# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 7270 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 19, 2000, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848 "2000-06-19T13:31:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![jubei2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a87d85/32.png) [@jubei2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jubei2k)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/81 "2000-06-19T17:47:31Z")
[QUOTE] \*\* > [@](#): > > \*\* > Do I get to dump the occasional drink in your lap? > Ridicule you mercilessly? > Heckle your singing (unless you’re doing Sinatra)? > Get pissy whenever you hit on other chicks because I secretly dig you? > > If so, then yes…you may be the bane of my existence. > > \*\* Not only can you dump a drink in my lap, but if I get too fresh, you can even toss one at my face. Ridiculing’s fine, heckling’s okay, but at the end of every night, you have to join me on stage for my traditional finale, a booze-induced version of “The Lady is a Tramp”. Who loves ya, baby? ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/82 "2000-06-19T17:50:48Z")
I’m the local moonshiner, I live just a little ways out of town, up in the hills. Coldie, Mulli and I have an “arrangement”. And I’ve got several fast cars that look like junk. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/83 "2000-06-19T17:53:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Not only can you dump a drink in my lap, but if I get too fresh, you can even toss one at my face. > > Ridiculing’s fine, heckling’s okay, but at the end of every night, you have to join me on stage for my traditional finale, a booze-induced version of “The Lady is a Tramp”. > > Who loves ya, baby? > \*\* Don’t forget, if you get TOO out of control, the bar has a bouncer now, and I won’t hesitate to knock your drunk ass down. (Especially, because as the bouncer here, I see Sue our slutty waitress every night and have a secret crush on her.) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/84 "2000-06-19T17:58:30Z")
“Hey! I didn’t say anything about getting SHOT!” –Ike, did you expect us to just walk around under the clock tower like clay pigeons for your amusement?! Olentzero, you DID get in that new shipment of opium for my next “book club meeting,” didn’t you? ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/85 "2000-06-19T18:04:58Z")
There seems to be a crying need for a right-wing, reactionary, bigoted clergyman who goes around preaching hellfire against the townsfolk. (Especially the teenagers!) Fortunately, you’ve made my job easy with the large number of volunteers for saloonkeepers and women of easy virtue. To complete the stereotype, however, I’m required to have a secret vice. I do, but I’m not going to tell you what it is. (That’s what _secret_ means.) I might give you a hint: I know what _really_ goes on at the book club!! ---
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/86 "2000-06-19T18:06:21Z")
:: Walks across the bar :: "Hi, Pandora I noticed your reading a book on hiking. The last time I went hiking it was so cool I used my nipples to pitch the tent . 😃 What’s your poison ? No actually let me guess , Vodka right ? ---
**Author:** ![OldBroad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@OldBroad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OldBroad)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/87 "2000-06-19T18:10:23Z")
I’m the curmudgeonly late middle aged woman who loves to keep the town prigs dancing to her tune. I have enough money to have quite a bit of clout with the local powers-tht-be; and I’m not shy in voicing my opinions. As the widow of the largest landowner in these parts, I am the “A” of the a-list. The “ladies” try their best to curry my favor but they wish I’d go away because I don’t quite meet their standards - and they don’t like my standards. I manage to defeat them every time they try to ban some book from the library. They all love to speculate about my past. I supply the “entertainment” for Eve’s parties. ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/88 "2000-06-19T18:14:45Z")
Okay, since Ike took away all the depth I had by _not_ letting me shot him in the head and wrack myself with inner guilt, I need to flesh myself out as Trip Stoneway. Uhh, let’s see. Maybe my first wife threw herself into the deep end of Lake Macon? Killed by the ravening hordes of trolls? Help? Anyone? ---
**Author:** ![GolfWidow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a698b9/32.png) [@GolfWidow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GolfWidow)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/89 "2000-06-19T18:15:26Z")
I want to own the golf course, with the 19th hole, where BratMan007 is the bouncer, jubei2k (while singing karaoke drunk) constantly hits on Sue Duhnym, the slutty cocktail waitress in the tight t-shirt, where Shayna sings, Resevoir Dog washes glasses for Bartender Aenea, and ShadowFox does weekend karaoke, that is owned by Coldfire, but run by John Larrigan. As owner of the golf course, I hereby bar the following residents: BratMan007 (I don’t care if you are the bouncer), Odieman, ChiefScott and Mullinator. You guys know why! ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/90 "2000-06-19T18:18:12Z")
