# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 27,757 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006 "2002-12-11T14:52:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 18
**Author:** ![TheOnlySaneOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@TheOnlySaneOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheOnlySaneOne)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/341 "2002-12-14T01:55:09Z")
\ Good evening and welcome to the Dopeville (insert time here) News Break. I am your Anchor **TheOnlySaneOne**. Tonight’s top story is that **Skerri** ’s is holding it’s weekly Pajama and Margarita Party. Woot woot. Also in the news, yes, Trent Lott is an idiot. Our next story, First Lady **Eve** has been reported to be offering a reward for the capture of the cat who has been knocking over her trash cans. Verification of this report is pending. And that is the Doperville News Break. I’m **TheOnlySaneOne** and you are not. Good night, and I am heading over to **Skerri** ’s. \ ---
**Author:** ![racinchikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/342 "2002-12-14T03:00:04Z")
Hey there, **Edward The Head** , how’s about you and me start up a big band? Play a mix of swing and Really Bizarre Rock/Metal Covers. I can think of a few Metallica songs off the top of my head that could adapt well to a lot of brass. 🙂 We could open a makeshift club in the upstairs of the Emporium! ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/343 "2002-12-14T03:10:01Z")
Heh heh heh, I will play everyones requests as you lovely people call them in! Mornings are kind of awkward for me, but with your help this morning show will kick all kinds of ass. I’ve already gotten request for more Split Enz and Crowded House, Tears For Fears, U2, Rush, Tori, Beck and the Beatles If Treviathan brought back any cool tapes or CDs, we can fit him in too. Plnnr just might be one of our special guests and if you’ve got something you want me to play, just call 555-KDPE! ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/344 "2002-12-14T03:46:15Z")
The Railway Hotel _ **TheLoadedDog - Publican** Licenced to sell fermented and spiritous liquors_ Just across the road from **Skerri’s** is another drinking establishment, with a very different atmosphere. A traditional Australian/British pub (complete with boring name), it’s a huge, half boarded-up freestanding brick edifice which has seen better days. An Australian cattledog lies sleepily on the footpath right in front of the door, but the patrons love him, and step over him without complaint. The Public Bar has tiled walls and floor, a huge island bar, 70s vinyl orange barstools, a jukebox, dartboards, old KISS pinball machine, and two pool tables. An early opener, the first customers of the day are refugee partygoers from **Skerri’s** , roadworkers having a pick-me-up before work, and various dopers from society’s margins hunkered down at the bar chainsmoking. As the sun comes up, Aussie, NZ, and British backpackers from nearly every town in the state turn up to watch the AFL, Rugby League, and cricket satellite broadcasts live on the big screen. The Aussie theme isn’t contrived, so there are plenty of American regulars who treat this place as their second home. They start wandering in about lunchtime, and flick the TV over to the American Football. **TLD** gives them some friendly lip about the game being stupid, and the guys wearing pads, then gives everyone a beer on the house. In the evening, the thirsty, after-work crowd comes in, and it’s a mad rush in the cellar to keep the new kegs connected in time. About 8pm, the young’uns come in all dressed up, for a few beers and bourbons before heading off to **Skerri’s** for the night’s entertainment. **TLD** heads across the road to **Skerri’s** to borrow an extra couple of kegs of beer, and has a friendly drink over there while he’s at it. Contrary to popular belief, the two establishments have a good working relationship, and **Skerri** is very happy that **TLD** knows which favours to call up from the Municipality to somehow keep the Police around when we want 'em, and away when we don’t, and to get the street closed off once a year for the Beer Festival. **TLD** on the other hand, admires **Skerri** ’s professionalism, and is always pulling little favours (and borrowing kegs 'coz he didn’t order enough). ---
