13:56Z")
Ummm, what section of the classifieds would have bear traps?? ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/223 "2002-12-12T17:26:24Z")
Well you know you can just slither on down to the local diner and gather up all the local gossip. We got all the low-down on population. Like how that millionaire made all that money and how that school teacher can afford all the hired help. Not to mention that **Eve** was in a bit ago and gave us the latest on what’s going on with that library crowd over there. Believe me it ain’t books they shelving over there. ---
**Author:** ![Skerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/224 "2002-12-12T17:33:50Z")
Tonight, for one night only! Forget those winter chills! **Skerri’s** will be hosting “A Night In Tahiti”. Bring your bathing suits (or not, bathing suit optional!) and prepare to sip on daquiris and other frosty drinks. Beach chairs will be provided, along with various beach music. Make sure you bring your flip-flops, because we are transforming **Skerri’s** into your own personal beach! Take a dip in the (kiddie) pool, or lounge under one of the umbrellas. It’s sure to be a hot time tonight! Hey, does anyone know where I can get about 50 bags of sand, cheap? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/225 "2002-12-12T17:34:43Z")
**Town Character #1** _Finishes lunch at the diner, sits on the curb, drinks something from a brown paper bag, and leers at a woman with a her hair in a bun entering his place of employment._ ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/226 "2002-12-12T17:36:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by brachyrhynchos \* > \*\ ***Flamsterette\_X** : town archivist and welcome wagon, former vampy villainess > \*\* Well, I’m open for business! um, that didn’t come out quite right, did it? Anyways, the archives are open for your perusal. If there’s aaything you’d like to add, or change, see me. Doens’t mean I am confined to the stereotype of your average town archivist… much like the stereotype of the librarian with glasses and her hair up in a bun, complete with frosty glare. Nope, because while I do have glasses, I am happy to see you all, and serve the townsfolk. F\_X ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/227 "2002-12-12T17:37:33Z")
Now we’re talking! Tahiti Night! Make sure that you’ve got Dottie in her sarong playing on the VCR. And bath suits are for wusses. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/228 "2002-12-12T17:40:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*No income tax, I"m talking about the personal property tax and the real estate tax. It’ll be a modest increase (my secretary only wants to go up to 38D). \*\* I must disagree, **plnnr**. If your secretary expects free boobs on the taxpayer dole, soon every woman will want them. But what can we offer the men? I doubt they’ll want free boobs. Equal protection under the law and everything. Maybe your secretary can moonlight for **FCM** for extra money…I hear she’s rolling in it. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/229 "2002-12-12T17:44:48Z")
**swampbear** - that’s ‘extort’, not ‘bribe’. But I get the idea. 🙂 **FairyChatMarm** - etiquette, schmettikette. If you didn’t want everyone else to know your business, you shouldn’t’a moved to a small town! Tahiti night, huh? I’m _so_ there. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/230 "2002-12-12T17:47:08Z")
I’m sending **Persephone** over with a camera crew to Tahiti Night. Please, people, no flashing the camera unless we ask. We want to be able to show some of the footage on the news, but we will be editing an expose’ _The Seedy Underside of Dopeville_ during Febraury sweeps. ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/231 "2002-12-12T17:47:37Z")
I’ll be Designated Driver for **Skerri’s**! I’ll even work for free, as long as I get free (or discounted) drinks. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/232 "2002-12-12T17:51:05Z")
Sorry, ivylass, but your government doesn’t care whether you agree or disagree. What are you, some kind of terrorist? There’s a war on, you know. There will be a tax hike and my secretary will get her new boobs. And if I hear anymore about it, Tom Ridge and John Ashcroft will see to it that you end up in an “undisclosed location.” Its graft, but its honest graft. ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/233 "2002-12-12T17:56:00Z")
I’m the Town Pimp and Small Time Drug Dealer. I dress in purple suede and far too many gold chains. I need me some ho’s. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/234 "2002-12-12T17:57:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ivylass \* > \*\*But what can we offer the men? I doubt they’ll want free boobs. > \*\* **Town Character #1** Uhhhh, I wouldn’t mind. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/235 "2002-12-12T18:03:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*Sorry, ivylass, but your government doesn’t care whether you agree or disagree. What are you, some kind of terrorist? There’s a war on, you know. There will be a tax hike and my secretary will get her new boobs. And if I hear anymore about it, Tom Ridge and John Ashcroft will see to it that you end up in an “undisclosed location.” > > Its graft, but its honest graft. \*\* Oh, like that, is it? Well, what are you going to do for me to keep me from sending my camera crew over to your office? Or to the hospital while Miss NewBoobs is recovering from her enhancement? _Hmmmmm??_ ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/236 "2002-12-12T18:06:23Z")
Pay them off, of course. And Miss NewBoobs will sleep with whomever I tell her to. This is too easy. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/237 "2002-12-12T18:09:27Z")
LOL **plnnr** …but just remember…there’s an election coming up… ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/238 "2002-12-12T18:10:49Z")
Lumbers…err…staggers into the diner. **Ultress** did ya hear that **Gorgon Heap** and that new cub reporter at “The Gazette” are the opening act for amateur night at **scott evil’s** gay bar/strip joint? And **Eve** was seen running her lorgnette all over the chest of **FairyChatMarm’s** cook during the Fried Corn Festival last Saturday. Oh and last night at **Skerri’s** , **plnnr** was doing tequila shooters and using his secretary’s neck as a salt lick. Seems there was a little hanky panky going on behind the dumpster after the diner closed yesterday, too. As I understand it **ivylass** and the strange person that sits on the curb drinking out of a brown paper bag all day were playing strip jacks til the wee hours. And I hear that for an extra fee, **LucChiq** will perform certain, shall we say, “personal services” for the male patients over at the hospital." Ok, gotta go now. I smell fresh cookies baking. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/239 "2002-12-12T18:20:35Z")
MEMO TO: The Public Works Department FROM: The Town Manager RE: Termination of Service to Television Station Please proceed to the television station and disconnect both the water and sewer service. Additionally, you are hereby directed to pave, repave, and re-repave the streets in front of the station for the next month. Please block the sidewalk, both lanes of traffic so as to require a detour, and also institute a “temporary” shut-down of the station’s electrical supply. This will, of course, render the building unfit for human habitation. By way of a copy of this memoradnum, I am notifying the Building Inspector’s Office to placard the television station as “Condemned.” By way of an additional copy of this memorandum, I am hereby notifying the police department to arrest and detain, as possible enemy combatants, anyone who attempts to enter the television station in violation of the “Condemned” sign. If you have any questions, or need additional information, please advise. Plnnr Election my ass. ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/240 "2002-12-12T18:33:59Z")
True, **swampbear** , but what you didn’t know is that we are going to gargle “Anna Gotta Davida.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=13)