# Welcome to Heck. I darn you all.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [March 28, 2001, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888 "2001-03-28T22:10:17Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)
#### Post date: [March 28, 2001, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/1 "2001-03-28T22:10:17Z")
Lower your expectations ye who enter here, for these are the not terribly fernal regions of Heck. I am Fretful, constitutional monarch of Heck, and this fellow with the plastic spork is my second-in-command Behalfzebub.
As you can see, Heck is a not very pleasant place with many lakes of tepid bathwater and soapstone, valleys that echo with the faint sighs of the darned, and electric fires giving off a moderate amount of warmth. On your left is Semioblivio, the River of Not Remembering Very Much, and to your right is Mervyn the toothless one-headed guard dog.
We are in need of souls, so confess your petty shortcomings and be darned! Behalfzebub and I could also use some assistants, so we’ll be taking applications for minor nobility of Heck. It will help if you have some experience with darning things, or at least annoying people, but it’s not absolutely necessary – we’ll give you your very own spork and teach you all you need to know.
Darn you all, and have a nice day!
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### Author:  [@Hanofer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanofer)
#### Post date: [March 28, 2001, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/2 "2001-03-28T22:46:36Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Fretful Porpentine \*
> \*\*Darn you all… \*\*
Hey! Watch that needle!
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### Author:  [@Palandine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palandine)
#### Post date: [March 28, 2001, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/3 "2001-03-28T23:04:16Z")
Okay, what have you done with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light?
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### Author:  [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)
#### Post date: [March 28, 2001, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/4 "2001-03-28T23:08:31Z")
Oh not-so-bad-one. I’m not evil but, I tend to annoy people by smacking them with my tail if I catch them staring at it for too long.
So, can you use a tail-smacker around here?
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### Author:  [@andyman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andyman)
#### Post date: [March 28, 2001, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/5 "2001-03-28T23:41:26Z")
Can I just be danged?
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### Author:  [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)
#### Post date: [March 28, 2001, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/6 "2001-03-28T23:53:10Z")
[grumpy old man mode]
Typical of the younger generation. They can’t even do **Evil** right anymore.
[/GOM mode]
😃
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### Author:  [@SpinneZiege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpinneZiege)
#### Post date: [March 28, 2001, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/7 "2001-03-28T23:57:53Z")
I have a confession to make: I drive an SUV. And I’m loving it! Am I eternally darned?
(Oh, yeah. I have an AYBABTU liscense plate frame. I’m surely darned now!)
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### Author:  [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/8 "2001-03-29T01:17:04Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Can you use a tail-smacker around here?
Of course! Welcome to heck! We’ll even barb your tail with cotton wool to enhance your smacking capabilities.
> [@](#):
>
> What have you done with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light?
I know of no Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light. Perhaps you are referring to Phil the _Usurper_. He has retired to his country estate and is presently enjoying his leisure.
> [@](#):
>
> Can I just be danged?
For that you would need to go to Hick. Next underworld over.
> [@](#):
>
> I have a confession to make: I drive an SUV. And I’m loving it! Am I
> eternally darned?
Yes. Into the electric fire with you!
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### Author:  [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/9 "2001-03-29T01:43:10Z")
:Admiring her new cotton wool barbed tail with a quasi-evil not quite grinchlike smirk on her face:
Hey what are _ **YOU** _ looking at???
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### Author:  [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/10 "2001-03-29T01:46:21Z")
I’d like to apply to be one of the nobility. I can be moderatly annoying when I so choose. I walk around all day going ‘HOO-AH!’ and ‘OH YEEEAAAAAHHHHH!’ very loudly, and constantly. Also, I know how to smack someone upside the head so that it’s mildly painful, but does no damage and is mostly just irritating.
Do I qualify as a somewhat obnoxious nobility?
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### Author:  [@Zap\_Rowsdower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zap_Rowsdower)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/11 "2001-03-29T01:57:10Z")
I am sure I am darned. Often while in concentration I will tap my pencil. Also, I fequently say: D’oh a la Homer Simpson for no real reason. I deserve whatever the fates have in store for me, if they get around to it or not.
