# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 27,757 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006 "2002-12-11T14:52:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/161 "2002-12-12T04:06:18Z")
I guess I’ll be the disaffected loner. **Rico** , I’d like to apply for the over night and weekend shifts at the radio station. I need something to make ends meet in addition to my jobs as the school’s crossing guard and being “Dante” to **brianjedi** ’s “Randall” at the convenience store next door. I spend my free time lurking in the library wishing I was bold enough to speak to the hot librarians, and setting off homemade pipe bombs in the woods. I live in a basement apartment on the edge of town, but am thinking of joining the forces of Evil in the Rival Town since I just can’t make a good impression here. ::wipes away tears and broods darkly:: Even in Dopesville I have no life. ---
**Author:** ![brachyrhynchos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brachyrhynchos/32/376_2.png) [@brachyrhynchos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brachyrhynchos)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/162 "2002-12-12T04:09:34Z")
I’m the sweet little old lady who watches birds. I dress neatly, but my socks are mis-matched. I bake cookies for the kiddies, but add ground-up mealworms. I was busted for running a wildly unsuccessful phone-sex line under an archaic Doperville morals law. My lawyer, **minty green** , saved me from doing time in the hooscow provided I supply the Doperville orphans with warm quilts. **Juniper200** patiently taught me the art, and I pick up my thread and fabric to work on the first panel… ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/163 "2002-12-12T04:15:18Z")
**widdershins** , I just got great news! KDPE has been approved for a 50,000 watt AM station! As our new overnight jock, you’ll be broadcasting to 24 western states - you’ll be famous and will soon be hosting _Dopeville Bandstand_. the afternoon teen dance party, on DBC, the Doper Broadcasting Company. Your life is not in vain, my friend. Join us and be strong. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Tupug\_Anachi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@Tupug\_Anachi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tupug_Anachi)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/164 "2002-12-12T04:16:13Z")
A terrible credit rating has driven me to take the low-paying, thankless job of Dopeville Animal Control Officer. I really like making sure all the pets in town are well taken care of and any dangerous critters are humanely trapped and disposed of. Since I could hardly support myself and my four dogs, two cats, cockatiel and lizard on my town salary :(, I moonlight as the town caterer. My Basil Tomato Tart is to die for. No one knows, but Eve invites me to tea from time to time to pick my brain for gossip since she knows I’m privy to the best homes in town. Oh, and the rumor that I occasionally pad my beef budget with road kill is a DIRTY LIE!!! ---
**Author:** ![av8rmike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@av8rmike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/av8rmike)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/165 "2002-12-12T04:24:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bristlesage \* > **And who will play in the Philharmonic? I’ll take up a second violin or viola position.** Sweet! No one else has grabbed the position! With me and **bristlesage** on violin and **Jpeg Jones** on viola, we’ve almost got a quartet! Who here plays cello? 😃 I could also be one of the music teachers, hot for **Cosmopolitan**. Or maybe **AV8R** , **flyboy88** and I run the local airport? ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/166 "2002-12-12T04:24:54Z")
I’m yet another grad student. Being of the same breed, I expect that I hang with Lsura a bit in the local cafe… I also spend a fair bit of time in the library attempting to find myself a lovely lady. After all, what sort of a town would this be without some scandal? ---
