# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 27,757 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006 "2002-12-11T14:52:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/241 "2002-12-12T18:35:59Z")
Hey, chi…errr… **JC** , methinks something’s brewing down at the Town Planner’s office. Can I go? Pleeeease? CanIcanIcanIcanIcanI? I’m almost done on the “Local Woman Crusades Against Belly-button Lint” piece… ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/242 "2002-12-12T18:49:44Z")
MEMO To: All employees of KDPE Radio From: **Rico** , General Manager Re: Unlawful takeover of television station. As you probably have heard by now, Town Manager **Plnnr** has instituted a personal vendetta against the local TV station, simply because his secretary wanted bigger boobs. Smelling scandal, my good friend **ivylass** sent her camera crew to the town offices, threatened to expose the town manager, and in retaliation, the town manager cut off all access to the TV station studios. While we could gloat about this on the air and take advantage of a competitor’s problem, that is _not_ the way of Dopeville. Effective immediately, the following precautions will be taken. **Swampbear** , while up until now you have not been an official employee of KDPE, let me welcome you to our staff as our official **Militia Coordinator**. You are hereby dirercted to raise an armed militia, and protect our broadcasting site on Mt. Cecil just northeast of town. Protect it against all enemies, foreign and domestic. **widdershins** , you will take the station Jeep and the remote broadcast trailer and drive out of town to the undisclosed location we will speak about in private. Aim the remote antenna at the transmitter site so if our studios get knocked off the air, you can take over broadcasting from our remote location. Me, I will maintain a 24 hour watch at our downtown studios, and run editorials four times an hour abotu the unlawful suppression of our constitutional rights. Freedom of the press is very important, and **Ivylass** , you are more than welcome to join us in our protest against the evil town management. In fact, I’ll even give you a two hour a day talk show if you so desire. Anyone else up for helping KDPE fight against the injustice done to our local TV station? ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/243 "2002-12-12T18:50:56Z")
Best to let the government do it’s work and go about your daily lives. Really. Trust me on this. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/244 "2002-12-12T18:51:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*MEMO > > TO: The Public Works Department > > FROM: The Town Manager > > RE: Termination of Service to Television Station > > Please proceed to the television station and disconnect both the water and sewer service. Additionally, you are hereby directed to pave, repave, and re-repave the streets in front of the station for the next month. Please block the sidewalk, both lanes of traffic so as to require a detour, and also institute a “temporary” shut-down of the station’s electrical supply. This will, of course, render the building unfit for human habitation. By way of a copy of this memoradnum, I am notifying the Building Inspector’s Office to placard the television station as “Condemned.” By way of an additional copy of this memorandum, I am hereby notifying the police department to arrest and detain, as possible enemy combatants, anyone who attempts to enter the television station in violation of the “Condemned” sign. > > If you have any questions, or need additional information, please advise. > > Plnnr > Election my ass. \*\* "Please go & switch the sewer line for the water, & _vicea versa_ " Sure thing, Chief! Also --Public Notice. The City Council–A.K.A. The Illuminated Order Of Masons–has made it illegal to keep jackalopes within the City Limits, for reasons of health, and because they don’t exist. All other non-existant creatures may still be kept & permitted to wander freely, except Chupacabra, which must be leashed. Thank You. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/245 "2002-12-12T19:00:28Z")
Poor, poor deluded people. Don’t they know you can’t fight City Hall. Now, go back to your little lives and leave the running of the world to those who know how to run it - white men in suits with a hot young woman in one hand and a martini in the other. Miss Galore would you please come into my office…I feel like dictating a letter… ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/246 "2002-12-12T19:01:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lost4life \* > \*\ ***Town Character #1** > > _Finishes lunch at the diner, sits on the curb, drinks something from a brown paper bag, and leers at a woman with a her hair in a bun entering his place of employment._ \*\* Dammit, \*\* Townie\*\*, quit drinking and get back to work! The rush is on for Naughty Swimming Attire for **Skerri’s** Tahiti night. I’m pricing the huge shipment of bikinis and speedos I just got in, the lapidary saw’s on the fritz, and I’ve still got three poodles to bathe! So get in here - there’s a buxom young blonde looking for some help in the fitting room. Think you could handle that? ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/247 "2002-12-12T19:16:25Z")