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### Author:  [@Totoro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Totoro)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/12 "2001-03-29T02:03:21Z")
Can I be put in charge of the group of people who did austin powers impressions incessently? SINGE! SINGE DAMN YOU!!!
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### Author:  [@Catrandom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catrandom)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/13 "2001-03-29T02:05:22Z")
Oh Prince of Dimness,
I know the difference between “that” and “which” and between “flaunt” and “flout” and lots of other often-confused words. I never use them incorrectly, even under extreme stress, and I look pained when other people get them wrong. So is that mildly irritating enough for the nobility of heck, or do I have to start openly correcting people?
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### Author:  [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/14 "2001-03-29T02:19:47Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Fretful Porpentine \*
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > Can I just be danged?
>
> For that you would need to go to Hick. Next underworld over.
Bwahahahahaha!
That’s beautiful.
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### Author:  [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/15 "2001-03-29T02:19:52Z")
If we’re darned to Heck does that mean we’re eternally separated from Gosh?
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### Author:  [@Kyomara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyomara)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/16 "2001-03-29T02:58:35Z")
I would love to be darned, but I have recently been dadgummed.
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### Author:  [@lucie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lucie)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/17 "2001-03-29T03:06:56Z")
I deserve to be darned for some of eternity, having bent or broken most of the Ten Suggestions:
1. Thou ought not to pick up pen’s off one co-worker’s desk and leave them absent-mindedly on another’s.
2. Thou ought not mention casually to thy S.O. that Brendan Fraser really has nice forearms, just to see if he’ll get upset.
3. Thou ought to think twice before posting to the SDMB on company time.
4. Thou ought not to pretend not to have noticed the catbox needed scooping, forcing thy S.O. to exclaim “Holy cripes! Is that you or the cat?”
5. Thou really shouldst not order pizza just because it’s Wednesday and besides, thou wert good all day on thy diet.
6. Remember always to warn thy S.O. a day in advance of “that time of the month” so he can remember that he has to be out of town that weekend.
7. Thou ought not to highlight errors on the company memos and pass them around for the amusement of thy oh-so-superior friends.
8. Thou shouldst at least try to feign interest in the opinions of others.
9. Thou ought not kill, unless they are really asking for it. Then thou shalt make it look like an accident and feel very sorry afterwards.
10. Forget not to use thy turn-signals in good time; neither should shouldst thou neglect to switch them off when they are no longer needed.
My soul is beige - darn me to eternal annoyance for a while!
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### Author:  [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/18 "2001-03-29T03:34:12Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Fretful Porpentine \*
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > Can you use a tail-smacker around here?
>
> I wanna smack **Mermaid’s** tail! CanIcanicanicaniplease
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > What have you done with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light?
>
> I know of no Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light. Perhaps you are referring to Phil the _Usurper_. He has retired to his country estate and is presently enjoying his leisure.
Egads! He knows not Phil! He must have taken a dip in the River of Not Remembering Very Much! How could you forget Phil!! I mean look, he even stole Phil’s spoon and made it into a spork!
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### Author:  [@Ross](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ross)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/19 "2001-03-29T03:39:04Z")
re; Hick, next underworld over.
Please find below a verse I composed aged eight.
'Twas the middle of the night in the land of Hick.
The clock on the wall went tickety-tick.
A young bug, by the name of Beeberbee Powell,
Opened his mouth and let out a yowl:
“Oh, woe, oh, woe, my poor sore toe -
I bumped it on a stone, you know.”
But nobody answered; not a word was said.
So Beeberbee
Went back
To bed.
Could this be an indication, somehow transferred ‘Sixth Sense’ style through the realms of temporary beigeness, of the kind of minor trials one might expect to encounter in perpetual mediocrity? Or not? I was a funny kid, but never quite odd enough to see dead people. I saw… people who felt a bit unwell.
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### Author:  [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)
#### Post date: [March 29, 2001, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/welcome-to-heck-i-darn-you-all/59888/20 "2001-03-29T03:42:31Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by lucie \*
> \*\*
> 3. Thou ought to think twice before posting to the SDMB on company time.
> \*\*
Oh darn. That would be me. Shall I go sit in the not-so-comfy chair?
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