# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 27,757 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006 "2002-12-11T14:52:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![Mr.Wrong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@Mr.Wrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Wrong)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/281 "2002-12-13T01:49:51Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by LucChiq_ > Well I am game, but my roomie can’t make it since she already got a job. Since you are showing me your bad tattoo I’ll show you mine too. Sounds great, let’s head down to Tahiti Night. I’ll by you a Mai Tai or four, and we can compare body art. Later on, if you like, we can slide down to the river for a moonlight float on my specially-made Love Kayak. By the way, did you notice that we both moved to Doperville in the same month? It must be fate. ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/282 "2002-12-13T01:53:40Z")
Well, it seems our hospital has two nurses, a couple of administrators, and no doctors. That sounds like a realistic ratio, but I’m installing my SO as the Chair of the Surgery Dept. And just so **plnnr** is aware, she’s only actually assisted on mammoplasties, so your secretary might wind up pointing in different directions. But she will be larger, so no biggie, right? As for me, well I cashed out near the top of the Web Bubble\* and we migrated into Doperville, attracted by the incredibly intelligent population and the offshore reefs. I’m semi-retired, but I do a lot of underwater photography on the reef and volunteer on **Francesca** ’s EMS squad. I’m planning a coffee table book, with the release party at either **Skerri’s** or the bookstore, maybe both. **Rico** , next time you need a militia, I’d suggest trying maybe **TheLoadedDog** and **ex-tank**. Bears tend to run towards the cute-and-cuddly type. Sure, they _look_ intimidating, but they’re really creampuffs. \*Yes, we did just take a left turn into complete fantasy. why do you ask? ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/283 "2002-12-13T02:20:23Z")
Well, I see that **Rue** and **Tikki** are working AT the post office; it looks like they need a letter carrier. I’ll be the vaguely remote, efficient letter carrier who always gets your mail out by noon. Every now and then, I’ll ask people about some personal matter they don’t remember discussing with me. When I die, my heirs will discover that I have a basement full of pornography, some still in their discreet plain wrappers, clearly addressed to certain members of our community (who were too embarrassed to inquire). ---
**Author:** ![Tupug\_Anachi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@Tupug\_Anachi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tupug_Anachi)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/284 "2002-12-13T02:40:40Z")
I may hold an ace here. Puppy kicking is definitely a felony offense. Plnnr, about my raise? ---
**Author:** ![TheOnlySaneOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@TheOnlySaneOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheOnlySaneOne)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/285 "2002-12-13T02:40:40Z")
\ Yeah, I saw this ad for TV anchor, and I was wondering if it’s still open…Well, I’ve been in several low-budget movies, and had two years of acting class… I got the job? Oh, thank you, and…What do you mean that we go on the air in two minutes?! I haven’t even…no, wait! \ And in today’s top stories… ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/286 "2002-12-13T02:57:10Z")
\ We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for the following breaking news update. I’m Rico Babalu for KDPE Radio News. Tonight’s top story…Local TV station hires new news anchor. Anchor is known by the name **TheOnlySaneOne**. Local police are checking records for a person of that name in surrounding areas. Name is suspiciously familiar. Stay tuned for further updates. Now back to our program. ---
**Author:** ![Juniper200](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@Juniper200](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Juniper200)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/287 "2002-12-13T03:32:02Z")
::sigh:: Chief’s on the warpath again, **Jester**. You’ve got copy to write! I guess I’ll take a rain check on those daquiris. And close your mouth–you might catch a fly, and you’re drooling besides. Mr. Chance, if you’re going to ask me to break down this front page and move the City Hall financial stuff above the fold, you’ll have some explaining to do to **Gorgon**. He and **anya marie** worked damn hard on that photo package about the fluffy puppies down at the animal shelter, and they’ll kill me if I move it off 1A without a good reason! ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/288 "2002-12-13T03:35:32Z")
**COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENT:** The Doperville Community Theatre will be holding open call auditions for a new Tolkien-based musical: _ **Fellowship of the Cockrings: the Two Twinkies and the Return of the Queen** _ _Among the roles:_ Dildo Baggins Frodo “the Felcher” Baggins Ram ‘n’ Gagmee Legomy Figleaf Cherry Randyfuck _and others…_ Looking for young, doe-eyed males, 18-21, smooth-chested a plus. Vocal range: tenor to contr’alto. Must be comfortable with woodland creatures and full-frontal nudity. Send 8 x 10 glossy with resume to **scott evil** , c/o The Teabag Tavern and Showbar, Doperville. Book, music and lyrics by **scott evil** Directed and choreographed by **scott evil** Orchestrations by **scott evil** Sets, costume and lighting design by **Esprix** (Token straight) Rehearsal pianist: **Eonwe** Box office management and accounting: **matt\_mcl** ---
**Author:** ![LucChiq](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4491bb/32.png) [@LucChiq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LucChiq)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/289 "2002-12-13T03:35:33Z")
## quote: ## Originally posted by Mr. Wrong Sounds great, let’s head down to Tahiti Night. I’ll by you a Mai Tai or four, and we can compare body art. Later on, if you like, we can slide down to the river for a moonlight float on my specially-made Love Kayak. By the way, did you notice that we both moved to Doperville in the same month? It must be fate. Well I’ll probably need 5 or 6 Mai Tai to get on your Love Kayak. And by the way my roomate loves Kayaks, is there room for three in it? She is off work today. ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/290 "2002-12-13T03:45:54Z")
_heads off to **Minty Green** and **bristlesage** ’s office to file a lawsuit against the town of Dopeville. If **plnnr** ’s secretary can get a boob job with taxpayer money, then every citizen should have their equal opportunity for the same. Women who want boob jobs unite!_ I don’t care about **plnnr** ’s devious ways, I am going to get my boob job! Hey, **Jonathan Chance** , **Jester** , **Rico** and all you media types, can you keep this from leaking? It will be simply awful for my Resource Center. What’ll it take to keep you quiet? We certainly don’t want any religious scandals around here! ---
**Author:** ![Skerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/291 "2002-12-13T04:10:11Z")
Hey, **scott evil**! Long time no read! I would be more than willing to host an opening night cast party for your “Fellowship of the Cockrings” cast. I mean, come on. I’m friends with **pbrtallboy** , for cryin’ out loud. We’ll have cutsie appetizers (since I can’t spell hors d’oeuvres right now. I had to resort to [www.dictionary.com](http://www.dictionary.com), for crying out loud) and various non-alcoholic drinks. (Anyone who wants to bring something alcoholic must keep it away from **scott** , since he’s doing a good job so far, and I’m **very** happy for him.) Can I get a reduction under this **boob job lawsuit**? I don’t feel like carrying around this mess any more. (Besides, I want to be able to compete with all the hottie chick dopers that have a great rack.) ---
**Author:** ![Bullwinkle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@Bullwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/292 "2002-12-13T04:26:00Z")
A town this big, with all this nightlife and no pizza delivery ? I’m gonna’ clean up. _BW’s Pizza opening soon! It’s there in thirty minutes or we double your tip!_ ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/293 "2002-12-13T05:20:31Z")
C’mon and join in the lawsuit, **Skerri**. [sub]Of course, you pay half the attorney fees.[/sub] Now that I think about it, I don’t need bigger boobs, I need perkier boobs! Perky boobs funded by state money. Oh, how I love Dop…Jesus! I meant Jesus! ---
**Author:** ![TVGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/82dd89/32.png) [@TVGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/294 "2002-12-13T05:21:37Z")
I’m one of the folks bringing you all the news, information, scandals, entertainment and sports - LIVE to your living room, day in and day out. When Mayor **Cecil** speaks, OUR cameras and microphones will be there first, bringing you every word of his important thoughts LIVE! Using millions of dollars worth of the latest in broadcasting technology, we’ll bring you more shite than you ever thought you could want LIVE into your living rooms. We’ll think it’s so compelling that you can’t turn it off, 'cause it’s LIVE!! When we realize that the citizens of Dopeville are actually a highly literate and cerebral bunch, we’ll curse the PBS station and mutter about the falling ratings … then we’ll go out and dig up more scandal and almost bare breasts and put on more “reality TV” in an effort to bring in more viewers (we are affiliated with Fox, after all.) But the citizens of Dopeville will continue to baffle us in a distinctly non-mass-media sort of way, by READING BOOKS and actually _THINKING_ (heaven forbid.) Eventually, we’ll be forced to admit that we really don’t fit in Dopeville and I’ll retire to a small bookstore to greet Dopers with a smile and really good prices. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Wrong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@Mr.Wrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Wrong)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/295 "2002-12-13T05:34:16Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by LucChiq_ > Well I’ll probably need 5 or 6 Mai Tai to get on your Love Kayak. And by the way my roomate loves Kayaks, is there room for three in it? She is off work today. There’s always room for another open-minded gal. Especially with all this turmoil going on in town. Have you been listening to the radio tonight? It sounds like we might have a riot on our hands! It really makes you think, darlin’. This whole crazy world could go up in flames tomorrow, just like that. I don’t know ‘bout ya’ll, but I don’t wanna spend my last night in Dopeville fightin’ City Hall. Climb on in ladies, let’s us forget the world for a while… ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/296 "2002-12-13T05:49:20Z")
I own an antique store in what used to be a department store back in the '50s. I decorate the walk-in display windows appropriately to each season, and the goods inside are many and varied, but principally from the mid-20th century. An adjacent building, connected directly to the interior of the store with big glass doors, houses a small diner where you can get cold drinks in hot weather, hot drinks in cold weather, a full range of soda fountain treats, hot dogs and sandwiches and a selection of delicious desserts. The diner, of course, has a black and white checkered floor, a Wurlitzer jukebox, and more chrome than it has any right to. There’s always a plate of free cookies on the store counter, and I’m willing to chat about anything and everything you have the time for. **Gunslinger** is the co-proprietor of the _Emporium_, as we call it, and also works at the Gazette as another photographer. There’s room in this town for two, ain’t there? ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/297 "2002-12-13T07:21:14Z")
Uhhh…errr…ye-yeah. R-r-r-ain check…kay… \ Right, well Chief, let me tell you I’ve got a doozy. See, not only was **plnnr** building a little Boob Shop for his secretaries, but he was getting a little bit of cash on the side. You see, a certain lingerie salesperson with a name that starts with K, ends in S and has a big asterik in the middle made a deal with Mr. plnnr to put a **Knyckers** lingerie outet annex onto the building! That way, she gets to fleece all the newly-boobed customers who need whole new sets of lingerie, and **plnnr** gets to skim the profits. It looks like this time, the “\*” stands for “Tomfoolery.” Or something. I’m still working on the lead. ---
**Author:** ![Birds\_On\_A\_Bat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@Birds\_On\_A\_Bat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Birds_On_A_Bat)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/298 "2002-12-13T07:48:43Z")
I’m “That Guy.” As in, “there’s that guy again…” Occasionally I can be seen muttering to myself about my beloved Cardinals (usually “How could LaRussa let Morris bat in the top of the ninth? What an…”) but most of the time I’m the shy and quiet type. If only my fellow residents knew about my BIG SECRET and the effect it will have on this town… ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/299 "2002-12-13T08:59:05Z")
New Ad Copy: Worried about **Civil Unrest**? Concerned about a corrupt government declaring Martial Law? Learn the systems of unarmed combat that freed the Korean Peninsula! Strong Mind! Stong Heart! Stong Body! ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/300 "2002-12-13T10:58:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tupug Anachi \* > \*\*Ha! Right after I Have-A-Heart trap Cougarfang outside Eve’s trash, I’m headed for Tahiti Night! \*\* Did I mention I’m related to Macavity? 😉 _Knocks over Eve’s trashcans, evading the trap and scent-marking nearby_ Nyah nyah… _Scampers off to hook up with Swampbear_ What say we wreak a bit of havoc around the town? 😃 I can get into basements… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=16)