# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 7270 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 19, 2000, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848 "2000-06-19T13:31:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/101 "2000-06-19T18:44:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > “Hey! I didn’t say anything about getting SHOT!” > > –Ike, did you expect us to just walk around under the clock tower like clay pigeons for your amusement?! > \*\* But where did the body go? And what’s that silver hair doing on that pillow? ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/102 "2000-06-19T18:48:40Z")
Hey—has anyone noticed that another TEN citizens have moved to Dopeville since this thread started this morning? “Dopeville—a nice place to raise the kids!” . . . But get them bulletproof vests if they have to go anywhere near the clock tower . . . ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/103 "2000-06-19T18:51:19Z")
Ah ha! Trip Stoneway’s gonna start pulling over the single women in this town until he finds a hottie. Let’s just see how “creative” you ladies can be when your driving privileges are in MY hands… ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/104 "2000-06-19T18:57:16Z")
Well, I’ve finally figured out what I do. I’m the Hottie Truck Driving Mama (thanks Flyp!) who delivers supplies to Olentzero. And then I wander over to the bar and have a few drinks. Of course, I drive recklessly, since I secretly have a crush on Trip Stoneway. Pull me over! ---
**Author:** ![JimmyNipples](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/eb9ed0/32.png) [@JimmyNipples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimmyNipples)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/105 "2000-06-19T19:06:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Hmmmm…what can I do. Any suggestions? > \*\* Good…nobody took “Morning Radio Announcer” I’ll read poetry, play show tunes and I’ll bring back “Suspence Theater” and “The Shadow”. And you…you can be the station intern. Do you like cigars? Of course, I’ll remain the town crackhead too. ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/106 "2000-06-19T19:12:41Z")
By the way, as the town politician I am in the market for a mistress. The main qualifications would be someone willing to do as many blatantly tawdry deeds as possible, a good profile for the papers, and a willingness to cavort about on the bandstand in the park downtown. Must be willing to be decadent and demure. Mulitple applications accepted, videos encouraged. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/107 "2000-06-19T19:15:21Z")
Well, it’s obvious . . . . I’m the quiet, honest small-town lawyer who places scruples above personal gain. I was born and raised in this town. I have an office above the general store with my name etched on the door. I have lunch at the cafe every day, even when _some_ townspeople express disapproval because I’m defending Shirley’s right to teach evolution, or because I’m defending Ike from the latest assault charges. I bail you people out of jail; write your wills; and draw up your contracts. I have a daughter named Scout. She plays with that odd Capote kid from across the street. Once a month or so, it all becomes to much and I go down to the Bar (where Swiddles hangs out, BratMan bounces, jubei2k and ShadowFox sing karaoke, Sue Duhnym waits tables, Shayna sings, Reservoir Dog washes glasses, Aenea tends bar, John Larrigan runs the joint and Coldie owns it) and get liquored up. The regulars tactfully ignore my ravings about narrow-minded small-town life, and John Larrigan makes sure I get home safe at the end of the night. Who would live anywhere else? ---
**Author:** ![Globe-trotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cab0a1/32.png) [@Globe-trotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Globe-trotter)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/108 "2000-06-19T19:17:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Oh, and she CAN. Call Toronto City Hall for references from her current position as Town Lush 😃 > \*\* You keep it up, wiseass, and I’ll take my business elsewhere! Number one rule : Never antagonize your best customer. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/109 "2000-06-19T19:19:41Z")
Your wicked ways may seem like a lot of fun now, but have you ever considered the eternal consequences? Do you want to burn in hell for eternity? Repent you sinners! Drag your souls back from the edge of the abyss! Come to our revival! The tent is pitched right on the north side of the fairgrounds. Or just send a donation. And stay away from that wicked librarian’s so-called “book club”! Especially Wednesday’s from 3 to 4 p.m. – Rev. Dimmesdale ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/110 "2000-06-19T19:19:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Hey—has anyone noticed that another TEN citizens have moved to Dopeville since this thread started this morning? > > \*\* Yeah, but half of them are probably trolls. We NEVER should have build that stone bridge just outside of town. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/111 "2000-06-19T19:20:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Not only can you dump a drink in my lap, but if I get too fresh, you can even toss one at my face. > > Ridiculing’s fine, heckling’s okay, but at the end of every night, you have to join me on stage for my traditional finale, a booze-induced version of “The Lady is a Tramp”. > > Who loves ya, baby? > \*\* Silly, you’re usually to drunk to remember, but I would say half the time you end the night with “Crazy” by Patsy Cline. But I join you for either one. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/112 "2000-06-19T19:20:23Z")
I’m the local war vet pilot who lives behind his hangar at the old dirt strip north of town. Kids ride their bikes out to see me after school and in the Summer. I keep them spellbound with stories of dog fights and hair raising close calls, as I tinker with my Stearman. Every once in awhile I can be talked into giving someone a ride. Every Veterans’ Day, I walk in the parade in my uniform, and get damp eyed as I do an ‘eyes right’ past the reviewing stand and our flag. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/113 "2000-06-19T19:20:44Z")
I’m the retired sea captain, living in the mansion at the top of the hill with my 22-year-old third wife. I say, “Ahar, ye scurvy dogs” a lot. ---
**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/114 "2000-06-19T19:20:46Z")
I am the guide to the seedy underworld. I own and operate practically everything in the local sex industry. I have the infamous beaver tongue vibrator and the Poke-a-hontas vibrator for all sorts of delights. On my spare time I run the local escort service and the local bathouse. I keep logs and files of everyone that uses my services unbeknownst to my patrons and regularly contact the FBI and CIA with my findings. One day you all will be in trouble but thanks to my deal with the feds, I will never be prosecuted and after my pretty nest egg gets built up completely and the prosecution begins, the witness protection program and my own wealth will live in the lap of luxury in some other dinky midwest town where I will start my cycle again. OH, and on my off time I visit Coldy in the bar. He is the patron who likes my escorts the best except they almost always leave his place drunk or stoned. 😉 HUGS! Sqrl ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/115 "2000-06-19T19:24:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Don’t forget, if you get TOO out of control, the bar has a bouncer now, and I won’t hesitate to knock your drunk ass down. (Especially, because as the bouncer here, I see Sue our slutty waitress every night and have a secret crush on her.) > \*\* Unfortunately, though you secretly pine for me, you have no respect for me because I let NothingMan (whom I nominate as the town White Knight) take me into the store-room on my 29th birthday to cheer me up. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/116 "2000-06-19T19:30:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*I say, “Ahar, ye scurvy dogs” a lot. > \*\* Hey **ChiefScott** , who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/117 "2000-06-19T19:30:35Z")
Hmm . . . I guess this isn’t a place where I can just teach the little ones, eh? Then I’ll be the annoying teenager who listens in on everyone’s conversations and thinks everything is a sexual innuendo. Damnit, if I’m going to do someting, I wanna be good at it! ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/118 "2000-06-19T19:38:45Z")
It’s gonna be really hard to sing with a band that **doesn’t exist**. Don’t we have any musicians and backup singers here? Falcon, wanna play tambourine and sing with me? ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/119 "2000-06-19T19:39:59Z")
Hey pun, remember from the other thread I offered to…“deflower” you. Wanna see the inside of my truck? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![omni-not](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8dc957/32.png) [@omni-not](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/omni-not)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/120 "2000-06-19T19:43:24Z")
I’d probably be the town’s peeping tom/flasher. In other words, your proverbial pervert. I could also sub during week-ends if the job’s already taken.🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=7)