# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 27,757 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006 "2002-12-11T14:52:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/121 "2002-12-11T22:06:31Z")
Huh. Well, I get to be **The Rival Town**. You know, the one that sits on land near Dopeville; the one that is responsible for supplying the villains from out-of-town (not to be confused with the villains from “The City”); the one that antes up the “other” football team Dopeville High (heh-heh…now _that’s_ a funny name for a school) needs to challenge to win the championship; the town that helps provide the “It’s Us Against Them” mentality; the lil’ hamlet responsible for every story cliche involving a buncha outsiders. Yeah. I get to be that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/122 "2002-12-11T22:37:10Z")
I think I will follow in the footsteps of my literary namesake and become the town’s private investigator. God knows I’m nosey enough. And I bet there’s enough going on around here to keep me rolling in dough. Who is the Chief of Police? Do I need to report in to him? Who can offer me a cheap little apartment? (I have cats) How about some office space? ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/123 "2002-12-11T22:39:47Z")
I’ll volunteer at the humane society and would also like to start up a community theater. Open auditions are this Friday, non-equity welcome. ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/124 "2002-12-11T22:49:54Z")
I can’t quite figure out where I fit in this town. Maybe the person who is destined to just read books and play with kiddies all day? Nah… can anyone come up with anything more imaginative? F\_X ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/125 "2002-12-11T22:57:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Flamsterette\_X \* > \*\*I can’t quite figure out where I fit in this town. Maybe the person who is destined to just read books and play with kiddies all day? Nah… can anyone come up with anything more imaginative? > > F\_X \*\* You could always defect and be part of my Rival Town. I always need a vampy villainess. Be default we will lose out in whatever nefarious scheme we have hatched, but it will keep us occupied and “in a job”, so to speak. Eh? ---
**Author:** ![mcms\_cricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@mcms\_cricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcms_cricket)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/126 "2002-12-11T23:00:09Z")
_Q.N. Jones said…_ > [@](#): > > I’m the town’s old maid librarian with the hornrim glasses and hair pulled back in a prim bun. Maybe someday I will whip off the glasses, let my hair down, and mesmerize some male patron with my stunning beauty. > [@](#): > > Aack! I missed that we already had a librarian! Back to the drawing board… Hey, the citizens of Dopeville are an intelligent bunch - they appreciate their library and use it constantly. Our circulation statistics are high! Believe me, there’s room at this here library for the both of us. I’m sure the library board will approve another librarian. I’d say that between the two of us librarians, and our MLIS student-helper (absolutely it’s part-time, Lsura - when can you start?), we’ll be fully staffed. Now we can add more story-times, we can stay open a bit later. Whoopee! Cricket (who’ll stop wearing the bun so people can tell us apart) ---
**Author:** ![Skerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/127 "2002-12-11T23:01:18Z")
Well, I have a good friend who is willing to give me his “Martini Handbook”, which is a collection of all the martinis he’s ever perfected. And I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I make the perfect Winston Churchill, if you prefer it that way. I’m working on the chocolate martini, though. And I’ve pretty much got the White Widow down pat, so it will definitely be a variety. So, we have: Mondays - Trivia with **bristlesage** Tuesdays - Open Mic Night with **Rebound Guy** Fridays - Pajama and Martini Night Saturdays - live bands, always with a local opening act Sundays - Bloody Mary Brunch (as long as we don’t have blue laws that say I can’t sell liquor before noon) Whatever shall I do on Wednesdays and Thursdays? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/128 "2002-12-11T23:03:19Z")
That is, more imaginative than the reputations I seem to have at the moment: [ul] [li]remembering (almost) everyone’s birthday[/li][li]giving out a bunch of Christmas cards[/li][li]spoiling the kids with gum / candy / stickers / love[/li][li]trying to help people, but usually having that fall through[/li][/ul] F\_X ---
**Author:** ![Manatee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@Manatee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manatee)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/129 "2002-12-11T23:05:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lsura \* > \*\*I’m the town’s quiet grad student. \*\* Then obviously we have a university. Put me in the English Department at Dope U (or is it U Dope?) as the medievalist. ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/130 "2002-12-11T23:20:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SkipMagic \* > \*\*You could always defect and be part of my Rival Town. I always need a vampy villainess. Be default we will lose out in whatever nefarious scheme we have hatched, but it will keep us occupied and “in a job”, so to speak. Eh? \*\* Oops. Missed your post, **SkipMagic**. Sorry about that., ☹ Well, I wouldn’t describe myself as particularly “vampy,” nor would I say I was a villainness at heart. Unless being called a piece of poo by one of the kids last week counts. (and according to her brother, I’m actually a guy… weird kids) I’ll think on that. **Skerri** , my mom picked up this cute little “Martinis 101” book at some food show she was at a couple months ago. Maybe I’ll ask her if I can have it just for the laughs. (she’s not going to make martinis, and neither am I) If I do get it, I’ll tell you about the martinis featured in the book, shall I? F\_X ---
**Author:** ![WortMeWorry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@WortMeWorry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WortMeWorry)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/131 "2002-12-11T23:20:48Z")
Do we have a cook for the diner? The kind of guy who can make eggs or something more exotic. I don’t even mind wearing a paper hat. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/132 "2002-12-11T23:23:27Z")
I’m the town’s harried working mother. But I just lost my job at the mill. The mill owner embezzled so much that we just went belly-up, you know? I need a job. I managed to work my way through college, with a degree in journalism. The newspaper seems to have enough employees, though. Hey…what’s this? The TV station is hiring? :::fixes makeup, arranges hair::: Hm. Wonder if they’ll let me read the news for them. My kids’ need shoes… ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/133 "2002-12-11T23:29:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Flamsterette\_X \* > \*\*Well, I wouldn’t describe myself as particularly “vampy,” nor would I say I was a villainness at heart. \*\* Yeah, but the _beauty_ of the situation is that yes, even though you start out a vampy villainess, the magical goodness of Dopeville will eventually convince your lil’ ol’ black heart that your evil ways are, indeed, _evil_, thus stopping your reign of terror and letting the world (or, the Dopeville citizens) know of your true beauty, both inside and out. You’ll be the talk of the town for years to come. Everyone likes a convert. (Well, maybe not everyone, but work with me here, will ya’?) 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Genseric](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Genseric](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Genseric)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/134 "2002-12-11T23:29:51Z")
I’m the eccentric guy who lives in the renovated 60’s era Atlas missile silo just outside of town. I’m on a nodding acquaintance with about twenty people in town, but few people really know anything about me. I’m normally spotted going to the library every week or so, and occasionally playing my guitar in the park, while watching the ducks. I’m also an avid participant in **bristlesage** ’s pub quiz at **Skerri** ’s bar. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/135 "2002-12-11T23:53:04Z")
I’ll administrate the Dopeville Medical Center and run the billing department. We just need to find a good doctor. Robin ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/136 "2002-12-11T23:53:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ivylass \* > \*\*If I may, we still need a sheriff, a hospital, a sports team, a grocery store, music teachers, landscapers, a humane society… \*\* We also need a good sporting goods store. Fishing, hunting, hiking and biking. Canoes and kayaks upstairs (with those cool yet dopey boats you have to pedal). A climbing wall to test out the repelling gear. And a full line of Frisbees®. Maybe I don’t want to be Postmaster anyway… ---
**Author:** ![mcms\_cricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@mcms\_cricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcms_cricket)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/137 "2002-12-12T00:07:59Z")
We’ve got the diner, don’t we need a second restaurant to balance it out? You know, the sort of small, unprepossessing, off-the-beaten-track place with wonderful food and an eclectic menu where you never know what will be on it. Could be meatloaf, could be nouvelle cuisine, could be asian, you know, that sort of place. Don’t we need one of those? Otherwise, where will we eat after the diner is closed? Cricket (who hasn’t eaten dinner yet) ---
**Author:** ![bristlesage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@bristlesage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bristlesage)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/138 "2002-12-12T00:20:09Z")
Hey, **Ms Robyn** , my jobs don’t take up too much time. You want a hand with the billing? Also, if a lawyer needs someone to research crap for him or her, I’m pretty okay at that, too. ---
**Author:** ![Anubis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@Anubis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anubis)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/139 "2002-12-12T00:42:39Z")
I could be the morgue worker. No? Okay, how about resident Egyptologist? Zoologist? Charity worker? Any of those are good. ---
**Author:** ![dwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dwyr/32/363_2.png) [@dwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwyr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/140 "2002-12-12T01:05:24Z")
I suppose I could run the hospital lab. But I must have complete control. Then the laboratorians could be allowed to actually enjoy themselves at work, have a few decorative items like lovely plants to add a little color (besides the blood) and anyone uttering words such as “right-size”, “client” or “paradigm” would be summarily shot. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=8)