# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 7270 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 19, 2000, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848 "2000-06-19T13:31:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/321 "2000-06-23T03:55:08Z")
Smeghead lives in the old ramshackle house just outside of town with the lawn going to seed. You know - the old Smeghead place? None of the kids dare go there. If a ball flies over the tall, wrought-iron fence, it stays there. Some say forever. The uninitiated think the house is abandoned, but a light can be seen shining from the basement windows well into the wee hours of the night. Half-formed shilouettes flicker by as old man Smeghead works on his mysterious projects. Rumor has it he’s dabbling in the black arts, but really he’s just trying to genetically engineer a woman. He’s pretty eccentric, that Smeghead. Firmly planted in the outskirts of society. Everyone’s heard of him, but no one really knows much about him. He’s not always real up on what’s happening in town. Hell, it took him the better part of a week to notice he was getting neighbors. He doesn’t socialize much, and the town prefers it that way. On those rare occasions when he does venture out into town, the respectable folk cast dubious glances in his direction when they think he’s not looking, but he notices. Oh, yes. He notices. And unbeknownst to the rest of the townsfolk, ol’ Smeghead has a telescope up in the tower that he uses to keep track of people’s lives. His time will come. Oh, yes. His time will come… ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/322 "2000-06-23T03:55:38Z")
Smeghead lives in the old ramshackle house just outside of town with the lawn going to seed. You know - the old Smeghead place? None of the kids dare go there. If a ball flies over the tall, wrought-iron fence, it stays there. Some say forever. The uninitiated think the house is abandoned, but a light can be seen shining from the basement windows well into the wee hours of the night. Half-formed shilouettes flicker by as old man Smeghead works on his mysterious projects. Rumor has it he’s dabbling in the black arts, but really he’s just trying to genetically engineer a woman. He’s pretty eccentric, that Smeghead. Firmly planted in the outskirts of society. Everyone’s heard of him, but no one really knows much about him. He’s not always real up on what’s happening in town. Hell, it took him the better part of a week to notice he was getting neighbors. He doesn’t socialize much, and the town prefers it that way. On those rare occasions when he does venture out into town, the respectable folk cast dubious glances in his direction when they think he’s not looking, but he notices. And unbeknownst to the rest of the townsfolk, ol’ Smeghead has a telescope up in the tower that he uses to keep track of people’s lives. His time will come. Oh, yes. His time will come… ---
**Author:** ![kiffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/d78d45/32.png) [@kiffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiffa)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/323 "2000-06-23T04:04:02Z")
Kiffa Treadlightly enters Coldfire’s bar … looking to see if her nutsy, putzy birdwatching/absinthe drinking/worm cookie eater sister is there. Whew, thank god she isn’t and the cookie plate is empty. Kiffa Treadlightly is a Jessica Fletcher/Angela Landsbury wanna be. She writes mystery novels off the top of her head and never uses spell or grammar check. She hasn’t sold one single story, but prides herself on being available to solve any murder. Naturally, she is always on the other side of town when something happens. She has hissy-fits whenever Evilbeth or Persephone have some news before Kiffa does. She hissy-fits alot. She lifts a glass of tequila in honor of Wally and leaves - hightailing it to the blues bar on the other side of the tracks. Her Delroy Lindo looking husband, Mr Treadlightly, sings bass at the blues bar with the Sorely Tempted. When not traveling, Mr Treadlightly plays poker and adds his winnings to their kids’ college fund. He travels alot, she hangs out at the blues bar with her jelly jar of hooch while trying to avoid her sister’s wormy cookies. OOOhhhhhooh, it’s sunny outside, but it’s cold, grey and rainy inside even since you left me …Kiffa Treadlightly is trying to come up with a good plot for her next literary disaster. ---
**Author:** ![kiffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/d78d45/32.png) [@kiffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiffa)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/324 "2000-06-23T04:04:13Z")
Kiffa Treadlightly enters Coldfire’s bar … looking to see if her nutsy, putzy birdwatching/absinthe drinking/worm cookie eater sister is there. Whew, thank god she isn’t and the cookie plate is empty. Kiffa Treadlightly is a Jessica Fletcher/Angela Landsbury wanna be. She writes mystery novels off the top of her head and never uses spell or grammar check. She hasn’t sold one single story, but prides herself on being available to solve any murder. Naturally, she is always on the other side of town when something happens. She has hissy-fits whenever Evilbeth or Persephone have some news before Kiffa does. She hissy-fits alot. She lifts a glass of tequila in honor of Wally and leaves - hightailing it to the blues bar on the other side of the tracks. Her Delroy Lindo looking husband, Mr Treadlightly, sings bass at the blues bar with the Sorely Tempted. When not traveling, Mr Treadlightly plays poker and adds his winnings to their kids’ college fund. He travels alot, she hangs out at the blues bar with her jelly jar of hooch while trying to avoid her sister’s wormy cookies. OOOhhhhhooh, it’s sunny outside, but it’s cold, grey and rainy inside even since you left me …Kiffa Treadlightly is trying to come up with a good plot for her next literary disaster. ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/325 "2000-06-23T04:09:06Z")