**Author:** ![minty\_green](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@minty\_green](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minty_green)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/167 "2002-12-12T04:27:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bristlesage \* > You willing to train a sassypants who will want to learn more than she probably should? I do excellent academic research. I hope that’s a modifyable skill. Darlin’ I don’t hire nobody who ain’t a sassypants. Give me six months, and we’ll own this little 'burg, assuming we can find a second lawyer. [sub]By “we,” of course, I mean “me.” Sorry, there’s this ethical prohibition on the sharing of fees, unless you’re Erin Brockovitch.[/sub]. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Wrong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@Mr.Wrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Wrong)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/168 "2002-12-12T05:31:30Z")
I’ll run a little whitewater rafting business on the south fork of the Dope River (the one with all the smart rapids). Dopers need nature. We’ll have plenty of gorgeous campsites, all with a beautiful view of Mt. Cecil. Once a year, we’ll sponsor the **Drop Yer Mouse & Pick Up an Oar Festival!** The highlight of which will be the Greater Dopeville Beer Tasting & Truth Telling Contest (harder than it sounds!). On the side, I’ll probably have to sell a little Straight Dope to make ends meet. ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/169 "2002-12-12T05:54:43Z")
I have just started up a third radio station: WJAZ (mine is on the East Coast :)). It plays nothing but jazz, 24-7. And some non-jazz Christmas music at Christmas time. Although my personal library is one of the most extensive in the world, I still regularly borrow from the Library and of course buy books from the bookstores, both Christian and secular. How did I get all of this money? Well, no one really knows, although there are vague rumours of foreign intrigue in my past. I will frequent any bars that serve non-alcoholic beverages. I am the one in the corner, reading a book, with a stack of books in front of me. ---
**Author:** ![brachyrhynchos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brachyrhynchos/32/376_2.png) [@brachyrhynchos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brachyrhynchos)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/170 "2002-12-12T06:01:41Z")
"Well, I need a theme for this quilt and I guess I’ll dedicate this to the Dopeville Denizens, with each panel representing one of Dopeville’s best: [ul] [li] **Cecil Adams** - Mayor Extraordinaire of Dopeville[/li][li] **Ed Zotti** - Deputy Mayor Extraordinaire[/li][li] **Eve** - First Lady, Madam Socialite[/li][li] **Gorgon Heap** - _Gazette_ photojournalist[/li][li] **vanilla** - data research assistant of the library[/li][li] **swampbear** - the Town’s friendly bear[/li][li] **ultress** - Proprietress of the local diner/cafe[/li][li] **FairyChatMom** - Science and Math teacher of the Middle School[/li][li] **Ethilrist** - runs a game store[/li][li] **LaurAnge** - the museum curator[/li][li] **Politzania** - the Spanish teacher and employee at the bookstore[/li][li] **lieu** - Rockhound[/li][li] **beegirl13** - Town veteranairian[/li][li] **Legomancer** - works at the game store[/li][li] **superbee** - brain surgeon[/li][li] **Kyla** - owns the town bookstore[/li][li] **Go alien** - the nonlocal alien[/li][li] **Skerri** - owns the local music club/watering hole[/li][li] **Rebound Guy** - resident emcee when in town[/li][li] **Jonathan Chance** - publisher of the _Gazette_[/li][li] **plnnr** - Town planner[/li][li] **MrVisible** - dazed novelist[/li][li] **tramp** - Pornstar[/li][li] **Zyada** - Belly dance teacher/programmer[/li][li] **lost4life** - Town character #1and Ladies Underwear Salesman[/li][li] **Kn\*ckers** - Proprietress of the local lingerie and dog-gromming shoppe[/li][li] **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** - Town Clerk[/li][li] **Hastur** - runs the town’s Occult Shoppe[/li][li] **Colibri** - Zookeeper[/li][li] **Maeglin** - Town torturer and executioner[/li][li] **Nutty Bunny** - Tax preparer/auditor[/li][li] **iconoplast** - runs the local coffeeshop[/li][li] **mcms\_cricket** - Town librarian[/li][li] **GingerOfTheNorth** - Town Empress[/li][li] **Rue DeDay** - Town Postmaster and Sports Store