# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 7270 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 19, 2000, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848 "2000-06-19T13:31:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![John\_Corrado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a88e4f/32.png) [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/21 "2000-06-19T14:45:52Z")
I’ll be the old guy who sits in front of the general store, always whittling, always complaining about how the country’s going to hell and how kids today don’t know how easy they’ve got it. ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/22 "2000-06-19T14:48:22Z")
> [@](#): > > I wash the mugs for aenea in the bar run by Larrigan, owned by Coldfire. …I don’t know why she swallowed the fly, perhaps she’ll die…in the house that Jack built. ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/23 "2000-06-19T14:55:47Z")
I’m the bookish one who spent lots of time in Swiddles’s book shop before venturing off to the Big City for some Advanced Learnin’. I will return to run our small but very well respected town paper, which will be rife with details of Mullinator’s indiscretions, Trip Stoneway’s manly ruggedness, and the nightly brawls at Bar. ---
**Author:** ![Shadowfox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Shadowfox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowfox)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/24 "2000-06-19T14:57:26Z")
Dammit! All the good jobs are taken! Okay, I want to be the friendly receptionist at the free clinic, always ready with a smile and sympathy for all the town drunks and whores who come in for their monthly VD treatments. On the weekends, my second job is the lady who runs the karoake (sp?) machine at the bar that Coldfire owns, Larrigan tends bar at, and ReservoirDog washes the mugs at. When it gets slow and there is nobody drunk enough to get up on stage to make an ass of themselves, I stand up there and sing off-key versions of Britney Spears songs. “Oh Baby, Baby…” ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/25 "2000-06-19T14:59:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*Me, I’m the prim, respected town librarian. Little does anyone suspect that my weekly “book club meetings” are actually wild orgies of opium and sex . . . > \*\* I thought Veb was the town librarian? 😉 Hmmm, I would probably be the antagonistic friend of everyone patronizing Coldy’s bar. My pupose is to encourage the normally friendly, law-abiding citizens to go out and light paper bags with dog shit in them on fire on porches, pour Jello into hot tubs, suggest “just one more drink” to the guy who really _shouldn’t_ have one more, etc… ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/26 "2000-06-19T15:07:15Z")
I’m torn between the roles of Boo Radley and Dr. Joel Fleishman. But either way, I’m joining the book club. ---
**Author:** ![jesuslynch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e99b99/32.png) [@jesuslynch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jesuslynch)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/27 "2000-06-19T15:10:19Z")
I’ll be the town auto mechanic. Quick service. Reliable Service. Towing Service. Call me and I’ll tell you what parts to bring. Bring beer and we’ll have a couple while I work. I’ll even let you walk under the lift and inspect the bottom of your car (at your own risk of course.) I work cheap - $40/hour (Depending upon your attitude!) (This is just like my real life mechanic. Especially the labor rates. No shit, true story.) ---
**Author:** ![jesuslynch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e99b99/32.png) [@jesuslynch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jesuslynch)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/28 "2000-06-19T15:18:38Z")
How many people knew you coulnd’t use “” in the GD “Post subject” line? Not me. Here’s what it should say: **I’m no longer "of the cloth"** ---
**Author:** ![red\_dragon60](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@red\_dragon60](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/red_dragon60)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/29 "2000-06-19T15:23:38Z")
I’m the little kid who gets all of his assignments in on time and helps old ladies across the street. But I am actually an anarchist wanting doom and gloom for the little burg. I export my (lack of) political views to the neighboring towns, and raise an army to firebomb and destroy them. We are the only little town in 500 miles. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/30 "2000-06-19T15:26:45Z")
" . . . every time I hear that song “Lady Writer on the TV” by Dire Straits I think of you for some reason." Omigod, Dire Straits has written a song about me? Ummm, aynone know the lyrics? I’m getting nervous . . . Flyp, if you’re the night cop, I gues you’re not the one who had to scale the clock tower and take down Ukulele Ike with a shot to the head? Shadow, I bet you see a lot of my “book club members” at your clinic . . . ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/31 "2000-06-19T15:29:48Z")
I’m the smart alec guy who sits on the end of the bar who only gets 2-3 lines per episode. (Think Paul on Cheers). Keith ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/32 "2000-06-19T15:33:19Z")
Especially for [Eve](http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Studio/8432/dires.html#2lady), our resident Lady Writer 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/33 "2000-06-19T15:35:51Z")
Thanks, Cold—yep, they got me to a T! I was wondering why Dire Straits had been hanging around my apartment . . . ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/34 "2000-06-19T15:39:06Z")
I run the diner. The people that don’t drink sit in the diner across from the bar and talk about the drunks in the bar, who is running around with who, and all the good ole town gossip. ---
**Author:** ![HomeSlice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@HomeSlice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HomeSlice)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/35 "2000-06-19T15:39:30Z")
Ok, I’ll be the village idiot. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/36 "2000-06-19T15:40:43Z")
Oh, on the contrary, Eve. Everyone knows Chief Terwilliger’s not much good in these types of situations. So, of course, they had to ask me to come deal with the situation. Poor ol’ Ike. It wasn’t really his fault. He just got into a slump that he couldn’t seem to get out of. It’s just a real shame I had to dot his i for him. This job takes so much out of a man. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/37 "2000-06-19T15:43:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Ok, I’ll be the village idiot. 😃 > \*\* Do you have a resume? Do you have any previous village idiot experience? This is an important position, so we can’t give this to ANY idiot, only a truly qualified idiot can do our town proud. BTW, to clarify my role a little more as the comic book collecting, sports stat quoting, heavy reading, movie and history buff guy who people like, but he’s still a little too geeky to really be thought of as ‘cool’ think “Randy” in the Scream movies. ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/38 "2000-06-19T15:45:25Z")
I want to be the lead singer in the band that plays at the bar where ReservoirDog washes the mugs for bartender aenea, which is run by Larrigan and owned by Coldfire. ---
**Author:** ![Mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/39 "2000-06-19T15:45:49Z")
I’ll be the slow-talkin’ owner of the bait shop that knows all of the goings-on in the town. “Trolls? yep, we used to have an infestation of 'em round here, back in aught-aught. Haven’t seen one in nigh on nine months now. Diamond Joe Mully ran em out of town on a rail, he did…” ---
**Author:** ![winky99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/71c47a/32.png) [@winky99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/winky99)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/40 "2000-06-19T15:45:56Z")
I’d like to provide a service to the community, like sheriff or fire chief. But I’d probably foul my responsibilities up since I’m going to be spending all my time with the book club. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=3)