Since I am running of office (Vote Mully in '00, let him go and be your hero!) I need to do some serious fundraising. I made a trip to the book club, and while lots of things were raised, none of them involved money. I end up making a trip to the bar where Swiddles is set up like CliffClavin, BratMan bounces people, jubei2k (while singing karaoke drunk) constantly hits on Sue Duhnym the slutty cocktail waitress in the tight t-shirt where Shayna sings, Reservoir Dog washes glasses for Bartender Aenea, and ShadowFox does weekend Karaoke that is owned by Coldfire but run by John Larrigan. Of course, the meeting is held in the secret back room. The password is Cletus. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/91 "2000-06-19T18:18:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*Olentzero, you DID get in that new shipment of opium for my next “book club meeting,” didn’t you? > \*\* Oooh, there’s an angle I hadn’t even considered. You don’t think the supplier would be able to get a life membership to the book club, do you? ---
**Author:** ![SSgtBaloo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@SSgtBaloo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSgtBaloo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/92 "2000-06-19T18:21:18Z")
I am the reclusive “inventor” with a 1926 Doble in his garage (disassembled, due to lack of parts), a Beech staggerwing in the barn (the fabric’s shot and the engine lies in several crates around the barn) and (unbeknownst to everyone) a mechanical monster (also partially disassembled – lack of parts). When I’m not trying to track down the technical drawings for a 1930s-era Electronic brain, I make costume swords from scrap metal (did I say I also run the town’s junkyard?) and go hang out at the bar when something unexpectedly explodes – that is, once I put the fire out. No, I’m _not_ a Mad Scientist, just an Irked one. ~~Baloo ---
**Author:** ![winky99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/71c47a/32.png) [@winky99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/winky99)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/93 "2000-06-19T18:28:39Z")
For those who know. . . The blackjack table is now open. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/94 "2000-06-19T18:31:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > As owner of the golf course, I hereby bar the following residents: BratMan007 (I don’t care if you are the bouncer), Odieman, ChiefScott and Mullinator. You guys know why! > \*\* Geez, kill a couple birds, hit one guy with a drive, and you’re branded as a bad golfer. As if I’m the only person to ever drive a ball backwards. And **Baloo** : > [@](#): > > \*\* > I am the reclusive “inventor” with a 1926 Doble in his garage (disassembled, due to lack of parts), a Beech staggerwing in the barn (the fabric’s shot and the engine lies in several crates around the barn) and (unbeknownst to everyone) a mechanical monster (also partially disassembled – lack of parts). \*\* This is why you haven’t finished any inventions! You have to think positive: They aren’t partially _dis_assembled due to lack of parts, they are partially assembled until the proper equipment arrives. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/95 "2000-06-19T18:37:07Z")
{checking watch} Hmmmm…2:40…Dopeville Elementary should be letting out soon. Time to go climb the clock tower again. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/96 "2000-06-19T18:37:42Z")
Flyp, I’ll help give ya some depth and background if you figure out something for me to do. Deal? ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/97 "2000-06-19T18:37:54Z")
I sell insurance. I’m one of those mostly colorless guys in decent suits that serve to make up the background of all important actions. Some of my most famous lines: “You don’t say!” “Well, shucks!” “You shouldn’t awtta let the kid do that!” “Well sir, I don’t like it.” I would never consider joining a book club. I always vote Republican, and will run for an opening on the school board next year. I’m suspected to not have a sense of humor, but that’s because neither of the spinster ladies who work for me ever laugh at what I say. I am unmarried, and assumed to be celibate, though I take business trips to the local big city and (twice a year) to “the convention” in some hedonic place like Altantic City or a cut-rate Carribean resort. ---
**Author:** ![aseymayo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@aseymayo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aseymayo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/98 "2000-06-19T18:41:24Z")
I’m the decorator who remodeled Eve’s playroom (yes, that large basket with no bottom is _supposed_ to be like that). And I win all the trivia contests held at Coldy’s Bar. ---
**Author:** ![jubei2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a87d85/32.png) [@jubei2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jubei2k)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/99 "2000-06-19T18:42:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Don’t forget, if you get TOO out of control, the bar has a bouncer now, and I won’t hesitate to knock your drunk ass down. (Especially, because as the bouncer here, I see Sue our slutty waitress every night and have a secret crush on her.) > \*\* He’s got yoooooouu under his skin… ---
**Author:** ![SSgtBaloo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@SSgtBaloo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSgtBaloo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/100 "2000-06-19T18:43:20Z")
> [@](#): > > **This is why you haven’t finished any inventions! You have to think positive: They aren’t partially _dis_assembled due to lack of parts, they are partially assembled until the proper equipment arrives.** You don’t seem to understand. That’s why I’m an _irked_ scientist! 😃 ~~Baloo [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=6)