Owner[/li][li] **Weirddave** - Maniacal guy[/li][li] **Lsura** - Quiet grad student[/li][li] **Globe-trotter** - Works in the bookstore, planning her trips[/li][li] **Sunspace** - runs an international comics-publishing organization [/li][li] **Ryan\_Liam** - Town drunk[/li][li] **UncleBeer** - A Mayor Adams minion[/li][li] **deathawk** - Crabby recluse[/li][li] **Biba** - Town Lurker, possibly related to **Go alien** [/li][li] **Dinsdale** - Opinionated old crank[/li][li] **sailor** - Dinsdale’s rocker pal[/li][li] **Velma** - Dog channeler and detective and actress[/li][li] **BiblioCat** - Employee at the bookstore and library[/li][li] **Odieman** - Friendly uncle next door[/li][li] **Polycarp** - Town motosickle leather punk preacher, dreams about running the local Community College[/li][li] **ivylass** - owns the television station[/li][li] **Jessica2** - reluctantly manages the town’s escort service[/li][li] **eunoia** - reclusive ex-rockstar [/li][li] **RTFirefly** - tenured math perfesser[/li][li] **Ringo** - 'nother rockhound passing through, but just might stay[/li][li] **Barbarian** - Town barbarian[/li][li] **Firebat023** - Edge of town recluse[/li][li] **Treviathan** - runs the local FM community radio station[/li][li] **Q.N. Jones** - Town librarian (it’s a BIG library)[/li][li] **Dr. Rieux** - Teaches English/Film Reviewer/Cat Lover[/li][li] **Libertarian** - runs the town’s soup kitchen and Goodwill store[/li][li] **Zanshin** - Physics, chemistry, and engineering professor (with patches)[/li][li] **bristlesage** - crossword puzzle writer, storyteller, second violin and paralegal[/li][li] **slortar** - Village idiot[/li][li]**Rico]** - runs the town’s commercial radio station[/li][li] **mkl12** - Brewmeister of Dopeville Brau[/li][li] **dorkusmalorkusmafia** - local wiseguy and misinformationist[/li][li] **Spooky** - Long Lost Doper and sanctuarian[/li][li] **ScorpioStem** - Dopeville High School student and musician[/li][li] **SkipMagic** - Rival Town[/li][li] **Kinsey** - Private Eye[/li][li] **Flamsterette\_X** - Town archivist and welcome wagon, former vampy villainess[/li][li] **Manatee** - Medievalist professor[/li][li] **WortMeWorry** - Short-order cook at the cafe[/li][li] **Persephone** - harried working mother (unemployed)[/li][li] **Genseric** - Mysterious eccentric guy and duck feeder[/li][li] **MsRobyn** - Hospital Administrator[/li][li] **Anubis** - Morgue worker/Egyptologist[/li][li] **dwyr** - Hospital Lab czar[/li][li] **hardygrrl** - Dopesville Bank fraud specialist and hockey coach[/li][li] **Blackeyes** - On one side of the jail bars[/li][li] **minty green** - Lawyer. MY lawyer, esq.[/li][li] **Cosmopolitan** - Dopeville High School English teacher[/li][li] **anya marie** - dee jay and criminal journalist[/li][li] **Jester** - Cub reporter, aspiring writer[/li][li] **brianjedi** - video-store clerk[/li][li] **lel** - runs the Resource Center at the Dopeville Christian Church[/li][li] **widdershins** - disaffected loner, dee jay and school crossing guard[/li][li] **brachyrhynchos** - little old birdwatcher[/li][li] **Tupug Anachi** - Animal Control Officer, town caterer[/li][li] **av8rmike** - First violin, music teacher, pilot[/li][li] **Jpeg Jones** - Viola![/li][li] **flyboy88** - pilot and runs the grassy airstrip with **av8rmike** [/li][li] **andygirl** - grad student and library hanger-outer[/li][li] **Mr. Wrong** - Outfitter[/li][li]\*\* Super Gnat - owner of a third radio station and millionaire[/ul] [/li] My sincere apologies to anyone I might have left off or misrepresented - I’m not wearing my glasses. ---
**Author:** ![Lorenzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4da419/32.png) [@Lorenzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lorenzo)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/171 "2002-12-12T06:03:25Z")
I am the town madman. Not actually a resident of Dopeville, I live in a comfortably furnished shack in the badlands to the south of Dopeville with my wife and her sister, the two who have put up with my schtick the longest. I work part time hours at the watch factory out-of-town but get a full-time check for finding lost watches and remembering things others forget. Generally a reclusive autonomous expert, I associate with a very few and seldom head into Dopeville proper. ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/172 "2002-12-12T06:11:02Z")
