# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 7270 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 19, 2000, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848 "2000-06-19T13:31:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![jubei2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a87d85/32.png) [@jubei2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jubei2k)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/221 "2000-06-20T15:47:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > three hours after closing doing liquor inventory, Sue is dead tired when she shows up for the lunch shift the following day. > > Jubei walks in (looking hung-over and red-faced) asking for his keys.\* > > “Oh, I forgot to call a cab for you last night! I’m sorry, did you make it home okay?” > \*\* “It’s aces, I think one of the karaoke groupies must’ve driven me home. Poor kid, she didn’t look much older than a college baby. At least, I _hope_ she was old enough to be in college.” Ugh. Head pounding, mouth dry, eyes blurry. Must be morning. “Hey Sue, ya got any aspirin behind that bar? I haven’t seen that big gorilla you call a bouncer around, lately. If any of these punks in the lunch crowd give you the business, come send 'em over here. I’ll tap 'em one on the chin. And don’t let 'em get fresh with you, baby. You’re better than that.” ---
**Author:** ![etgaw1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@etgaw1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etgaw1)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/222 "2000-06-20T15:55:38Z")
I am the likeable high school science teacher. I have won the state’s Teacher of the Year award 3 years running because I teach science so it is FUN! I am the wrestling coach and I tutor the Jocks so even they get good grades. All the girls who take my class have a crush on me and the football players think I am COOL. I live in the loft above Coldfire’s bar and date the very sexy high school nurse. I padded the floor as to not disturb the bar that often. 😉 I don’t talk about my past and when it comes up I quckly change the subject. I respect Baloo for his attempts. Nobody know where I come from but everybody likes me they just think there is something odd about me. ---
**Author:** ![GolfWidow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a698b9/32.png) [@GolfWidow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GolfWidow)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/223 "2000-06-20T16:04:03Z")
Knock, knock, knock. Eve? I just wanted to drop off some potato salad for the picnic. Don’t worry, it’s only been sitting in the summer sun for a couple of hours. Should be just fine! ---
**Author:** ![GolfWidow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a698b9/32.png) [@GolfWidow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GolfWidow)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/224 "2000-06-20T16:12:13Z")
BTW, I’m looking for a golf pro for the golf course. Doesn’t pay much but I’ll pick up your tab at the bar once a week. After attempting to give lessons to BratMan007, Odieman, ChiefScott and Mullinator, you’re going to need a few drinks. (Guys, that means you’re allowed on the course, but ONLY for lessons with a trained professional). ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/225 "2000-06-20T16:27:40Z")
In my time off from the rigorous NBA schedule I play a lot of golf. As a result, the wildlife population of our fair burg seems to be rapidly diminishing. If anyone wants to be a bird watcher I suggest taking up another hobby. ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/226 "2000-06-20T16:34:31Z")
Did I also mention that I own the local gym: Mikey’s health & fitness center. But it’s not a good place to meet me. When I go there i’m not there to make friends, i’m in my focused workout mode. I suggest ALL YOU GUYS FROM THE BAR LAST NIGHT come to my new gym and burn off all those “Guinness beer calories.” C’mon over! I’m waiving the initiation fee and membership fees for the dopers, the first 6 months are free! ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/227 "2000-06-20T17:29:57Z")
As the strains of “Good Old Summertime” are carried away by the breeze, the Dopeville Men’s Chorus assembles around the town’s Acknowledged Beauty for “The Girl On The Magazine Cover” from “Easter Parade.” \* The girl I love Is on a magazine cover It seems they painted her Just for me. I’d fall in love If I could ever discover A little girl quite as nice as she If I could meet A girl as sweet I’d simply claim her And name her my queen. For if she ever came I would love her the same As I love her on the cover Of a magazine. \<\\> Thanks, guys! ---
**Author:** ![Tally-Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@Tally-Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tally-Ho)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/228 "2000-06-20T18:54:42Z")
I’m the quiet, young lady that people see around town but nobody actually notices. No one is quite sure who I am or what I do. I work in the Doperville City Hall, invisibly keeping things running and spend my nights in a shadowy corner table at Coldfire’s bar, trying to work up the courage to audition for Shayna’s group. Chrisbar ---
**Author:** ![Pandora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eada6e/32.png) [@Pandora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pandora)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/229 "2000-06-20T19:31:41Z")
:: Pandora wonders if it would be ok to bring her new puppy to the picnic. :: I just couldn’t bear to please the little darling alone ---