**Author:** ![OxyMoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9a140/32.png) [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/345 "2002-12-14T05:44:26Z")
Goodness me, seven pages and no **Judge**? Not even a **Justice of the Peace**? Well, now. No small town is complete without a justice of the peace, especially since in Doperville we have so little of it - or at least that’s what you’d think if you never read any but Mr. Heap’s tuppenny fishwrapper. It’s a part-time position but an important one, and since judging people at some length (and somewhat less reason) is perhaps the character trait most useful to the position. But the main reason to be a Justice of the Peace is to officiate at **shotgun weddings** , of which Doperville has had many and will continue to do so well into the future. And you see, with the position of officiant firmly in hand, one can also encourage the happy (?) couple to hold a reception at one’s **Steakhouse** , located ever-so-conveniently across Courthouse Square. Smaller parties are privileged to retire to my **Upstairs Apartment** , which has been known to hold as many as 27 Dopervillians in its 450 square feet. ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/346 "2002-12-14T08:40:04Z")
**To Heed the Call of Civil Unrest** Are you concerned about the future? Civil unrest and disordly drunken PJ wearing revelers got you down? Come on down to Dopeville Kuk Sool Won and sign up today. Our legions of Martial Arts Trained Warriors are eagerly waiting in the sidelines for a power vacuum to develop. Gey healthy, and kick some ass as the same time! Family rates available. Strong Body Stong Mind Stong HEART! ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/347 "2002-12-14T11:17:41Z")
Justice of the Peace in and for the State of New South Wales, Reg. # 9800781 REPORTING FOR DUTY SAH! ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/348 "2002-12-14T14:15:21Z")
Me, the town drunk the town madman and the villiage idiot, obviously in jail, sing songs till dawn,most notably ‘why oh why dillilah’ ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/349 "2002-12-14T14:18:25Z")
I’m the town documentary filmmaker. I’ll be needing a still photographer to work with. **Yosemitebabe**??? 😛 You will all be in the movie, but nobody is the star but Cecil. Film at 11. Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![Skerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/350 "2002-12-14T14:19:17Z")
I think I’m developing a crush on **TLD**. I mean, who can resist a cute Austrailian accent sweetly asking for keg upon keg of Guinness? Besides, he always invites me over to watch soccer games, no guy in my home town ever did that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/351 "2002-12-14T19:41:43Z")
**TLD** fair dinkum! I’ll be over after my day running KDPE for a few beers, sure! Now, do you stock the good stuff, like **Red Stripe**? ---
**Author:** ![scott\_evil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@scott\_evil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scott_evil)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/352 "2002-12-14T21:40:56Z")
_ **One night only!** _ … _at the **Teabag Tavern & Showbar** _ Join international adult film icons **Ryan Idol** and **Danny Summers** in an all-new erotic cabaret: _ **Weapons Inspectors: Butt Scuds Below the Border** _ With your hostess, the scathing, scorching **Cha Cha Corazón** , International Goddess of Love, featuring the sultry piano stylings of **Eonwe**. Shows at 9:20 PM, 11:10 PM, and 12:50 AM. Special closed, smoking AA meeting in the back room at midnight. Speaker: **Jeremy, the Floridian Faggot**. _ **Don’t miss it!** _ $8 cover. Open bar from 9 - 10:30 PM; 3 drink minimum afterward. Coat check mandatory. ---
**Author:** ![av8rmike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@av8rmike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/av8rmike)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/353 "2002-12-15T02:53:46Z")
I don’t know how to follow _that_, but… Appearing every Saturday afternoon until Christmas, at **Kyla’s Bookstore** , the **Dopeville String Quartet**. Yes, we found a cellist, but I don’t know who s/he is… 🙂 The **Dopeville String Quartet** plays ALL your holiday favorites, while you shop! DUM-da dum dum dum dum dum dum fa la la la la la la la la umm… **bristlesage** , hun? A little less second violin, it’s kinda hard to hear myself. Thanks… ---
