# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 7270 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 19, 2000, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848 "2000-06-19T13:31:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/201 "2000-06-20T12:30:26Z")
“Class, pay attention. Today we are going to construct out of clay a model of a vagina and a penis. Evilbeth’s son, would you stop fondling the penis?” Note to self while the kids are giggling: Call jodih, my lawyer about upcoming trial dates. Go to Coldy’s and join book club. "Class, your models are very realistic. Evildaughter, the penis peircing is very original. Taterspud, your ability to put in a urethra and have it ooze out yogurt is really well done. But please stop licking up the …uh…mess. " ::::Bell Rings:::: Class gets up to leave:::::: " Tomorrow make sure you bring in your permission slips, we are going to learn all about gun safety from our local NRA rep, Mr. Ike. Feild trip to the clock tower." ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/202 "2000-06-20T12:36:03Z")
Well, since I have a noticeable lack of interest in my open “secretary” position for my political campaign, I have decided to swtich to my other skill and become the local high school jock who skips college and goes straight to the NBA. I continue to live in town, but in a large house over on the east side away from all of the riff-raff. I have immediate openings for a head of security, a financial manager, a group of 5 or 6 hangers on, and groupies. Lots of groupies. I have a boatload of money and no common sense, so I look to spend my bucks on big gold chains, vintage cars I will never drive, and canary yellow suits to wear on the bench when I am on injured reserve. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/203 "2000-06-20T12:37:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > “Class, pay attention. Today we are going to construct out of clay a model of a vagina and a penis. Evilbeth’s son, would you stop fondling the penis?” > "Class, your models are very realistic. Evildaughter, the penis peircing is very original. Taterspud, your ability to put in a urethra and have it ooze out yogurt is really well done. But please stop licking up the …uh…mess. " > \*\* I would post something is reply to this, but I’m too busy laughing like Beavis and Butthead. ---
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/204 "2000-06-20T12:40:37Z")
_looks at Mullinator on the way out_ Hmmm… you remind me of peachiblossoms and I don’t know why… ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/205 "2000-06-20T12:44:51Z")
I’ll be the lady dressed in purple who is always lurking in the shadows and says things that seem weird but actually make sense once you think about them in context. And I know everything about everybody, which everyone suspects I do so they’re kind of afriad of me. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Corrado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a88e4f/32.png) [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/206 "2000-06-20T13:01:15Z")
Damned kids today. ---
**Author:** ![winky99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/71c47a/32.png) [@winky99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/winky99)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/207 "2000-06-20T13:32:32Z")
::waking up with extreme hangover thanks to plenty of free Guinness:: I think this town is more exciting than my real one. ---
**Author:** ![aenea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c68b51/32.png) [@aenea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aenea)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/208 "2000-06-20T13:44:34Z")
No Canadian money in here! We run a fully stocked bar, with all the amenities you could ever want, and all we ask for is that you pay and tip in _real_ money! BTW, thanks for hiring that cocktail waitress John and Coldy, she’s working out great! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/209 "2000-06-20T13:46:00Z")
Nuts, I missed opening night at **Coldfire’s**. Well, 's what you get when you start up a dry goods/pharmacy type business… will have to make a stop in tomorrow night. Oh, **Eve** , the package you ordered is in. ---
**Author:** ![Pandora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eada6e/32.png) [@Pandora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pandora)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/210 "2000-06-20T14:00:27Z")
:: heads off to visit Michi’s animal shelter :: A puppy may be just what I need… My little house on Oak St. seems just a little quiet lately. Maybe I should consider joining the book club ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/211 "2000-06-20T14:10:20Z")
I am SO PROUD of the little toewn I founded—five pages in only two days! Though I am beginning to suspect that everyone in town (except Neuro) knows all about my little “book club . . .” By the way, HomeSlice, I am impressed—it takes a lot to be the Village Idiot in a town called “Dopeville!” OK, it’s the first day of summer and the town picnic is after work tonight in the park! The gazebo is all ready for the Dopeville Volunteer Fire Department Band (Ike has even put down his shotgun and picked up his tenor sax for the occasion). Moms, barflies, spinsters, beatnik poets, layabouts, all ready? “In the good old summer tiiiiime In the good old summertiiiiime, Strolling down the shady lane With your baby mine— You hold her hand and she holds yours And that’s a very good sign Thats she’s your tootsy-wootsy In the good old summertiiiime!” ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/212 "2000-06-20T14:45:27Z")
Who’s bringing food? 😃 Vital part of any picnic. ---
**Author:** ![Tymp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Tymp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tymp)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/213 "2000-06-20T14:45:33Z")
Eve, You should be proud. When I bought this little house up here on the hill, I knew I had a few charming neighbors down in the valley, but I had no idea that the population would explode like this. I’m so pleased that this little town has attracted such an influx of delightful, fun loving villagers from all over the world. In the spirit of consistency, I will not be attending the picnic. I will, however, send down a few cases of fine gin and fresh limes that I’ve just had flown in. Enjoy! ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/214 "2000-06-20T14:54:23Z")
**Skips class today claiming he’s sick, but really he shambles into Coldy’s and orders a 7 and 7 for breakfast and sips it, hands shaking, biting his nails while he stares at the doorway, his back to a wall** ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/215 "2000-06-20T14:57:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > You wanna cop a feel with the waitress? Go ahead. \*\* Uh, _excuse ME?_ I realize that Monster has to be the coolest new ‘resident’ (especially for a 17 year-old), but I think you’ve crossed the line BratMan. I may be slutty, but I’m certainly not into **jailbait**! :::cold shoulder::: ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/216 "2000-06-20T15:04:32Z")
On my way to the body shop, I stop by Coldy’s for my Usual. It’s a strange drink, that glows slightly. I’m the only one who drinks it without hallucinations and DT’s after one drink. It doesn’t seem to affect me. ---
**Author:** ![soulsling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@soulsling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulsling)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/217 "2000-06-20T15:06:30Z")
is there a butcher in this town? i mean a real butcher… :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/218 "2000-06-20T15:11:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Uh, _excuse ME?_ > > I realize that Monster has to be the coolest new ‘resident’ (especially for a 17 year-old), but I think you’ve crossed the line BratMan. I may be slutty, but I’m certainly not into **jailbait**! > > :::cold shoulder::: > \*\* Well _maybe_ if the slutty waitress who I was secretly smitten with had given me the time of day once in a while I wouldn’t have had to bottle my feelings in such a cold-hearted way. Can’t you see you’ve hurt me and this is my passive-aggressive way of getting back at you? Besides, he said he was shrubber. Monster the shrubber. He quoted Python, the man deserves a feel here or there. Not outright groping of you, just a brush of his hand against one of your . . . regions . . . as he reaches for his drink, give the kid a break, huh? Besides, 17 is legal age of consent in a lot of states. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/219 "2000-06-20T15:13:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > BTW, thanks for hiring that cocktail waitress John and Coldy, she’s working out great! 😃 > \*\* I’m not sure how to take this. Should I be insulted or proud? \*Having spent three hours after closing doing liquor inventory, Sue is dead tired when she shows up for the lunch shift the following day. Jubei walks in (looking hung-over and red-faced) asking for his keys.\* “Oh, I forgot to call a cab for you last night! I’m sorry, did you make it home okay?” ---
**Author:** ![soulsling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@soulsling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulsling)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/220 "2000-06-20T15:16:11Z")
okay, i’m your butcher. since there were no objections. 😃 got your meat right here pal, how do you like it cut? ::hangs some lamb carcasses in the window, throws up a few defeathered chickens as well…::: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=12)