**Author:** ![dook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@dook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dook)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/230 "2000-06-20T19:39:25Z")
I’ll be the tobacconist who sits in a rocking chair in front of his shop all day smoking a pipe… -dook ---
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/231 "2000-06-20T19:45:02Z")
“Yer know, Sammy, that, uh, the aerodynamics of a bumblebee make it nearly impossible to fly?” “Shut up.” “Yer, ah, OK.” ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/232 "2000-06-20T19:47:03Z")
I’ll be the town hired gun–Dirty deeds done dirt cheap! Anybody need any dirty deeds done? ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/233 "2000-06-20T19:51:20Z")
“Pandora wonders if it would be ok to bring her new puppy to the picnic.” –Just make sure it isn’t one of those “queer-type dogs,” or it’ll be sure to get beaten to death with a vaccuum-cleaner attachment. O’ course, we don’t allow anyone to gay-bash our dogs here in Dopeville . . . ---
**Author:** ![Michi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@Michi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michi)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/234 "2000-06-20T19:58:47Z")
A puppy at the picnic would be great. Just make sure it has plenty of fresh water and a nice place in the shade. I’ll leave my cats at home, but I’ll bring some fried chicken and watermelons. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/235 "2000-06-20T20:00:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > :: Pandora wonders if it would be ok to bring her new puppy to the picnic. :: > \*\* Fine, bring the puppy, just make sure there’s enough puppy for everyone. I like mine medium-rare. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/236 "2000-06-20T20:12:40Z")
OK, the Dopeville Volunteer Fire Department Band is tuning up in the gazebo, the day is cooling off and everyone is gathering in the park for our first annual picnic. Everyone pick up your sheet music and join me in the Dopeville Town Song, with apologies to Comden and Green In Dopeville by the sea, Where love and laughter live eternally! In Dopeville by the hill, Where gondolas go gliding by the mill! Tropical nights—Festival lights! Strudel for two at the midnight bullfights! In Dopeville, lovely Dopeville, Where the flying fishes play! Where the schnitzel is high as an elephant’s eye And the skies are not cloudy all day! Come to Dopeville with me, Liebchen! By the sea— Olé! In Dopeville by the sea, Where all the world’s in love with gay Parée! In Dopeville on the shore, Where Geisha girls keep coming back for more! We’ll live in style, Gold by the pile— Goulash for two as we barge down the Nile! In Dopeville, lovely Dopeville, Where the corn and 'taters grow! In our sweet home sweet home all the roads lead to Rome, So my darling, lets hurry and go! Come to Dopeville with me,Liebchen! By the sea— O-lé! ---
**Author:** ![dcnewsman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dcnewsman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dcnewsman)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/237 "2000-06-20T20:12:58Z")
Following an undercover investigation, we have learneed that Coldfire’s has been peeling the labels off the liquor and beer bottles it sold during its grand opening and is glueing them on cheep swill imported from Tiwan but still charging top shelf prices. ---
**Author:** ![dcnewsman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dcnewsman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dcnewsman)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/238 "2000-06-20T20:13:35Z")
Following an undercover investigation, we have learneed that Coldfire’s has been peeling the labels off the liquor and beer bottles it sold during its grand opening and is glueing them on cheep swill imported from Tiwan but still charging top shelf prices. ---
**Author:** ![brachyrhynchos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brachyrhynchos/32/376_2.png) [@brachyrhynchos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brachyrhynchos)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/239 "2000-06-20T20:25:36Z")
Muttering “damn golfers…more like damn bird-killers” under her breath, the sweet old birdwatching lady makes her irritable way out of the bar, sans absinthe. This has made her not only pissy, but also in the mood to cook. She stops at the bait-shop on the way home. “Mojo, I need some nice, fat nightcrawlers. Maybe some crickets. \<_those will go nicely in the “macadamia” raisin cookies for the picnic_\> Do you have any blue quill duns - I’m thinking of flyfishing.” ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/240 "2000-06-20T23:23:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Muttering “damn golfers…more like damn bird-killers” under her breath, the sweet old birdwatching lady makes her irritable way out of the bar, sans absinthe. > > This has made her not only pissy, but also in the mood to cook. She stops at the bait-shop on the way home. > > “Mojo, I need some nice, fat nightcrawlers. Maybe some crickets. \<_those will go nicely in the “macadamia” raisin cookies for the picnic_\> Do you have any blue quill duns - I’m thinking of flyfishing.” > > \*\* \*Self makes note to skip cookies. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=13)