**Author:** ![bristlesage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@bristlesage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bristlesage)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/354 "2002-12-15T04:33:25Z")
Okay, I don’t know what’s going on in this town, but I’ve now been called “hun” and “darlin’”. A little less patronizing, guys, or someone’s going to get a bow up his…well, never mind, but it’s probably too risque even for **scott evil** ’s show. But I will tone it down a little, **av8rmike**. But only because you said please. Oh, you didn’t? Well, then, I guess I’ll do it because I like you. [sub]…razzlefrazzin’ first violinists[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/355 "2002-12-15T05:36:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rico \* > \*\ ***TLD** fair dinkum! I’ll be over after my day running KDPE for a few beers, sure! > > Now, do you stock the good stuff, like **Red Stripe**? \*\* The main rule of the establishment is NO FOSTERS OR BUD. There is a fine selection of Aussie beers on tap. Victoria Bitter, tooheys New and Old, Reschs, XXXX Draught, and Coopers Sparkling Ale. There’s also London Pride and Bass for the Poms, and a good “heavy” for the Scots. We’ve also got Stella and Peroni. TLD is never above seeking the advice of the locals for American brews, and the Red Stripe is always flowing. Now, which would be the most nonchalant brew to be casually holding in my hand when **Skerri** pops over? (TLD looks in the mirror, and practices his “G’days”. 😃 ) ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/356 "2002-12-15T05:42:02Z")
Oh yes, and Guinness! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Skerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/357 "2002-12-15T06:04:11Z")
**TLD** , darling, it would be in your best interests if it were either Guinness or Newcastle. Those are the only two beers I drink. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/358 "2002-12-15T06:14:57Z")
Oooo yeah. Newcastle Brown! Why are there so many good brews I keep fergettin’? ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/359 "2002-12-15T07:55:49Z")
I’m the eccentric and shameless self-promoting[inventor](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=82107&highlight=autopostamatic) who is sometimes a bit [cranky](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=45294&highlight=welcome+wagon) towards the [youngsters](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=68583&highlight=welcome+wagon) and owns a [2-legged dog](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=51807&highlight=halvsie) that was once famous. I would also find a way to link a pic to me in the mood jacket, but my homepage is down. ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/360 "2002-12-15T14:06:56Z")
Alright, so here I am in my new time slot, drinking some vanilla coke and spinning quality rock for all of you in Dopeville. We Still need requests so call us at 555-KDPE! That’s 555-5373, if there is something you want me to play. We are coming off of a long, long set of the following songs that rock. Kate Bush- Running Up That Hill Peter Gabriel- Games Without Frontiers and In Your Eyes Rush- Tom Sawyer and Spirit of the Airwaves Led Zeppelin- D’Yer Maker, Tangerine and Kashmir Cypress Hill- Insane in The Brain Split Enz- Dirty Creature and History Never Repeats U2- Pride, One, Where the Streets Have No Name and So Cruel Tears For Fears-Everybody Wants to Rule the World and Head Over Heels Neil Finn- Sinner, Driving Me Mad and She Will Have Her Way Fleetwood Mac- Silver Springs Little lies, Rhiannon and, The Chain The Beatles- In My Life, Happiness Is A Warm Gun, Strawberry Fields, and Lucy in The Sky With Diamonds Culture Club- Church of the Poison Mind and Tumble For Ya Janis Joplin- Mercedes Benz and Bobby McGee Dispatch- Silent Steeples and Elias Crowded House- When You Come, Sister Madly, Chocolate Cake, special acoustic versions of Don’t Dream It’s Over, Distant Sun Duran Duran- Ordinary World and Come Undone Our Lady Peace- Clumsy and Innocent Beastie Boys- Fight For your Right and Sabotage Run-DMC - Christmas in Hollis Supertramp- The Logical Song Blondie- Heart of Glass and Rapture Nirvana - HeartShaped Box, Pennyroyal Tea, All Apologies Radiohead - Paranoid Android and Creep The Verve The Drugs Don’t Work and Lucky Man If you have a request call it in at 555-KDPE. And Murray or I will take the call and play what Dopers Want to hear! We have Pearl Jam and many, many, more on the way after this brief break! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=17) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=19)