# Welcome to Dopeville, pop. 7270 **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 19, 2000, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848 "2000-06-19T13:31:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/141 "2000-06-19T22:51:42Z")
I’m the Professor’s daughter who became an eccentric artist. After several years spent in the Himalayas, I have returned to this little postage stamp of soil goofier than ever. Occasionally, I can be seen on the town square in my nightgown, feeding the squirrels and birds. I had to “go away” for awhile after some nutcase in the clocktower mowed down half my little buddies. I play bass guitar with _Shakin’Shayna and The Sin Twisters._ And I love the book club. **Falcon** : Is it true that you moonlight as the midnight telephone operator, who cuts in on conversations with advice and encouragement? ---
**Author:** ![dcnewsman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dcnewsman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dcnewsman)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/142 "2000-06-19T23:15:11Z")
I’m the town newspaper man, publishing the weekly Dopesville Tattler. I aspire to work for the National Enquirer. Today’s edition of the Tattler screams “DRUG DEALER BUSTED FOR GAY TRIST IN DOPESVILLE SQUARE” Picture shows Silo pulling up his pants while lead away in cuffs. Free complimentary magnifying glass is included with today’s issue. ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/143 "2000-06-19T23:23:18Z")
Now I know how SkySlash felt. Sheeesh ::the truth is:: It was dcnewsman in that gay trist, he cut his face outta the pic and pasted mine there! ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/144 "2000-06-19T23:26:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > It’s gonna be really hard to sing with a band that **doesn’t exist**. Don’t we have any musicians and backup singers here? Falcon, wanna play tambourine and sing with me? > \*\* I also can provide services, playing bluesy guitar and a little rock and roll… a little too well for someone who looks like a washed up grad student… _sniffing hard and rubbing his nose with a nervous tick in his cheek_ ---
**Author:** ![Whammo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Whammo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whammo)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/145 "2000-06-19T23:27:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > I’m the quiet girl at the corner table in Coldie’s bar(where everyone in town spends all of their time) > > you’ve probably never noticed me… > > My fondest wish is that some nice guy will notice me and sweep me off my feet. > \*\* **sound of extreamly loud motorycle pipes** **door flies open and B\_Line rides motorcycle into bar** **grabs a beer off of coldies bar that was for someone else and slams it down** **flips collar up** Hop on toots. ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/146 "2000-06-19T23:42:36Z")
Dammit! SqrlCub beat me to the “seedy underground” thing. Oh, well. What the hell. I am the strange girl who lives alone and never comes out during the daytime. I have aluminum foil over all my windows. However… I recently started leading a double life as Mistress Christabel, running an underground S&M club that attracts a lot of people from the Big City, where such things are illegal due to city ordinances that we’re too quaint to have even seen the need for. We don’t look too closely at IDs, and the teenagers of the town often sneak in for a little corruption while their parents are at Coldfire’s or those boring book club meetings… Flypsyde wants to shut us down, but can’t. The last time he was here, somebody got pictures… However, things are starting to look a little rough. SqrlCub has been heard to growl that “this town isn’t big enough for both of us”, and that he intends to run me out of the depravity business for good. Out of desperation, I’ve had to develop contacts in the Cecilian Mafia… ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/147 "2000-06-19T23:57:10Z")
Ok the diner’s open and ready for business. I’m short on waitresses here so ya’ll have to be patient. This ain’t no seedy joint, we serve only the finest. Step right up to the counter and place ya order. Don’t pay no attention do the dogs hanging around back. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2000, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/148 "2000-06-19T23:59:24Z")
Or something. Yes you guesed it. It had to happen sometime. **HAPPY HOUR AT COLDFIRE’S!! GET YER TWO BEERS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!!** Come on, sissies. Drink me poor 😃 Keep that tap running, Larrigan. Moosie, stop drinking straight from the tap! Don’t you have ANY dignity? Oh, what the fuck. **First round’s on the house!** ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/149 "2000-06-20T00:01:16Z")
Hey neuro, comin’ to my party tonight? Lesbo activity is permitted, however male-male activity is strictly forbode (you can come over Sqrl, but the bedrooms are off limits for you and your buddies). My crib, my rules.😃 ---
**Author:** ![xenophon41](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xenophon41/32/253_2.png) [@xenophon41](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xenophon41)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/150 "2000-06-20T00:22:40Z")
Well, it’s about time we opened up a hotel in this town, what with all the tourists passing through; I’ll be the bemused “How To…” author (a la Bob Newhart) who renovates the old Bed and Breakfast at the far end of Main Street. (Our motto: _Fight ignorance in cozy comfort._) I usually have three or four rooms vacant, but we get plumb full whenever we have to serve as a triage point for the town doctor after one of **Milosarrian** ’s ill-conceived Chamber of Commerce fiascoes… (Some of the rooms are always occupied, though. —See this hallway at the top of the side stairs? _Ssshhh_, be very quiet; this is the Lurker wing. They don’t like to be noticed or disturbed.) By the way, I’m hiring cleaning and kitchen staff, and I _really need_ a good concierge. Any applicants? ---