_Maintains a curious silence_ ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/248 "2002-12-12T19:31:30Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Kn_ckers \* > **Dammit, \*\* Townie** , quit drinking and get back to work! The rush is on for Naughty Swimming Attire for **Skerri’s** Tahiti night. I’m pricing the huge shipment of bikinis and speedos I just got in, the lapidary saw’s on the fritz, and I’ve still got three poodles to bathe! So get in here - there’s a buxom young blonde looking for some help in the fitting room. Think you could handle that? \*\* **Town Character #1** - Mutters something under his breath and shuffles into Knyckers Lingerie Shoppe, leaving his brown paper bag on the curb. Then, proceeding to the fitting room, attempts to put a bikini on the bitch, but the poodle will have none of that.\* ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/249 "2002-12-12T19:39:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ivylass \* > \*\*I must disagree, **plnnr**. If your secretary expects free boobs on the taxpayer dole, soon every woman will want them. But what can we offer the men? I doubt they’ll want free boobs. Equal protection under the law and everything. > > Maybe your secretary can moonlight for **FCM** for extra money…I hear she’s rolling in it. \*\* **plnnr** , So when shall we schedule that audit? Signed, **Nutty Bunny–Tax preparer/auditor** ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/250 "2002-12-12T20:03:40Z")
A drunken bear is the militia coordinator. What should I do to protect Mt. Cecil from all enemies foreign and domestic? Should I pee on 'em or just pelt 'em with beer cans? Oh and understand this: when **FairyChatMarm’s** studly cook places fresh baked cookies on the window sill to cool and I smell 'em, I’m outta this whole militia thingy. A bear’s gotta eat ya know. A bear’s gotta write a gossip column too. A bear’s also gotta make beer runs. Tell ya what, just forget the whole militia thing, I got gossip, beer drinking and cookie snatching to attend to. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/251 "2002-12-12T20:05:42Z")
Memo TO: Ms. Pussy Galore FROM: Plnnr, Town Manager Please take $10,000 from petty case and deliver it to Nutty Bunny for services rendered. When you return, please come back into my office. I think I’d like to dictate another letter. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/252 "2002-12-12T20:10:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by swampbear \* > **Tell ya what, just forget the whole militia thing** Ok, so the bear’s toast(ed)… Any freedom-loving person out there willing to protect our transmitter site? Or do I have to do everything myself? ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/253 "2002-12-12T20:12:35Z")
\ Oops. I guess I should have asked permission to take the car first. Ah, well. I couldn’t just wait around for **JC** to stop being so curiously silent. There was NEWS to be had! \ I’m Jester from the _Gazette_! What’s the scoop? Is there really a war brewing between the Television station and the City Planning Office? Is there any word on where the “remote broadcasting location” is? Will this limit my ability to watch pornogra…errr…nature documnetaries? ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/254 "2002-12-12T20:27:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RTFirefly \* > \*\*Well, in _that_ case: > > ::spies Q.N. Jones at the coffeehouse:: > > Mmmmm, that smells nice! What flavor of tea is that, that you’re drinking? \*\* It’s English Breakfast. Hey, I recognize you! You’re that guy who’s always staring at me in the library, as if I were one of Mr. Welby’s harlots. And don’t you have some library books that are overdue? ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/255 "2002-12-12T20:39:46Z")
And you can read about them in next weeks _Gazette_. Where is that **Jester**. I swear, the press pass has gone to his head. Hey, where’s my car? _Maintains dignified silence on the whole ‘war’ thing._ ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/256 "2002-12-12T20:42:59Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\* with a hot young woman in one hand and a martini in the other._\* Speaking of, you still owe me $300 for the last girl I sent you. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/257 "2002-12-12T20:53:03Z")
MEMO TO: Ms. Pussy Galore FROM: Plnnr Please retrieve $300 from petty cash and meet me in my office. I’d like to dictate yet another letter. ---
**Author:** ![Tupug\_Anachi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@Tupug\_Anachi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tupug_Anachi)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/258 "2002-12-12T20:56:01Z")
Ha! Right after I Have-A-Heart trap Cougarfang outside Eve’s trash, I’m headed for Tahiti Night! I figure Plnnr will be blotto enough to sign my request for salary increase without a struggle. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/259 "2002-12-12T21:05:24Z")
> [@](#): > > **Rico:** > Ok, so the bear’s toast(ed)… Ummmmmmmmm…did I just get killed? See, I got this beer and cookie buzz going and I really can’t tell. If I’m dead, then the bear cave down at the end of Elm Street is now haunted. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/260 "2002-12-12T21:12:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by scott evil \* > \*\*A big-city refugee, I write, direct and choreograph the musicals that **Velma** performs in at the local community theatre. (See _Waiting for Guffman_.) > > **Eonwe** ’s my rehearsal pianist. > > By day, I run the local gay pub/strip joint. Ironically, I’m also the chairperson of the local chapter of AA. > > We’re working on getting **ryan\_liam** , the town drunk, into the program… with little luck. \*\* All right, **scott** , but we don’t have much of a budget, so don’t quit if I can’t give you any more money! But don’t worry, I have faith that you can do anything. In fact, there’s only one other person who can do what you do, and that’s Barbra Streisand.😉 But I don’t act. I will produce, direct, stage manage, or be a casting agent, but no one wants to see me have a lead in a musical. We’ll get **Quasimodem** to help us, and with his job at the radio station, we’ll get good publicity! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=14)