I’d love to get a weekly nighttime spot on the community station KTRV 90.5, say from midnight to four a.m. on Wednesday nights. I’d play a strange, depressing mix of eclectic music, including such luminaries as **Tom Waits** , **Julee Cruise** , **Sigur Ros** , **,Nick Drake** , **Magnetic Fields** , **Rufus Wainwright** , **American Football** , **Bright Eyes** , **Emmylou Harris** , **Billie Holliday** , **Clem Snide** , **Cowboy Junkies** , **Brian Eno** , and **Leonard Cohen**. Occasionally, I’d announce the station ID and the local announcements, sounding lonesome and haunted and strange. And every so often, once every few shows, the phone would light up, and someone on the other end would talk to me about the music. And I’d leave in the dark cold of pre-dawn, big duffel bag of CDs in hand, looking grim but feeling bouyant. Oh, and **Jester**? Write. Write a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Wrong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@Mr.Wrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Wrong)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/173 "2002-12-12T06:11:36Z")
BTW, shouldn’t our sports teams be called the **Hamsters?** ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/174 "2002-12-12T06:15:51Z")
I’d be the All-Night Deejay at WDPR-FM. (Unless that job is already taken?) Quasi ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/175 "2002-12-12T06:17:05Z")
\*\*ARGHHH{/b]! **Mr. Visible got the job!**. Okay, then can I run the local community theatre? 😃 Q ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/176 "2002-12-12T06:24:11Z")
Nah, I’m just at the community radio station. You can have the commercial gig. I couldn’t stand doing the commercials. But you might want to moonlight at KTRV once a week or so; it’d be good for you to just play what you love, instead of what’s on the playlist, for a while. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/177 "2002-12-12T06:25:28Z")
Thanks, **Mr.V** , I accept! 😃 Quasi ---
**Author:** ![bristlesage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@bristlesage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bristlesage)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/178 "2002-12-12T06:25:30Z")
Have I been so lax as to not note (in my many postings to this thread) that I’m often seen in the company of the duck watcher and guitar strummer known as **Genseric**? But don’t worry, I don’t let him cheat at pub quiz. There is a free round for the winner (or winning team) at stake, after all! Also, glad we’ve got an almost quartet going and that my paralegal position is confirmed. And, hey, **Mr. green** , sir, I don’t need a cut of the profits. I just need a company car. Even better, a company horse. Who’s running the equestrian center? ---
**Author:** ![brianjedi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@brianjedi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brianjedi)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/179 "2002-12-12T06:33:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Skerri \* > \*\ ***brianjedi** , if you’re Randall from “Clerks”, then I automatically adore you. 😃 \*\* You have my permission to adore away, **Skerri**. -brianjedi ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006/180 "2002-12-12T06:47:37Z")
I’ve just moved here and would like to work at the post office with **Rue DeDay.** Not only am I nosey (That envelope arrived here already opened) but I can look through all the magazines and persue my hobby of collecting odd names. What do you think, Rue? Also, I would put a receptacle in the lobby for unwanted junk mail which I would roll and stack and shellack into a forest of 30 foot high trees as a statement against useless waste and the need to protect our environment. I just purchased two acres on Lake Dope for this purpose and have submitted forms in triplicate to **plnnr** for the town’s permission to do so. Also, I train animals in my off hours. **Swampbear** isn’t gonna see me naked, but if he learns well, he’ll get a cookie. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-27-757/142006.md?page=10)