# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 27,757 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006 "2002-12-11T14:52:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/301 "2002-12-13T12:36:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TheOnlySaneOne \* > \*\*\ > > Yeah, I saw this ad for TV anchor, and I was wondering if it’s still open…Well, I’ve been in several low-budget movies, and had two years of acting class… > > I got the job? Oh, thank you, and…What do you mean that we go on the air in two minutes?! I haven’t even…no, wait! > > \ > > And in today’s top stories… \*\* **TOSO** , meet **Persephone.**** Persephone, **, meet** TOSO** Now that you guys are here, I want you to investigate a rumour about a cookie-stealing gossiping bear…I thought Bigfoot was dead, but maybe not. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/302 "2002-12-13T12:46:55Z")
“The pen is mightier than the sword!” Actually, no. The pen is only mightier than the pencil. The sword is still mightier than both. MEMO TO: Ms. Pussy Galore FROM: Plnnr Please proceed to remit $300 from petty cash to Jonathan Chance. As I"ve informed you before, we run a cash only government here. Then, please contact either Ted Turner or Rupert Murdoch. I know of a certain local television station that may soon run into some unfortunate trouble with the FCC and may be interested in selling at fire-sale prices. Finally, please make sure that your grass skirt is mown and pressed for tonight’s festivities. Plnnr ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/303 "2002-12-13T13:01:47Z")
**Cougarfang** I think **Rico** may have offed me, so I may or may not be alive right now. Course, with this awful beer and cookie hangover this morning, if I’m dead, then I must be in hell, cause I sure feel like it. Anyhow, dead or alive, **Gorgon Heap** is screaming for this week’s gossip column for the Gazette. Ya got any good dirt? ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/304 "2002-12-13T13:18:43Z")
Gimme Heaps! HA ha ha ha ha!!! ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/305 "2002-12-13T13:47:56Z")
Dear Mr. **Plnnr** ; I have not heard from you in months regarding plans to add a \*\* Knyckers Lingerie Shoppe \*\* branch to your new Breast Enhancement Center. I am very anxious to know whether you would agree to the terms we set forth in our initial meeting, and when you would project the opening of this new Shoppe. Also, as regards our previous meeting; I seem not to be able to find the sequined garter belt I was wearing that morning. Is it possible I left it in your office? If so, I’d be much obliged if you could have it couriered to me, at my Shoppe. Thank you. Sincerely, Kn\*ckers ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/306 "2002-12-13T13:55:32Z")
**juniper** , tell **Gorgon** that we’ll give him a full 8 page Supplement AND he gets to cover all the ‘special appearances’ in the back room at the video store. That’ll take care of him. **Jester** , your mom called again. Where _were_ you all night? What do we have for A1 over the flap! And let’s get some guards on the presses now! ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/307 "2002-12-13T14:03:33Z")
Dear Ms. Kn\*ckers: Thank you for your recent letter concerning your town’s economic development efforts. I certainly do remember our discussion concerning an expansion of your business, and I have been working diligently to locate a suitable location for our joint venture. I have recently put into motion a plan that I believe will free up some valuable commercial property. I am currently working with the Federal Communications Commission to ensure that the property is vacated in a timely manner. Once this issue is resolved, the Industrial Development Authority of Dopeville intends to issue $5,000,000 in redevelopment bonds for needed site improvements. I can assure you that space for an expanded lingerie shop is envisioned. As you and have I discussed, nothing sets off a great rack like a great bra - and I know that you and your staff are just the people to provide this much needed service to our community. As to our previous meeting, I do, indeed, have the article of clothing to which you refer. As I am wearing it right now, I will be unable to return it to you at this time. Please accept the enclosed funds with my apologies. Thank you, again, for the continued operation of your business in Dopeville. It is through retail engines such as yours that our community continues to grow and prosper. Sincerely, Plnnr Town Manager Director of Economic Development Secretary/Treasurer to the Dopeville Industrial Consortium (DIC) BCC/ Ms. Galore: Please remit $50 to this young lady from petty cash. ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/308 "2002-12-13T14:42:00Z")
Why **JC** , what are you hinting at? I was, of course, out gathering news. You said that I _should_ cover the video store opening, right? [sub]Then gurls is purty…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/309 "2002-12-13T14:52:53Z")
Dear Mr. Plnnr; Thank you for your prompt response to my query concerning a Breast Enhancement branch of Knyckers Lingerie Shoppe. This is a very exciting project, and I am glad to hear that you are giving it the appropriate attention. The women of Dopeville deserve every opportunity to sculpt their bodies, and it is my mission to assist in these efforts, to the best of my ability. To this end, I am pleased to inform you that I am in the process of developing a new line of full-support brassieres, specially designed for the synthetically-enhanced Dopress, yet without the restrictive design that flaws so many full-figure products. I will look forward to premiering this line in the Enhancement Center Shoppe. If you would be interested in previewing some demo samples, it would be my pleasure to forward them to your office. Also, thank you for the garter belt reimbursement. I have used the funds to purchase a new bath basin for my pet-grooming operation. Sincerely, Kn\*ckers ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/310 "2002-12-13T14:59:49Z")
Ms K- I’d like to send **juniper** over to your shop. We’d like to ask you some questions concerning the Town Manager’s plans. I hear you’re ‘involved’ in the planning stages. And can we quote you? **Jester**! What the hell happened to my car? And why is there confetti all over the city room? ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/311 "2002-12-13T15:14:57Z")