**Author:** ![Osip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4491bb/32.png) [@Osip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osip)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/151 "2000-06-20T00:31:42Z")
I am the local locksmith/gunsmith in town. My shop is across the street from Saint zero’s body shop where I help out from time to time. U. Ike is my best customer always selling him bullets (custom made little powder in the casing and tin coated rubber bullets. (now you know why he has not killed anyone)) I spend some evening out over at Coldie’s bar(insert long list of dopers who work/frequent there) where I harrass him to help me translate my 18th century dutch bible. I sit there most nights, drinking with jjjfishe and try to convince her to buy the pet store next to my place. You know the one. It has the sign,“Gerbils, hamsters and ferrets for sale!” I figure jjjfishe would love it and old man Wally should be selling it real cheap. Everyone knows he would much rather spend his time fixing that old bike of his. Osip ---
**Author:** ![OldBroad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@OldBroad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OldBroad)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/152 "2000-06-20T00:36:35Z")
I can’t believe those holier-than-thou prisses don’t realize that I know just how much time they spend trekking up and down that hill to tymp’s! A little birdie told me that one of 'em has the gall to try to do a little checking into my life before I married Big Bill. Don’t know what she thinks she’s going to do with it conisdering her own current goings on. Too bad Big Bill died suddenly just a year after our wedding. He’d have loved this! ---
**Author:** ![Brunetter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/839c29/32.png) [@Brunetter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brunetter)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/153 "2000-06-20T00:45:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Hmm . . . I guess this isn’t a place where I can just teach the little ones, eh? > > Then I’ll be the annoying teenager who listens in on everyone’s conversations and thinks everything is a sexual innuendo. Damnit, if I’m going to do someting, I wanna be good at it! > \*\* Yeah, and I’ll be the Mrs. Robinson type who’s independently wealthy, stunningly beautiful, and constantly hits on you. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/154 "2000-06-20T00:46:56Z")
Why Shayna! I’d love to sing backup and play tamborine! Harmony is what I do best! 🙂 And yes, elelle, you’ve found me out. I hand out advice to all the town, wishing someone would help me with my own problems. And Silo, may I assume I’d be welcome at yer party? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Brunetter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/839c29/32.png) [@Brunetter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brunetter)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/155 "2000-06-20T00:47:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Shayna: > > I will do music instead of perversion. I’m better at the former, anyway. And Brunetter is in a jazz band, so she can join us. I’ll inform her. > > \*\* Hooray! Only I suggest that with 3 singers and no musicians we switch to a cappella format (like we had a choice). Our close harmonies and beautiful blending will scarcely be noticed by the drunken hordes, but they shall be their own reward. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/156 "2000-06-20T00:57:11Z")
For cryin’ out loud, what is **wrong** with you people? It’s **Happy Hour** , you dolts! I expected some “Hey Cold, pass me a Guinness” posts by now. Oh well. I guess it’s true what they said. “Guy Stuff” really IS dead ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/157 "2000-06-20T01:05:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > For cryin’ out loud, what is **wrong** with you people? It’s **Happy Hour** , you dolts! I expected some “Hey Cold, pass me a Guinness” posts by now. > \*\* :::throwing Coldy’s voice::: …and remember folks, tipping is NOT a city in China!!! Take care of your slutty cocktail waitress!!! ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/158 "2000-06-20T01:08:28Z")
Yo COldfire! Wanna get me a vodka and cranberry juice? ---
**Author:** ![jubei2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a87d85/32.png) [@jubei2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jubei2k)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/159 "2000-06-20T01:11:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > For cryin’ out loud, what is **wrong** with you people? It’s **Happy Hour** , you dolts! I expected some “Hey Cold, pass me a Guinness” posts by now. > > Oh well. I guess it’s true what they said. “Guy Stuff” really IS dead ☹ > \*\* Another vodka martini, baby. And nix on the funny stuff. ---
**Author:** ![jubei2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a87d85/32.png) [@jubei2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jubei2k)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2000, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848/160 "2000-06-20T01:16:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > :::throwing Coldy’s voice::: > > …and remember folks, tipping is NOT a city in China!!! Take care of your slutty cocktail waitress!!! > \*\* Hey, what’s say you and me amscray outta here and go someplace a little more quiet-like? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-dopeville-pop-7270/22848.md?page=9)