I’ll be the town freak. Every town needs at least one. I’ll stay up til dawn bellowing oscenities at the corn! I’ll terrorize the neighborhood pets with vacuum cleaners! I’ll cover the manholes with tinfoil so the little-people can’t get out! C’mon, wouldn’t ya like to have a neighbor like me? Too late, I’m already on my way! ---
**Author:** ![Monster104](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Monster104](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monster104)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/326 "2000-06-23T04:17:55Z")
I challenge anyone to an arm-wrestling match in the corner of Coldfire’s. Loser buys a drink for the winner. ---
**Author:** ![Gundhilde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecc23a/32.png) [@Gundhilde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundhilde)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/327 "2000-06-23T05:25:39Z")
You know, I seem real quiet, but really I am the owner of a local bakery in disguise. I bake pie after pie, wearing nought but an apron, high boots laced with spikes, and a ruffled mask. I am also the owner of a little old man who holds a vigil outside my bakery, wearing nought but a sandwichboard which reads “This bakery is mad! MAD!” and I occasionally throw pies at him. Wow. I’ve needed to say that for so long. ---
**Author:** ![Gundhilde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecc23a/32.png) [@Gundhilde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundhilde)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/328 "2000-06-23T05:25:44Z")
You know, I seem real quiet, but really I am the owner of a local bakery in disguise. I bake pie after pie, wearing nought but an apron, high boots laced with spikes, and a ruffled mask. I am also the owner of a little old man who holds a vigil outside my bakery, wearing nought but a sandwichboard which reads “This bakery is mad! MAD!” and I occasionally throw pies at him. Wow. I’ve needed to say that for so long. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/329 "2000-06-23T09:14:05Z")
Smeghead decides to devote his next research project to the mystery of double posts. ---
**Author:** ![Gundhilde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecc23a/32.png) [@Gundhilde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundhilde)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/330 "2000-06-23T16:47:39Z")
AAAGH! Why did I have to go an do a thing like that? I swear, it’s the pie that does it. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/331 "2000-06-23T17:21:50Z")
Saint Zero stops in after a two-day vacation, and gets a to go bottle of his usual drink, glowing slightly. He also notes the Wake is winding down, it seems. Poor Wally. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/332 "2000-06-23T17:22:34Z")
Saint Zero stops in after a two-day vacation, and gets a to go bottle of his usual drink, glowing slightly. He also notes the Wake is winding down, it seems. Poor Wally. ---
**Author:** ![kiffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/d78d45/32.png) [@kiffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiffa)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/333 "2000-06-23T18:02:13Z")
Smeghead, it looks like an epidemic of double-entry to me. Kiffa Treadlightly. * * * Murder sHE, write ---
**Author:** ![kiffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/d78d45/32.png) [@kiffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiffa)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/334 "2000-06-23T18:03:07Z")
Smeghead, it looks like an epidemic of double-entry disease to me. Kiffa Treadlightly. * * * Murder sHE, write ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/335 "2000-06-23T19:58:59Z")
\*Sue, the slutty coctail waitress, stumbles into the bar for her first shift in four days. She smells of tequila. She is wearing a baggy t-shirt, sweats, a baseball cap and no makeup. A hush falls over the bar.\* Whaddya want?! I’m in mourning, ya putzes!! ---
**Author:** ![BigJoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9bd4f/32.png) [@BigJoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigJoe)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/336 "2000-06-23T20:14:39Z")
Spoke, All racked and ready, go ahead an break. BARKEEP - A bottle of Mezcal & two glasses. ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/337 "2000-06-23T20:30:10Z")
Hey Coldie get me a cold one. I’ve got some celebrating to do I can go back to the golf course. Someday soon they’ll let me use a club. And balls. Sue, anyone told you you look great? God I must need new glasses, that’s the first time I’ve said it sober. ;). Anyhow, this is for my favorite :wally. :raises glass in silent toast: Keith ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/338 "2000-06-23T20:35:50Z")
Can I be the prostitute with the heart of gold? (If not, I’d have to be the cantankerous Scrooge-like old fart, and I already tried being that 10 years ago.) ---
**Author:** ![jesuslynch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e99b99/32.png) [@jesuslynch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jesuslynch)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/339 "2000-06-23T21:16:23Z")
…and he hasn’t answered this yet. > [@](#): > > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*\*I say, “Ahar, ye scurvy dogs” a lot. > > \*\* > > Hey **ChiefScott** , who lives in a pineapple under the sea? > \*\* Absorbant and Yellow and Porous is He. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2000, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/340 "2000-06-23T23:11:57Z")
_Falcon walks in in her flannel shirt and tight jeans, and saunters over to the corner of Coldy’s bar._ Yo Monster! Heard you’re doing an arm-wrestling contest? Care to try to beat the lady trucker? _raising an eyebrow and smiling_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=16) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=18)