Dear Mr. Chance; It would be my pleasure to discuss the merchandise and services my business provides, but I cannot address any questions about the Town Manager’s efforts. Those are matters you would have to take up with his office. If you would like to send someone over, I will be in the shop until 4, but I will be closing early to get ready for Tahiti Night at **Skerri’s**. I am hoping **Skerri** will allow me to perform some of my favorite tropical songs, tonight! Warmest regards, Kn\*ckers, lounge singer and naughty Shoppe proprietress ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/312 "2002-12-13T15:17:00Z")
I believe that it may now be time to consider levying a tax on printer’s ink. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/313 "2002-12-13T15:52:43Z")
Hah! We print out of state for postal reasons! Gonna try and interfere with the US Mail? [sup]Bounce a check on me, will he? The KC machine knew how to do this **right** [/sup] ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/314 "2002-12-13T15:58:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by InternetLegend \* > **Well, I see that Rue and Tikki are working AT the post office; it looks like they need a letter carrier.** We’re supposed to _deliver_this stuff? So the whole “leave it in a burlap bag on the front porch and let everyone root around until they find something they like” system isn’t going to fly? This job might be harder than I thought. -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![Hattrick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/34f0e0/32.png) [@Hattrick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hattrick)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/315 "2002-12-13T16:59:35Z")
Internal Memo: AirDope Inc. Location: Aerodrome / Base of Mt. Cecil Dear All, Whew, finally got back from my seasonal mail deliveries to to the north pole, and find out Civil unrest… Jeez I leave the roost for a few weeks and the whole place goes haywire. now only to move that new Transmitter from the downwind leg of my flight path. better call **ivylass** seems she wrote 'don’t touch 'specialy you **plnnr** on the base of it. not to mention I cant find **swampbear** anywhere no one to refuel my plane and my sexy co-pilot ran off with one of the elves. ahh back to batchelorhood. hmmmm no staff, no deliveries, no co-pilot. prolly need to call up the gazette and place a ad. hell why am I even writing this, no staff to read it 'DOH ---
**Author:** ![Hattrick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/34f0e0/32.png) [@Hattrick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hattrick)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/316 "2002-12-13T17:06:34Z")
- **Rue**!!! just got back from those santa deliveries… seems Mrs. Santa made you some special cookies, and I have a batch here for **Katcha** and **Suopo** as well. by the way I need to pick up all those christmas card I have missed seems that your mail deliveries are backed up. Just let me know when the next airmail service is needed and we’ll I me I’ll sort ya out ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/317 "2002-12-13T17:54:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Q.N. Jones \* > It’s English Breakfast. Yum! I _thought_ it smelled familiar. 🙂 > [@](#): > > Hey, I recognize you! You’re that guy who’s always staring at me in the library, as if I were one of Mr. Welby’s harlots. Durn, I thought I was just wistfully gazing in your direction. Trust me, I look at Welby’s wimmin in an _entirely_ different way. > [@](#): > > And don’t you have some library books that are overdue? Always. I keep on hoping the sparks will jump from my fingers to yours when I’m paying my overdue fines. ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/318 "2002-12-13T18:19:07Z")
Hey! I am Anya Marie and this is my first day at KDPE-AM. Its been great fun so far and i’ve just played all of these great rock song for you rawkstars out in Dopeville Ministry- Jesus Built My Hotrod KMFDM -Juke Joint Jezebel Led Zeppelin- Stairway to Heaven and Dancing Days. Crowded House-- Weather With You and Distant Sun The Beatles -Eleanor Rigby and Back in the U.S.S.R The Smiths- Shoplifters of the World Unite The Verve- Bittersweet Symphony Nirvana- In Bloom Gerry Rafferty- Baker Street Bad Company- Bad Company and Rock And Roll Fantasy Cake- The Distance Tim Finn-- Persuasion and Hit the Ground Running Dave Matthews Band- I Did It and Ants Marching Alanis Morissette- All I Really Want and You Oughta Know Janet Jackson- Rhythym Nation and Escapade Collective Soul- December Fugees --Fu-Gee-La and their cover of Killing Me Softly Alright rawkstars, if you’ve got something you want to hear. I’d like to hear from you! Calll KDPE at 555-KDPE, that’s 555-5373! Coming up I’ll spin some Neil Finn, some more Beatles someFiona Apple, Better than Ezra, Janis Joplin, Pearl Jam. Creedence Clearwater Revival, and maybe a couple by Split Enz, and some Stone Roses if Murray will please give me the CD. ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/319 "2002-12-13T19:29:47Z")
Your car? Well, that’s very to explain, boss. Y’see, there was this bear, right? And he was really drunk, okay, and he thought that there were cookies in the car. So I pull up to the TV station all innocent-like, and he just starts tearing the damn thing apart! But it’s okay, I still have the keys… \ Uhhhh…maybe you can fix it? Oh, and you don’t like the confetti? Well I’m sorry to hear that, but I was trying to get everybody into a more festive mood. Y’see, I followed my instincts (and my nose) and went rooting around in Mr. plnnr’s garbage last night. And guess what I found…memos, that’s what! And they’re all intact! It seems that **plnnr’s** secretary was most definitely not hired for her brains. We’ve got everything here: memos to the secretary, to **Kn\*ckers** , and even one suggesting that **plnnr** is secretly trying to get the denizens of Rival Town to lay siege to the TV station! Isn’t this great? Now we don’t have to have to publish a bunch of memos that **Eve** made up, since we’ve got the real thing! ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2002, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/320 "2002-12-13T19:57:40Z")
Anya Marie here and wasn’t that a great set! I am going to pay some Springsteen, Beck, Wilco, , U2, and The Wallflowers, A little more Split Enz, and Crowded House! We just got a request for some Tori Amos, Dixiw Chicks Santana. And Murray would like me to play the Foo Fighters And Travis. I can still fit in a few more requests, so please call before my show ends at 555-KDPE, that’s 555-5373! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=17)